The Merlinspam of Pretty - Picspam for Season 1 Episode 2
Hello, all. This is a very comprehensive picspam/commentary/thing for Season 1 Episode 2 of Merlin, and it's also proof that, when faced with ridiculous plotlines and pretty pretty boys, I have no restraint whatsoever. Join in if you want to feel all that slashy Merlin love again.
Let's get straight into it, shall we?
In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. Hold up, a second. Myth? The beautiful new opening sequence (featuring a lovely closeup of Colin Morgan’s eyes) probably smashed straight through the younger viewers’ beliefs in the reality of the show. I know it smashed straight through mine.
We start off the episode with a shady looking character walking through some sort of a marketplace. Or perhaps through hell (there are an awful lot of flames about). I think we can safely assume that this is the Bad Guy of the Week. He’s looking to buy a shield.
Now, usually, I’d be a little sceptical. I mean, bad guys generally go for some sort of a weapon, like a sword or a gun (and yes, I’m fully expecting a gun to show up one of these days. We all know it wouldn’t be the most anachronistic thing to happen in this show).
But then the shield seller (who is Mundungus Fletcher from Harry Potter, I think) says some dramatic, foreign-sounding words and oh, wow, look, the shield contains essence of real live snake. I’m not too sure whether magic is really difficult to use specifically or this guy simply hasn’t thought through how best to use it (and judging by Merlin’s inability to think through his spells, I’m going to assume it’s the latter), but conjuring real live snakes out of a shield doesn’t seem to me to be the most effective way to kill someone in a fight.
The bad man seems to like it, though.
He likes it even more when he gets complete instructions as to how the shield works. Clearly, Merlin isn’t the only magician to be lacking in commonsense.
And then the magician happily hands the shield over, saying that the snakes are now under your command. Even if he missed the subtle I’m-a-bad-man warning signs (and the not so subtle ones - I mean, good people don’t really go around buying magical biting shields), this is a little ridiculous, because Bad Man hasn’t even shown him any money.
So really, nobody’s surprised when Mundungus dies. Well, except maybe the magician himself, but he really ought to have seen that one coming.
On a side note, Bad Man has an interesting I’m-watching-you-die face. He’s all like this is so much fun. Oh, there goes his face. That’s kind of intense. But hey, survival of the fittest and all that. And boy, am I fit.
Then the Bad Man rides in super slo-mo into a castle, which I’m going to assume is Camelot. They really should put up a sign or something. He’s still sporting the Shield of Death (which should technically be called the Shield of Paralytic Snake Bites, but I thought I’d steer clear of that one).
And also, Bad Man is now going to be referred to as BM. Or perhaps as Bam. (I’m pretty sure his name is actually Valiant, but judging by his recent nefarious dealings, I have a feeling he’s got about as much valour as a rock. And rocks don’t have much valour.)
Possibly Camelot.
But for all of the audience members who were busy getting lost in the confusion of it all, the next two lines sum up the situation nicely. We’re in Camelot, there’s a tournament on, Bam is competing, and it’s fairly safe to assume that he’s using the snake shield, because his cute mini-shield (and his clothes) match it.
Cue dramatic stares set to dramatic music. I sense drama.
Ooo, credits! Colin Morgan gets his name matched with his face, while both Bradley James and Angel Coulby get a horse. I’m not sure what they’re trying to suggest with this. Perhaps they both have an odd affinity with horses. Perhaps they ride horses a lot. Perhaps the credit-makers think they look like horses. Who knows.
And then we get the title again. Just in case you’d forgotten what you were watching since the last time it came up.
And here come the boys. The credits are still rather oddly matched (unless they're suggesting that Merlin is John Hurt. Or that Merlin is the dragon. It's certainly a possibility).
Also, Merlin is now the one wearing the strange armour piece we saw displayed on Arthur’s fine form last episode. Aw, they share their armour.
Merlin is obviously having quite a few difficulties with his sword. Arthur is all sweet merciful heavens, why do I put up with this man? It certainly isn’t because of his beautiful white skin and his lovely curvy ears. Of course not.
Oh, alright. It totally is.
This time, though, it probably isn’t Merlin’s fault that he’s having trouble. He’s totally drowning in that armour. Arthur has considerately given him chainmail gloves to protect his hands, because he knows exactly what Merlin can do with those hands, and he doesn’t want to risk losing them.
