How To: Hitch a Breeder - Step 11/15
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[ previous chapters ]
Step 11: Don’t Scare Him Away / Life Is Not a Flower Garden
You have one message on your voicemail. Play?
“Brian, hey, this is Justin. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry about missing our appointment the other day. I had… stuff to look after and- Anyway, um, if you want to finalize the designs before Denning comes in again next week, just give me a call. And, maybe I’ll see you some time? Yeah, uh, bye.”
Brian heard the water bottles tumble over in the fridge. He might have slammed the door a bit too hard.
The nerve of that guy. Unfuckingbelievable. Brian bet he was home snuggling up with Daphne at the moment, trying to forget everything that happened on his little gay adventure.
Well, Brian was going to forget all about it, too. Starting right this minute. He was sick of jerking off to a memory like some lonely-ass queen.
And what the fuck was that supposed to mean, maybe I’ll see you some time?
Justin wouldn’t see Brian. Not for another week.
But Brian saw Justin that night. Justin and his restrictedly visible Facebook profile.
+
Three days had gone by since Justin had left that voicemail.
He liked Brian. A lot. Even if he shouldn’t. Barely a week ago he promised mom to change, whispered it into her cold hand. Every day since then he had proved himself a liar with every thought of Brian.
They were going to move mom to the mental facility within the next days. There was no way around it now.
On his way home from the hospital, Justin decided to stop by Burger King and get twenty bucks’ worth of forgetting his shitty day.
Maybe… maybe it could still be alright. Maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad, being gay. God, his night with Brian had been amazing. It had felt right then, Justin had felt right for the first time in a long while. But since, nothing. Not a word from Brian, business or otherwise. At first he was grateful, he had to focus on not being gay anyway, but after some of the denial had lifted, he felt alone.
Had his lack of experience turned Brian off? Was Brian out there somewhere, fucking his way through gay Pittsburgh, laughing at Justin’s inadequacy? Did Brian like him, at all?
In a form of innocent trial, Justin had already assigned Brian to a potential place. Maybe Brian could be one of the few real things in his life, one of his ups. Some time over the last days, the thought had turned into a naïve wish.
Who knew, maybe mom would even approve. Some day.
At home he put the soggy bags on the counter and looked for his cell phone. Missed call? What the hell? Why didn’t he- Oh, right, he’d put his phone on silent.
He had one new voicemail.
+
“Oh, Christ,” Brian cursed and quickly changed to the other side of the road.
But he was followed. “Mister, uh, Kinney?”
Brian ignored her and walked on.
“Mr. Kinney!”
“What!” He halted abruptly.
She took a startled step backwards. Good. “I… I’m Daphne. I don’t know if you remember me, I was with-”
“I know who you are. What do you want?”
“I don’t know how to say this, but um,” she bit her lip, but then blurted, “What have you done to Justin?”
“What?”
“It’s just that… he doesn’t seem himself these days and I know it’s got something to do with you. Apparently, you’ve left some unsettling voicemail…? But he won’t tell me any details or backstory.”
“Of course he wouldn’t.” Brian felt the sneer as deep as in his bones. Yeah, he owned that fucking sneer. Him and maybe Jennifer Taylor.
“Look, I’m just… I’m worried about him, okay? He’s… I don’t know how much you know, but he really has a lot to deal with. Please don’t make it worse, okay? That’s all I’m saying.”
Brian didn’t even know where to start. He couldn’t believe this girl. “What the fuck are you talking about? I’m not the one who- I… What the fuck is your problem?!”
Daphne blinked at him. “Can you just tell me what happened? I just want to understand-”
“First, this isn’t any of your business. Second, I believe you’re about the last person I would discuss it with.”
“What? Why? I’m his best friend!” Her tone reminded Brian of Mikey. Creepy.
“His best friend?” Brian scoffed. “How nice. And I bet you’re his soul mate, too.”
Daphne gave him a weird look. “I, um, well, I wouldn’t go that far…”
“Whatever. I’m going.”
“Wait!”
Brian gnashed his teeth, but apparently, she didn’t hear it.
“Look, would you just tell me-”
“Where the fuck do you get off? Pretending to care about poor Justin’s feelings when at the same time you’re off cheating on him?”
Now that shut her up.
Not quite.
