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this is where i'm at:
i think it could work. i think technically it is possible that three people could be three people in essentially one relationship and that they are all happy and it works out for them. i think that that is true.
i don't think i want that.
it hurts my feelings to not be enough on my own. it hurts my feelings. and it isn't ( Read more... ) -
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okay my homework is to try to imagine that it works out. that we could do this with another person.
okay. allie went on another date tonight and has one set up for tomorrow morning. so. i'm not in the most optimistic of moods because it upsets me when she goes on dates. it upsets me and it's annoying! it upsets me. i feel hurt and irrelevant and. i ( Read more... ) -
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allie wants passion in a relationship. what am i doing here -
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my homework for this week is ( Read more... ) -
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i told allie i was more ambivalent about having kids and she took it very without a conversation which i was very surprised by but i did what i needed to!
also i've stopped wearing my rings
it just feels like something i need to do
oh wait let me try to remember the whole convo about kids
she mentioned something about how her cousin's wife was ( Read more... ) -
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i never really REALLY realized how often allie mentions having children. so it's constantly on my mind that i have to tell her that i am gonna have to wait and see how i feel with a third person before i decide whether or not i want to have kids.
and it's...really upsetting, lmao. like, not to be a drama queen, but she kind of DOES make me feel ( Read more... ) -
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i'm so upset lmao
i finally told allie that in an effort to share my feelings, i was thinking about the possibility of a third person
and she said like thinking how? dwelling? (mangling her words but she prompted me and asked if it was dwelling)
to which i said yes
and then she said well i want to date, i want to have a romantic relationship, and i ( Read more... ) -
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sorry, one more thing: when we had that conversation about like, commitment and like, what "it would make sense to get divorced" means, allie also referenced like. our kids. so like we wouldn't get divorced so that our kids would have stability. i'm just. none of it was about like. .... me? like needing me, but that's not the same thing? and i know ( Read more... ) -
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this is why it's always better not to care about things. this is why it's ALWAYS better not to care about things. what a fucking idiot
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also, just a quick addendum: i think it would be different if i also were planning on dating someone. i think it would be a lot easier for me to deal with because i would want like, parallel of what allie wants. but all it is to me is a sign that if i'm not enough now - NOW! - if i've never actually been enough.......what am i doing here? what are ( Read more... )