Terrible Movie Play-by-Play: The 18 Year Old Virgin
It's past 2 A.M., I can't sleep, and Comedy Central, in the tradition of Up All Night from the USA network, is showing a soft-core porn comedy, The 18-Year Old Virgin. I will be providing off-color commentary.
Before I started this live blog, here's what's happened so far in the movie:
The 18-Year Old Virgin is the story of a girl, an easy 7.5 out of 10 depending on how the light hits her face, who's graduating from high school and wants to fuck the brains out of her high school crush (hereinafter Adonis). One problem, Adonis doesn't have sex with virgins, which she somehow still is. This is my first callin'-it--bullshit of the movie, and it's a double bullshit, so congratulations on rollin' out the brown carpet that fast, movie.
The Virgin's best friend comes up with the idea to get her screwed at a graduation party so that she can then get with Adonis, which to me is more vaginal trauma than a friend should suggest to a virgin in one night.
We already have one failed sexual encounter (aka Porn on the Fourth of July) with a boy who's had a crush on the Virgin since kindergarten (complete with an earlier dream sequence with edited down side boob dry humping,). Yes, this is the film's Ducky. He jerks it to get ready. Even though it's his longtime crush, and she's (unwillingly) throwing open the gates to Fortress Tuna, he somehow still needs a picture of a large assed woman to get him going. This does not sit well with the Virgin. The whole encounter is set to a metaphor of some jerk-offs failing to light a roman candle. Calling it right now, that firework thing will appear again later.
Now Virgin's friend, in a ridiculously edited down scene, shows her sex tips in a porno mag. The Virgin is now shaving her privates, while her friend looks for chicken cutlets to shove into the Virgin's bra to give the appearance she has big boobs, even though she has easy C-cups already.
Oh, by the by, there is a dying old man in the same house as a high school graduation party. That will probably come back later, horrifyingly. Table's set, let's see how far this dinner goes.
2:40 Beer pong, with the now chicken-cutlet booby'd/itchy shaved virgin watching. She is now going to a bedroom with a douche bag from her French class. Sex attempt 2 (aka The Cunt for the Red Cocktober) is imminent.
2:43 He is demanding oral sex before riding. Classy.
2:44 "It's a wild mushroom thing with veins." Writer of The 18-Year Old Virgin > Shakespeare.
2:45 She got high, and the penis, off-screen via P.O.V. shot, is speaking to her in a French accent. She is having a conversation... with the penis, Mr. Mushroom. Sex attempt 2 fails when d-bags girl walks in, you know, not when a penis started talking to her.
2:51 The Virgin was almost the class Valedictorian; I can now completely and shamefully identify with this character, minus the shaved pubus. God damn you, movie.
2:53 Sex attempt 3 (aka Easy Ride Her) with an "enlightened master sex hippie." That shouldn't be in quotes; they never say that in the movie; I'm just rolling with it.
2:55 They're naming their genitals. This whole tantric sex thing is stupid; it's all just sutras and bullshit. Sex attempt 3 almost fails when she names her vagina Joanie. Hippie goes back in though. She stops the encounter when hippie sex master says it will take him ten hours to insert her. Sex attempt 3 officially failed with a Cosmic Wimpout.
3:02 Impromptu sex attempt 4 (aka The Cum of All Fears), accidental walk in on G-G-B threeway. She joins. Awkwardness ensuses, not just for the character, but the editor who cut out probably 10 minutes of titties, dicks and butts to make that scene suitable for 3 A.M. on a tier 2 cable network. She won't do girls; guy plants his seed in another lady's garden. Sex attempt 4 fails as abruptly as it started.
3:05 Smash cut to sex attempt 5 (aka Stand and Deliver... Semen). She's whipping a man who is clearly not in high school. She's whipping him like a Nazi... a grammar Nazi. She is getting him off whipping him for failing to use proper grammar (I am not making this up), but she doesn't seem to noti... fuck it commercial.
3:11 Back from commercial... attempt 5 probably failed, because that would ruin the careful plot structure this movie has crafted. She's in a closet working herself over like she's digging for gold; someone starts filming it. She runs in shame. Ducky attempts to buy the tape... to "save" her.
3:12 Virgin's friend blames Ducky for her failing to have sex with close to half a dozen random ass people during the evening (more than 1/2 a dozen if you count the 3 way girls, which I don't).
