i got a gun, i got a girl

[pushingmetaphor]

HI SO I WROTE A STORY FOR EYAIYULETIDE OR SOMETHING. IT IS FOR deutscheami BUT IS NOT NEARLY AS AWESOME AS SHE IS. It has robots and (future) Russia and con men because I am nothing if not predictable. I apologize in advance for anything I have gotten ridiculously wrong about: eyai, Russia, crimes, economics, and everything else.

Also: SO MANY THANKS TO nextian. I

Comments

[schiarire]

klasjdfksg

TOVARISCH

THIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD

I AM NOT SURE MY INTESTINES ARE STILL THERE

[pushingmetaphor]

THIS IS THE HIGHEST PRAISE I COULD RECEIVE TOVARISCH!!!!!!! I hope Dima and Tima do not stray too far from ~*what we envisioned*~.

[nextian]

GOD I still love this so fucking much.

Some favorite lines I have not mentioned to you before I think:

>>“A government’s not broken in until you have a few ‘drugs and hookers in hotel rooms’ scandals.”

“I question your grasp of politics-“ Andrei begins

>>I would prefer not to take my shirt off on the first date.”

>>“I’m just popping out to Lubyanka Square,” Dima says, giving Timofei a little wave just as he swivels around.

Then Dima cuts a deal with them and they start the best cartel ever!! COME ON IT WOULD BE GOLD.

[pushingmetaphor]

iojoiiohsd yes they become part-time government consultants. Everyone is really confused about the sudden boost to the economy but OH DIMA KNOWS. :DDDDDDDD

[e_mily]

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

:D x infinity

[pushingmetaphor]

THANK YOU FOR READING!!! And for ALSO HAVING READ THE TWELVE CHAIRS. *_*

[e_mily]

I fully blame my having read the book on Mel Brooks, because he's the genius that made Langella play Ostap and ohmahfuggingawd that man was a tall drink of water in the 70s. *fans self*

[pushingmetaphor]

I GUESS THIS MEANS I MUST SEE THIS MOVIE. *____* I'm just sad it (the book) doesn't have much of an English-speaking audience because then I could get fanfic!!

[ariastar]

OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS I CANNOT EVEN

BREATHE, THAT IS WHAT I CANNOT EVEN

OKAY HERE ARE SOME OF MY FAVOURITE BITS

This means that he has stoically survived the quiet but thorough reorganization of his country’s government, one economic collapse, and Eurovision ‘94. COULDN'T YOU HAVE TURNED OFF YOUR HEARING .APP OH POOR ANDREI

This plan is twenty percent less risky and fifty three percent more lucrative than art forgery whiiiich incidentally is making me picture Kostya looking like Matt Bomer. Deeply incompetent Matt Bomer. :DDD

I would prefer not to take my shirt off on the first date because HELLO I think I have a beautiful new crush on Andrei.

Basically omg virtual drugs and bad cons and wonderful wonderful Andrei!! I think I LOVE IT LOTS.

[pushingmetaphor]

pksdkpdhopks i'm just glad you enjoyed it, I had such a nervous breakdown writing this fic. ^^;;

NO EUROVISION TRANSCENDS ALL MUTING. MOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

... Oh my god I hate you now Kostya is played by Matt Bomer in my mind. DAMN YOU JSDOHJSDHOJDSHOS IT IS LIKE THE WEIRD UNIVERSE WHERE THE FED TEAMS UP WITH THE HAPLESS CRIMINAL INSTEAD OF VICE VERSA. +1000 fedoras!!!!!

thank yoooooou. <333333

[ariastar]

OMG DOES THIS MEAN ANDREI IS TIM DEKAY PLZ PLZ PLZ

*srs face*

[pushingmetaphor]

ajsgoaioag. I MEAN HONESTLY I HAD ENVISIONED HIM LOOKING SOMETHING LIKE ANDREI MIRONOV ANYWAY SO TIM DEKAY WORKS JUST AS WELL. *_*

[deutscheami]

So let me tally up all of the ways that you are my FAVORITE EVER.

...so I could pretty much quote the entire story back at you, but these are my favorite bits:

>>“Sometimes you say very hurtful things, Andryusha.”

“Only sometimes?” Andrei says, as they slip out a back door and into the street. “I will have to work harder to fill the quota.”

Kostya snorts. “I don’t have to take this abuse.”

>>They pointedly do not freeze when a young man in sunglasses, designer shoes, and a suit with a Vinnie Pukh tie climbs out of the back.

♥ the very best person possible tackled my crazy wish for screwball eyai- human buddy comedy WITH CRIME.

[pushingmetaphor]

asjfosdgjsgjois I'mreallyhappythatyoulikedit!!!!! Also, conversely, I was SO HAPPY when I got you because you had the BEST PROMPT EVER. You know how easy I am for PARTNERS!!!! I only regret that I could not include eyai!Sveta.