Thanksgiving Post
I'm sorry that this post came a few days late. I had to wait for some news to find out how to write this post. Alas, after having about three hours to absorb the news, I can finally sit down in bed and write a post. But I guess I will start with an update or two.
The past year was such a blur.
Since Thanksgiving 2004, I have made quite a few changes to my life. Due to health and financial issues, I am no longer attending school. I originally hoped to continue attending school, but I guess that wasn't going to work out.
Most of 2005 was dull with me sitting at home and plotting my return to the world as a better, stronger Simon. I spent most of my time on the phone with arwyr, who became my boyfriend/fiance/thing sometime around late 2004, but I didn't became close with until 2005. Anyway, I digress. I spent my time helping my dad set up his business again, helping my brother with getting reaccustomed to the US, and other things. Academically, I just spent a lot of time reading books and doing research for things here and there.
As my health deteriorated, I stopped travelling so much. Nonetheless, I still made one trip to Pittsburgh, several to DC, and several more to California. However, the most important trip was the one to Hong Kong in February.
My grandmother passed away on January 30th, 2005. She just turned 90 a few days before that. It was a brain aneurysm, I believe. I am thankful for these turn of events that allowed me to go to her funeral. I got to see her one last time, right up to the cremation. I love her very much, and there isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of her. A good long life though. I just wished I could have done more for her.
I struggled gravely to move on from servious1983. It was a tough process, and eventually I went on a nine month hiatus of not talking to him or most of his friends. Even after that, I only spoke to him twice. But we're friends again, albeit very distant friends. Perhaps one day, we'll become closer again. I may never get over him, but at least I rest comfort in the fact that he's better off without me around right now.
Moving on through the year, I've hit very rough patches with all my friends and my parents. Most of the people that I spoke with a lot I no longer speak to anymore. No more Jeff, no more Scott, or Nathan, or Clayton, or Zach... you get the picture. I'm sorry to all of you for doing whatever I did. Perhaps one day we can have a lot of fun again. I'm really really sorry, and I wish I could do better. But as always, the best of everything to all of you.
Due to an interesting twist of events, I got to move to Los Angeles a few weeks ago. I don't know how long I am going to be here yet, but it may be a while before I get to go anywhere again. I am now living with Art, who has taken great care of me and has gone to great lengths to accomodate my needs. I'd like to thank him right here for doing all that for me, even though most of the time I don't show the appreciation.
I am not quite sure who affected my life the most over the past year. It has been such a blur. Over the years though, I trimmed down my friends and my activities, and I am really reduced to having next to no friends at all. I spent most of this past year hanging out with Brandon. I didn't appreciate him in the beginning, but I realized that I like him more and more and more. He's genuinely a nice person, and I've done him a lot of wrong over the past year. Thanks for dealing with me and putting up with my antics.
I guess the two friends I do have here in Southern California would be Tyler and Nolan. Always fun for drinks, and thanks for showing up for my birthday thing. I can't thank you two enough for your kindness.
My main goal this past year was to emerge as a better, stronger, more resourceful Simon. I very much failed in this attempt. I am more emotionally battered, physically drained, and mentally dulled than ever before. I wanted to hang onto what I had, and I largely failed in that too. I'm beyond fucked in more than one way - mentally, physically, financially, legally.... but my friends, whoever they are right now, are largely still around. And they keep me cheered up when I want to be cheered up.
Nonetheless, I prefer spending most of my time just laying in bed and thinking and doing math. I am so exhausted from all the things that happened, especially in the past two or three months.
I spent the past few months battling with my family and trying to keep the family coherent, and to come up with as much money as possible. Not to my surprise, I failed. Unfortunately, there is a large price to pay, to be redeemed by myself in the next couple of days. I was very hopeful in the interim though, and I used every trick and connection up my sleeve to try to make sure that I did my best. And I did, but I fell far short, and there is only one thing left to do to try to accomplish this task. I just wonder if the price to pay is too big.
I'm glad to say though, that I made it through another year. Although I am still very emotionally distressed, I realized that I have learned a lot more about myself again. I no longer question my emotions, and believe that they just happen to me. They may or may not affect me, but I'll just let it flow.
I've had relatively few regrets this past year. I guess the fact that it took me too long to apologize to Shane and Jonathan was the main regret, but even that is water under the bridge. I wished that I was braver in admitting the events, and just face up to the few things that have fucked me over. But it took me forever. Thankfully it was still done.
Anyway, I can't think of much else to write. So I guess this ends this LJ-Cut.
This is the last livejournal post that will be made by me. Thank you for all your support. All comments will be responded.
Love,
Simon