BtVS ficlet "NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION TO HELL" (3/4)
***************
This addition to the story -- which DOES contain spoilers for all of season 5 of AtS -- is dedicated to a reviewer over on Twisting the Hellmouth who wanted to know what the infernal regions might have to say about Cordy. I found I couldn't resist that idea!
Hope you enjoy.
NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION TO HELL FILMSTRIP, PART TWO
Somewhere in a classroom in Hell there’s the sound of an infectious musical beat, accompanied by the much less attractive sound of the clicking, whistling, gurgling, and screeching in a demon dialect that some demonic species (mostly the ones without human-like vocal cords or hearing apparatus) would translate as ‘singing’ . . .
“...You know it’s hard out here for an imp (you ain’t knowin’)..."
"Are you sure you're singing that right?"
"You simply have no ear for music."
“Wait, are we recording yet? Okay, starting . . . now!”
*beep*
"This filmstrip contains part two of a multi-part overview of section 6.6 of the New Employee Handbook: 'Avoiding Mistakes That Lead to Employee Termination and Eternal Evisceration.' Please give your full attention to the images on the overhead screen, as there will be another test at the conclusion of this presentation."
*beep*
“This is a photograph of sometime actress and fulltime seer Cordelia Chase (current whereabouts unknown).
“Ms. Chase has diminished company profits in a number of ways over the years, as shown in the following bar graph.”
*beep*
“For additional information on company history with Ms. Chase see handbook appendix 3.33 for a summary of her - admittedly, inadvertent - role in ’The Jasmine Crisis’, as well as appendix 2.6 on ’The Pylean Princess Problem’ and appendix 9.1 under ’Angel Investigations: How MUCH Do We Hate Them?’).
“At present, she is suspected of having become a special agent of some sort for The Other Side following her recent death, but we have been unable to acquire reliable, first-hand intelligence on that score, since all the undercover operatives sent to infiltrate The Powers and locate Cordelia Chase have somehow been immediately unmasked and apprehended before they could acquire any useful information.
"This is not a problem we've previously had with infiltration attempts, and so it has given rise to much speculation and alarm.
“Worse yet, the last three operatives assigned to ‘Operation Chase’ were returned to this dimension not only bound and gagged in the traditional, approved manner, but also dressed in sparkly pink tutus and wearing plastic tiaras. The news of their condition has led to a complete absence of volunteers for any future infiltration attempts related to Ms. Chase.”
*beep*
“So that you may be aware of the level of hazard potentially involved with this former human, here is a picture of the first demonic operative returned to us in such humiliating garb. According to Inhuman Resources, he is still undergoing intensive therapy and will be on medical leave for quite some time to come. We can only hope that the indelible lipstick applied to his mandibles will fade after his next molting.
“Someone on The Other Side has apparently developed a truly twisted sense of humor - which several of our analysts argue should be taken as sufficient proof, in and of itself, that Ms. Chase is indeed actively involved with and in fact playing an influential role in The Other Side’s latest counter-intelligence efforts.
“However, most analysts agree that this is a prospect too horrible to contemplate and should therefore be loudly denounced as ‘impossible!’ whenever anyone brings it up, and that the other analysts should be summarily executed for thinking of it in the first place.
“Whether or not this loud and emphatic denial will prove to be an effective corporate defense strategy remains to be seen.
“In the meantime, any employee who encounters Cordelia Chase in any form, corporeal or non-corporeal, in the line of duty should immediately report her whereabouts to the senior demon in their department. The employee may also qualify for ‘Extreme Hazard Pay,’ if the encounter was of any duration and involved actual conversation with Ms. Chase.”
*beep*
“However, no hazard pay related to Cordelia Chase can be approved without the employee first filling out form C112-Delta-14sub9, pictured here.
“This is not to be confused with form C112-Delta-14sub8, which looks very similar but is only to be used in case of ‘Direct Contact with One or More of The Scoobies’ and testifies to the employee’s informed consent regarding their imminent flaying.”
