"I think wanting to write is a fundamental sign of disease and discomfort. I don't think people who are comfortable want to write..." -Dr. Kay Jamison
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I'm sorry to hear about your friend. My mother was rather prone to failed attempts at suicide a few years ago, and I guess the reason why she kept wanting to end her life was the constant fear of loneliness. She doesn't have any particular hobbies, and is used to having the company of social circles. So whenever she's alone, she would get really depressed and would try euthanizing herself with alcohol and innumerable amounts of sleeping tablets
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i don't think it's possible to die happy. not for me, at least. maybe (hopefully) i'll feel better about this if i live to a ripe, old age and feel my life wasn't a waste of time. but even so, the finality of it just ruins it for me. if i were to die today i'd definitely not be happy with my life if for nothing else other than that there was simply not enough of it. i question whether any amount will ever be "enough". and once again, i find myself envying the society that has no concept of time....
"life will be better without me. i will be better without life."cherry_crackerAugust 24 2003, 12:24:51 UTC
after he hit me and we broke up, nick repeatedly attempted suicide. more than wanted to die, i think he was playing a game with fate. he'd take 2 bottles of over the counter drugs just to see if he'd die. he'd slit his wrists deeply enough to bleed, but notso deep that the bleeding might not stop on its own.
i remember the last few weeks we lived together he'd hide himself in the bathroom with his typewriter. i'd go in to check on him and he'd accuse me of nagging him. he kept withdrawing deeper and deeper.
one morning i woke up and found these pages in my email box.
for some reason, i kept blaming myself, thinking if i'd take him back he'd stop trying to die. i keep remembering him showing up drunk and bleeding on my front doorstep at 2 AM and how i was the only one who could calm him down. i felt obligated, and i felt hope. and many counseling sessions later, i've finally realized that i was powerless to do anything other than ask him to get help when he needed it. but still, sometimes, i blame myself.
Re: "life will be better without me. i will be better without life."punkybrewsterAugust 26 2003, 12:30:22 UTC
wow, that letter is very bizaare. all the various methods of playing the game of russion roulette are very intriguing. perhaps its some desire to avoid the choices of life by trying to take the choice of death out of your hands as well. it's like a more morbid way of believing in fate. in any case, i'm really glad you're no longer with this guy and i'm sorry that he turned out to be someone other than who he lead you to believe he was.
Death scares the shit out of me because of the I won't exist on this planet anymore, it is unavoidable factor. I don't want to die and not because I am so happy that life excites me. Because I don't want to be poof gone. I want to live through the good and the bad forever. I don't want to miss out on anything now that I am here. I obsess about death as well.
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and once again, i find myself envying the society that has no concept of time....
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i remember the last few weeks we lived together he'd hide himself in the bathroom with his typewriter. i'd go in to check on him and he'd accuse me of nagging him. he kept withdrawing deeper and deeper.
one morning i woke up and found these pages in my email box.
for some reason, i kept blaming myself, thinking if i'd take him back he'd stop trying to die. i keep remembering him showing up drunk and bleeding on my front doorstep at 2 AM and how i was the only one who could calm him down. i felt obligated, and i felt hope. and many counseling sessions later, i've finally realized that i was powerless to do anything other than ask him to get help when he needed it. but still, sometimes, i blame myself.
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in any case, i'm really glad you're no longer with this guy and i'm sorry that he turned out to be someone other than who he lead you to believe he was.
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I obsess about death as well.
Maybe when I am 80 that will be different.
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