3:15 Ducky, not Adonis, was actually the boy the Virgin kissed when she was 9 proclaiming "that boy will be my first". Cause nine year olds settle on hymen drillers at that age. Another slut (hereinafter: Another Slut) is using this opportunity to manipulate Ducky into making her "Model Citizen of the Year Award Winner". Commercial, thank God.
3:20 Never mind, Trojan vibrator commercial's on again. Reminds me to link my previous thoughts on the subject. These are my thoughts.
3:22 Sex attempt 6 (aka To Sir, with Sodomy)... with Adonis! He's only having sex with her to hide his previous sexual conquest. She bolts. Throws up in a toilet. Ducky is getting some from Another Slut... but probably not.
3:24 She's in the old man's room... No... No... No...
3:25 ...yeah, Sex attempt 7 (aka Suck Her Poonch), grandpa got dry-humper close, but no cigar. OH! Bill Clinton reference. 90's humor. Kill me. Please kill me.
3:26 Sex attempt 8 (aka Black Swallow), back with Adonis. Making out... the kiss doesn't work... she may start realizing... she does realize, it wasn't the same magic. Adonis just tells her he doesn't remember the kiss; her complete and utter defeat at this party is complete.
3:30 Adonis is actually gay. The "No Shit" meter just hit max, broke, and now there's mercury all over my room and brain.
3:31 White folks booty dancing... not sexy. Hell is an eternal 12th grade, white folk dance party.
3:32 She's losing her scholarship because she murdered an old man with sex. Psych! Dry humping old men brings them out of comas! She is praised for this.
3:35 OH! DUCKY SETUP! Another Slut gets caught on camera admitting to having sex with the principal to be Valedictorian. Virgin's now Valedictorian. Another Slut is totally... slutted. Is that even a verb? Fuck language.
3:36 Sex attempt number 9 (aka Battlestar Assalactica, fuck you, it's almost 4 in the morning)... now with Ducky. Fireworks stall... then they work! Nine tries in, celebration, we have de-hymening.
And that's the movie, which is immeidately followed by a COMMERCIAL FOR THE KIDS CHOICE AWARDS ON NICKELODEON! WHAT THE FUCK!
I'm out.
Peace be with you.
Before I started this live blog, here's what's happened so far in the movie:
The 18-Year Old Virgin is the story of a girl, an easy 7.5 out of 10 depending on how the light hits her face, who's graduating from high school and wants to fuck the brains out of her high school crush (hereinafter Adonis). One problem, Adonis doesn't have sex with virgins, which she somehow still is. This is my first callin'-it--bullshit of the movie, and it's a double bullshit, so congratulations on rollin' out the brown carpet that fast, movie.
The Virgin's best friend comes up with the idea to get her screwed at a graduation party so that she can then get with Adonis, which to me is more vaginal trauma than a friend should suggest to a virgin in one night.
We already have one failed sexual encounter (aka Porn on the Fourth of July) with a boy who's had a crush on the Virgin since kindergarten (complete with an earlier dream sequence with edited down side boob dry humping,). Yes, this is the film's Ducky. He jerks it to get ready. Even though it's his longtime crush, and she's (unwillingly) throwing open the gates to Fortress Tuna, he somehow still needs a picture of a large assed woman to get him going. This does not sit well with the Virgin. The whole encounter is set to a metaphor of some jerk-offs failing to light a roman candle. Calling it right now, that firework thing will appear again later.
Now Virgin's friend, in a ridiculously edited down scene, shows her sex tips in a porno mag. The Virgin is now shaving her privates, while her friend looks for chicken cutlets to shove into the Virgin's bra to give the appearance she has big boobs, even though she has easy C-cups already.
Oh, by the by, there is a dying old man in the same house as a high school graduation party. That will probably come back later, horrifyingly. Table's set, let's see how far this dinner goes.
2:40 Beer pong, with the now chicken-cutlet booby'd/itchy shaved virgin watching. She is now going to a bedroom with a douche bag from her French class. Sex attempt 2 (aka The Cunt for the Red Cocktober) is imminent.
2:43 He is demanding oral sex before riding. Classy.
2:44 "It's a wild mushroom thing with veins." Writer of The 18-Year Old Virgin > Shakespeare.