Arthur preps his sword while Merlin dons protective gear. These boys do seem to like it rough.
Arthur’s all I’m going to take you apart, bb.
It doesn’t look like it’ll be hard. I don’t know what Merlin is wearing on his head, but I doubt that it was originally intended as a helmet. Merlin probably had to spend quite a while rooting around in the back of Arthur’s cupboard (heh) to find it.
Then Arthur attacks, helpfully telling Merlin the areas that he’s aiming for. Unsurprisingly, he hits them. And then - oddly - we get a close up of Merlin’s feet and the audience is probably all HAHA WHAT ARE THOSE?! They’re like a cross between high fashion and elf boots.
Arthur’s all shield! Body! Head! I think that last one is a request.
And this has been capped half to death, but it’s just so perfect that I couldn’t leave it out. Arthur’s all oh, yeah. That’s the way. Now just keep going and pretend like this whole thing wasn’t simply a ruse to get Merlin in a position where you could stick him in the ass with a sword. He’s such a sadist.
But Merlin’s ahh doesn’t sound particularly pained. Methinks he’s done that sort of thing before.
Come on, Merlin, I’ve got a tournament to win.
Somehow, I doubt practicing against Merlin is going to help you with that, Arthur. Merlin isn’t exactly the brawniest of men, and he probably didn’t even know which end of a sword it was dangerous to have stuck in you until that morning. Unless Arthur has very low expectations for this tournament, or all of his knights mysteriously vanished when he needed them, I’d say he was looking for an excuse to have alone time with his new slave manservant.
Can we stop now please? Aw, he’s so polite. And continuing in the earlier what’s-up-with-the-armour vein, Merlin’s elbow guards are rather hilarious.
Faceee.
Aw, he’s so focused. And wearing two swords again.
Arthur fells the poor, helpless Merlin.
You’re braver than you look. Most servants collapse after the first blow. Oh, that ain’t bravery, Arthur. That’s called stamina.
Unsurprisingly, Merlin isn't too pleased to hear that Arthur's been blowing the servants.
But Arthur demonstrates exactly how he can make it up to Merlin.
Merlin returns to Gaius' chambers looking ravished.
Gaius approves. He's all oh, I did the same thing in my day, boy. Uther was such a babe back then.
Merlin really didn't need to know.
Merlin isn't the only man in Camelot who knows how to use his hands. Really, there's enough material in this show to pair anybody with anybody. Though I'd rather not look too much into this particular shot.
Oh Gaius, you sly thing.
Then Merlin gets this really intense look on his face that alerts the audience (and everyone else in the room. He's not very subtle) to the fact that he's about to use magic.
And then, surprise surprise, he does.For some reason, he’s started using spells instead of waving his hand about wildly. I preferred the hand waving, myself. The spell is so long that it probably would have been quicker to reach his arm out and open the book by hand.
Despite that, I’m curious as to why the spells aren’t a lot longer. Surely saying something like ‘open the book’ in whatever language Merlin’s speaking would open every single book in the room. Or in the kingdom. In which case the spell would have to be something like ‘open the book entitled Things I Need To Know to page five hundred and three and drag within arm’s reach as well, please’. Perhaps intentions have something to do with it, but if that was the case then I’m really not sure how Merlin wouldn’t end up with Arthur splayed naked across the bed every time he considered using magic.
Aw, face. He gets a slap for using it. That's right, kiddies, your parents are still going to be knocking you around when you're twenty.
I'm just going to go ahead and pretend that it's Arthur's hobo-gloved hand causing Merlin to make that face. Feel free to join me.
They talk some more. Merlin asks did you see my list of duties? Gaius is all like haha, yes. You, my boy, are going to get no sleep tonight.
Merlin then admits that he's jealous that Arthur gets girls. Or jealous that girls get Arthur. I forget which.
I'm not sure what Gaius is doing to his shoulder, but it looks rather painful. And judging by the quality of doctoring around in medieval times (bloodletting, anyone?) I'm going to assume that this it isn't all that beneficial to Merlin's health.
Then it's morning, and Merlin's out strolling across Camelot, and it's time to play What Would You Feed Colin Morgan? I know I'm vegetarian, and he's vegetarian, but seriously, that man looks like he needs a good steak.
