Fic: A Fine Mingling [Glee]
Title: A Fine Mingling
Author: purplehrdwonder
Rating: PG-13
Genre/pairing: Sebastian/Blaine
Characters: Blaine, Sebastian, Tina, Sam
Word count: 4,280
Spoilers: Through 4x22
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.
Summary: There was something to be said about letting go of the past to live in the present and look to the future. Fourth in the Not Words 'verse.
Author’s Note: This follows “Not Words But Meanings,” “No Remedy For Love," and "The Heart, Forever Inexperienced." The title comes from a quote by Havelock Ellis: “All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
Special thanks to moviegeek03 for support in wrangling this one.
A Fine Mingling
Sunday night, Blaine and Sebastian were curled up on the couch watching Once Upon a Time-Blaine waxing poetic about Charming (of course) while Sebastian happened to be fond of Hook (though he’d sworn Blaine to secrecy about the fact that he liked the show in the first place)-when the front door opened to admit Sam and Tina, back from their Spring Break trip home.
That morning, Sebastian had offered to leave before Blaine’s roommates got back, knowing how they felt about him as well as Blaine’s propensity to avoid conflict however possible-but Blaine surprised him by telling him to stay.
“They’re going to find out anyway,” he reasoned as he handed Sebastian a mug of coffee. “And they might as well get used to seeing you more.”
Sebastian had just nodded; he was still getting used to the idea of actually committing himself to someone-to Blaine-but more than that, having someone-Blaine-committed back to him. He’d never wrapped his head around the appeal of monogamy but, as always, Blaine turned his expectations upside down. He’d been doing that since the moment he’d stopped in the Dalton library doorway during a Warbler rehearsal, clothes painfully out of place but face a picture of longing.
Sebastian had never expected the real Blaine to match the Warblers’ legends, yet he managed to far exceed them. And mysteriously, the blushing schoolboy who’d been unfailingly loyal to his boyfriend now wanted Sebastian, of all people. The idea was enough to take his breath away. And it had, over and over since he’d pressed Blaine back into the couch and kissed him repeatedly-mine, mine, mine echoing through his head as his lips and tongue explored Blaine’s skin, savoring every delicious gasp or sigh that Blaine made beneath him until Blaine had pulled him back up to do his own claiming.
“Blaine?” Tina called.
“Welcome back,” Blaine called without moving, though he did tighten his grip on Sebastian’s arm, which was slung over his waist. “How was your trip?”
“Really good,” Tina said as she and Sam rolled their suitcases into the apartment, the wheels clicking against the floor. “Family life is so much easier when you only see them every few months.”
“How was your week?” Sam asked.
“Not too bad,” Blaine replied, tips twitching.
Sebastian fought an urge to kiss him right then; Blaine’s snarky side was probably his favorite, though there were many sides to Blaine that still needed thorough exploration.
“You weren’t too lonely, were you?” Tina asked. “Because you could’ve come home with one of us.”
“Yeah, you know my parents love you, bro,” Sam added. “And I think Stacey has a crush on you.”
Blaine laughed. “Stacey’s a sweetheart.”
“Stacey?” Sebastian murmured next to Blaine’s ear, and he smirked when Blaine shivered.
“Sam’s little sister,” he replied quietly.
“Should I be worried?”
“I don’t know,” Blaine whispered playfully, glancing back at him over his shoulder. “How threatened are you by nine-year-old girls?”
“Exceptionally,” Sebastian replied before kissing Blaine on the neck. Blaine sighed happily and Sebastian smiled into his skin before biting down lightly and soothing it over with his tongue. Blaine hummed in response.
“I hope you actually got out of the apartment this we- Whoa,” Tina started, eyes widening as she rounded the couch to see Blaine and Sebastian. Sebastian reluctantly pulled his lips off Blaine, doing his best to keep his expression neutral.
“What’s wr-Oh,” Sam cut himself off as he joined Tina in the living room. “Uh, wow.”
“When did this happen?” Tina demanded, hands on her hips.
“Uh, Wednesday?” Blaine said, glancing back at Sebastian, who nodded.
“What happened?” Tina’s eyes landing suspiciously on Sebastian. Blaine had said that Tina was not someone to mess with, and Sebastian was starting to see why.
“Sebastian needed a place to stay for Spring Break,” Blaine said, sitting up. Sebastian reluctantly sat up behind him as well, but they put a bit of space between themselves. “I offered him the couch.”
Tina muttered something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like “And how much time was spent on the couch?”
“Tay-Tay,” Blaine said, and Sebastian was mildly surprised at how much warning Blaine managed to inject into a nickname like that.
But Tina glared between them. “I don’t like him.”
Blaine sighed. “I know you don’t.”
Tina’s eyes narrowed. “And you have a hickey on your neck,” she said before storming off to what Sebastian assumed was her room.
Blaine’s eyes widened and he clasped at the patch of skin Sebastian had just detached his lips from. He pushed himself to his feet and turned to Sebastian. “Thanks a lot, jerk,” he said with an eye roll, but there wasn’t any heat to his voice. He didn’t give Sebastian a chance to reply before he followed Tina, sparing a look for Sam that Sebastian couldn’t see.
“Tina,” he called. “I’m coming in.” The door opened and shut again, leaving Sam and Sebastian alone in the living room.
For a moment they just stared at each other. Sebastian didn’t know that much about Sam Evans, other than that he was Blaine’s best friend and they’d gotten close senior year. He also knew that Blaine had crushed on Sam for a while but Sam had been cool with it, which was rare in Bumfuck, Ohio. Other than that, Blaine said he owed a lot to Sam, and Sebastian assumed a lot of it was related to the breakup since he’d never elaborated.
