I hate everything I'm going to write. I hate having to remember everything I'm going to write and I hate even more I'm going to remember how all of it felt. It's crucial I actually write this post, it's arguably one of the most important ones I ever will...and I've been unable to write it for several years. It's...difficult to think about any of ( Read more... )

I remember the first time I heard the story of the Gordian Knot. The knot some large and complex no one could untangle it. As Alexander entered the story I knew exactly what his solution would be ( Read more... )

The need to write hasn't really subsided, but actually making the time and sitting down to focus and write are proving to be difficult. Doing anything right now feels difficult actually. This is pretty peak depression for me. Part of what's frustrating about that is it's wonderful weather to go out for a walk and I'm in a good place to start going ( Read more... )

It's only been a month since I last wrote, but it feels like a lot longer. Right now I feel like I've been holding my breath, trying to keep everything in. There hasn't been any desire to write, but my emotions and negative thoughts have been building for some time now and it's getting hard to hold it all in. Writing has always been an outlet, a ( Read more... )

I'm way overdue in writing and this isn't really much of an entry, just putting a words down to get them out of my head. My long morning walks feel like they're the only thing keeping me going at the moment. The daylight bolsters my moods, but the effects are quite short lived, measured in hours. I took the last 2 days to rest, no walks. I could ( Read more... )

Before therapy, I could describe what my depression felt like in detail and I and the people around me considered me as someone who knew themself quite well. After years of therapy, I can look beyond the feelings and metaphorical descriptions and see the mechanistic qualities. I can identify the exact thoughts trying to take control of my mind, the ( Read more... )

Week 3 of my return to routine and healthier living. Been frustrated that I haven't been able to move the needle on my weight yet. I'm doing the intermittent fasting again, eating within an 8-9 hour window each day. I'd cut back on daily calories, but not enough. Over the winter, I was regularly hitting 2,800 calories a day, which is way too much ( Read more... )

I've mentioned being unhappy with my guild as of late but haven't been in the mood to go into details. Having left, this is a good time/place to lay out my thinking clearly. But I've made 2 rounds of edits to this, it's messy and long to elaborate. I've been thinking about leaving for 5 months, but I kept stalling for time to see if the situation ( Read more... )

Mere days after I began trying to re-establish the routine I'm finding it difficult to keep to it. Not all of it, but I'm aready having sleep problems. I haven't started the meditation yet either and I need to make a change to my daily routine to find the time for it again. As for sleep, I'm having some difficulty falling asleep at night, not much ( Read more... )

Staring at the familiar blank page of the journal screen, it's easy to start getting lost in my own thoughts and not type. So, as usual, I start writing in a stream of conscious way to get the gears moving. I've been a little over 7 months since I last wrote. I fell off the wagon hard. It started innocently with the new WoW expansion and I was ( Read more... )