*beep*
“On a related subject, this is the current physical form of an Old One who recently escaped from The Deeper Well, known as Illyria (see the existing case study titled 'Primordium, God-King of', and a new, updated version of that file should be approved for dissemination soon). All employees should be on guard against and immediately report any appearance by Illyria in this dimension.
“Although the Old Ones would normally be considered this company’s natural allies and potential franchise holders, Illyria has apparently been corrupted or infected in some manner through extensive contact with some former associates of Ms. Chase.”
*beep*
“This is a snapshot of those former associates -- collectively and somewhat anachronistically known as ’The Angel Investigations Gang’ -- when last seen.
“Although the photo quality is obviously poor, having been taken mid-battle, you can clearly see some familiar faces from part one of this filmstrip: the ensouled vampires Angel and Spike.
“Also pictured is Illyria, of course, although that’s hard to see. She’s the red-blue blur shown ripping out the spinal cord of that armored Grk’slnv Beast."
*beep*
“Here is a portion of that same photo, enlarged to show the face of Charles Gunn. Mr. Gunn holds the record for ’Greatest Number of Deaths Through Torture Voluntarily Suffered in a Hellish Holding Dimension For the Sake of Others’ (see appendix 4.2 under ’Useful Stats’).
“For this reason, although he seems to be in imminent danger of collapse and death in this photograph and might normally be presumed dead by this time, Charles Gunn is still regarded as a very real threat and will continue to be on our ‘Watch List’ until we have physical proof of his final, permanent death.”
*beep*
“If you see any of these people - shown here in an older, less blood-spattered photo, during more peaceful times - you MUST immediately inform your superiors. Do not attempt to approach these individuals on your own or allow them to speak with you, since we do not know how much exposure is needed in order to suffer the same fate as poor, misguided, demon-dismembering Illyria.
"Also, Illyria can kill many lower level demons using only her pinky finger, and has shown a willingness to do so upon little or no provocation.”
*beep*
“This concludes part two of today’s orientation filmstrip.
“If you are ready to take the test on part two immediately, please take out your number-two fountain pen and tap the vein of your choice.
“As always, all tests must be written in blood and filed in triplicate.”
This addition to the story -- which DOES contain spoilers for all of season 5 of AtS -- is dedicated to a reviewer over on Twisting the Hellmouth who wanted to know what the infernal regions might have to say about Cordy. I found I couldn't resist that idea!
Hope you enjoy.
NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION TO HELL FILMSTRIP, PART TWO
Somewhere in a classroom in Hell there’s the sound of an infectious musical beat, accompanied by the much less attractive sound of the clicking, whistling, gurgling, and screeching in a demon dialect that some demonic species (mostly the ones without human-like vocal cords or hearing apparatus) would translate as ‘singing’ . . .
“...You know it’s hard out here for an imp (you ain’t knowin’)..."
"Are you sure you're singing that right?"
"You simply have no ear for music."
“Wait, are we recording yet? Okay, starting . . . now!”
*beep*
"This filmstrip contains part two of a multi-part overview of section 6.6 of the New Employee Handbook: 'Avoiding Mistakes That Lead to Employee Termination and Eternal Evisceration.' Please give your full attention to the images on the overhead screen, as there will be another test at the conclusion of this presentation."
*beep*
“This is a photograph of sometime actress and fulltime seer Cordelia Chase (current whereabouts unknown).
“Ms. Chase has diminished company profits in a number of ways over the years, as shown in the following bar graph.”
*beep*
“For additional information on company history with Ms. Chase see handbook appendix 3.33 for a summary of her - admittedly, inadvertent - role in ’The Jasmine Crisis’, as well as appendix 2.6 on ’The Pylean Princess Problem’ and appendix 9.1 under ’Angel Investigations: How MUCH Do We Hate Them?’).
“At present, she is suspected of having become a special agent of some sort for The Other Side following her recent death, but we have been unable to acquire reliable, first-hand intelligence on that score, since all the undercover operatives sent to infiltrate The Powers and locate Cordelia Chase have somehow been immediately unmasked and apprehended before they could acquire any useful information.
"This is not a problem we've previously had with infiltration attempts, and so it has given rise to much speculation and alarm.
