FIC: A Lie Gets Halfway Around the School... for fullmoon_dreams (R) [Pt. 1 of 2]

[hexed_lupin]

Title: A Lie Gets Halfway Around the School Before the Truth Has a Chance to Get Its Pants On
Author: midnitemaraud_r
Recipient: fullmoon_dreams
Rating: R
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): *A bit of non-penetrative smut and the usual MWPP hijinx*
Word count: ~20,200
Summary: Remus' seventh year had commenced in the ordinary fashion, if anything about his life at Hogwarts could be accurately described as 'ordinary'. But when a potions incident leaves him up the proverbial creek, things quickly take a turn for the worse-or perhaps for the better, if Sirius has any say in the matter.
Notes: Many thanks, first to the mods, for their patience, and second to my beta, whymzycal, and my proofreaders, red_squared, gryffindorj and best_of_five who made this story that much better. Love you guys! Title inspired by the esteemed Winston Churchill. Louisa, I'm sorry you had to wait so long, but I hope you enjoy it! It was a lot of fun to write, so thanks for such an awesome and inspiring prompt! Happy Holidays! ♥

It started out as an ordinary Thursday, or so Remus thought. Although, when two of your best friends were the biggest troublemakers in the entire school and the third tended to eagerly follow whatever the other two were doing, 'ordinary' tended to take on a rather broad definition.

Today it meant that the castle was still standing, nobody had been rushed to the hospital wing with their knackers hanging from their ears, and they managed to avoid detention when Sirius transfigured Caspian McGillicutty into a phoenix during their Human Transfiguration lesson. Sure, Caspian had spontaneously combusted and was rushed to the hospital wing, but he didn't have knackers hanging from his ears. In fact, at the moment he had neither ears nor knackers, poor sod.

"Well, then," Professor McGonagall said, glaring at Sirius as she swept the remaining ashes into a small bowl with a curt wave of her wand, "I suppose we've had enough excitement for the day. For homework, I want you all to write two feet on the inherent dangers of human transfiguration and how to avoid incidents like today." Ignoring the collective groan from the class, she continued, "Mr Black and Mr Potter, you will each write four feet, with a particular focus on how and why Gamp's Law of Transfiguration specifically cautions against attempts at human transfiguration into highly magical objects and animals."

"But Professor, I didn't-"

"I'm fairly confident you did indeed, Mr Potter. Four feet, with appropriate footnotes and indices, on my desk Monday morning. Class dismissed." She picked up the bowl of ashes and left the classroom without another word.

James scowled and turned around to glare at Remus. Sirius whispered something to James, and when James started to complain, Sirius smacked him in the shoulder. Remus quickly glanced at Peter beside him. Peter was looking at him with an expression that clearly said 'this won't end well', and Remus ducked his head, taking a sudden interest in a bright turquoise feather that had settled next to his foot. He picked it up and admired it, ignoring the chatter around him. It was perfectly proportioned with a firm, smooth rachis, and he was about to put it in his bag when it was unceremoniously plucked from his hand.

"I'll need that back, Lupin," Lily Evans said, rubbing her head behind her ear with her other hand. "Bugger. I think I've got a bald spot. I'm going to kill Potter."

Remus smiled up at her. Oh, Prongs, why must you be such a bloody pillock? "Would have made a nice quill. You should keep it that colour when you put it back."

Lily wrinkled her nose. "A bit ostentatious, don't you think?"

"Nah," James said, walking over and flicking Remus on the forehead with his fingers.

"Ow." Did I say pillock? I meant tosser.

"Hush, you big girl. You're the one should be doing this bloody essay." James turned to Lily and smiled brightly. "You were a brilliant peacock, Evans, if I do say so myself."

"Don't flatter yourself, Potter, or didn't you realise that peacocks are male birds, you arse? I swear to God, if you buggered up anything changing me back ..."

"But peahens are so dull. You-you're far too vibrant. You have 'peacock' written all over you."

Lily glared at him. "The only benefit to partnering with you is that when it was my turn, I was going to transfigure you into a flobberworm. Only now I'm going to have to rethink that, because a flobberworm is far too good for the likes of you. And you," she added, pointing as Sirius came up behind James. "What the hell did you two do to poor Caspian? And why aren't you in detention for life?"

"Quidditch match Saturday," James said, shrugging. "Besides, I didn't do anything. It was your darling Lupin here who-"

"Oh, fine. Blame Remus for your immature antics."

Yeah, you tell him, Lily. Even if he is right.

"But-"

"What Prongs really wanted to say," Sirius interrupted, clapping his hand over James' mouth with one hand and holding James around the middle to secure his arms with the other, "is that McGillicutty had it coming. Ever since you went to Hogsmeade with him last weekend, he's been spouting off the most intriguing-"

Sirius winced as James stomped on his foot, and Remus had to cover his own mouth with his hand to keep from laughing out loud.

"I mean horrid. Yes, horrid tales. Nasty, ugly rumours, if you ask me," Sirius said, waggling his eyebrows. "Which of course you haven't," he added, seeing Lily's expression. "Really, Evans, I'd have thought you'd have more discerning taste in men since you keep turning Prongs down. At the very least, you should consider dating someone with better grammar and penmanship, because that poem McGillicutty wrote on the wall of the fourth floor boy's toilet?" Sirius shook his head and sighed. "If one could go so far as to call it poetry. Well, I suppose 'arse' and 'farce' do rhyme, but 'bountiful' and 'mouthful'? That's pretty questionable even if he had spelt them correctly."

Lily's face grew redder and redder until Remus feared she might spontaneously combust herself. The feather was squeezed tightly in her fist, bent and dishevelled and no longer perfect, and she kept opening and closing her mouth, gaping like a fish out of water. Remus reached out and tried to free the feather from her grip, but she whirled on him and he shied back, nearly falling out of his chair.

"Did- Is he-?"

Remus nodded and tried to look solemn as Lily flung the feather aside, pulled her wand from her pocket with such force that copper sparks shot from the tip, and stomped out the door, muttering, "I'm going to rip his bollocks off and shove them so far up his ...."

The moment she was out of earshot, Remus burst out laughing and covered his face with his hands. He was laughing so hard that he didn't even mind when James smacked him in the head. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and looked at Sirius, grinning madly. "Excellent execution, Mr Padfoot. Fifty points to Gryffindor."

Sirius grinned back and winked. "Of course, Mr Moony. Did you expect anything less?"

Remus' stomach did a little flip. Having a mad crush on your best friend had its ups and downs, but at the moment, everything was up. Maybe a little too up, he thought with a jolt. Thank Merlin for loose-fitting robes.

"Oi!" James said, interrupting the moment. "You'd better write that essay for me, Lupin."

