how do you learn to let someone hurt you...when you've spent so much time deflecting the pain others could inflict by rushing to do it yourself. how do you let go of being a child, let go of the schooling and the rules, the fear of disappointing those in authority. how do you find out who the fuck you are when everything you know falls away, piece ( Read more... )

its done. its finished. its mother-fucking over. my final paper has been written, and it will be turned in tomorrow. my last act as a student (save walking across the stage in a silly outfit) is complete.

kiss me, im almost graduated.

i smoke less when he's around. i stopped mid-cigarette the other night because it was cold outside and he wasnt there. i think im finally beginning to realize that this is how life will be every night in about two weeks. it will be cold outside, and he'll be half a country away.

hello winter.

well holy shit. im in love.

what a ridiculous day and a half. maybe its something...but even if it isnt i had fun, and i spent a good thirty-six hours being completely un-me.

unfortunately, i cant get rid of the voice in the back of my head that says...maybe its something.

"words move, music moves/ only in time; but that which is only living/ can only die."

if you listen very carefully, you may hear my brain shattering into a million pieces.

are we there yet?

yesterday my philosophy professor asked us "what is consciousness?"

for me at the moment, consciousness is defined by struggle; it is the thing i fight to regain every morning, fight to maintain every day, and fight to lose every night.

this war is tiring.

at some point this became more than a crush. at some point seeing him began to make my stomach do silly things. at some point, apparently, i forgot that there was no point in legitimately having feelings for him. but hey, if theres one guy out there whos absolutely perfect for me, theres bound to be more, right?

damn it...just damn it.

i cant remember the last time ive been this angry. the shaking hands, pounding heart, need to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes and drive like hell kind of angry.

i hate this. im not good at it.

screaming ourselves in circles
unable or unwilling to hear truths this loud and profound.
is this the end of our story?

god bless the forgetfulness of wine and the ease with which it allows us to move from waking to sleep. i am so indescribably ready for class to begin again tomorrow ( Read more... )