I feel that I should either tell him how much seeing him bothers me, and ask him never to come again, or I should just let all this crap go.
Well, there's a third option, too. The next time he starts tearing you down, firmly state "I am not interested in hearing your opinion on this subject. Let's talk about something else." If he persists in bullying you, demand that he leave your home immediately until he is willing to be respectful (if you're out in public at dinner or something, pay the bill and leave). The important thing is to physically distance yourself from him if he does not respect your (calmly-stated) demand that he not trespass on your emotional well-being. Don't be concerned if he's traveled to see you or your meal is half-eaten, your goal is to physically remove yourself and your family from him whenever he is being abusive.
Repeat this process until his behavior changes.
That, I believe, is taking the highest moral ground.
(And just imagine his frustration at being treated like a naughty puppy!)
I have to agree with sarcasticwriter. You need to make it clear to your Dad that being disrecpectful is not going to be accepted. There is no place in a relationship for bullying.
I know it is harder than saying it. Parental relationships are hard.
You, my dear, are nobody's punching bag, or carpet to walk on.
My gut reaction when reading your post is that your Dad IS proud of you, he is completely incapable of showing it when he's face to face. He reverts back to behaviour of your childhood when he's uncomfortable, perhaps. I think he has daughter issues more than you have daddy issues...
I think you just need to stand up for yourself. Say that if he can't respect you in your own home, he should reconsider his next visit. You'd be happy to arrange grandparent skype time with Thor, but he won't be welcome if he can't control himself. Or something to that affect...
Parental relationships - especially daughter/father are challenging at times - but as you stated, you are an adult and you have a good life. AND you wrote a mother-effing BOOK!!!!
I have no new advice considering the previous three comments. I echo their sentiment. I also have nothing new to offer for wisdom because your predicament feels frighteningly realistic. You have managed to state it in a very clear and objective fashion, which I find quite impressive because it is such a personal thing.
I have to wonder, as I go through some of the same issues, what it is that makes a father act that way? To praise you to others and tell you he did it, only to burden you down with his lack of approval and constant reminders that you can't do anything as well as he can and that you are essentially lazy. Was that me projecting? Sorry. ;)
It sounds to me like you are getting it all in perfect perspective and that you are on your way to cresting that particular hill. Take hope in that. ;)
Comments 4
Well, there's a third option, too. The next time he starts tearing you down, firmly state "I am not interested in hearing your opinion on this subject. Let's talk about something else." If he persists in bullying you, demand that he leave your home immediately until he is willing to be respectful (if you're out in public at dinner or something, pay the bill and leave). The important thing is to physically distance yourself from him if he does not respect your (calmly-stated) demand that he not trespass on your emotional well-being. Don't be concerned if he's traveled to see you or your meal is half-eaten, your goal is to physically remove yourself and your family from him whenever he is being abusive.
Repeat this process until his behavior changes.
That, I believe, is taking the highest moral ground.
(And just imagine his frustration at being treated like a naughty puppy!)
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I know it is harder than saying it. Parental relationships are hard.
*hugs*
Katie
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You, my dear, are nobody's punching bag, or carpet to walk on.
My gut reaction when reading your post is that your Dad IS proud of you, he is completely incapable of showing it when he's face to face. He reverts back to behaviour of your childhood when he's uncomfortable, perhaps. I think he has daughter issues more than you have daddy issues...
I think you just need to stand up for yourself. Say that if he can't respect you in your own home, he should reconsider his next visit. You'd be happy to arrange grandparent skype time with Thor, but he won't be welcome if he can't control himself. Or something to that affect...
Parental relationships - especially daughter/father are challenging at times - but as you stated, you are an adult and you have a good life. AND you wrote a mother-effing BOOK!!!!
Reply
I have to wonder, as I go through some of the same issues, what it is that makes a father act that way? To praise you to others and tell you he did it, only to burden you down with his lack of approval and constant reminders that you can't do anything as well as he can and that you are essentially lazy. Was that me projecting? Sorry. ;)
It sounds to me like you are getting it all in perfect perspective and that you are on your way to cresting that particular hill. Take hope in that. ;)
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