Go away, Prongs. He turned to James, mustering an innocent expression. "How is it my fault McGonagall always suspects you? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, she's right, you know. Besides, you should be glad, considering it was revenge for Lily's honour and a sight better than your idea, I might add."

"What's wrong with hanging his knackers from his ears? You thought it was funny when we did it to Rosier," James said, indignant. "And Avery. And Wilkes. And Beedles." He sighed. "Fine, your idea was more original, happy now?"

"Quite, thanks."

"Then do my essay."

"Not even if you begged, on your knees, and promised to rub my feet every night for a year."

"But four feet! C'mon, Moony! I've a match this weekend and practice all afternoon tomorrow. Even if I write really big ... It's McGonagall. She won't have any of that. That only ever worked with Binns."

Remus shook his head. "Hard luck. I've a Prefects meeting tomorrow night."

"Hello? You don't think the bloody Head Boy has to be at that meeting? I begged Evans to reschedule it, but noooo. Honestly, what's the point of being Head Boy when I'm constantly overruled by the Head Girl?"

Whinge, whinge, whinge. No wonder you can't pull her.

Sirius snorted. "Begged her? In your dreams, Antler Boy. You've been sucking up to her all term trying to get on her good side. How's that been working for you so far?"

"I have not been sucking up to her! I mean, it's not like she's been unreasonable or anything. And she's complimented me twice, I'll have you know."

"'You're not as big a toe-rag as I thought' is hardly a compliment."

"She said it nicely! I'm telling you, she's warming up to me."

"Like breathing on a glacier. At this rate, it'll only take a few centuries before she starts to thaw," Sirius said. "Come on, let's go."

Remus stood up and tried to grab his bag, but James put his hand on Remus' shoulder.

"Wait. Remember that time last term when I took that detention for you? You owe me."

"Owe you? You got caught red-handed because you insisted on admiring our handiwork. It's not my fault I was smart enough to run when Wormy told us Filch was coming. Don't blame me for that one."

James crossed his arms and huffed. "I still think you and Sirius should bear the punishment together for this one, seeing as you were the grand architects of the plan."

Remus twitched. Me and Sirius. Alone together. For hours ... writing four bloody feet of essay with footnotes and indices. Bugger that!

"It's like breaking our code of honour," James added.

"We have a code of honour?" Peter asked.

James glared at Peter. "Oh, sure, now you speak up. Why haven't you said anything until now? And why aren't you taking my side?"

Peter looked at Remus, then back to James, and over to Sirius, who seemed to find the entire exchange amusing. "You're not yelling at Padfoot, and he didn't take your side either," Peter said.

"Because I already know he's on my side. Right, Padfoot?"

Remus glanced at Sirius, and his stomach did another flip when he realised that Sirius was watching him, one side of his mouth turned up in a half-grin.

James elbowed Sirius in the stomach. "I said, right, Padfoot?"

Sirius grimaced and rubbed his stomach. "Huh, er, sure, Prongsy. Whatever you say. I'm starving. Let's go eat lunch."

"But I'm talking here! And Moony hasn't agreed to do the honourable thing yet."

Sirius threw his arm around James' shoulder and steered him towards the classroom door. "Leave Moony and his questionable honour alone. I want food."

Remus stared after them. "What do you mean my questionable honour? My honour is impeccable!" Well, most of the time. Okay, at least half the time. He rolled his eyes, picked up Lily's discarded feather and stuffed it into his bag, and turned to Peter. "C'mon, Wormy, let's go. We can kill them later. I'm hungry, too."

"We should take the shortcut by Whimworthy's portrait and get there first. Better not let Prongs near the food unsupervised. If I were you, I wouldn't eat anything he's even looked at, either," Peter said.

Remus sighed. Who needs enemies? "Maybe I should just nick something from the kitchen and eat up in the dormitory instead."



"Oi, Moony," Sirius called, clapping Remus on the shoulder as he caught up to him on the way to the Quidditch pitch.

Remus whirled, startled, and sighed with relief. His nerves were completely shot.

"Tetchy little thing, aren't you? Where've you been hiding? We've barely seen you for two days, you haven't been to any meals except breakfast yesterday, and-" Sirius stopped walking and tugged Remus around by the arm to face him. "What's wrong with you? Are you ill? You're as pale as a ghost."

"M'fine," Remus said.

"And I'm the bloody Queen, mate. Moon's not until ..." Sirius paused for a moment and furrowed his brow. "Two weeks, or just about. So it's not that."

"I know when the moon is, thanks. I told you, I'm fine. Come on. We don't want to be late. Prongs'll kill us if we miss the match." And I don't need him narked at me over anything else right now. "Wormtail's already there."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "His Headship will keep. You look like death warmed over."

"Can always count on you to brighten my day." He shrugged Sirius' hand off his shoulder and resumed walking. I must really be in a foul mood to do that. Oh, god, I need sleeeeeeep.

"Moony! Hey, wait up." Sirius caught up and nudged him with his shoulder. "Christ, Prongs hasn't poisoned you, has he? He'd have told me if he was planning to."

Remus narrowed his eyes. "And would you have told me if he had?"

Sirius hesitated for the briefest of moments, and Remus snorted and picked up his pace.

"Would you stop? I would too tell you! You don't think I'd let him actually poison you, do you? We're mates. Now, if he was planning to poison Snivellus ..."

Remus sighed and kept walking. He really wasn't in the mood for this right now. By suppertime after that dratted transfiguration class the entire school had been buzzing with it: "Didya hear? Potter and Black tried to off McGillicutty. Potter's on a rampage because they botched it, and it was Lupin's fault. Wouldn't want to be him right now, the unlucky son of a bitch. No wonder he's not here. Best keep out of Potter's way." By the next morning, people were surprised to see Remus was still alive when he turned up for classes.

"C'mon, Moony. We're not going to poison anyone, no matter how badly they might deserve it. Bugger the rumours. You know they're shite. Besides, Prongs has hardly even hexed anyone this year, the boring sod. Trying to look good in front of Evans and all that rot, though I have to admit, Dumbledore was a sly old bastard, making him Head Boy. That's why I need you."

This was true. Not that James had completely gone over. He just made sure not to do anything while Evans was around. They still had their constant run-ins with Snape and Rosier and that lot, but with the exception of the Welcome Feast, which was tradition, James had clearly been lying low on the mischief and mayhem front. Maybe ...

He paused beside the stairs to the Quidditch stands, one hand on the banister. "He's still being a stroppy cow about McGonagall's essay."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Is that why you look like shite?"

Remus shrugged, and Sirius narrowed his eyes.

"When's the last time you slept, you git?"

Remus turned away and cleared his throat while muttering, "Wednesday."

Sirius poked him in the back with his finger. "Dumb arse."

