[One-shot] Fear - Part 5
[ Part 4]
The rest of the day went well. The members changed their clothes in their green room, Sho still a bit uneasy in front of his friend changed into the bathroom. None of them said anything about Sho; it wasn't like they ignored him or his trouble but they respected his private life. If Sho wanted them to know what was going on he would tell them.
When he exited the bathroom, ready to leave with Jun he heard Jun's manager last words "So you still have a meeting for an upcoming drama. I think the role is already yours since the novelist is a huge fan of yours, but after such a long hiatus you need to take an audition."
Jun didn't really care about what his manager was telling him, the disappointed look on Sho's face was more important to him. He tried to show him how much he wanted to go with him too, but work was work and they needed to make up for the hiatus, a lot of people depended on them.
Sho took his bag and exited the green room without a word or even a look towards Jun; the latter knew his boyfriend was angry. Quickly he grabbed Aiba's arm as he passed by his side to leave as well.
"Could you spend some times with Sho until my work is over, please?" Jun requested in a whisper. He didn't need to beg Aiba, the tall man was more than ready to spend some times with his friend. Aiba nodded once and raised his thumb.
The meeting had lasted only one hour but to MatsuJun it felt like an eternity. He rushed into the staircase, in a hurry to be with Sho again. Their little talk in the afternoon had showed Jun how much Sho had improved. He was still scared and shy but the older man did really his best to feel better and Jun was more than happy to live with his boyfriend again.
While he dug his hand in his pocket to find the keys Jun didn't expect to hear strange noises coming from the apartment.
"Stop moving Aiba-kun."
"But it will hurt, I know it!"
"Take a deep breath then."
"No Sho-chan! Please! Let's end this. You may be used to it but I am not."
Jun really cursed at himself for being so long to find his key.
"I don't see why you think I've already experienced such a thing. Now be a good boy and stop moving. I will count to three, you'll feel better after that, I swear."
Finally, the keys were found and Jun hurried to open the door and run into the living room.
"Ready? One...two..."
"IT HURTS!"
When Jun entered the living room he saw Sho and Aiba, sitting on the floor in the middle of the room; while Aiba cried Sho was picking some cotton wool and threw them into the nearby trashcan.
"What happened?" Jun asked a bit surprised at the scene.
"Aiba-kun cut his hand with a knife." Sho said casually as he put a band aid on Aiba's hand.
Aiba stood up right away and ignored Sho's words as he run towards Jun. "Papa! Mama had been mean with me!" He cried again.
Jun looked at Sho's reaction right away as he heard the 'mama' reference. They were used to this kind of nickname between the members, but since the accident Sho had trouble with female references and Jun was worried about his reaction.
However Sho didn't react at all, he kept picking stuff from the first aid kit and went into the bathroom to put it away.
As soon as Sho disappeared into the bathroom, Aiba's tears stopped and he smiled at Jun brightly. "Sho-chan is back."
Jun was taken aback "You did it deliberately?" he was surprised by Aiba's quick recover.
The tall man nodded proud of his acting skills. "Keep an eye on him though, because sometimes I caught him deeply thinking, but otherwise I think he's back to himself."
They fell silent when Sho came back. "Welcome home," Sho smiled softly at Jun before focusing on Masaki." You'll eat with us, Aiba-kun?"
Aiba shook his head. "Na! My mom ordered me to come at the family restaurant tonight; we're celebrating Arashi's return"
Once Aiba left, the both of them remained silent, Sho tidied the mess Aiba had made when he hurt himself earlier, and Jun just stood in the middle of the room, watching Sho's every movements.
Suddenly Sho stopped in his track and sighed before turning around and faced Jun. "Are you going to watch me the whole night?" he seemed embarrassed but Jun noticed the slight smile on his boyfriend's face.
"I'm sorry," Jun apologized as he gave Sho a helping hand. "It's just that you seem different."
The way Sho looked at him told Jun that he was in a bad situation. Would it be better for him to tell Sho how he really felt towards those changes or would it be a wrong thing to tell him the truth?
MatsuJun had always been honest with Sho so being frank wasn't a problem in itself, however Jun feared that telling Sho what bothered him would ruin all their efforts.
"Jun?" Sho called him "Why do you think I'm different? Is it in a bad way?" The questions in those two big eyes got the better of Jun.
"In a good way, I think." Jun started, he sat on the sofa and patted the spot near him, telling Sho silently to sit too. Once Sho was at his side, Jun grabbed Sho hand, again it pleased Jun to see that Sho didn't try to free himself from Jun's hold, but at the same time, such a quick recover was strange.
"Are you on pills or something like that?" Jun asked right away.
"No."
"Don't tell me you're using drugs?!" This time Jun used a reprimanding tone.
"What the- Jun I should ask you the same question." Sho stood up, surprised by Jun's behavior. "Why are you asking me that?"
"I'm sorry it's just that it's strange. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you're feeling better but I can't understand how you got better so quickly."
"I told you this already, right? I'm seeing a psychologist."
"Nonetheless, you can't be so different within a week. How many times did you go to see her?"
"Five times and I have another appointment tomorrow."
Jun stood up and paced up and down in front of Sho. "This isn't you. You seem like nothing happened and you also confessed to me earlier. You said you need me."
