i think my current state could best be described as one of mental disarray. while im glad that i finally came to the decision to attend grad school, that particular choice is attended by a million other choices that i now have to start thinking about ( Read more... )

i didnt want to come back this time. i almost couldnt make my hands angle the steering wheel in the direction of home. theres something to be said for driving very fast very late at night with the window down while singing along (horribly off-key) to loud music. the freedom of it is positively delicious. and yet here i am, home again and hours ( Read more... )

this is my fake smile
this is my carapace.

ive been feeling so ugly lately its a good thing im invisible. lets try breathing again and see how it feels. maybe we'll turn back time.

when i close my eyes
and curl up inside you,
the rest of the world fades away.
i wrap my hand around your heart and feel it beat,
capturing your pulse in my palm
so i have something to take with me
when i go.

holy shit. its snowing.

what a pointless and transient existance this is. just a series of days, breathing in and breathing out, putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that the next breath will be more steady and the next step will take you in the right direction. looking for some reason, any reason, to justify the space you take up on this earth. tears can only ( Read more... )

wine ( Read more... )

the little ray of hope that im hanging onto right now is that someday i wont have to look at the calorie counter and i can just stop running when im done. my own weird ass version of freedom.

my cheeks are hollower than they used to be and my eyes give the impression of weighing down my face. but theres no one here to know that.

if a girl dies in the woods and nobody hears it, was she ever really alive?

its cold outside and im thinking of the fragility of sound. waves that die, muffled, in the sand. rain that shatters on my window. stifled sobs. screams that crack and words that falter. the tune of an old favorite song dusty, forgotten. laughter that tumbles over itself into oblivion. my grandmothers voice silenced by old age and an unexpected ( Read more... )