Then Merlin and Gwen have a chat about where all the parts are supposed to go. I don't know who dressed Arthur for yesterday's fighting session, but it obviously wasn't Merlin, because he's looking adorably confused all throughout her explanation.
This show is one giant love-fest. And Gwen seems to be getting rather fond of Merlin, considering she's destined to be with Arthur. And with Lancelot.
Aw. Merlin thinks he's smarter than he actually is.
I'm the blacksmith's daughter. Oh Gwen, you have so far to rise.
So Merlin, now knowing absolutely everything there is to know about armour, goes to get Arthur ready to fight. Arthur's all why aren't you taking these clothes off, Merlin?
Merlin's all seriously? In public? Again?
Merlin has adorable too-long sleeves. And Arthur probably had to use all of his princely self-control to resist patting Merlin’s head.
Subtle, Arthur. Either he's fantasising about that sandwich he had for lunch the other day, or he's got his eyes firmly fixed on Merlin's pretty mouth. I'm going to go ahead and assume it's the latter, because we all know that Merlin would beat sandwiches any day.
Arthur realises that fantasising about his manservant doesn't really qualify as Proper Princely Behaviour.
Not too sure what Merlin’s doing with his other hand here. Arthur seems to like it, though.
Arthur's all don't ask me what that is. I haven't dressed myself since... well, since ever, actually. Clothes are for the weak.
Merlin thinks that undressing Arthur is a lot easier (and much more fun).
Holy moly, lips. Merlin thinks he's all finished.
Done? Done?! I think not, slave.
Ahaha, face. Merlin's all oh come on. How was I supposed to know I left your fly undone? Why does your armour even have a fly? Wait, don't show me- ooohhhh. Alright, that's not such a bad idea.
So Merlin grabs the sword and...no, I'm not gonna lie. This cap is just here so we can all admire Merlin's lovely fingers.
Merlin hands over the sword and Arthur, ever the gentleman, is all thanks, idiot peasant, and storms off to beat up some knights.
Ah, poor, optimistic Merlin. He's all I did so well! I deserve a pat on the back, Arthur. Arthur? Arthur?! Where'd you go? Come back!
Meanwhile, Bam gets in the zone. He's all like glory will be mine. *stares dramatically off into the distance*
Arthur's all hoshit, that guy is huge. And he totally colour-coordinated his outfit better than me. Dammit, I'm never letting Merlin dress me again.
Merlin's off dramatically peeking around walls. I'm not sure why he doesn't just go and sit in the stands with the rest of the crowd.
Then Uther does his whole 'good luck beating Arthur, look at all the money you'll get if you do, but you totally won't because, uh, it's Arthur' spiel.
Bam's like ooh yeah, bb, you look like you could use a beating.
Arthur doesn't look too happy about the tournament. Perhaps Uther is one of those parents who keeps buying him swords every single birthday, when all he really wants is a pretty new dress and some lovely sparkly earrings. I bet Uther makes him enter swordfighting tournaments instead of beauty pageants as well.
The fight begins. Gwen looks slightly worried, while Morgana's wondering whether it would be inappropriate if she got in there with them.
Not too sure what Merlin's yelling out here, but it probably isn't very helpful. I mean, he didn't even know how to put on a suit of armour until five minutes ago. I doubt he's aware of the finer points of swordsmanship.
That would play all sorts of havoc with your peripherals.
Arthur's rocking the chainmail hoodie. He wins the fight. I bet the audience never saw that one coming.
Bam wins, too.
Then there's some more fighting. Where did they find this guy? I wasn't aware that ninjas were usually present at medieval tournaments.
Uther's clapping is the most violent I've ever seen. He makes similar expressions to Bam, which suggests that the two are going to get along marvelously. And the knight on the left has some seriously flowing locks.
Bam interrupts Arthur and Merlin's, uh, warm up session.
They aren't impressed.
Bam congratulates Arthur. Merlin's all like get away from my man, bitch. I'll totally turn you into a frog, don't think I won't.
It’s alright Merlin, bb. Bam ain’t got nothing on you. Arthur’s all I’m going to give you heaps of chores so that I can see your little disappointed face which is actually quite cute and makes me feel strangely warm inside because I’m messed up like that, and maybe later you’ll come begging to my chambers on your knees because you can’t finish them all and we can have SUCH fun. I get the feeling that I sometimes read too much into these things.
