I'm on the uncomfortable edge of being too smart for my own good (trust me kids, it don't take much) and shrinking into a wall-eyed state of catatonia from sheer social paranoia. The question is do I burn out more brain cells, more memories, more of the stuff that makes me who I am for the convenient numb dumb ignorant bliss that will ensue ( Read more... )

Slowly my head is getting into a more comfortable place. I've read a lot of studies on grief and apparently I am supposed to get angry with someone for dying, at some point. It's not happening. Instead I cherish what I have left, handling the people I love with extremely gentle words. They are worried but there is no need to be ( Read more... )

I don't accept this. The world is all fucked up now. Who knew how much of the atmosphere of my mind was swirling pictures of you?
The rest of these thoughts are not ready to be written yet. They're not at all eloquent (you always managed at least that much) and you're worth better than what I have left. Wasn't that always the case?

Farewell, Roger. I really love you. I'm so glad you knew it.

This entry is a little late. I tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago. More than a couple. I dunno. My shrink called it a "sincere attempt" and I think I know what happens after you die, now ( Read more... )

I was in the mental hospital for five days recently because I was so depressed I cried for 22 hours out of the 24 that make a day. At the time I did not want to go at all but my husband has been through so much that I was unsure how much more he could take before abandoning me like an unwanted kitten; regretfully but with the firm resolve that he ( Read more... )

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I believe in God. This is the first public outing that I know of. How sad.

Roger, darling, I will be in Texas from the 4th eve to the 7th something. I am fat and want to see you. Staying at Robert's. You know the way?

At least when I have to cut my losses I know how to handle a knife ( Read more... )

Just went out to smoke on my patio (cage) and saw a bird curled up, motionless on the ground. I picked it up and felt it's warmth, it's heart pounded against my hands. To get a closer look I raised it towards my face and opened my thumbs only to have it stand up and fly away.