"Dumb? You've lived with the same James Potter I have for more than six years. You don't think I know how he operates by now? I haven't slept in more than two days because I've been waiting for him to hex me in my sleep, and I haven't been to the Great Hall for meals because I don't want to give him the opportunity to poison my food. Happy now?" He started up the stairs.

"Noticed you took the map, too. Sounds to me like you need a guard dog. Wonder where you could find one of those."

Remus snorted and stopped mid-climb, looking over his shoulder. If only. "Yes, but I'd require one who wouldn't co-conspire with the intruders."

Sirius put his hand on his heart. "You wound me, Moony."

"I know you, Padfoot. Been living with you just as long. When's the last time you said no to Prongs about anything?"

Sirius gave him a long, level look. "You'd be surprised. Besides," he said, waving his hand in dismissal, "he's not actually going to kill you, you know. Probably just a wee bit of temporary maiming is all. You know his obsession with displaced bollocks. You'd think he was a bloody poof the way he goes on about that." He jogged up the stairs. "C'mon, let's go. I can hear Ramesh announcing the teams."

Remus watched him pass without replying, feeling a bit unnerved by the look Sirius had given him. He sighed deeply. Bloody poof, indeed. But Sirius did have a point. You should trust your mates, after all, and he did. Most of the time. He shook his head and followed Sirius up the stairs. Guard dog. Hmph.



If Sirius had said something to James, Remus didn't know and wasn't about to ask. They'd both turned in their essays to McGonagall Monday morning, though Remus suspected that Sirius had done most of James' for him, since James had ended up in the hospital wing after the match.

It had been one of the dirtiest games he'd ever seen, though quite exciting for all that. They'd lost their star Keeper half hour into the match and had to replace her with the reserve, Hannigan. James had flown like a madman, and it was down to him that they'd only been trailing by nine goals after two hours.

In the end, James had used both his skill and natural charm to distract, or more accurately, deride the Slytherin beaters, Yandle and Chilcott, and had taken a Bludger to the head-he'd skilfully evaded the other one-while Knightly, the Gryffindor Seeker, who it turned out had been flying with a dislocated shoulder, had snatched the Snitch from under Yandle's pointy nose to win the match.

It was just like James to literally take one for the team. Remus, feeling both guilty and proud of his friend, had taken Sirius aside while Madam Pomfrey was tending to an unconscious James, and offered to do the essay, but Sirius had brushed him aside and told him in no unnecessary terms to get some bloody sleep.

"You know she'll keep him here overnight, so it looks like you won't require my services after all."

He'd actually felt disappointed at that but had gone back to the common room, stayed at the victory party for exactly fifteen minutes, and then retired to the dormitory where he'd slept for sixteen hours straight.

He awoke slowly, feeling groggy, befuddled, knowing only that he needed to have a piss. He tried to slide his legs over the side of the bed, but there was something big and heavy weighing them down. He groped for his wand while he tried to dislodge his legs, but the lump merely shifted, farted loudly, and yawned with a high-pitched whine before settling itself more comfortably on his thigh.

Remus waved his hand in front of his wrinkled nose, abandoning his wand search and groping instead for the curtains.

"Merlin's balls, Padfoot. What the hell have you been eating? Ugh!" He waved the curtains, urging fresh air into the small, dark, enclosed space. He heard Peter snuffling in his sleep in the bed beside him. Once he could breathe without gagging, he let the curtain fall and sat up, laying his hand on the dog's scruffy back, smiling to himself.

It wasn't as though Padfoot had never slept in his bed before, but it was only ever the nights before and after the full moon, when he was weak and sore and exhausted, and Padfoot's warm weight was both invigorating and a comfort. His hand moved without volition, and he found himself stroking the soft fur, his fingers untangling a snarl in Padfoot's ruff.

Crap, he really needed to have a piss, but he didn't want to get out of bed. Remus sighed, gave the dog a final pat, and gently extricated his legs from beneath its bulk. Padfoot raised his head, and Remus whispered, "Go back to sleep, you dumb dog. I'm just going to the loo."

Padfoot growled softly, farted again, and Remus smacked him on the nose and jumped out of bed. "Sometimes I really hate you, you smelly bastard."


Now it was late November, the morning after the full moon, and he was in the hospital wing being tended by Madam Pomfrey. She made him drink the same vile potion she always did, and he grimaced as he handed the goblet back. He would never get used to its foul taste, but he had to admit that it worked. The acute pain in his joints eased to a dull ache almost immediately, and he sighed in relief, though he still felt uneasy. He had no clear memories from the transformation, only vague impressions, and none of those accounted for his current state

"Here," she said, handing him another goblet, this one with contents the colour of blood. Perhaps it was. He closed his eyes, tried not to breathe through his nose, and downed it as fast as he could. She took the goblet away and popped a peppermint humbug into his mouth. It didn't quite diminish the lingering aftertaste of the potions, but it helped. "I don't like the look of your shoulder. How on earth you managed to bite yourself there, I'll never know," she said, tutting and fussing as she went to work, dabbing the wounds with a thick cream.

"I'll have to bandage those. They're rather deep," she said, frowning. "I should really keep you here, but ..." She glanced over her shoulder toward the door to the main ward, which sat slightly ajar. He could have sworn she'd closed it. He blinked and settled in, trying to relax despite the stinging.

She sighed and pulled back the sheet, tsking as she took care of the scratches and bites on his legs, and after making him roll over, exclaiming once again over the cavernous puncture wound in his buttocks. After more than six years, there was no longer any sense of modesty involved, though he was glad to be facing away from her.

"You'll need to apply this every four hours," she said when she was finished, holding up a jar as she handed him a clean robe. "Stop in tomorrow before breakfast, please. I'll want to have a look at that shoulder, and your ..." Her gaze lowered briefly to his thigh area, and she looked up and met his eyes with a frown. "It's going to be uncomfortable sitting for a few days, and you may have some scarring."

"That's all right. It's not as if anyone is going to see it. Except you," he added, wincing as he rolled over and sat up, setting his legs on the floor.

She made that tsking sound again and shook her head. "I suppose that's true. Now hurry and get dressed. I want you to get some rest. Should I have a house-elf bring you some food?"

He smiled gratefully at her as he rose from the bed, careful not to put too much weight on his left side, and carefully slipped the robe over his head. "Maybe a pot of tea, but I'm not hungry just now."

"That's fine, dear. I'm sure your friends will bring you food later. I am a bit concerned about that injury to your buttocks, though. I'll want to have a look round that shack before next month to see what caused it. You are staying for the holidays, aren't you?" she asked holding out the jar.

He took the proffered jar and tucked it into his pocket. "Yes, I am. But no need for you to go out there again. I can have a look myself. You'll be far too busy, I expect, and it's really no trouble." No trouble because the offending object likely didn't come from the shack. Where the hell did we go last night? He had a sudden vivid image of a herd of Centaurs and their formidable bows, and rubbed the bridge of his nose, grimacing.