“Look man,” Sam said, running a hand through his hair. “It’s not my business who Blaine decides to date or whatever. But he’s my best friend and he’s had a hard year, so just… don’t hurt him.”
Sebastian pressed his lips together, keeping several cutting replies at bay. He remained silent instead.
“Because you have before,” Sam continued. “I was in that parking garage, you know.” Sebastian grimaced. “So was Tina. And we sat in the emergency room while the doctors checked him out.” Sam looked frustrated. “He and I weren’t close then, but we are now.”
“And you’re not going to let it happen again,” Sebastian finished. He could respect that; Blaine deserved someone like that in his corner.
“Yeah. He says you’ve changed and I want to believe him, but…”
“He has a big heart and lets people in too easily.”
Sam’s eyes widened slightly. “Yeah.”
Sebastian pushed himself to his feet. “I could give you a bunch of bullshit about how I’m a better person now and I’ll never hurt Blaine,” he said, “but that’s all it would be. What I can say,” he added, looking Sam straight in the eye, “is that Blaine makes me want to be a better person. And in spite of my better judgment, I care about him. So if I hurt him, it would never be on purpose.”
“The slushie wasn’t on purpose either,” Sam pointed out. “You aimed that at Kurt.”
Sebastian opened his mouth to agree, but he shut it again. Maybe he should’ve known that Blaine would jump in front of Kurt. Hell, maybe deep down he had known. Realizing that he might not just be lusting after Blaine had scared the shit out of him in high school, and when Sebastian got scared, he tended to push back against whatever was scaring him. Kurt had never been a threat; he was below Sebastian’s concern, so there was no reason to target him outside of general maliciousness (of which Sebastian was also admittedly guilty at times). But Blaine-kind, earnest, sex-on-a-stick-and-sings-like-a-dream Blaine-was dangerous in the way he’d gotten through Sebastian’s carefully-crafted defenses without meaning to.
Huh.
Sebastian shook himself and looked back at Sam. “You’re right. And I’m not going to give you any meaningless platitudes about it.”
Sam frowned. “I don’t know what that means.”
Sebastian smiled grimly. “It means that I’ll just have to prove it.”
-----
“Tina,” Blaine started as he shut the door, but she rounded on him before he could finish.
“What the hell are you thinking, Blaine?” she demanded, eyes lingering on his neck where there was apparently a hickey starting to bruise. He was going to smack Sebastian for that later. “It was one thing when you guys were just friends, but now you’re screwing? Can’t you, of all people, see how problematic that is?”
Blaine gaped at her for a long moment before shaking his head. “We haven’t had sex, Tina.”
“And besides, I know you’re still-Wait, what?”
“We haven’t had sex,” Blaine repeated. Though even if they had, it still wouldn’t be her business.
And it wasn’t that he didn’t want to (and he knew Sebastian was always game), but the last time he’d had sex without thinking it through, well, it wasn’t really hyperbole to say that his life had imploded around him. Sebastian had agreed to let Blaine set the pace of whatever this was between them (they were still brainstorming what to call themselves since Sebastian didn’t do “boyfriends” and Blaine was content to humor him), which, more than anything, told him a lot about where Sebastian’s head was-and that was comforting.
“But-”
“We’re going to try this out, see how it works,” Blaine said. “And yes, I remember what he did to me. I was there in fact,” he added, quirking an eyebrow. Tina had the decency to look abashed, but Blaine still wondered how many times they were going to have this same argument before it was either dropped or he and Sebastian had cut ties as well; the latter thought left a hollow feeling in his chest.
“But it would be pretty hypocritical of me to deny someone a second chance, don’t you think?” he added.
Tina bit her lip. “Just tell me this isn’t about hurting Kurt.”
Blaine stared at her, refusing to believe he’d just heard that.
“I know you were upset when you found out he was seeing that Matt guy-”
“I was upset that you guys hid it from me for months because you didn’t think I could handle it,” Blaine cut in coolly. “And sure, I was a little upset, but how did you feel when Mike got his first girlfriend in Chicago?”
“I-”
“We may not have ended as friends, but I’ll always love Kurt. I would never do something just to hurt him. He has every right to-” Blaine cut himself off, shaking his head. “You know what, never mind.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a deluge of words building in his chest that he’d been holding back for far too long.
“I like Sebastian,” he went on. “I’ve told you this over and over since November. He’s changed. And I forgave him. So please, keep on hating him; that’s your prerogative-and as my best friend, the sentiment is appreciated. But please don’t act like I have no romantic agency outside of Kurt.”
Tina watched him, hurt and guilt crossing her face before her expression settled on defiant. “You’ve changed since he came back into your life.”
Blaine pressed his lips together. He loved Tina, he really did. She was just worried about him.
“You mean I’ve started letting my emotions out more since he came back into my life.” Tina’s eyes widened, but Blaine plowed on, now that he’d broken the dam. “You’re right, Tina, I have been struggling since graduation. But I stopped dealing with it when you and Sam wouldn’t stop hovering.”
Tina opened her mouth, looking indignant, but Blaine raised a hand. “Please, can I finish?” He’d spent too much time already being cut off by other people. After a moment, Tina shut her mouth and nodded.
“I started feeling like I had to be okay around you guys all the time, and that’s exhausting. But Sebastian, he doesn’t expect anything from me. I can feel whatever I’m feeling around him. And that makes me feel safe. Or safer, anyway.”
“Blainey Days,” Tina said, her expression softening. “I had no idea.”
“I know,” Blaine told her with a sad smile. “I’m a pretty good actor.” He opened his arms and she fell into them, wrapping her own around his middle and squeezing tightly. “He’s good to me, Tay-Tay,” he murmured into her hair. “And if this is a big mistake, can you please let me make my own mistakes and just be there for me?”