Then the fight is over for the day, and Merlin decides that instead of using magic to, oh, I don’t know, spy on Arthur (oh come on. Like you wouldn’t do it too), he’s going to do his chores with it. Which isn’t a bad idea, really, except that he didn’t even bother to lock his door. Oh, Merlin.
He denies everything, of course, and Gaius just puts on his he’s a complete idiot, what can I do? expression and leaves. Merlin thinks he got away with it. And I’m not even going to say anything about that, because his relieved face is just so nice.
Then it’s the feast and Bam is totally taking over Camelot. He impresses Uther, woos Morgana, and makes some new knight friends. I still don’t actually know what he’s aiming to achieve in this episode. He’s a Bad Man without a plan.
Arthur is unhappy about that. He isn’t being swayed by Bam’s charm. We all know he prefers his men slim, silly and pale.
Ah, the pretty. Arthur is being his usual prattish self, which doesn't help him to win anyone over. Well, except Merlin. But he looks lovely by candlelight, so no one really minds.
On a side note, why are all the knights wearing armour to the feast? Surely they don't expect the enemy to leap out of the roast boar and slaughter them? Though I suppose that after last week's incident, they'd be a little more alert (and Arthur would wear chainmail anyway, just so that Merlin has to go back to his chambers and undress him later).
Then we see Merlin wandering around the armoury. He hears the shield snakes making noises (I don't know why they'd give themselves away like that, but let's just assume that they had a good reason). He goes to take a look, and is all what the hell? A snake crest? Snakes are so last year. Everyone knows dragons are the next big thing.
And while we're on the subject, I know that Arthur's surname is Pendragon, and all, but I still don't get why Uther's happy to have a magical creature on his family crest. It sort of goes against his whole philosophy.
He has a lovely profile. Bam catches Merlin having fun times with the shield.
He's all don't put your nasty servant fingers on my stuff or I'll rip them off and stuff them where the sun don't shine. And I don't mean in your mouth, either. Merlin must be nervous. I think it's the first time we've heard him call Arthur 'my master'.
Bam's all like oh, alright then, you were mighty close to my shield but I suppose that you're too cute to be dangerous. Plus, you tripped on the way out the door so I don't think you have that much control over your brain. Be gone, wee beastie.
And yet again, Merlin gets caught in a compromising situation but manages to talk his way out of it. Either he's really, really lucky, or the Evil School of Sorcery and World Domination is sending all of their dropouts over to Camelot. The villains we've encountered recently really don't seem all that smart.
Merlin takes the armour up to Arthur, who's disappointed that he managed to get all of his chores done. He's all ooh yeah, Merlin, I'm watching you.
Then Merlin gets to work dressing Arthur. Let's take guesses as to what he's looking at. His own hands? Arthur's armour? Arthur's delightfully exposed neck?
Yes, that is Arthur's waist that Merlin is hugging. Heterosexual, this show? Don't be silly, not at all.
Merlin remembers the sword, and is very, very proud of himself. Oh, Merlin.
Arthur’s all like seriously, Merlin? I beat up like twenty guys yesterday. That’s something to be proud of. You remembered my sword. That’s not. But you’re pretty, so whatevs.
Then they’re ready to go, and Merlin follows Arthur down to the tournament. Arthur probably makes Merlin walk that far behind him so that no one can tell that Merlin’s actually taller than the prince.
Merlin's having special wall time again.
Is it my imagination, or are you beginning to enjoy yourself? Ah. Gaius found out about last night, then.
The crowd is going WILD.
Then it's tournament time, and Arthur and Bam beat up (and possibly slaughter, in Bam's case) some inferior, unimportant knights who are probably really nice fellows with wives and children and quaint little cottages by the ocean painted in pretty pastel colours. But, sadly, these knights are knocked senseless within the first five minutes of the tournament, so their happy lives are left untold.
All except this guy, who gets a nice closeup shot with the snake.
I think he's badly hurt. Oh no, Merlin, he's not, he just enjoys lying on the ground in the middle of a tournament in front of a huge crowd after he's been defeated. It's such fun to do, and totally not humiliating at all.
Then Gaius trots over, and the crowd is still cheering. I'm going to guess that they're cheering for Gaius doing such a brilliant job, because Bam doesn't seem to be too thrilled.