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah, I fucking saw you. So don’t stand here and tell me how much you care when you so obviously don’t.”
The look she gave him disturbed Brian. It was too intense. Finally, her eyes widened and she said, “Something really did happen between you two, didn’t it?”
Yeah, something.
+
<<
Deep breaths, Justin, he told himself. One voicemail from Brian and he was close to a panic attack. And he hadn’t even listened to it yet.
A couple more minutes, two more glasses of water, and Justin’s finger hovered over play. He pressed.
“Justin, I don’t know how you possibly could have missed this, but let me reiterate, I’m not someone who plays ridiculous games. We fucked and that’s that. Won’t happen again and don’t worry, I have no intention of upsetting your little straight world of bullshit. I’ll see you next week for the finalization. Cynthia will email you the time.”
He was a disappointment for mom and Brian didn’t want him. It was two simple truths, right there, but too much anyway.
With shaky fingers, Justin hung up and cried.
>>
+
“How ya doing, Vic?” Brian sat down in the rickety chair.
He’d been sitting at the diner for lunch earlier, not contemplating the whole Justin-Daphne-bullshit situation for the hundredth time, when Debbie sat down across from him. He didn’t really listen, what with all the not thinking about ridiculous shit, but managed to somehow nod at the right times, which it later turned out resulted in him having agreed to drive Deb to the hospital a couple of hours later.
Three days since his run-in with Daphne aka the-cheating-bitch-girlfriend and he still wasn’t any wiser.
“Marvellous,” Vic joked and waved his IV-stuck hand for effect.
Vic had always had the ability to make small talk come easily for all involved, so that’s what Brian did. Debbie came in after a while, still flushed from her visit to the nurses’ station in order to discuss the shit they call dinner around here, and Brian didn’t have to do much of the talking after that.
He left for a smoke and coffee, but somehow found himself on floor two a couple of minutes later. As soon as he realized it, he wanted to slip back in, but the elevator doors were already closing again.
“I remember you,” a young nurse greeted him, all smiles. “You brought back Mrs. Taylor’s scarf, didn’t you?”
Brian was disgusted by her cheeriness. She made him sound like a fucking boy scout.
“Oh, are you here to visit her? How lovely!”
Not. “No, I was just…”
“Oh, I’m sure she’d be delighted to see you. She doesn’t have many visitors.”
A minute later he was shoved into room 205.
“Have I lost something else?” Jennifer asked, blinking.
“Not that I know of,” Brian answered, foregoing the hello, as well. “What’s going on there?” He pointed at the daisies that looked way past their expiration date.
“I only throw them out when I get new ones.”
“I thought Ju- I thought your son always-”
“He usually brings me fresh daisies every Wednesday. He hasn’t been here in a couple of days.”
Brian looked at the big wall calendar. It was Saturday. “I see.” He watched as her expression changed to a strange grin.
“Ha,” she sneered. “I bet they told him not to come. I bet he’s one of them now. Sure, dump the old hag and abandon her. Dump her at some hospital, at some loony bin! Pah, of course!”
“You’re not in a loony bin.” Brian had no idea what else to say.
“Oh, but I will be! Soon!”
Brian hated Cheerbear nurse for doing this to him. “Yeah, so, I’ll be going then. I’m sure Justin will come to see you soon.”
“I doubt it. I’m sure he’s busy with his little artistry business or with that skank.”
Anger bubbled up inside Brian and he hurried to the door.
“He’s abandoned me, I know it.” Jennifer’s voice had lost all its mad force. “He’s abandoned me.” Brian thought he heard a concealed sob in there somewhere.
With one last look at the wilted flowers, he closed the door.
He spent another half an hour with Debbie and Vic and when they decided to head home, he told Debbie to meet him at the car in fifteen minutes.
Ten bucks lighter, he dropped the pathetic excuse for a white daisy bouquet off at the nurses’ station on floor two.
Cheerbear was happy to deliver them.
+
It was another couple of days later when Brian got to see Justin again. He’d had time to think more productively, fresh pot having put a nice perspective spin on some things the night before.
One and a half weeks had gone by since he’d slept with Justin. There had been Justin being a no-show, then his voicemail, then Brian’s slightly angrier voicemail in return, then there’d been Daphne on the street and Justin’s mom at the hospital. It had been a bit much to take in.