Blaine, in hindsight, was fairly certain that if he’d had Sam and Tina with him at the start of senior year the way he had by the end of the year things would’ve gone very differently.
The jury was still out on whether that was a good thing or not.
“I’ll always be there, Blaine,” Tina whispered fiercely.
“I know, lady.”
-----
Over the next couple of weeks, Sebastian learned that dating Blaine Anderson was a lot like being friends with him. They still met for coffee and studied together, got dinner and went to movies, but with Blaine, who was already touchy-feely with his friends, Sebastian found himself wrapped up in boy more often than not, whether it was arms linked while they walked down the street or limbs entwined when they curled up on Blaine’s couch in front of the television.
However, Sebastian’s workload at school picked up considerably after Spring Break, necessitating longer hours in the library and leaving fewer opportunities to leave campus. Blaine also had less free time, and soon they found themselves canceling plans in lieu of writing papers and studying for exams. They texted and messaged on Facebook instead, but despite his initial enthusiasm about them-about there actually being a them-Blaine had started retreating into himself and was less forthcoming in his responses, Sebastian had noticed.
They finally found a Saturday to spend together and after lunch ended up back at Blaine’s with a movie playing on the television that neither of them had much interest in. Sebastian was stretched out across the couch with Blaine’s back to his chest, his arms wrapped around Blaine’s waist, and their socked feet tangled together under a blanket-it might be late spring, but it was still chilly, especially in Blaine’s apartment. Sebastian never thought he’d be caught dead cuddling-every one night stand ended with either him or the flavor of the night dressing and getting the hell out of the other’s hair, no expectations beyond a good fuck-and yet here he was.
But Blaine had been quiet all day, clearly lost inside his head. Sebastian’s few attempts to pull him out of his thoughts had been met with monosyllabic responses, much like his most recent messages, so he’d finally given up; Blaine would speak up when he’d worked through whatever had been going through that gelled down head of his for the last week-or so Sebastian hoped; he wasn’t exactly the expert on talking things out. About halfway through the movie, though, Sebastian’s patience was rewarded.
“I cheated on Kurt,” Blaine said suddenly. Sebastian started in surprise at his voice, which was scratchy from disuse. “That’s why we broke up.”
“What?” Sebastian started, unsure he’d heard the other boy correctly. Was this what he’d been holding back about over the last week?
Blaine twisted to look up at Sebastian. His features were drawn, there was more stubble on his face than usual, and his eyes were red-rimmed. He looked exhausted and Sebastian wondered how he hadn’t noticed it sooner.
“I just… I want, no, I need you to understand. Before we go any further with this,” he said, gesturing between them, “what you’re getting into.” He laughed bitterly and a chill went down Sebastian’s spine.
It had been a while since he’d last heard that bitterness in Blaine’s voice-the same tone as he’d had in those original songs from the open mic night. Sebastian knew that Blaine was holding a lot back in terms of what had ended his relationship with Hummel, but Sebastian hadn’t pushed since that night on Blaine’s apartment steps, instead picking up little clues here and there, though he still didn’t have a full picture.
“If you think admitting to that is going to drive me, of all people, away,” Sebastian said, raising a challenging eyebrow, “then you’re definitely not as smart as I’ve been giving you credit for.”
Blaine’s lips twitched before turning back down into a frown. Sebastian could feel Blaine tensing as he gathered himself to speak.
“I cheated on him,” he repeated. “After he left for New York.” He shook his head. “It was stupid and self-destructive and I regretted it the moment it was over. But I’d been worried about losing him for months before he left and then it felt like that was exactly what was happening. After all, how could his small town high school boyfriend compare to glamorous New York?” Blaine clenched his jaw. “So I got lonely and did something incredibly stupid.”
Sebastian tamped down on a callous “And you didn’t call me?” as he remembered how hollowed out Blaine had been when he’d returned to Dalton to retrieve the New Directions’ trophy; knowing he and his boyfriend had broken up was one thing-a cause for celebration, even-but the guilt and self-loathing that had been in Blaine’s face, in his voice, that day suddenly made a lot more sense.
Blaine wore his heart on his sleeve and loved with his whole heart. Sebastian had seen how Blaine was with his friends, like Tina and Sam, practically bubbling over with affection because he didn’t know how else to love. Like an open flame, he drew others in; but without those connections, without a place to put that affection, his flame dimmed as though it were running out of oxygen.
He was the polar opposite of Sebastian, who strove to remain aloof, and yet here Blaine was, handing his heart over anyway. What had Sebastian done to deserve that kind of trust?
“He said he forgave me, eventually,” Blaine said after a few silent moments. He sounded skeptical.
“You don’t think he did?”
“I don’t think he ever figured out how to trust me again,” Blaine corrected then shrugged. “We were friends with benefits, and I stupidly thought he was going to come back to me.” He swallowed hard and blinked several times. “But why would he when he couldn’t trust me?”
“Blaine-”
“I was going to propose to him, you know.”
Sebastian’s insides twisted hard. “What?”
“After Regionals. I had a ring and everything.”
“But you didn’t go through with it,” Sebastian surmised, unsure of why even the prospect of Blaine proposing made him feel sick.
Blaine shook his head. “He got a text right before I was going to ask, and that seemed like enough of a sign.”
They were silent for a moment before Sebastian asked, “Why are you telling me this now?”
Blaine looked back up at him, confused. “I told you, I need you to unders-”
But Sebastian shook his head. “I heard that. But you’ve been God-knows-where for the last week.” Or in Bushwick, maybe, Sebastian thought with more than a hint of bitterness. How long was he going to stand in Hummel’s shadow?
