I have these two rats, Glory and Funnybones, who remind me of a 75 year old woman and her 50-ish spinster daughter. Whenever I go into the room I keep them in, Glory looks all happy and curious sitting in the cage, but Funnybones's eyes turn into these suspicious slits and she pokes her nose through the bars and sniffs around like she doesn't ( Read more... )

Yesterday a cicada woke me up and, in my drowsy haze, I came up with an idea for a nature CD, along the lines of the Dude's "Song of the Whale." "Song of the Cicada," of course, would just be 78 minutes of the hellish sockcuckers. But the cover would have a picture of a cicada sitting right next to a guy's ear, and the guy would be screaming in ( Read more... )

These past two days have kicked some ass as far as bargains go. The H.L. Mencken biography, The Skeptic, which I was prepared to shell out $16 for at Borders? A QUARTER at the Goodwill ( Read more... )

I will kill Michael Moore, says Clint EastwoodASSKICKING SCHEDULE: I'm taking two distance learning classes this semester, so I only have to be at Garbagedump University an hour and a half a day ( Read more... )

Haha, Michael Moore decided to stop being a slob.

I got the Esquire Encyclopedia of 20th Century Men's Fashion. It's funny how everything went to hell in the late '60s. Double breasted denim blazers with big white plastic buttons? Ribbed, scoop-neck cardigans with belts?? Nylon paisley boxers with matching wifebeaters???

I found out a few days ago that I'm Norwegian. Like 25% Norwegian. You know what that makes me? A genetically superior Nordic superhuman. Fuck off, untermenschen ( Read more... )

I saw an ad for a t-shirt that said "DIE HIPSTERS." Too bad the guy in the ad was a hipster himself and "DIE HIPSTERS" was written in in some fancy slick font. A real "DIE HIPSTERS" shirt would have it written in those iron-on shirt letters from the '70s ( Read more... )

The dumbass petition guy came back later that night; I wasn't home, but my dad continued the tradition of closing the door on him. If he comes back again, I'm going to beat him half to death with his own clipboard and then piss on him as he's lying on the doorstep. That'll teach him to try to make a difference in his community ( Read more... )

I think my becoming-a-crotchety-old-man has reached DEFCON 3. My example is the guy who just knocked on my door and dragged me away from my very important business. He identified himself as "Raphael ( Read more... )

Today I needed gas, so I went to the only gas station I ever go to, Super Duper. That's it--not "Super Duper Gas Station" or anything, it's just called Super Duper. There was another guy getting gas, and he had his name on the back of his sweatshirt; it was like "Asplugh" or something. But for a few seconds it looked like it said "ass lunch ( Read more... )