When Justin came in, he never once looked at Brian. He also looked like shit and something inside Brian twisted a little. It somewhat confirmed what Brian had come up with last night: that he might have gotten some things wrong.
They were going to hold the meeting in the conference room, with Ted and Jacob joining them.
“Justin, a word in my office?”
Justin seemed to blanch. He darted a quick look at Brian and nodded feebly.
Doors closed, Brian didn’t know where to start and wished he had some of the pot from last night. He wondered if Justin really felt that uncomfortable around him, for he kept pulling on his sleeves. He hated that thought.
He watched as Justin took a deep breath and opened his mouth. “Thanks for bringing flowers to her.”
Brian was caught off guard and decided to listen.
“She… I don’t know how exactly you… but um, I hope she didn’t bother you too much.”
Was this what made Justin so uncomfortable? The mother?
“What is her… I mean, what does she…?”
Fortunately, Justin was already nodding his understanding. “Schizoid paranoia.” He took a deep breath. “That’s what it’s called. It has been a long time coming, but only in the last couple of years did it get really intense.”
“And…” Fuck, how does one ask after these things? “You’re alright… and all?”
“I think so, yes.”
“And you’re okay with…” Brian motioned between them.
“With the fact that I’m probably gay?”
“Yeah, that.”
“I guess. Granted, I would have preferred this realization to happen with a guy who actually wants me for more than one fuck and who doesn’t find out about my completely fucked-up family situation by accident, but what can you do.”
Brian didn’t like the bitterness in Justin’s voice. Not at all. “Justin, I…” He stepped closer and watched as Justin wiped furiously at his eyes.
“God, I hate that I’m crying in front of you. I’m being a total twat.”
He wasn’t. Brian wanted to tell him even. Tell him that he was dealing with everything pretty well, actually, considering. Tell him that he was pretty amazing.
He had one more question, however. He took a couple of steps towards Justin. “Daphne. She’s not your girlfriend, is she?” Brian reached out and tilted Justin’s head up with two fingers.
Justin, eyes still wet, shook his head.
Brian nodded and kissed him, soft and unhurried.
[ Step 12 ]
[ previous chapters ]
Step 11: Don’t Scare Him Away / Life Is Not a Flower Garden
You have one message on your voicemail. Play?
“Brian, hey, this is Justin. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry about missing our appointment the other day. I had… stuff to look after and- Anyway, um, if you want to finalize the designs before Denning comes in again next week, just give me a call. And, maybe I’ll see you some time? Yeah, uh, bye.”
Brian heard the water bottles tumble over in the fridge. He might have slammed the door a bit too hard.
The nerve of that guy. Unfuckingbelievable. Brian bet he was home snuggling up with Daphne at the moment, trying to forget everything that happened on his little gay adventure.
Well, Brian was going to forget all about it, too. Starting right this minute. He was sick of jerking off to a memory like some lonely-ass queen.
And what the fuck was that supposed to mean, maybe I’ll see you some time?
Justin wouldn’t see Brian. Not for another week.
But Brian saw Justin that night. Justin and his restrictedly visible Facebook profile.
+
Three days had gone by since Justin had left that voicemail.
He liked Brian. A lot. Even if he shouldn’t. Barely a week ago he promised mom to change, whispered it into her cold hand. Every day since then he had proved himself a liar with every thought of Brian.
They were going to move mom to the mental facility within the next days. There was no way around it now.
On his way home from the hospital, Justin decided to stop by Burger King and get twenty bucks’ worth of forgetting his shitty day.
Maybe… maybe it could still be alright. Maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad, being gay. God, his night with Brian had been amazing. It had felt right then, Justin had felt right for the first time in a long while. But since, nothing. Not a word from Brian, business or otherwise. At first he was grateful, he had to focus on not being gay anyway, but after some of the denial had lifted, he felt alone.
Had his lack of experience turned Brian off? Was Brian out there somewhere, fucking his way through gay Pittsburgh, laughing at Justin’s inadequacy? Did Brian like him, at all?
In a form of innocent trial, Justin had already assigned Brian to a potential place. Maybe Brian could be one of the few real things in his life, one of his ups. Some time over the last days, the thought had turned into a naïve wish.