Blaine sighed and shut his eyes. “He’s had a hard year, so just… don’t hurt him,” Sam had said. Feeling a bit guilty, Sebastian tightened his grip around Blaine’s waist both as an anchor and to remind him that he wasn’t going anywhere.
“Last Saturday would’ve been our anniversary,” Blaine said, lips twisting.
Oh. Blaine had started distancing himself in the days leading up to the date and apparently hadn’t been able to shake it since. Sebastian had been there for Blaine’s Valentine’s Day breakdown as well, so maybe the only way to really move forward was to just suck out the poison-or whatever metaphor was appropriate. There had been a lot of dancing around the issue since November, and that was probably just making things worse for both of them.
“And,” Blaine added after a moment, “Kurt and I made the mistake of not talking about things that were bothering us.”
“Is something bothering you?” Sebastian asked. Blaine opened his eyes and gave him a disbelieving look and Sebastian shrugged. “I mean, besides the obvious.”
Blaine looked back down. “It’s stupid.”
“Blaine.” He waited until the other boy was finally making eye contact with him again. “Tell me.”
“These last couple of weeks,” Blaine said tiredly. “It’s just… bringing some of that same stuff back. I know you have school. Hell, I’m busy too so it’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just my hang up.”
Oh. That actually made a lot of sense, considering how many times they’d canceled on each other lately, with projects and papers and exams all seeming to converge at once.
“And that’s not fair to you,” Blaine continued, scrubbing at his eyes. “I really have not been good at being fair to you, have I?”
“Well,” Sebastian quipped, “you haven’t put me in the hospital yet, so I think you’re still coming out on top.”
Blaine groaned. “Sebastian.”
“What? It’s not like I’m keeping score here, Anderson. Are you?” When Blaine remained silent, Sebastian frowned. “Are you? Because if you are, stop. That’s not fair. To either of us.”
“M’sorry,” Blaine murmured. “I’ve never been good at this.”
“At what?”
“This,” he said, waving generally. “Relationships.”
“Well, you’ve actually been in one,” Sebastian pointed out. “My longest relationship lasted a few hours.” Blaine raised an eyebrow and Sebastian shrugged. “He had good stamina.”
“Why do I like you again?” Blaine muttered, leaning his head against Sebastian’s chest. Sebastian imagined that Blaine could hear his heartbeat speeding up at his proximity.
“Because of my rakish good looks and devil-may-care attitude.”
“You’re incorrigible.”
“That too.”
Blaine snorted and Sebastian’s lips twitched up in a smile. Any little victory he could get.
“When did you cut ties completely?” he found himself asking after they’d fallen back into silence. If they were going to do this, they were going to do the whole damn thing and be done with it. The sooner they could clear out Hummel’s shadow, the better. For both of them.
“Graduation,” Blaine said quietly, still speaking into Sebastian’s chest. “He came back and after the ceremony, we had a few hours to kill before meeting my family for dinner. So we went back to his house because it was empty.”
“And you hooked up.”
“Yeah. And… after, I was dozing off but he got a text. I opened my eyes to ask who it was, but then I saw this look on his face. It was like-” He made a choked sound. “It was a look I thought he’d reserved for me. So when he got in the shower, I checked his phone.”
Sebastian raised an eyebrow, though Blaine wasn’t looking at him. “Seriously?”
Blaine shrugged. “It wasn’t my proudest moment. But I saw that he’d been texting another guy about when he got back to New York.”
“Classy.”
“It wasn’t the first guy he’d been casually seeing; there was a guy back in New York over Valentine’s too. And I just knew. That this was going to keep happening. So I left.” He smiled without any humor. “My parents were so confused when I refused to go to dinner to celebrate my own graduation. Cooper had even flown in.”
“I thought it was a mutual decision?”
“It was. Kurt came by the next day and we, uh, got into it. We always knew where to hit to hurt each other the worst.” Blaine’s voice sounded thin as he spoke, so Sebastian ran a hand up and down his back, and Blaine melted into the touch.
“Anyway, we knew we were just going to keep hurting each other the way we were going. When I told him I wasn’t going to NYADA, that pretty much sealed it. So we agreed to cut each other off completely. We haven’t spoken since.”
“Don’t you guys have a lot of mutual friends?”
Blaine grimaced. “Yeah. It kind of drew a line in the sand between people, which neither of us had ever wanted to happen. But as Kurt went, so went Rachel and Finn and Mercedes and Santana.”
The last one surprised Sebastian, and it must’ve shown on his face because Blaine let out a weak laugh. “She lives with Kurt and Rachel,” he explained. “I still talk to Mike and even Puck now and then, but Sam and Tina never talk to Kurt or Rachel-not that they were ever close. I think Sam’s still in touch with Mercedes and maybe Finn, and Tina talks to Santana, but it’s a mess and I wish it hadn’t happened.”
Sebastian considered asking for a diagram but decided it wasn’t the right moment. “But it did and here you are,” he said instead.
“Yeah.”
“Blaine.”
“Hm.”
“You’re not a bad person.” Blaine blinked. “You fucked up, yeah, but that makes you human.” Blaine opened his mouth but shut it again looking slightly lost. “And as an actual bad person,” Sebastian added airily, “I know what I’m talking about.”
“Sebastian-”
“Shit happens, Killer. So you deal with it and move on.”
“Is that what you did?” Blaine’s voice was barely audible as he looked up.
Sebastian blinked at those disgustingly earnest, red-rimmed eyes. Dammit. “I’m working on it.”
Blaine smiled wearily before settling back against Sebastian’s chest. “For the record,” he said around a yawn, his body loosening, “I don’t think you’re a bad person.”
Sebastian hummed noncommittally in response as Blaine’s breathing evened out in sleep.
