Totally out of it! How can it happen so fast? Yesterday I was under such masterful control. Today it's as if brain and body were rebelling against my will ( Read more... )

I've been so rational for the past week. It's nice and calm and if I were to evaluate myself objectively, shrewdly, I might be proud of myself for causing no drama and putting out small fires. The trouble is, I feel so absurdly still as if all the fires and whirlwinds in my mind have gone out. It is now the silence of deep space and its empty ( Read more... )

Feeling inadequate now, eh.

stop it.

I used to be a real aesthete, drawing pretty grotesque sensational things. Now I find I cannot even draw them uncaringly. I have been reprogrammed to care because everything is political in some sense and I require some sort of conceptual rationale. Every line warps and uglifies, is harsher than it should be. Indelicate and delicate. My figures ( Read more... )

tralalalala la la la dee dee dee doo doop oop op op ooeeeee ( Read more... )

How to stem the borders when they continually overflow and are overcome by the intrusive forces of the outside? The surge threatens to merge with the fortress of my mind, creeping in a trickle that is a veritable spout in its own right, fountaining in in cataracts brimming with gestures, voices, words, sounds. This fortress is not made of stone ( Read more... )

The prospect of death claimed everything. It sagged the edges of a Sunday at the Botanical Gardens spent throwing Frisbees and eating hamburgers. It dogged the excitement at having my drawing praised at school. It shadowed the momentum of my walk to the train station, my buying of food at the school canteen, my thinking , 'Oh what nice sun today ( Read more... )

they're good people, and I ought to be grateful, but i also feel that it's impossible for me to be free or to be myself with them. I'm a terrible child, a cuckoo of the worst kind ( Read more... )

I've got a dam in my brain
Damn damn damn I've got
a dam in my brain

a bottle neck on
an artery
a lifeline of words and words words words
squeezed like a hangman's knot
A damn finicky dam

I sense a crack
o it'll all flood out

Trying to climb out of it, this great big rut, this giant gaping whirlpool...this great big dogged fearfulness that plagues every atom of me ( Read more... )