"All right then. Just don't forget. Do you need more bandages?"

"No, Madam Pomfrey, thank you. I've plenty up in the dormitory."

"Will you be- Oh, Mr Black. You do have an uncanny sense of timing," she said with a wink as Sirius pushed open the door.

"It's part of my charm," Sirius said, winking back.

Remus could have sworn he saw her blush. Oh, dear god.

"Please escort Mr Lupin back to your dormitory, if you please."

"My pleasure, Poppy, dear," Sirius said, smiling brightly at her as he slid his arm around Remus' back and under his shoulder to support him. "Let's go, you big galoot. How can someone as scrawny as you weigh so much?"

Remus rolled his eyes. He's insufferable the way he gets away with things. Uncanny timing, indeed. He was standing outside the door under the cloak the whole time. He probably opened it so he could hear everything.

"Must you flirt with all the women?" Remus said, leaning heavily on Sirius as he limped out the door into the third floor corridor.

"Of course," Sirius replied. "It would be rude not to."

"You have a rather warped sense of propriety."

"Are you jealous? I can't help it if older women find me charming. Hey, Moony, you alright walking? You're limping pretty badly," Sirius said, biting his lip.

"Why? Are you offering to carry me?" Merlin, why don't I just bat my damn eyelashes while I'm at it.

"I might if I knew you weren't so bloody stubborn."

Remus was too tired to argue. The pain was manageable, and having Sirius close like this was enough of a distraction.

Since it was Saturday after breakfast, they didn't have to worry about students moving to and from classes, and the Third Floor corridors were empty. Sirius led him away from the main stairs, down through the Charms corridor. The torches lining the walls sprang to life as they limped past, and they ducked through a large wooden door, though a darker, narrow corridor to a rarely-used staircase.

He glared balefully at the staircase. There was a reason it had long ago fallen into disuse; it was riddled with trick steps. They used it rather more frequently as it suited their needs-for privacy post-moon as well as for various acts of mischief over the years. It was difficult after a particularly bad moon, but Remus usually managed by shimmying up the banister in worst-case circumstances. With his current indisposition, however, there was no way he could navigate the leap of four steps in a row, and the mere thought of flinging his leg over the rail made him shudder.

"I'm not a bloody fairy tale princess," he muttered, leaning heavily on the banister and trying to banish the image of Sirius carrying him in his arms.

Sirius looked him up and down, the hint of a smile on his lips. "Clearly. What has that got to do with anything?"

"I-" Remus sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Never mind." He shifted his weight and grimaced. "Give me a minute, all right? And while we're waiting, what the devil happened last night?" he asked, lowering his voice. The landing was deserted, but the portraits loved gossip. He supposed he might too if he was forever stuck inside a frame. Not all that much else to do, was there?

Sirius opened his mouth to speak and closed it abruptly, shifting his weight. He doesn't want to tell me. Damn, it must be bad.

"Oh, god, it was the Centaurs, wasn't it? What did I do? Did I-" he trailed off, unable to finish the sentence, feeling suddenly hollow. He gripped the banister tightly, knuckles turning even whiter if that were possible.

"You didn't do anything!" Sirius whispered in a rather harsh tone, and grabbed Remus' arm roughly. "I know what you're thinking, and you know we'd never let you do anything like that, and anyway, it wasn't your fault."

"What wasn't my fault?" Remus said, alarmed, forgetting to whisper.

"Can't this wait 'til we get back to the dorm?" Sirius asked, clearly exasperated.

He knew he should wait, but he was bone-tired, his nerves were frayed, and his arse was really starting to throb from all the movement. He set his jaw and glared. "No."

"Oh, for ..." Sirius glanced around quickly, more out of habit than necessity, Remus thought- though Sirius did glare at the portrait of the exiled Countess Theodosia, who seemed to be leaning forward in her frame-took his wand from his pocket and muttered "Muffliato."

"Look," Sirius said, "It wasn't anything, really. We had a grand old time as usual. We were up on the other side of the forest, by that hill with the henge. You know, the one just before the peat bog?" Remus nodded, and Sirius continued. "Had to steer you back from the bog, like always. Don't know why you're so eager to go there. It's frozen over already. Bloody Scottish winter. Anyway," Sirius rubbed his eyes, his shoulders slumping with his own fatigue-he hadn't yet slept either-and then massaged his right shoulder somewhat ruefully, "That wasn't it. It was when we got back. We were almost to the shack when some drunken bugger came staggering down the road from Hogsmeade."

"Oh, fuck," Remus said, the back of his neck prickling. His hands were clammy, and he felt his gorge rise. He swallowed thickly. "What-"

"I'm getting to that, aren't I?" Sirius said irritably. "The moon had almost set-we timed it pretty well, actually-but, not enough. You smelt him immediately, of course, and if the wind hadn't been coming from the north, you probably would have sooner, so that was lucky.

"Peter scampered off to keep an eye on the old bugger, while Prongs and I ... Well, nothing happened. We stopped you. You fought us something fierce, though, and, well ..." Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "They're a bit pointy, you know."

"Prongs poked me in the arse with his-his prongs?" Remus asked, incredulous.

"I don't quite know that I'd use the word 'poked'. More like impaled, really. I wrestled you down and bit your shoulder," Sirius added, and Remus narrowed his eyes. Sirius sounded a bit too pleased with himself about that.

"You should have seen it, Moony! Granted, you're never docile, but we've never had to restrain you like that before. It was exciting, really. You were a beast!"

"Of course I was a beast, you bloody idiot! I'm a werewolf, for fuck's sake!"

"Would you keep your voice down?"

"Why? Is your charmwork that shoddy?" Remus said irritably.

Sirius huffed. "Nothing happened!"

"What do you mean, nothing happened? I've got a fucking gash in my arse the size of Valles Marineris, and worse, not only did someone see us, but I nearly ate him!"

"But you didn't, did you? I told you, we'd never let you hurt anyone, and we didn't. It worked perfectly, just like we always said it would. We held you down long enough for you to change, and then we just carried you inside. After we stopped you bleeding to death, of course."

"But ..." Remus gestured helplessly, still gripping the banister with one hand. "What if he tells someone what he saw?"

Sirius waved his hand in dismissal. "He's just a local boozer, isn't he? Completely pissed even before breakfast. Nobody would believe him. But he won't tell anyone anything. Peter took care of that, too. Hard to talk about something if you can't remember it." He said this last with a pleased tone, and Remus closed his eyes briefly, shaking his head. He opened them wide when Sirius put his arm around Remus' shoulder, mindful of his injuries, and leaned close. "I'll always protect you, yeah?"