-----
Next installment: The Greater Part of Life
Author: purplehrdwonder
Rating: PG-13
Genre/pairing: Sebastian/Blaine
Characters: Blaine, Sebastian, Tina, Sam
Word count: 4,280
Spoilers: Through 4x22
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.
Summary: There was something to be said about letting go of the past to live in the present and look to the future. Fourth in the Not Words 'verse.
Author’s Note: This follows “Not Words But Meanings,” “No Remedy For Love," and "The Heart, Forever Inexperienced." The title comes from a quote by Havelock Ellis: “All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
Special thanks to moviegeek03 for support in wrangling this one.
A Fine Mingling
Sunday night, Blaine and Sebastian were curled up on the couch watching Once Upon a Time-Blaine waxing poetic about Charming (of course) while Sebastian happened to be fond of Hook (though he’d sworn Blaine to secrecy about the fact that he liked the show in the first place)-when the front door opened to admit Sam and Tina, back from their Spring Break trip home.
That morning, Sebastian had offered to leave before Blaine’s roommates got back, knowing how they felt about him as well as Blaine’s propensity to avoid conflict however possible-but Blaine surprised him by telling him to stay.
“They’re going to find out anyway,” he reasoned as he handed Sebastian a mug of coffee. “And they might as well get used to seeing you more.”
Sebastian had just nodded; he was still getting used to the idea of actually committing himself to someone-to Blaine-but more than that, having someone-Blaine-committed back to him. He’d never wrapped his head around the appeal of monogamy but, as always, Blaine turned his expectations upside down. He’d been doing that since the moment he’d stopped in the Dalton library doorway during a Warbler rehearsal, clothes painfully out of place but face a picture of longing.
Sebastian had never expected the real Blaine to match the Warblers’ legends, yet he managed to far exceed them. And mysteriously, the blushing schoolboy who’d been unfailingly loyal to his boyfriend now wanted Sebastian, of all people. The idea was enough to take his breath away. And it had, over and over since he’d pressed Blaine back into the couch and kissed him repeatedly-mine, mine, mine echoing through his head as his lips and tongue explored Blaine’s skin, savoring every delicious gasp or sigh that Blaine made beneath him until Blaine had pulled him back up to do his own claiming.
“Blaine?” Tina called.
“Welcome back,” Blaine called without moving, though he did tighten his grip on Sebastian’s arm, which was slung over his waist. “How was your trip?”
“Really good,” Tina said as she and Sam rolled their suitcases into the apartment, the wheels clicking against the floor. “Family life is so much easier when you only see them every few months.”
“How was your week?” Sam asked.
“Not too bad,” Blaine replied, tips twitching.
Sebastian fought an urge to kiss him right then; Blaine’s snarky side was probably his favorite, though there were many sides to Blaine that still needed thorough exploration.
“You weren’t too lonely, were you?” Tina asked. “Because you could’ve come home with one of us.”
“Yeah, you know my parents love you, bro,” Sam added. “And I think Stacey has a crush on you.”
Blaine laughed. “Stacey’s a sweetheart.”
“Stacey?” Sebastian murmured next to Blaine’s ear, and he smirked when Blaine shivered.
“Sam’s little sister,” he replied quietly.
“Should I be worried?”
“I don’t know,” Blaine whispered playfully, glancing back at him over his shoulder. “How threatened are you by nine-year-old girls?”
“Exceptionally,” Sebastian replied before kissing Blaine on the neck. Blaine sighed happily and Sebastian smiled into his skin before biting down lightly and soothing it over with his tongue. Blaine hummed in response.
“I hope you actually got out of the apartment this we- Whoa,” Tina started, eyes widening as she rounded the couch to see Blaine and Sebastian. Sebastian reluctantly pulled his lips off Blaine, doing his best to keep his expression neutral.
“What’s wr-Oh,” Sam cut himself off as he joined Tina in the living room. “Uh, wow.”
“When did this happen?” Tina demanded, hands on her hips.
“Uh, Wednesday?” Blaine said, glancing back at Sebastian, who nodded.
“What happened?” Tina’s eyes landing suspiciously on Sebastian. Blaine had said that Tina was not someone to mess with, and Sebastian was starting to see why.
“Sebastian needed a place to stay for Spring Break,” Blaine said, sitting up. Sebastian reluctantly sat up behind him as well, but they put a bit of space between themselves. “I offered him the couch.”
Tina muttered something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like “And how much time was spent on the couch?”
“Tay-Tay,” Blaine said, and Sebastian was mildly surprised at how much warning Blaine managed to inject into a nickname like that.
But Tina glared between them. “I don’t like him.”
Blaine sighed. “I know you don’t.”
Tina’s eyes narrowed. “And you have a hickey on your neck,” she said before storming off to what Sebastian assumed was her room.
Blaine’s eyes widened and he clasped at the patch of skin Sebastian had just detached his lips from. He pushed himself to his feet and turned to Sebastian. “Thanks a lot, jerk,” he said with an eye roll, but there wasn’t any heat to his voice. He didn’t give Sebastian a chance to reply before he followed Tina, sparing a look for Sam that Sebastian couldn’t see.
“Tina,” he called. “I’m coming in.” The door opened and shut again, leaving Sam and Sebastian alone in the living room.
For a moment they just stared at each other. Sebastian didn’t know that much about Sam Evans, other than that he was Blaine’s best friend and they’d gotten close senior year. He also knew that Blaine had crushed on Sam for a while but Sam had been cool with it, which was rare in Bumfuck, Ohio. Other than that, Blaine said he owed a lot to Sam, and Sebastian assumed a lot of it was related to the breakup since he’d never elaborated.