“Worse yet, the last three operatives assigned to ‘Operation Chase’ were returned to this dimension not only bound and gagged in the traditional, approved manner, but also dressed in sparkly pink tutus and wearing plastic tiaras. The news of their condition has led to a complete absence of volunteers for any future infiltration attempts related to Ms. Chase.”
*beep*
“So that you may be aware of the level of hazard potentially involved with this former human, here is a picture of the first demonic operative returned to us in such humiliating garb. According to Inhuman Resources, he is still undergoing intensive therapy and will be on medical leave for quite some time to come. We can only hope that the indelible lipstick applied to his mandibles will fade after his next molting.
“Someone on The Other Side has apparently developed a truly twisted sense of humor - which several of our analysts argue should be taken as sufficient proof, in and of itself, that Ms. Chase is indeed actively involved with and in fact playing an influential role in The Other Side’s latest counter-intelligence efforts.
“However, most analysts agree that this is a prospect too horrible to contemplate and should therefore be loudly denounced as ‘impossible!’ whenever anyone brings it up, and that the other analysts should be summarily executed for thinking of it in the first place.
“Whether or not this loud and emphatic denial will prove to be an effective corporate defense strategy remains to be seen.
“In the meantime, any employee who encounters Cordelia Chase in any form, corporeal or non-corporeal, in the line of duty should immediately report her whereabouts to the senior demon in their department. The employee may also qualify for ‘Extreme Hazard Pay,’ if the encounter was of any duration and involved actual conversation with Ms. Chase.”
*beep*
“However, no hazard pay related to Cordelia Chase can be approved without the employee first filling out form C112-Delta-14sub9, pictured here.
“This is not to be confused with form C112-Delta-14sub8, which looks very similar but is only to be used in case of ‘Direct Contact with One or More of The Scoobies’ and testifies to the employee’s informed consent regarding their imminent flaying.”
*beep*
“On a related subject, this is the current physical form of an Old One who recently escaped from The Deeper Well, known as Illyria (see the existing case study titled 'Primordium, God-King of', and a new, updated version of that file should be approved for dissemination soon). All employees should be on guard against and immediately report any appearance by Illyria in this dimension.
“Although the Old Ones would normally be considered this company’s natural allies and potential franchise holders, Illyria has apparently been corrupted or infected in some manner through extensive contact with some former associates of Ms. Chase.”
*beep*
“This is a snapshot of those former associates -- collectively and somewhat anachronistically known as ’The Angel Investigations Gang’ -- when last seen.
“Although the photo quality is obviously poor, having been taken mid-battle, you can clearly see some familiar faces from part one of this filmstrip: the ensouled vampires Angel and Spike.
“Also pictured is Illyria, of course, although that’s hard to see. She’s the red-blue blur shown ripping out the spinal cord of that armored Grk’slnv Beast."
*beep*
“Here is a portion of that same photo, enlarged to show the face of Charles Gunn. Mr. Gunn holds the record for ’Greatest Number of Deaths Through Torture Voluntarily Suffered in a Hellish Holding Dimension For the Sake of Others’ (see appendix 4.2 under ’Useful Stats’).
“For this reason, although he seems to be in imminent danger of collapse and death in this photograph and might normally be presumed dead by this time, Charles Gunn is still regarded as a very real threat and will continue to be on our ‘Watch List’ until we have physical proof of his final, permanent death.”
*beep*
“If you see any of these people - shown here in an older, less blood-spattered photo, during more peaceful times - you MUST immediately inform your superiors. Do not attempt to approach these individuals on your own or allow them to speak with you, since we do not know how much exposure is needed in order to suffer the same fate as poor, misguided, demon-dismembering Illyria.
"Also, Illyria can kill many lower level demons using only her pinky finger, and has shown a willingness to do so upon little or no provocation.”
*beep*
“This concludes part two of today’s orientation filmstrip.
“If you are ready to take the test on part two immediately, please take out your number-two fountain pen and tap the vein of your choice.
“As always, all tests must be written in blood and filed in triplicate.”