Glad the corridor was dark, Remus swallowed and took a deep breath. He should probably feel guilty, and maybe he would later, but right now the temporary adrenaline in his system was giving way to warmth that spread from his belly outward. He was sure his face was flushed, and he sagged against Sirius' side, turning his face towards Sirius' neck. "Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah, all right." Merlin, I hope ... No, I have to trust them. Peter's really good with Charms. Oh, damn. Even after being a dog all night, Sirius still smells good. It's criminal.

"It's more like Cheddar Gorge than Valles Marineris, by the way."

Remus jerked back and raised his eyebrows. "Ogling my arse, were you?" Not that I'd mind. Wouldn't mind if you wanted to touch it either, and for fuck's sake, Lupin, is now really the time for this? Ugh.

Sirius chuckled against his ear, and he suppressed a shiver. "It's a pretty wicked gash. I told you we had to stop you bleeding to death, didn't I? Prongs wanted to take photos, but we didn't have a camera. You might want to avoid him in the showers and lock the door while you're changing until that heals, yeah?"

Remus groaned. "Perverts, the lot of you."

"There's nothing perverted about wanting to photograph your friend's arse," Sirius said, dropping his arm and cancelling the muffling charm.

"Prongs tell you that?"

"Of course." Sirius grinned and gestured at the stairs. "All right, up you go." Before Remus could respond, Sirius pointed his wand at him. "Wingardium Leviosa."

Remus rose in the air and screeched, his hand still clinging to the banister. He kicked at the air and flailed with his other hand, groaning as the movement sent a stab of pain to his shoulder. "Put me down!"

"You can't manage it yourself, you stubborn arse, and I can't carry you and hop over all the steps. Let go, already, will you? I'm not going to drop you."

"Famous last words. You dropped Peter on his arse and he fell down four flights on the girl's staircase." Well, more like he slid down. I suppose it could have been worse. He could have missed the stairs entirely.

"That was third year, Moony. Besides, I was distracted. Wait. Don't let go yet." Sirius jumped over the first set of trick steps and turned back, pointing his wand at Remus. "Okay, let go now."

Remus glared at him but complied, and Sirius floated him up the staircase. "This is so undignified," he muttered.

"At least you're not upside down," Sirius said, setting Remus down atop the landing. "Get on," he said, turning around.

"Get on what?"

"My back, your arse. I'm knackered, and at this rate, it'll take half hour to get back to the tower."

Remus wanted to protest, but seeing Sirius hunched over like that was too inviting to pass up. It was painful wrapping his legs around Sirius' waist, but he bit the inside of his cheek, and circled his arms around Sirius' neck, careful not to choke him. Tempting, really. Well, maybe not now. I can choke him later after I've slept for a few days. Remus yawned and leant against Sirius' back, mindful of Sirius' hands supporting his thighs. I could get used to this, he thought, a sleepy smile on his face as he closed his eyes and nuzzled against Sirius' neck.

He was jarred awake by a high-pitched giggle.

"You're a naughty boy, Sirius Black," the Fat Lady said as she swung open to reveal the entrance to Gryffindor Tower.

"You love it, my Lady. Down you go, Moony. I can't carry you through," Sirius said, and Remus reluctantly slid off his back. He was a little annoyed with himself. Finally wrapped around Sirius like a boa constrictor, and you go and fall asleep. No wonder you have no sex life to speak of, you pathetic sod.

"Flirting with portraits now, are we?" Remus asked.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Have to keep her on our good side, don't we? Ah, Moony, that was quite the exciting journey, wouldn't you say?" he added, glancing at Remus and quirking his lip in a teasing smile.

"I don't know that exciting would be the word for it, since I was asleep for most of it," Remus said, ducking through the portrait hole and nearly losing his balance, then steadying himself on the wall.

"Oh, I'd say you were very excited. Must have been a rather uplifting dream you were having."

"Uplift-?" He froze, utterly mortified, and rested his blazing cheek against the stone wall. Why does the floor never open up and swallow me when I actually want it to?

Sirius laughed. "Well, at least I knew you were all right. If you were that bad off, you'd never have the horn for anything, would you?"

Trying to save his dignity, he brushed past Sirius-or tried to. So much for dignity when you have to limp away with a bright red face.

There were a lot of people in the common room sitting on the overstuffed sofas and chairs by the fire. It was a gloomy day, and he could hear the wind-driven sleet rattling the windows. Nobody wanted to be outside. A few heads lifted at their entrance, but Sirius, always the consummate actor, was prepared.

He caught up with Remus and slung his arm around once again, tutting like a mother hen. "You'd think after seven years you'd know where the trick steps were," he said rather too loudly. He turned towards a group of fourth years and grinned. "Sprained his ankle again. He's a bit cross, so you'd better stand clear. Don't want him taking house points in a temper, do we? C'mon, Moony."

Lovely. They already think I'm a clumsy idiot. Now I'm a bitter, clumsy idiot with a raging hard-on.

Still chuckling to himself, Sirius opened the door to the dormitory, and no sooner had Remus stepped inside when James jumped at him, camera in hand.

"Bugger off, Prongs," he muttered, limping over and collapsing face-first on his bed. Someone tugged at the bottom of his robes and he kicked out, ignoring the pain.

"Vicious thing, aren't you Moony. Come on. Just let me get once photo. For posterity." James sniggered, and Remus would have grimaced if his face wasn't smooshed into the blanket.

"I hope that wasn't an attempt at a pun. It was bloody awful." Remus tried to crawl away, but he didn't have the strength.

"Come away, Prongsy, and leave our little Moony alone. He'd had a rather hard time of it this morning."

Insufferable bastard!

"Besides, it's all bandaged up."

"We can re-bandage it," James said, and Remus heard someone rummaging through his nightstand drawer. "Aha! See? They're even the self-bandaging kind."

"You know, Prongs, someone might get the wrong idea as to why you're so obsessed with Moony's arse," Sirius said amidst a soft clatter of crockery.

"You wanted a photo, too!"

"Oi! Trying to sleep here!" Peter yelled. "Moony's arse can wait till suppertime, you bloody bum bandits." There was a loud bang, and Peter yelped.

"All right, Prongs. Leave Wormy alone and go to bed. If you're a very good boy, maybe Moony will let you gawp at his bum later. He's very good at rising to the occasion."

I hate you all.

"Hey-" James was cut-off-Sirius likely clapped his hand over James' mouth-and he heard them whispering softly just out of hearing range.

A few moments later, he was lifted bodily and plopped down onto his pillow-much better-and someone ruffled his hair. Sirius. The blanket was tugged out from under him and then Sirius leant down to tuck him in.

"You want some tea, Moony? It might perk you up a bit more."

"I want to die," he muttered into his pillow.

"What was that? Couldn't quite make that out," Sirius said. He plunked down on the bed and ruffled Remus' hair again. "You're fun when you're embarrassed. Go to sleep."

