I deactivated my facebook account ages ago. Everything feels like ages ago. Its been the same day for me for years, nothing has really changed. In response to what felt like a culmination of the realization that I'd been going through the motions of a life that wasnt mine to live I just stopped living at all.

I am very late in attempting to unpack ( Read more... )

 "The thermodynamic field would be something like the surface of a pond in a heavy rainstorm:

an incoherent mess of tiny interactions, with no noticeable pattern,

in either temporal direction.

In order to explain why our universe is not like this, what needs to be explained is the existence of such things

as stars and galaxies, for they ( Read more... )

I just made public a private entry I made in the summer of 2019. Written in my peculiar internal first person perspective, a thought catalogue as a way to describe it. This is still that by the way, yes I really think like this. To return to my point, this post I have decided to make fully public was the only way I could think of to manifest and ( Read more... )

Where previously I could infer a sense of anticipation and trepidation for the future in my life those feelings have given way to what can best be described as a restless panic. A panic with no source or sense of place in my life. I'm really trying to wrap my head around it because frankly this emotional progression has been building for months and ( Read more... )

hmm ( Read more... )

I have now proven what I can do with a clean slate...I will always sabotage my opportunities to start over and try to be a better person. It is indeed a unique ability I have to be able to find or create a counter culture scene wherever I go. The kids here perceive me as a crazy party animal who has seen and experienced all that life has to offer. ( Read more... )

I've made a living out of starting over ( Read more... )

how do you express what it feels like to believe that someone you genuinely cared about took their own life only for you to find out that it was an elaborate ruse and your emotions were betrayed?

I cant and thats why I havent written in here since then.

Ultimately Choosing suicide is not something you can make anyone's fault. if you think you can blame someone for you taking your own life then you really don't know what you are getting into. Asking someone to visit or you'll kill yourself sounds just as stupid as saying you'll kill yourself unless I stop interacting with a specific person ( Read more... )

thanks for making me feel like I cant write anything anywhere. this is why I never wrote anything when I was with you because you react so strongly to anything I say and you always take it exactly the wrong way ( Read more... )