Who knew, maybe mom would even approve. Some day.
At home he put the soggy bags on the counter and looked for his cell phone. Missed call? What the hell? Why didn’t he- Oh, right, he’d put his phone on silent.
He had one new voicemail.
+
“Oh, Christ,” Brian cursed and quickly changed to the other side of the road.
But he was followed. “Mister, uh, Kinney?”
Brian ignored her and walked on.
“Mr. Kinney!”
“What!” He halted abruptly.
She took a startled step backwards. Good. “I… I’m Daphne. I don’t know if you remember me, I was with-”
“I know who you are. What do you want?”
“I don’t know how to say this, but um,” she bit her lip, but then blurted, “What have you done to Justin?”
“What?”
“It’s just that… he doesn’t seem himself these days and I know it’s got something to do with you. Apparently, you’ve left some unsettling voicemail…? But he won’t tell me any details or backstory.”
“Of course he wouldn’t.” Brian felt the sneer as deep as in his bones. Yeah, he owned that fucking sneer. Him and maybe Jennifer Taylor.
“Look, I’m just… I’m worried about him, okay? He’s… I don’t know how much you know, but he really has a lot to deal with. Please don’t make it worse, okay? That’s all I’m saying.”
Brian didn’t even know where to start. He couldn’t believe this girl. “What the fuck are you talking about? I’m not the one who- I… What the fuck is your problem?!”
Daphne blinked at him. “Can you just tell me what happened? I just want to understand-”
“First, this isn’t any of your business. Second, I believe you’re about the last person I would discuss it with.”
“What? Why? I’m his best friend!” Her tone reminded Brian of Mikey. Creepy.
“His best friend?” Brian scoffed. “How nice. And I bet you’re his soul mate, too.”
Daphne gave him a weird look. “I, um, well, I wouldn’t go that far…”
“Whatever. I’m going.”
“Wait!”
Brian gnashed his teeth, but apparently, she didn’t hear it.
“Look, would you just tell me-”
“Where the fuck do you get off? Pretending to care about poor Justin’s feelings when at the same time you’re off cheating on him?”
Now that shut her up.
Not quite.
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah, I fucking saw you. So don’t stand here and tell me how much you care when you so obviously don’t.”
The look she gave him disturbed Brian. It was too intense. Finally, her eyes widened and she said, “Something really did happen between you two, didn’t it?”
Yeah, something.
+
<<
Deep breaths, Justin, he told himself. One voicemail from Brian and he was close to a panic attack. And he hadn’t even listened to it yet.
A couple more minutes, two more glasses of water, and Justin’s finger hovered over play. He pressed.
“Justin, I don’t know how you possibly could have missed this, but let me reiterate, I’m not someone who plays ridiculous games. We fucked and that’s that. Won’t happen again and don’t worry, I have no intention of upsetting your little straight world of bullshit. I’ll see you next week for the finalization. Cynthia will email you the time.”
He was a disappointment for mom and Brian didn’t want him. It was two simple truths, right there, but too much anyway.
With shaky fingers, Justin hung up and cried.
>>
+
“How ya doing, Vic?” Brian sat down in the rickety chair.
He’d been sitting at the diner for lunch earlier, not contemplating the whole Justin-Daphne-bullshit situation for the hundredth time, when Debbie sat down across from him. He didn’t really listen, what with all the not thinking about ridiculous shit, but managed to somehow nod at the right times, which it later turned out resulted in him having agreed to drive Deb to the hospital a couple of hours later.
Three days since his run-in with Daphne aka the-cheating-bitch-girlfriend and he still wasn’t any wiser.
“Marvellous,” Vic joked and waved his IV-stuck hand for effect.
Vic had always had the ability to make small talk come easily for all involved, so that’s what Brian did. Debbie came in after a while, still flushed from her visit to the nurses’ station in order to discuss the shit they call dinner around here, and Brian didn’t have to do much of the talking after that.
He left for a smoke and coffee, but somehow found himself on floor two a couple of minutes later. As soon as he realized it, he wanted to slip back in, but the elevator doors were already closing again.
“I remember you,” a young nurse greeted him, all smiles. “You brought back Mrs. Taylor’s scarf, didn’t you?”
Brian was disgusted by her cheeriness. She made him sound like a fucking boy scout.