The injured purple man rolls around a bit and moans, which confuses me. I thought the snakes were supposed to paralyse the knight so that Bam could kill him? Either that magician bloke was lying, or the purple man is immune to snakebites. Or perhaps the magic is really short-lived and Bam just sucks at killing people properly.
Gaius and Merlin do all sorts of things to the poor, defenseless purple man. Gaius says this looks like a snakebite. His words are accompanied by helpful rattlesnake sounds, which is good, because otherwise the audience might not have been able to connect the strange new snakebite to the shield-snake the guy had on him two minutes earlier.
Merlin's all like what? Snakebites can kill people?! Apparently, back in ol' Ealdor, the snakes slithered harmlessly around the town and sung merry songs with the villagers.
Merlin’s all ooo, hang on, strange, sudden snakebite + no snakes to be seen + close proximity to Bam = Bam is a bad man! He runs off to save the day.
Gaius doesn't notice.
I’d complain about the amount of peeking around walls that Merlin does in this show, except that... well, he does it so prettily that there isn’t really all that much to be complaining about.
Colin Morgan by candlelight is a very delightful sight.
Seriously, how is he even real?!
And yet again, I have serious doubts about the intelligence of the magician who cast this particular spell. They’re magic snakes, you shouldn’t have to feed them.
Merlin watches noisily. And enviously. He’s all I wish someone would bother to feed me. I don’t want much. Just a few leaves of lettuce, or something. Please?!
Bam chases after the mysterious intruder. What’s with the statue? And the bricked up fireplace? The historian within me is dying a slow, painful death.
Merlin gets away and runs back to explain everything to Gaius. He’s all OMG magic! Bam has magic! Magic is so bad! Let’s tell Arthur how bad magic is!
Gaius doesn’t think that’s too smart. The audience agrees.
I need proof? Haha, yeah, nice one Gaius.
He gets a quick lesson on exactly where he stands in the Great Medieval Order. He’s way, way below the knights, though I think he’d probably rank slightly higher than the shield snakes, if only because Arthur likes him.
Meanwhile, our purple friend gets to show off the extent of his acting talents.
Then it’s morning again. Whoever’s on the camera this episode really likes artsy, the-main-focus-of-this-shot-is-half-hidden-and-distant type shots.
You’re telling me you’ve got to fight that? Merlin’s pep talk leaves something to be desired.
He’s strong as a bear. Merlin’s all oh, no, he looks so much stronger than that. He’s as strong as a dragon. Or as strong as my love for you. Arthur isn't impressed.
Arthur proves yet again that although the royal family are adept enough to run an entire kingdom, they are incapable of using their arms. But that’s okay, because it gives us lovely suggestive shots such as this one.
Go get 'em, tiger.
That helmet is all kinds of bad.
And Merlin is all kinds of good.
He's still annoyed at Gaius for telling Merlin exactly how unimportant he is in the eyes of the nobles. Merlin’s all that’s not what Arthur says. When he’s king he says I’m going to get my own pony, and a room next to his, and a really big pointy hat with stars on it.
Then there’s some more fight scenes, and a few shots of Arthur watching Bam worriedly and Merlin watching Arthur longingly.
Bam takes out another man. And not to dinner, either. The crowd amuses me - especially that white-haired man on the far right. He should get his own show. Or at least lend Gaius his shampoo.
Then Merlin sums up the situation nicely. He’s all Bam/Arthur showdown! OHNO!!
Then he storms off to stare moodily at sick people. That’s an unhealthy hobby you’ve got there, Merlin.
Face!
If I were Arthur, I’d board up all of Camelot’s windows so that Merlin has to walk round bathed in candlelight every second of the day.
Gaius is all we need to cure this bloke, so he can tell Uther that Bam has snakes in his shield. Even if they found a cure, I really don’t think Mr Purple will be up for doing anything other than running home as fast as he can. And maybe a nice therapy session or several.
Merlin gets his determined face on.
Meanwhile, Uther hits the booze. His conversation starter goes something like do you think Valiant has a chance of defeating my son? Oh, that’ll make for interesting dinnertime discussion.
Arthur’s all oh come on, daddy, not this again.
I think he has a wall fetish.
Bam gets invited to stick around. He’s all yes, yes. I might. Arthur’s looking pretty tonight, isn’t he? If I win the tournament do I get to keep him?
And also, for someone who hates magicians, Uther seems to spend a lot of time accidentally befriending them.
Part 2 is here :)