hospital parables

[ricepaper]

how calm i have grown in the tranquility and reduction of illness. i am one of those blessed deepest by loss. when the clamor of the city is stilled, when the ticking of clocks and the low electric hum of a household are silenced, when a hush falls upon the constant, varied music of birds and insects, when we neither speak nor are spoken to, we

Comments

[softanimal]

you are amazing, in every conceivable way.

how i wish i could see illness this way. when it abates, yes, i see the lesson, the gift hidden beneath; but when i'm in its throes, i can't find the blessing anywhere. it is only pain and fear and dizziness and difficulty thinking and depression and fever and fear, endless fear.

i am trying. reading buddhist thought helps. also, there is a book i just started called 'the alchemy of illness,' written by a woman with CFS; it is beautiful. she gives me hope (as do you).

you're right, though. there is something holy about lack, about being stripped down to breath and pulse and bone. something that nature knows, that illness forces us to remember.

xo.

[ricepaper]

"something that nature knows, that illness forces us to remember."
yes!

you know, it's normal to feel in pain and scared; we just need to try to prevent that from consuming our whole understanding, our whole experience. from what i know of you, i think that you are also amazing at living with your illness with Grace.

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[exterra]

you said the things i was thinking, softanimal, yes.. especially the first 3 sentences.

[ricepaper]

you know, quite a lot of this was inspired by our exchange. it made me want to define exactly what my experience with illness is. i also thought a lot about hope and realized that i hope less that "things" will change (although i hope that too, without expectation), but more that i will change, become newly focused sunward, to return to my (perhaps poor) analogy. :) also, discovering our mortality is a scary thing, so we needn't feel badly about being frightened, and i think even the humbling experience of this fear can be useful.

[saysdances]

love

[ricepaper]

(love)

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[damnthedreams]

A friend of mine introduced me to your journal and I love your writing, so introspective yet set in the now...I hope you don't mind if I add you.

Sam

[ricepaper]

it's nice to meet you, sam.
for the record, anyone can add or subtract me for any reason. :)
but thankyou for your courtesy.

[damnthedreams]

I think it's polite to introduce oneself if you are adding someone, and I just wanted to let my presence be known.

A pleasure :)

[avatraxiom]

Poignant. Slightly worrisome, though, once again. :-)

-Max

[ricepaper]

don't be worried. everything is happening as it must happen. also, i'm still doing everything i can to help my poor, sick body. :) the most recent diagnostic forerunner is something treatable, though i've been told to expect treatment to last at least a year, and that i may get worse before i get better. ofcourse, i'm not sure if that is the correct diagnosis, but it seems the most likely so far, and i'll give the treatment either a trial or full run (depending on test results) beginning in october. so perhaps, after all, i will be given the gift of health! or at least improved health. :) which will be an added joy. in any case, my spirits are high, so don't be too concerned. :)

[avatraxiom]

Okay, thank you for the reassurance! :-)

-Max

[mutable_earth]

[ i feel so unequal to the task of responding to your words, dear girl.

i care for you such a great deal. i wish i were not on the other side of the planet. i would bring you tea. i would hold your hand. ]

xo.

[ricepaper]

thankyou, dear. just your wish makes me happy. :)

xo