“Oh, are you here to visit her? How lovely!”
Not. “No, I was just…”
“Oh, I’m sure she’d be delighted to see you. She doesn’t have many visitors.”
A minute later he was shoved into room 205.
“Have I lost something else?” Jennifer asked, blinking.
“Not that I know of,” Brian answered, foregoing the hello, as well. “What’s going on there?” He pointed at the daisies that looked way past their expiration date.
“I only throw them out when I get new ones.”
“I thought Ju- I thought your son always-”
“He usually brings me fresh daisies every Wednesday. He hasn’t been here in a couple of days.”
Brian looked at the big wall calendar. It was Saturday. “I see.” He watched as her expression changed to a strange grin.
“Ha,” she sneered. “I bet they told him not to come. I bet he’s one of them now. Sure, dump the old hag and abandon her. Dump her at some hospital, at some loony bin! Pah, of course!”
“You’re not in a loony bin.” Brian had no idea what else to say.
“Oh, but I will be! Soon!”
Brian hated Cheerbear nurse for doing this to him. “Yeah, so, I’ll be going then. I’m sure Justin will come to see you soon.”
“I doubt it. I’m sure he’s busy with his little artistry business or with that skank.”
Anger bubbled up inside Brian and he hurried to the door.
“He’s abandoned me, I know it.” Jennifer’s voice had lost all its mad force. “He’s abandoned me.” Brian thought he heard a concealed sob in there somewhere.
With one last look at the wilted flowers, he closed the door.
He spent another half an hour with Debbie and Vic and when they decided to head home, he told Debbie to meet him at the car in fifteen minutes.
Ten bucks lighter, he dropped the pathetic excuse for a white daisy bouquet off at the nurses’ station on floor two.
Cheerbear was happy to deliver them.
+
It was another couple of days later when Brian got to see Justin again. He’d had time to think more productively, fresh pot having put a nice perspective spin on some things the night before.
One and a half weeks had gone by since he’d slept with Justin. There had been Justin being a no-show, then his voicemail, then Brian’s slightly angrier voicemail in return, then there’d been Daphne on the street and Justin’s mom at the hospital. It had been a bit much to take in.
When Justin came in, he never once looked at Brian. He also looked like shit and something inside Brian twisted a little. It somewhat confirmed what Brian had come up with last night: that he might have gotten some things wrong.
They were going to hold the meeting in the conference room, with Ted and Jacob joining them.
“Justin, a word in my office?”
Justin seemed to blanch. He darted a quick look at Brian and nodded feebly.
Doors closed, Brian didn’t know where to start and wished he had some of the pot from last night. He wondered if Justin really felt that uncomfortable around him, for he kept pulling on his sleeves. He hated that thought.
He watched as Justin took a deep breath and opened his mouth. “Thanks for bringing flowers to her.”
Brian was caught off guard and decided to listen.
“She… I don’t know how exactly you… but um, I hope she didn’t bother you too much.”
Was this what made Justin so uncomfortable? The mother?
“What is her… I mean, what does she…?”
Fortunately, Justin was already nodding his understanding. “Schizoid paranoia.” He took a deep breath. “That’s what it’s called. It has been a long time coming, but only in the last couple of years did it get really intense.”
“And…” Fuck, how does one ask after these things? “You’re alright… and all?”
“I think so, yes.”
“And you’re okay with…” Brian motioned between them.
“With the fact that I’m probably gay?”
“Yeah, that.”
“I guess. Granted, I would have preferred this realization to happen with a guy who actually wants me for more than one fuck and who doesn’t find out about my completely fucked-up family situation by accident, but what can you do.”
Brian didn’t like the bitterness in Justin’s voice. Not at all. “Justin, I…” He stepped closer and watched as Justin wiped furiously at his eyes.
“God, I hate that I’m crying in front of you. I’m being a total twat.”
He wasn’t. Brian wanted to tell him even. Tell him that he was dealing with everything pretty well, actually, considering. Tell him that he was pretty amazing.
He had one more question, however. He took a couple of steps towards Justin. “Daphne. She’s not your girlfriend, is she?” Brian reached out and tilted Justin’s head up with two fingers.
Justin, eyes still wet, shook his head.
Brian nodded and kissed him, soft and unhurried.
[ Step 12 ]