Experience has taught me that I just wasn't built to be happy in the way that most people are. Experience ha also taught me that the way most people are happy is flimsy, plastic, and fake. Being with Michelle has opened up my eyes to a lot of things. She makes me feel clean again and everytime I see her face this cardboard world around me falls ( Read more... )

We move in the dark with a
rhythm I didn't know I had
in me.
Eyes fixed in fire, arms that
hold, hands that explore
foreign territory, lips that kiss
everything. Teeth that bite
everything.
I am inside of joy at last
looking outward.

Passion tastes like sweat and fresh
strawberries.

~D

I can be a way with her that I've never really been allowed to be before. I can't explain it. Everything feels unreal and dream-like. And I love it. I never imagined my life could feel so completely good. Well, maybe I did imagine it. I never believed it could actually happen though.

So what do I do about this exactly? I never expected to find people whose presence I could tolerate, let alone people that I actually enjoyed being around or someone that I could really care about. It figures. What the hell happened to living like a monk for the first year? Still, I'm rushing into nothing. Life will happen as it happens. I'll just ( Read more... )

Busy lately. I've also been down with annual fall semester cold. Should have known that wouldn't change with the change of location. I don't know what the weather's like back home, but it's already starting to get damn cold here at night. I have joined the ub anime club to indulge in my geekitude on a weekly basis. Have also joined the go club. If ( Read more... )

This is why I make an effort to never speak in classes. You try discussing Hemingway with a class full of feminist idealogues and gay looking metrosexual boys with steam cleaned everything that look like they're made of porcelain. Shit. I raise my hand timidly and pray to a god I don't believe in that he doesn't pick me. So I'm the first one he ( Read more... )

Good day. Took a walk around the lake, finished up my last bukowski book for a while, a book of interviews and encounters from '66 to just before he died in '94. I don't care what anybody says about the man, he had soul, insight, and a clarity that's rare these days. His work has really made me question my own motivations and what I'm trying to ( Read more... )

Today was better. Am still lost in the immensity-one m or two?-of this place. I suppose that it's only when one is put in a position like this, of being an alien in an alien place, of being completely alone facing it all, that one can really get a clear picture their self. I spent the entire day on walkabout, because it takes a whole day here, ( Read more... )

I am alone. I should have waited another day or two to move in. I figured there'd be more transfer students here. Just me and an empty room. I've found myself crying periodically since last night. Helluva time for my emotions to kick back in. Never was known for my timing. Finally got the phone to work. Had to cut my talk with my father short ( Read more... )

How is it possible that I've lived here my entire life and never quite felt at home here, yet after only a few days in Buffalo I feel completely at ease, completely at home and more myself than I've been in a long time? What luck, what grace, that after all the mistakes and miss-steps, I've managed to make it through to the other side. I can ( Read more... )