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Reconciliation and Pushing People Away
The goal of weekly journal entries seems to be leaning towards bi-weekly. I'm giving myself the excuse that the heavier, more emotionally vulnerable entries, compel me towards more downtime. There's also a scheduling issue for me as I plan out each day of the week with certain activities and I only find myself in the right headspace to write early ( Read more... ) -
Fantasies
I ended up not writing last week. I got too distracted in Warcraft, but upon further reflection I find I'm particularly locked up emotionally atm. The last one was a stretch and it seems I clam up in response to vulnerability when I'm not feeling safe. Trying to go against that is done through willpower, with varying degrees of success. Also, after ( Read more... ) -
Connection
This may be the most vulnerable entry I will ever write, and I find myself hesitant to put these words to page because of it. There's safety in remaining enigmatic, and being a difficult person to understand has been my best line of defense for most of my life now. Instilling fear in other was #2. At the same time, both of those things have ( Read more... ) -
Self-Worth
This week's entry is late. Each day delayed is a different excuse, but I'm rationalizing this as a calendar week sort of deadline right now to say I'm keeping to weekly writing. I have a backlog of things to write about, but that's not what's on my mind right now, so we'll see how this goes ( Read more... ) -
Downtime
The Warcraft servers are having problems right now and I can't log in. As I was about to distract myself with a different video game, I remembered I promised myself this morning that if i was going to skip out on the gym I'd need to use the time to write a journal entry, so here I am. It was snowing this morning and I don't like walking in the snow ( Read more... ) -
After A Long Hiatus
I largely stopped writing last year around the time of dealing with the Hitmouse Kickstarter. The few months lead up were very stressful for me and the act of going through the Kickstarter itself was akin to falling on my sword in a slow and agonizing way. The whole period is one of the most thoroughly painful experiences I've ever lived through. ( Read more... ) -
9/11
It's that time of year again, 9/11. I lived it once, I don't wanna relive it every year. I avoid talking about it, but I'll tell my story here once and I'm done.
I worked on 19th St and 5th Ave when it happened. I was on the phone with a customer taking their catering order when he abruptly told me the WTC was on fire and he had to go. I hurried ( Read more... ) -
Identity & Sex/Gender
As a member of the gaming sub-culture, I often find myself having less in common with members of it then I have in common with them to begin with. Gender and sexuality are generally a recurring topic in the community, with a seeming far greater prevelance then the mainstream. As a teenager, I used to say that everyone in gaming knows what it's like ( Read more... ) -
Walls
As I grow older I've come to what I see as an inescapable truth. I've struggled to put it into words for easily a decade now. The truth is, one does not simply change their mind. Instead, such things are part of a narrative and the only way to change someone's mind is to rewrite the narrative. The only people who can really change their minds ( Read more... ) -
More on Time Theory
I'm overdue for writing as usual. I've had lots of stuff to write about but because I've been delaying most, if not all of it, has slipped my mind. I've got one thing I've been remembering for like 2 months now. Let's see if I can reconstruct more from that ( Read more... )