“Look man,” Sam said, running a hand through his hair. “It’s not my business who Blaine decides to date or whatever. But he’s my best friend and he’s had a hard year, so just… don’t hurt him.”
Sebastian pressed his lips together, keeping several cutting replies at bay. He remained silent instead.
“Because you have before,” Sam continued. “I was in that parking garage, you know.” Sebastian grimaced. “So was Tina. And we sat in the emergency room while the doctors checked him out.” Sam looked frustrated. “He and I weren’t close then, but we are now.”
“And you’re not going to let it happen again,” Sebastian finished. He could respect that; Blaine deserved someone like that in his corner.
“Yeah. He says you’ve changed and I want to believe him, but…”
“He has a big heart and lets people in too easily.”
Sam’s eyes widened slightly. “Yeah.”
Sebastian pushed himself to his feet. “I could give you a bunch of bullshit about how I’m a better person now and I’ll never hurt Blaine,” he said, “but that’s all it would be. What I can say,” he added, looking Sam straight in the eye, “is that Blaine makes me want to be a better person. And in spite of my better judgment, I care about him. So if I hurt him, it would never be on purpose.”
“The slushie wasn’t on purpose either,” Sam pointed out. “You aimed that at Kurt.”
Sebastian opened his mouth to agree, but he shut it again. Maybe he should’ve known that Blaine would jump in front of Kurt. Hell, maybe deep down he had known. Realizing that he might not just be lusting after Blaine had scared the shit out of him in high school, and when Sebastian got scared, he tended to push back against whatever was scaring him. Kurt had never been a threat; he was below Sebastian’s concern, so there was no reason to target him outside of general maliciousness (of which Sebastian was also admittedly guilty at times). But Blaine-kind, earnest, sex-on-a-stick-and-sings-like-a-dream Blaine-was dangerous in the way he’d gotten through Sebastian’s carefully-crafted defenses without meaning to.
Huh.
Sebastian shook himself and looked back at Sam. “You’re right. And I’m not going to give you any meaningless platitudes about it.”
Sam frowned. “I don’t know what that means.”
Sebastian smiled grimly. “It means that I’ll just have to prove it.”
-----
“Tina,” Blaine started as he shut the door, but she rounded on him before he could finish.
“What the hell are you thinking, Blaine?” she demanded, eyes lingering on his neck where there was apparently a hickey starting to bruise. He was going to smack Sebastian for that later. “It was one thing when you guys were just friends, but now you’re screwing? Can’t you, of all people, see how problematic that is?”
Blaine gaped at her for a long moment before shaking his head. “We haven’t had sex, Tina.”
“And besides, I know you’re still-Wait, what?”
“We haven’t had sex,” Blaine repeated. Though even if they had, it still wouldn’t be her business.
And it wasn’t that he didn’t want to (and he knew Sebastian was always game), but the last time he’d had sex without thinking it through, well, it wasn’t really hyperbole to say that his life had imploded around him. Sebastian had agreed to let Blaine set the pace of whatever this was between them (they were still brainstorming what to call themselves since Sebastian didn’t do “boyfriends” and Blaine was content to humor him), which, more than anything, told him a lot about where Sebastian’s head was-and that was comforting.
“But-”
“We’re going to try this out, see how it works,” Blaine said. “And yes, I remember what he did to me. I was there in fact,” he added, quirking an eyebrow. Tina had the decency to look abashed, but Blaine still wondered how many times they were going to have this same argument before it was either dropped or he and Sebastian had cut ties as well; the latter thought left a hollow feeling in his chest.
“But it would be pretty hypocritical of me to deny someone a second chance, don’t you think?” he added.
Tina bit her lip. “Just tell me this isn’t about hurting Kurt.”
Blaine stared at her, refusing to believe he’d just heard that.
“I know you were upset when you found out he was seeing that Matt guy-”
“I was upset that you guys hid it from me for months because you didn’t think I could handle it,” Blaine cut in coolly. “And sure, I was a little upset, but how did you feel when Mike got his first girlfriend in Chicago?”
“I-”
“We may not have ended as friends, but I’ll always love Kurt. I would never do something just to hurt him. He has every right to-” Blaine cut himself off, shaking his head. “You know what, never mind.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a deluge of words building in his chest that he’d been holding back for far too long.
“I like Sebastian,” he went on. “I’ve told you this over and over since November. He’s changed. And I forgave him. So please, keep on hating him; that’s your prerogative-and as my best friend, the sentiment is appreciated. But please don’t act like I have no romantic agency outside of Kurt.”
Tina watched him, hurt and guilt crossing her face before her expression settled on defiant. “You’ve changed since he came back into your life.”
Blaine pressed his lips together. He loved Tina, he really did. She was just worried about him.
“You mean I’ve started letting my emotions out more since he came back into my life.” Tina’s eyes widened, but Blaine plowed on, now that he’d broken the dam. “You’re right, Tina, I have been struggling since graduation. But I stopped dealing with it when you and Sam wouldn’t stop hovering.”
Tina opened her mouth, looking indignant, but Blaine raised a hand. “Please, can I finish?” He’d spent too much time already being cut off by other people. After a moment, Tina shut her mouth and nodded.
“I started feeling like I had to be okay around you guys all the time, and that’s exhausting. But Sebastian, he doesn’t expect anything from me. I can feel whatever I’m feeling around him. And that makes me feel safe. Or safer, anyway.”
“Blainey Days,” Tina said, her expression softening. “I had no idea.”
“I know,” Blaine told her with a sad smile. “I’m a pretty good actor.” He opened his arms and she fell into them, wrapping her own around his middle and squeezing tightly. “He’s good to me, Tay-Tay,” he murmured into her hair. “And if this is a big mistake, can you please let me make my own mistakes and just be there for me?”