Remus grunted and felt him shift. Padfoot nosed him in the ear and licked him, slobbering, then sat on his head while he kneaded the blanket with his paws, and finally, with a loud dog-sigh, settled down by his side.



It had taken nearly a week to heal, but his arse was almost as good as new. He did have some scarring, but it felt all right; he wasn't in the habit of checking its appearance in the mirror. Prongs had even been slightly remorseful about the incident, which Remus took as the apology it was meant to be, though the whinging bastard did grumble a lot about his failed attempts at nude photography.

"Do you honestly think twenty years from now I'm going to regret not having a photograph of my arse? Face it, Prongs, you just wanted to admire your handiwork."

"Well, it was pretty ace. It's like a sign that says 'Prongs was here.'"

"You want people to know you were up my arse, do you?" Remus muttered.

Even more, it meant he was finally off the hook for the essay incident-eye for an eye and all that-and he breathed a sigh of relief as they headed into December and end-of-term exams.

"Must be post from my mum," James said as his owl, Excalibird, dropped a large satchel on his plate, landed on the table, and began pecking at his bacon rinds and toast. "Hallo, wee Callie-bird. What have you got for us today, then?" James used his wand to open the knots while the bird ignored him in favour of the food.

There were two small drawstring purses of coins which he tossed aside, a new wool jumper, two Quidditch magazines, four mince pies, a tin of all-weather broomstick polish, and a letter. James exclaimed over the magazine covers, then tore open the letter, grinning.

"Good news?" Sirius asked, taking a bite of sausage.

"Just Mum being Mum. Says she'll miss us, but she understands, it being our last year and all. Also said if we get caught burning down the school, she'll not bail us out of Azkaban." He turned to Remus and flicked a crust of toast at him, earning a glare from Callie who had been about to eat it herself. "Looks like you'll have company for Christmas after all."

Remus nodded, keeping his expression neutral despite the warm ember of happiness burning in the pit of his stomach. The December full moon fell on Christmas Day this year, and worse, it was the longest moon of the year at a whopping sixteen hours. He'd been dreading spending it alone, but he should have known.

Peter had been opening his own package, and Remus turned at his squeak of delight. "How's your mum?" he asked.

"Same as always," Peter said, folding the letter and putting it in his pocket. "Sends her regards." His family owl, Willoughby, chittered at him, nipped Peter's finger affectionately, and snatched a whole sausage from the platter before flying off in a flurry of wings.

Remus glanced at the contents of the package. "Potions ingredients?"

"Yeah. I ran out of salamander blood and hellebore, and I was low on most of the others. Good timing, since I'll probably need it later. Which potions you think we'll get stuck with today?"

"Dunno." Five to one says I'll bugger it up, so it's not as if it matters. He'd scraped an Exceeds Expectations on his O.W.L.s, and Sirius had coaxed him into continuing on for his N.E.W.T. with the rest of them. He was competent with the theory aspects, but for some reason, he was simply an abysmal potion-maker. He couldn't cook, either, but neither could Sirius, and he was very good at potions. Remus pushed aside thoughts of all the things Sirius was good at. "I've plenty of kits. Mum always sends me extra. You could have borrowed."

"S'okay. I'd need my own eventually." He lowered his voice. "Besides, we wanted my mum to get us a particular ingredient since she wouldn't question me or wonder what it was really for. Slughorn only keeps it in his private cupboard, and he counts them, so he'd know if we nicked any. Hey, Prongs," he called, holding a small, frosty looking metal box concealed in his hand. "For the you-know-what."

"Excellent, Wormy! Make sure-"

"Don't worry. They're frozen."

"Good lad."

"The you-know-what?" Remus asked.

Peter looked around and leant in close, whispering, "The Meddling Mistletoe."

Remus paled. "Ashwinder eggs? Is that what that is? If those thaw before we use them ..." He looked at the box with trepidation.

"Oh ye of little faith," Peter said, carefully bundling up his package.

"Hmmm," Remus said, pouring himself a cup of tea. Though I suppose I'd trust him more with volatile substances than ... He turned his attention across the table.

Sirius, having finished his breakfast, had scooped up one of the purses and was jangling it on his palm. He stole a quick glance at James, who was busy cooing at Excalibird and skritching the feathers on her chest with his finger, and then peered inside, eyes widening. "Bloody hell, Mr Moneybags. I'd better get a damn good Christmas present this year."

"That one's yours, you git. Mum went to Gringotts for you, so my present had better be even more impressive."

Sirius grinned. "Oh, well then, you shall of course have my impressive and splendid presence at all times."

Remus choked on his tea and set down his cup, wiping his chin with the back of his hand. Peter snickered beside him, and James, who was busy retying the satchel, belatedly realised what Sirius had said. He side-eyed Sirius and then smacked him in the head. "You forgot humble, polite, and courteous."

Sirius shrugged. "So many adjectives, so little time," he said, stowing the purse in his pocket. He reached out to pet Excalibird, who was finishing up her own meal with her head half inside James' pumpkin juice. She jerked her head out of the glass and viciously pecked Sirius' finger before taking flight.

"Oi!" Sirius exclaimed, sucking on his finger, while James laughed. "She never does that."

"Good Excalibird," Remus said under his breath, echoing James, who was much less circumspect in his pronunciations.

"I guess she didn't like your pun," Peter said, lips twitching. He picked up his bag, patting it with a fiendish grin on his face, and climbed off the bench. He yawned, then patted his stomach and burped softly. "'Scuse me. I've got Divination, so I'll see you later."

Better hope his professor doesn't divine what's in his bag, Remus thought as James called out, "Later, Wormy," to his retreating back. James stretched his own arms, clasping them above his head and arching his back. "Ahhhh. I suppose we should get going as well. Not that I have anywhere to go right now."

"You could always go back to the dorm and polish your broomstick," Sirius said, rising from the bench.

Remus bit his lip and hid his face behind his teacup. Zing!

"Oh, yes! New polish," James exclaimed, gathering up his things. Remus looked askance; James really did love his broom. He gave them a mock salute and dashed from the hall. Oh, Prongs. Never change. Well, perhaps five or six things wouldn't hurt.

"You ready, Moony?" Sirius asked, shaking his head and shouldering his bag. Remus finished his tea and nodded, smiling to himself. Ancient Runes was his favourite class, not so much for the subject itself, but because it was the only class he had alone with Sirius. James always got the lion's share of Sirius' attention, and Remus didn't begrudge James that-not much, anyway-but he wouldn't trade those three hours each week for anything. Even better when Professor Bugge was feeling cross and assigned them hours of homework to do.

