I feel slightly better today. I don't know why, but I'm not going to question it. I'm still stressed, I'm still exhausted, I'm still having panic attacks, but everything seems calmer in my head today.

I am so in love with my husband.

I can't wait to see my kids again. 

 My heart feels hollow and lost right now. And why? Because there is no one here to define me. Tye is at work. The kids are back in Arizona. Why can't I be ok when I'm alone? Why can't I just function on a normal level. If I'm not a wife, and I'm not a mom, what am I? WHAT THE HELL AM I? I get all these thoughts in my head about what I think I want ( Read more... )

This year I am going to do those things that I have been putting off for so long...to make this MY year...OUR year. Tye and I are so happy in general. There are very few things hanging over our heads that stress us out ( Read more... )

Something is wrong. I am not imagining it. Something is so wrong. What do I DO? How do I handle this. I am so tired of playing the loser. It's WRONG. ALL OF IT IS WRONG. I wish someone would just put me out of my misery.  

Fuuuuck it's loud in here tonight.  

  I can. It's ripping and tearing and I can't make it stop. Make it stop. 

Stand there quietly
Oblivious
Don't listen and you won't hear
Don't look and you won't see
It's ok.

Just remind yourself to stay as far away as you can
To not care
Only remember that which is important to you
Don't feel.
Don't tell.
Don't care.

Shh 

I think I need to see about getting back into therapy. I think that I need to talk to someone who has absolutely nothing to do with my life.  Every single stupid damned day I think of the same messed up shit. I go through the same cycles...and though I try to keep myself busy, it's the same. Day in and day out. I can't take it much longer. I feel ( Read more... )

I have to get this out of my system. I need to write this all out, and I need it to be read. Tye keeps telling me to write, but I quite often don't want anything I write to be read. So here we go ( Read more... )

 As if I don't have enough places to keep track of already. I guess this shall be one more.

It's 7am on a Saturday, and I've been up for an hour in pain. I've got mono, and couldn't seem to be able to make myself swallow this morning. So I'm up drinking tea...trying to make it feel better enough that I can go back to sleep.

We're leaving for Utah ( Read more... )