Blaine, in hindsight, was fairly certain that if he’d had Sam and Tina with him at the start of senior year the way he had by the end of the year things would’ve gone very differently.
The jury was still out on whether that was a good thing or not.
“I’ll always be there, Blaine,” Tina whispered fiercely.
“I know, lady.”
-----
Over the next couple of weeks, Sebastian learned that dating Blaine Anderson was a lot like being friends with him. They still met for coffee and studied together, got dinner and went to movies, but with Blaine, who was already touchy-feely with his friends, Sebastian found himself wrapped up in boy more often than not, whether it was arms linked while they walked down the street or limbs entwined when they curled up on Blaine’s couch in front of the television.
However, Sebastian’s workload at school picked up considerably after Spring Break, necessitating longer hours in the library and leaving fewer opportunities to leave campus. Blaine also had less free time, and soon they found themselves canceling plans in lieu of writing papers and studying for exams. They texted and messaged on Facebook instead, but despite his initial enthusiasm about them-about there actually being a them-Blaine had started retreating into himself and was less forthcoming in his responses, Sebastian had noticed.
They finally found a Saturday to spend together and after lunch ended up back at Blaine’s with a movie playing on the television that neither of them had much interest in. Sebastian was stretched out across the couch with Blaine’s back to his chest, his arms wrapped around Blaine’s waist, and their socked feet tangled together under a blanket-it might be late spring, but it was still chilly, especially in Blaine’s apartment. Sebastian never thought he’d be caught dead cuddling-every one night stand ended with either him or the flavor of the night dressing and getting the hell out of the other’s hair, no expectations beyond a good fuck-and yet here he was.
But Blaine had been quiet all day, clearly lost inside his head. Sebastian’s few attempts to pull him out of his thoughts had been met with monosyllabic responses, much like his most recent messages, so he’d finally given up; Blaine would speak up when he’d worked through whatever had been going through that gelled down head of his for the last week-or so Sebastian hoped; he wasn’t exactly the expert on talking things out. About halfway through the movie, though, Sebastian’s patience was rewarded.
“I cheated on Kurt,” Blaine said suddenly. Sebastian started in surprise at his voice, which was scratchy from disuse. “That’s why we broke up.”
“What?” Sebastian started, unsure he’d heard the other boy correctly. Was this what he’d been holding back about over the last week?
Blaine twisted to look up at Sebastian. His features were drawn, there was more stubble on his face than usual, and his eyes were red-rimmed. He looked exhausted and Sebastian wondered how he hadn’t noticed it sooner.
“I just… I want, no, I need you to understand. Before we go any further with this,” he said, gesturing between them, “what you’re getting into.” He laughed bitterly and a chill went down Sebastian’s spine.
It had been a while since he’d last heard that bitterness in Blaine’s voice-the same tone as he’d had in those original songs from the open mic night. Sebastian knew that Blaine was holding a lot back in terms of what had ended his relationship with Hummel, but Sebastian hadn’t pushed since that night on Blaine’s apartment steps, instead picking up little clues here and there, though he still didn’t have a full picture.
“If you think admitting to that is going to drive me, of all people, away,” Sebastian said, raising a challenging eyebrow, “then you’re definitely not as smart as I’ve been giving you credit for.”
Blaine’s lips twitched before turning back down into a frown. Sebastian could feel Blaine tensing as he gathered himself to speak.
“I cheated on him,” he repeated. “After he left for New York.” He shook his head. “It was stupid and self-destructive and I regretted it the moment it was over. But I’d been worried about losing him for months before he left and then it felt like that was exactly what was happening. After all, how could his small town high school boyfriend compare to glamorous New York?” Blaine clenched his jaw. “So I got lonely and did something incredibly stupid.”
Sebastian tamped down on a callous “And you didn’t call me?” as he remembered how hollowed out Blaine had been when he’d returned to Dalton to retrieve the New Directions’ trophy; knowing he and his boyfriend had broken up was one thing-a cause for celebration, even-but the guilt and self-loathing that had been in Blaine’s face, in his voice, that day suddenly made a lot more sense.
Blaine wore his heart on his sleeve and loved with his whole heart. Sebastian had seen how Blaine was with his friends, like Tina and Sam, practically bubbling over with affection because he didn’t know how else to love. Like an open flame, he drew others in; but without those connections, without a place to put that affection, his flame dimmed as though it were running out of oxygen.
He was the polar opposite of Sebastian, who strove to remain aloof, and yet here Blaine was, handing his heart over anyway. What had Sebastian done to deserve that kind of trust?
“He said he forgave me, eventually,” Blaine said after a few silent moments. He sounded skeptical.
“You don’t think he did?”
“I don’t think he ever figured out how to trust me again,” Blaine corrected then shrugged. “We were friends with benefits, and I stupidly thought he was going to come back to me.” He swallowed hard and blinked several times. “But why would he when he couldn’t trust me?”
“Blaine-”
“I was going to propose to him, you know.”
Sebastian’s insides twisted hard. “What?”
“After Regionals. I had a ring and everything.”
“But you didn’t go through with it,” Sebastian surmised, unsure of why even the prospect of Blaine proposing made him feel sick.
Blaine shook his head. “He got a text right before I was going to ask, and that seemed like enough of a sign.”
They were silent for a moment before Sebastian asked, “Why are you telling me this now?”
Blaine looked back up at him, confused. “I told you, I need you to unders-”
But Sebastian shook his head. “I heard that. But you’ve been God-knows-where for the last week.” Or in Bushwick, maybe, Sebastian thought with more than a hint of bitterness. How long was he going to stand in Hummel’s shadow?