As they climbed the stairs to the fourth floor, Remus told him about Peter's acquisition. Sirius nodded and his eyes lit up, though his eyebrows furrowed after a bit. Remus couldn't blame him. From what he knew about it, there was no controlling Meddling Mistletoe once you unleashed it, so no guarantee that it wouldn't also ambush its makers. A disaster in the making. Why do I go along with these harebrained ideas? Oh, right, because I'm a freak who lacks a backbone. Okay, so I've contributed my own ideas, but only the really good ones. I also want to bugger my best mate, so I'm fucked regardless.

"Hey, Moony," Sirius said, as they walked down the chilly stone corridor to the classroom, ignoring the students rushing by them, "I was going to stay regardless, you know."

"Hmmm?"

Sirius lowered his voice and bent closer. "Christmas. Even if Mrs Potter wanted James home, I already put my name down to stay last week."

"Oh." Remus was rather taken aback and hoped he wasn't blushing, though he could probably use the torch light as an excuse if necessary. The chill of the stone seemed to dissipate, and he turned to Sirius, smiling a bit shyly. "Erm, thanks, Padfoot." You are a pitiful, randy coward. Can't even say thank you without stuttering.

Sirius grabbed Remus around the neck in a choke hold and tousled his hair as they walked into the classroom. "Ya big girl," he said with affection, just as Professor Bugge scolded, "Really, Mr Black! Please take your seats."



Christmas was in the air.

They hadn't yet put up the trees in the Great Hall, but the corridors were lined with garlands of pine and holly, the suits of armour were decked out in festive hats and the occasional ornament, and the portrait choir was in full swing, serenading all passers-by with a cacophony of badly sung carols. It wouldn't be so bad, Remus thought, if it weren't for the fact that the Squire of Bute had somehow managed to get his hands on a set of bagpipes. And even that might not be so terrible if the lot of them weren't half gone with drink, especially the Squire himself.

Where exactly do they get the alcohol? Does someone paint magical portraits of barmen and shopkeepers in their pubs and off licenses? Is there some hidden cupboard where they're kept? Perhaps they should paint a bank as well, because clearly those painted shops would do a thriving business. And come to think of it, where do they go to have a piss? Do portraits actually need to have a piss after they imbibe in painted food and drink? And what would happen to-?

Right. You do realise you're going mad, don't you? Who wonders about this shite?

He shook his head and left the Entry Hall, the discordant tones of "While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks" with its yowling bagpipe accompaniment fading as he and Peter descended the stairs to the dungeons, keeping an eye out for any Meddling Mistletoe. That stuff was dangerous, and he already regretted his involvement in the prank, because nothing short of a full-scale memory charm was going to relieve him of the image of Peeves snogging Rosier. With tongue.

They'd made five of the blasted things before losing the rest of the Ashwinder eggs in a conflagration that would have burnt down the Forbidden Forest had he not insisted on using fireproofing charms. Luckily, the only permanent damage had been the loss of an expensive silver cauldron, James' favourite shirt, and the collapse of the secret tunnel behind the tapestry depicting the Conflagration at Carrickfergus from the Great Leprechaun-Dwarf War of 1347. Oh, the irony.

His steps slowed as they reached the dungeon level. Potions. Usually, he did acceptably well-meaning that he tended to only cause a spectacular explosion every fortnight or so, and he hadn't melted a cauldron since the second week of September, which might just be a record. If anything, his malfeasance had had one clear benefit: the current seventh form potion students were masterfully adept at casting powerful Shield and Vanishing Charms, to the delight of Professor Flitwick. Professor Slughorn had also been given ample opportunity to showcase his mastery of antidotes, though owing to the former, it was usually Remus alone who required them.

At least nobody's died, he thought glumly as he considered dropping the class for the four-hundred and twenty-eighth time. It was hugely embarrassing. Though perhaps not nearly as embarrassing as that time in third year when James had vanished his-

"Chin up, Moony," Peter said, glancing at Remus' frowning countenance. "You haven't blown anything up all month."

Remus glared at him. "Thanks ever so much, Peter. You do know what that means now, don't you?"

"That was supposed to be a compliment."

"Oh? I suppose that means you'd be willing to partner with me today, does it?" Remus snapped.

Peter cleared his throat and stared straight ahead, not meeting Remus' eye. "It wasn't that big of a compliment."

In fact no one was willing to partner with him in potions anymore-except for Lily Evans. It was clearly out of pity, but then again, she seemed to possess an obsessive determination to turn him into a master potions brewer if she had to die trying. Since she was still very much alive, she evidently wasn't trying hard enough.

He dropped his bag, pulled out his stool and plopped himself onto it, putting his head down on the work surface. Lily had already fetched their cauldrons from the storage cupboard and was carefully arranging her ingredients. She nodded to him curtly but didn't greet him as she normally did.

"I should drop this class," he muttered, dragging himself into an upright position before remembering he'd dropped his bag on the floor and leaning down to retrieve it.

"Mmm," Lily said.

He turned to look at her, frowning. "Bad day?"

She continued laying out her tillandsia diaguitensis spikes. "You could say that, yes. Or you could say it was a dreadful day when I had the misfortune of being born into the same world as James Bloody Potter."

"Oh, god. What did he do now?"

"It wasn't just him though, was it, Remus Lupin?" She turned to look at him, her eyes blazing. "Meddling Mistletoe? Are you out of your mind?"

"You didn't- I mean, it didn't-" He was interrupted by a scuffle at the door, and Sirius' voice sounding both resigned and impatient.

"Oh, for-would you snap out of it already?"

He twisted on his stool, saw Sirius pushing James into the classroom and turned back, only to jerk around in surprise. James looked like he'd just been run over by a herd of stampeding Erumpents. His robes were dishevelled and singed in places, his eyes wide and glassy, and he was stumbling. He also had the biggest, most ridiculous grin on his face, like it was the best day of his life, and he was mumbling.

"... Evans ..."

Bloody hell. She's going to kill me. Only ... He watched Sirius manhandle James into his seat with a look of disgust on his face. He really does look happy, doesn't he? I'll never be that happy. Oh, cry more, you craven clot! And stop stalling. You'll have to face her eventually, won't you?

He took a deep breath and turned back to face Lily. She was now glaring at James, and not for the first time, he thought, If looks could kill .... He licked his lips and tried for humour. "It could have been worse, right? I mean, it could have been Rosier. Or Peeves. Merlin, even if I live to two hundred, I'm going to die with that image in my mind, aren't I?"

He saw her lips twitch-always a good sign. "C'mon, Lily. Was it that bad? I mean, look at him. He could single-handedly win the World Cup for England and he'd still never look that happy. Ecstatic, even. Euphoric. Over the moon. Rapturous."

"Yes, thank you, I know what happy means." She turned a gimlet eye on him, but her lip was still twitching.

He tilted his head and widened his eyes, a slight pout on his lips as he'd seen Sirius do every time he tried to convince Remus to do something he knew he shouldn't. After what felt like hours, but was really only a few seconds, her expression crumpled and she exhaled in a loud huff.

