i'm not dead ( Read more... )

did you ever read it?

i guess i won't get to ask you now. i wish i would have. house of leaves. i just got my copy two days ago, christmas eve. i'd heard about it before, of course. read interviews and excerpts and talked to folks who were obsessed with it from the first edition ten years ago. ten years ago, i didn't know you, didn't know anything ( Read more... )

Today is my birthday, and between the finals and the essays and the meetings with academic advisers, all I can think about is you. What you'd say when I told you and how you'd have some cryptic take on the subject of aging and how you'd understand what I mean when I say I've always felt old. And when I mention how much it sucked to walk to ( Read more... )

nothing matters.

sooner or later, everyone leaves.

i have been told that there are two ways to respond to fear:

to run from it

or to be fascinated by it.

i am noticing a pattern to my behavior.

searching for the unsettling.

the frightening.

the mad.

i don't know what this means.

. . .

do i have a death wish?

i watched some silent hill playthroughs today.

they reminded me of you.

i don't know whether that makes me happy or sad.

but i know i miss you.

sometimes, screaming into the void like this helps.

sometimes it doesn't.

i am remembering ( Read more... )

i dreamt i tried to save her. she was a blue girl, i was crazy, and we were in a home for mutants and the mentally ill. the administrators had taken her to the basement labyrinth, to their offices amid cells with iron bars and leaking walls, and they were going to do terrible things to her. i woke up before i could find her, and as hard as i tried ( Read more... )

so in a word, this summer has been fucked. i've been floating along, trying to keep above water as best i can. i've been online a lot. researching things, talking to people, passing the time until my next period of unconsciousness. some work thrown in there as well, but that's getting to be more and more of a joke. i'm down to seven and a half ( Read more... )

i just want to feel like i matter.

i miss you most on nights like these.

i don't even know if you would want to talk to me now.

i don't think i would want to talk to me.

i wish you were here.