Blaine sighed and shut his eyes. “He’s had a hard year, so just… don’t hurt him,” Sam had said. Feeling a bit guilty, Sebastian tightened his grip around Blaine’s waist both as an anchor and to remind him that he wasn’t going anywhere.
“Last Saturday would’ve been our anniversary,” Blaine said, lips twisting.
Oh. Blaine had started distancing himself in the days leading up to the date and apparently hadn’t been able to shake it since. Sebastian had been there for Blaine’s Valentine’s Day breakdown as well, so maybe the only way to really move forward was to just suck out the poison-or whatever metaphor was appropriate. There had been a lot of dancing around the issue since November, and that was probably just making things worse for both of them.
“And,” Blaine added after a moment, “Kurt and I made the mistake of not talking about things that were bothering us.”
“Is something bothering you?” Sebastian asked. Blaine opened his eyes and gave him a disbelieving look and Sebastian shrugged. “I mean, besides the obvious.”
Blaine looked back down. “It’s stupid.”
“Blaine.” He waited until the other boy was finally making eye contact with him again. “Tell me.”
“These last couple of weeks,” Blaine said tiredly. “It’s just… bringing some of that same stuff back. I know you have school. Hell, I’m busy too so it’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just my hang up.”
Oh. That actually made a lot of sense, considering how many times they’d canceled on each other lately, with projects and papers and exams all seeming to converge at once.
“And that’s not fair to you,” Blaine continued, scrubbing at his eyes. “I really have not been good at being fair to you, have I?”
“Well,” Sebastian quipped, “you haven’t put me in the hospital yet, so I think you’re still coming out on top.”
Blaine groaned. “Sebastian.”
“What? It’s not like I’m keeping score here, Anderson. Are you?” When Blaine remained silent, Sebastian frowned. “Are you? Because if you are, stop. That’s not fair. To either of us.”
“M’sorry,” Blaine murmured. “I’ve never been good at this.”
“At what?”
“This,” he said, waving generally. “Relationships.”
“Well, you’ve actually been in one,” Sebastian pointed out. “My longest relationship lasted a few hours.” Blaine raised an eyebrow and Sebastian shrugged. “He had good stamina.”
“Why do I like you again?” Blaine muttered, leaning his head against Sebastian’s chest. Sebastian imagined that Blaine could hear his heartbeat speeding up at his proximity.
“Because of my rakish good looks and devil-may-care attitude.”
“You’re incorrigible.”
“That too.”
Blaine snorted and Sebastian’s lips twitched up in a smile. Any little victory he could get.
“When did you cut ties completely?” he found himself asking after they’d fallen back into silence. If they were going to do this, they were going to do the whole damn thing and be done with it. The sooner they could clear out Hummel’s shadow, the better. For both of them.
“Graduation,” Blaine said quietly, still speaking into Sebastian’s chest. “He came back and after the ceremony, we had a few hours to kill before meeting my family for dinner. So we went back to his house because it was empty.”
“And you hooked up.”
“Yeah. And… after, I was dozing off but he got a text. I opened my eyes to ask who it was, but then I saw this look on his face. It was like-” He made a choked sound. “It was a look I thought he’d reserved for me. So when he got in the shower, I checked his phone.”
Sebastian raised an eyebrow, though Blaine wasn’t looking at him. “Seriously?”
Blaine shrugged. “It wasn’t my proudest moment. But I saw that he’d been texting another guy about when he got back to New York.”
“Classy.”
“It wasn’t the first guy he’d been casually seeing; there was a guy back in New York over Valentine’s too. And I just knew. That this was going to keep happening. So I left.” He smiled without any humor. “My parents were so confused when I refused to go to dinner to celebrate my own graduation. Cooper had even flown in.”
“I thought it was a mutual decision?”
“It was. Kurt came by the next day and we, uh, got into it. We always knew where to hit to hurt each other the worst.” Blaine’s voice sounded thin as he spoke, so Sebastian ran a hand up and down his back, and Blaine melted into the touch.
“Anyway, we knew we were just going to keep hurting each other the way we were going. When I told him I wasn’t going to NYADA, that pretty much sealed it. So we agreed to cut each other off completely. We haven’t spoken since.”
“Don’t you guys have a lot of mutual friends?”
Blaine grimaced. “Yeah. It kind of drew a line in the sand between people, which neither of us had ever wanted to happen. But as Kurt went, so went Rachel and Finn and Mercedes and Santana.”
The last one surprised Sebastian, and it must’ve shown on his face because Blaine let out a weak laugh. “She lives with Kurt and Rachel,” he explained. “I still talk to Mike and even Puck now and then, but Sam and Tina never talk to Kurt or Rachel-not that they were ever close. I think Sam’s still in touch with Mercedes and maybe Finn, and Tina talks to Santana, but it’s a mess and I wish it hadn’t happened.”
Sebastian considered asking for a diagram but decided it wasn’t the right moment. “But it did and here you are,” he said instead.
“Yeah.”
“Blaine.”
“Hm.”
“You’re not a bad person.” Blaine blinked. “You fucked up, yeah, but that makes you human.” Blaine opened his mouth but shut it again looking slightly lost. “And as an actual bad person,” Sebastian added airily, “I know what I’m talking about.”
“Sebastian-”
“Shit happens, Killer. So you deal with it and move on.”
“Is that what you did?” Blaine’s voice was barely audible as he looked up.
Sebastian blinked at those disgustingly earnest, red-rimmed eyes. Dammit. “I’m working on it.”
Blaine smiled wearily before settling back against Sebastian’s chest. “For the record,” he said around a yawn, his body loosening, “I don’t think you’re a bad person.”
Sebastian hummed noncommittally in response as Blaine’s breathing evened out in sleep.
-----
Next installment: The Greater Part of Life