"Oh, all right. God, he really does look pitiful, doesn't he?" She shook her head. "He's really like that because of one stupid kiss with me?"

"You've no idea."

She exhaled sharply and turned back to her ingredient sorting. He breathed a sigh of relief and began unpacking his own potions kit as Professor Slughorn entered the classroom.

"Oh, ho!" he said, seeming even jollier than usual. "Meddling Mistletoe, is it? Quite impressive potion-making, if I do say so myself. In fact, I haven't seen such a vibrant batch since my own student days." He winked at Sirius and James-the latter of whom was still swooning, and Remus could have sworn there were sparkling red hearts vacillating from his pupils.

Professor Slughorn rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Right then, today, of course, we'll continue with our review. You're all doing splendidly so far, though Mr Higgins, your Everlasting Elixir could do with a bit more lasting. Next time try using a fresh rat spleen, if you would."

Professor Slughorn waved his wand, and the various assignments appeared on the blackboard. "Here are your assignments for today. Ms Evans, Mr Snape, please see me."

Remus shrugged and took out his potions book while Lily went up to Slughorn's desk. It wasn't that he didn't care, more that to him, all potions were the same: an accident waiting to happen.

Lily returned, sucked in her breath sharply, and looked at him with a gleam in her eye. "You'll never believe it! We pulled Veritaserum," she said, excitement evident in her voice.

"What? You're kidding, right?" Remus swallowed. They were supposed to be revising. They'd never made Veritaserum before. Veritaserum and Amortentia, along with several other controversial and highly dangerous potions, were generally restricted by the ministry for apprentice work only, though he knew the potions master had the authority to ignore these restrictions if he believed a student was both talented and trustworthy enough not to misuse such potions.

He took a shaky breath. "Snape, too?"

She nodded, frowning slightly for a moment before her grin returned.

Remus shuddered. I'll give him talented, but trustworthy? Is Slughorn out of his mind? Though he hasn't told anyone about me, has he? It's been nearly two years, and I haven't been expelled nor sent to Azkaban. And if anything, he does take his potions seriously, though not as seriously as Dark Arts. Defence my arse.

"Remus, are you okay? You look a bit ... peaked."

"Lily, I'm pants at this. You know I'm not good enough to make this by myself."

"Of course you are. You can both name and explain the properties of practically every ingredient in Professor Slughorn's cupboard. You recognise most of them by sight or smell. You scored well on your O.W.L.: it's just that you lack confidence in yourself. I know you can do this, and do it well. I've seen you."

He exhaled slowly. "Veritaserum, Lily."

She bit her lip and then brightened. "Tell you what. We'll make this one together, all right? But you can't just sit back and let me do all the work because you're nervous. I'll handle the runespoor eggs, okay?"

He exhaled upward into his fringe. "Yes, all right." He sneaked a glance over his shoulder at Sirius and James, and turned back to find Lily standing with her hands on her hips.

"Oh, no you don't, Lupin," she said, narrowing her eyes.

"What?"

"You're not filching any of it when we're done."

"Oh. You're joking, right? You think I want them anywhere near a truth potion?" he asked, incredulous.

She raised her eyebrows and sighed. "Fine. But I'm going to account for every drop, do you hear me?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said, putting on his dragonhide gloves and opening his book to the proper page while Lily went to fetch the ingredients not included in their personal potion kits.

She really thinks I'd ... Granted, it wasn't as though they hadn't already tried to make it themselves once, but two of the ingredients were only available with proper ministry approval or via the black market. Obtaining illegal ingredients from the black market was dodgy at best. The dealer might tell you he was selling you runespoor eggs, until you tried to use them and discovered they likely came from a garden snake and were merely charmed. You couldn't trust anyone at the Hogshead, not even to give you the proper time of day.

Lily returned, and he helped her sort the ingredients they'd need.

"I'm out of valerian root," Remus said, searching through his kit.

"Damn, I'm out, too," she said, holding up an empty packet with little more than crumbs inside. "I'll go see if Professor Slughorn will-"

"Oh, wait. I do have some," Remus said, finding a packet mixed in among the peppermint and porcupine quills. He opened the bag and sniffed them, wrinkling his nose. He took them out of the bag and sniffed them again. "They're all right. For a minute I thought they'd gone mouldy or something, but they smell all right."

"Good. Now we just need aconite, two pinches it says, and lacewing flies..."

Remus drew back at the mention of aconite. It wouldn't harm him unless he inhaled or ingested it, and even then it wouldn't do much more than give him a temporary bout of nausea in such small quantities, but it still made his skin itch if he touched it.

They set to work, and Remus was careful to focus his full attention on the process, ignoring Sirius' rude remarks to James, though it did make him smile when he called him a blithering, fanny-whipped, pathetic excuse for a wizard.

Lily added the runespoor eggs and stirred four times clockwise, two anticlockwise, and repeated it three times. She looked up at him and he nodded, carefully pouring out three ounces of tentacula venom and adding it to the brew. She stirred again, anticlockwise, and he waved his wand, uttering a binding spell. They adjusted the flame and set the timer for twenty-five minutes, breathing a sigh of relief and smiling at each other.

They set about cleaning up the table, and Lily took the tray of discarded ingredients to the bin, stopping to have a chat with one of her friends.

Haven't mucked up anything yet. Yet being the operative word, of course. Oh, shut up, Lupin. All you have to do is let it simmer for another twenty-five minutes, then let it sit covered for two days while it matures, reheat and strain it. How hard can that possibly be?

He sat down on his stool and stood up again, peering into the cauldron. It was an even more sickly green than it had been ten minutes ago. It would eventually thin and become transparent, only it looked as if it had thickened instead. It smelled ghastly, and he backed away from the fumes. Something gurgled, and he turned, frowning. It shouldn't be hot enough to boil, and in fact, it wasn't supposed to boil at all, yet there were clearly bubbles rising to the surface.

"Lily," he called, his voice apprehensive. He groped for his wand but it had rolled out of his reach, and he couldn't make himself take his eyes off the potion. I didn't bugger this one up, dammit.

"Just leave it alone, Remus," she said, pausing in her conversation with Ingrid to spare him a glance. "It's still got fifteen minutes-"

Vast quantities of thick steam were rising from the cauldron.

"-Oh, my god, what did you do?" Lily shrieked, and before she could take even a step in his direction, the potion exploded, dousing him with mucky green slime. Buggered doesn't even begin to cover it. Even my eyeballs itch. Don't move, just don't move.

He didn't have to look, even if it were possible at the moment. He knew the rest of the class, having been alerted by Lily's panicked shout-more notice than they usually had-were all standing with their wands out. He could hear the sounds of a dozen shield charms buzzing as they mingled with each other.

At least I haven't killed anyone, he thought, right before he fainted.



Part II