I have realized, now that I am finally where I want to be, that I am not in control of everything. And yet my constant mantra is "I will make it happen." I guess, now that I've gotten what I want, it's about staying here. Maybe it's good that I know that looks and talent only make up half of what they're looking for. But I am doing it. I'm making ( Read more... )

Yesterday morning on my way to school I had some horrible attack of something. I got all hot and sweaty and thought I'd have to pull over to throw up. Afterwards I was utterly exhausted ( Read more... )

My big audition was successful. Quitting smoking must have worked. I also quit smoking before my cabaret and I guess that worked, too. Beta blockers are a miracle. I knew that I could never live up to my own expectations, but somehow I did, and for that I am so grateful. I am grateful for so many things. I wake up in the morning feeling such ( Read more... )

I may have had a paranormal experience last night. It was around 1:30 and I turned off my light to go to sleep. Then I heard what I thought was someone driving past the house with their radio up, but it didn't go away. It turned into a kind of strange screeching, sort of like an animal, or maybe like a door or doorknob squeaking. I sat up in bed ( Read more... )

I haven't updated in awhile. I get tired of talking about myself. I've been making a concerted effort to listen and not talk, and to listen instead of just waiting for my turn to speak (is that from Fight Club?) I guess there are some things that bear talking about. Adam died last week. I didn't get to know him as well as I would have liked, but he ( Read more... )

I feel so terribly trapped into this situation. How did I get here, with these people? How did I let these people permeate my life like this? I feel sick about it. I want things the way they were, when I didn't have to worry about these things. I miss my old life. Well, I guess I still have my old life, but I hate feeling like I'm walking around ( Read more... )

I'm trying to eat healthily. Or at least, eat when I'm hungry instead of having to stay within the scheduled time limits of when eating is allowed. I'm also trying to force myself to take one day a week off on the exercise, mostly because I know that I have exhausted my metabolism, that it is so tired. But even though I'm eating more normally than ( Read more... )

I think about packing up my little suitcase and heading to Austin. I like to think of what I would pack. This white sweater that I never take off, some of my ridiculous high heels and some of the tight knee length skirts that I find at Salvation Army that remind me of the 40s but are really from the 80s. I'd take my books about presidents and some ( Read more... )

I've become one of those girls who hates girls. When I go through a mental list of all the women I know, I can name maybe five who I might be able to enjoy spending time with (save my mother and sister.) I've always hated the stereotype that 'girls are just meaner' than boys, or what have you, that women are so catty and horrible to each other. It' ( Read more... )

Around this time every year I fall hopelessly in love with someone who will never love me back. Well, hopelessly in like. I realize it's a safety thing and that I'm probably forcing myself to develop these crushes just so I won't have to go out and think about actually settling down with someone, but I do it, and it's there, so there it is. I am ( Read more... )