2:45 She got high, and the penis, off-screen via P.O.V. shot, is speaking to her in a French accent. She is having a conversation... with the penis, Mr. Mushroom. Sex attempt 2 fails when d-bags girl walks in, you know, not when a penis started talking to her.
2:51 The Virgin was almost the class Valedictorian; I can now completely and shamefully identify with this character, minus the shaved pubus. God damn you, movie.
2:53 Sex attempt 3 (aka Easy Ride Her) with an "enlightened master sex hippie." That shouldn't be in quotes; they never say that in the movie; I'm just rolling with it.
2:55 They're naming their genitals. This whole tantric sex thing is stupid; it's all just sutras and bullshit. Sex attempt 3 almost fails when she names her vagina Joanie. Hippie goes back in though. She stops the encounter when hippie sex master says it will take him ten hours to insert her. Sex attempt 3 officially failed with a Cosmic Wimpout.
3:02 Impromptu sex attempt 4 (aka The Cum of All Fears), accidental walk in on G-G-B threeway. She joins. Awkwardness ensuses, not just for the character, but the editor who cut out probably 10 minutes of titties, dicks and butts to make that scene suitable for 3 A.M. on a tier 2 cable network. She won't do girls; guy plants his seed in another lady's garden. Sex attempt 4 fails as abruptly as it started.
3:05 Smash cut to sex attempt 5 (aka Stand and Deliver... Semen). She's whipping a man who is clearly not in high school. She's whipping him like a Nazi... a grammar Nazi. She is getting him off whipping him for failing to use proper grammar (I am not making this up), but she doesn't seem to noti... fuck it commercial.
3:11 Back from commercial... attempt 5 probably failed, because that would ruin the careful plot structure this movie has crafted. She's in a closet working herself over like she's digging for gold; someone starts filming it. She runs in shame. Ducky attempts to buy the tape... to "save" her.
3:12 Virgin's friend blames Ducky for her failing to have sex with close to half a dozen random ass people during the evening (more than 1/2 a dozen if you count the 3 way girls, which I don't).
3:15 Ducky, not Adonis, was actually the boy the Virgin kissed when she was 9 proclaiming "that boy will be my first". Cause nine year olds settle on hymen drillers at that age. Another slut (hereinafter: Another Slut) is using this opportunity to manipulate Ducky into making her "Model Citizen of the Year Award Winner". Commercial, thank God.
3:20 Never mind, Trojan vibrator commercial's on again. Reminds me to link my previous thoughts on the subject. These are my thoughts.
3:22 Sex attempt 6 (aka To Sir, with Sodomy)... with Adonis! He's only having sex with her to hide his previous sexual conquest. She bolts. Throws up in a toilet. Ducky is getting some from Another Slut... but probably not.
3:24 She's in the old man's room... No... No... No...
3:25 ...yeah, Sex attempt 7 (aka Suck Her Poonch), grandpa got dry-humper close, but no cigar. OH! Bill Clinton reference. 90's humor. Kill me. Please kill me.
3:26 Sex attempt 8 (aka Black Swallow), back with Adonis. Making out... the kiss doesn't work... she may start realizing... she does realize, it wasn't the same magic. Adonis just tells her he doesn't remember the kiss; her complete and utter defeat at this party is complete.
3:30 Adonis is actually gay. The "No Shit" meter just hit max, broke, and now there's mercury all over my room and brain.
3:31 White folks booty dancing... not sexy. Hell is an eternal 12th grade, white folk dance party.
3:32 She's losing her scholarship because she murdered an old man with sex. Psych! Dry humping old men brings them out of comas! She is praised for this.
3:35 OH! DUCKY SETUP! Another Slut gets caught on camera admitting to having sex with the principal to be Valedictorian. Virgin's now Valedictorian. Another Slut is totally... slutted. Is that even a verb? Fuck language.
3:36 Sex attempt number 9 (aka Battlestar Assalactica, fuck you, it's almost 4 in the morning)... now with Ducky. Fireworks stall... then they work! Nine tries in, celebration, we have de-hymening.
And that's the movie, which is immeidately followed by a COMMERCIAL FOR THE KIDS CHOICE AWARDS ON NICKELODEON! WHAT THE FUCK!
I'm out.
Peace be with you.