"And that's true." Sho crossed his arms upon his chest, Jun's steps made him dizzy and his questions started to make him angry.
"I don't doubt even a second about that fact," Jun stopped in his track and pointed at Sho. "But that's the problem. You're too reserved, too shy to admit it so bluntly."
"Well this is the new me, Jun. You will have to cope with it! She said that I could be a bit different from before because the rape had changed my way of seeing things."
"Ha!" Jun exclaimed, giving Sho a start. "You said it! Before, you couldn't even pronounce it."
"This is one of the first things she helped me with; accepting the fact that I've been raped." Sho explained calmly.
"And that's a good thing but how can you accept it so quickly?" Jun tried to calm down, being crazy wouldn't do anything good.
Sho sighed "I don't know, she's good and it's her work? I don't really care as long as I feel better."
"But..."
Sho had enough he burst into anger "I'm tired okay? I'm tired of being scared, of crying and thinking I'm the only one at fault! I want to feel better, to live again even though deeply inside I know it will be impossible. I want to live with you, I want everything back like before that bastard did what he did to me but I can't do it by myself that's why I told you I need you, you're the only one I can trust Jun." They fell silent for a moment, Jun being speechless while Sho tried to catch his breath. "The only one I can trust," he repeated softly, his eyes accusing "too bad you don't seem to think the same." Sho finally said, walking towards the piano.
"Sho..." Jun called weakly, he felt like an idiot after what Sho told him. He called his name a few times but the rapper seemed to ignore him. Instead of Sho's voice, the notes resonated into the living room as Sho hit the keys gracefully. Jun recognized the song from the very first note.
That song again.
The melody was calm and slow. Jun found it strange when the air stopped suddenly. He looked at Sho who was looking back at him, pain visible in his eyes.
When Sho resumed hitting the keys it was more agressive, more desperate.
Wake me up.
In a trance Jun sat on the couch and watched Sho playing the piano.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
The lyrics simply played in Jun's brain. He had never really known the song before and English was still a bit hard to understand for him but with the way Sho played the song, Jun simply felt the lyrics as if Sho was screaming them.
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
The last refrain resonated into the room, as if the last words repeated again and again. After a while, Jun came back to reality and he realized that none of them had spoken since the last note. Sho kept looking at him; Jun swore that Sho's eyes were screaming for help. Contrary to what Jun thoughts, Sho wasn't totally back to normal; there was still that small fear inside him.
Slowly Jun walked towards Sho and knelt in front of him, resting his head on Sho's knees. He closed his eyes as he felt Sho's hands caressing gently his hair. They stood in this position for a while, both of them enjoying that comfortable silence. Finally Jun lifted his head and faced Sho, "I'll do anything for you." he whispered, bringing their face closer.
"I'm sorry for being so selfish," Sho whispered before making a small movement to avoid Jun's touch but the younger man didn't stopped this time; he cupped Sho's face in his hands and softly he pressed their lips together. At first Sho struggled a bit, not feeling ready for this new step though Jun didn't let him go. Once he felt Sho's body relaxed, Jun stood up and helped Sho to do the same without breaking the contact. He grabbed Sho's wrists and put them on his shoulders before circling Sho's waist with his own arms; in attempt to bring their bodies closer. When he thought Sho was ready, Jun bite and licked Sho's lower lip, asking for access. It took time to Sho to give in but with a lot of patience Jun could finally taste Sho's mouth.
And it felt so good.
Being deprive of Sho's lips for so long made Jun realize how good it felt to kiss the one you loved and judging by the way Sho surrounded Jun's neck with his arms made Jun thought that he wasn't the only one thinking that.
Sho's scent, the flavor of his plump lips, the soft noises of pleasure he made in the kiss; everything was driving Jun crazy. One of his hands left Sho's waist and slid up his arms, giving Sho the chills, they took a step back then another and another, until Sho's back hit the wall next to the piano.
That was when Jun's lungs screamed that he needed air that he felt Sho's hands upon his chest and the warmth on his lips leaving.
"W-wait," Sho stuttered breathless, a slight tint of pink on his cheeks.
"I'm sorry," Jun apologized, resting his forehead on Sho's. "It's been so long since we were this close that I've been a bit carried away. Don't worry we won't go further." He tried to reassure.
Sho nodded and smiled shyly "I know."
And they kept their words for the night. They skipped dinner as they preferred to spend their time together in the bed, cuddling and kissing lovingly as the talked about anything. The night had been short but it was worth it.
The days passed and little by little Jun's doubts about Sho's recover disappeared with each new sign the older man made. His smiles weren't fake anymore; he didn't smile as much as he did before but at least when he did it was genuine. His laughter too, whenever Jun heard Sho's laugh the sound made his heart skip a beat and he laughed with him because an honest laugh was always infectious.
The following days went well; Sho became more and more honest with others and with himself. However one night, Jun did something unexpected.
They were both fast asleep after a hard day and the next morning they needed to wake up early so they both decided to sleep after the small talk that became a routine between them. In the middle of the night Jun woke up as he felt strange. He looked around in the room, everything was dark, the moonlight coming from the opened window gave a calm and fresh atmosphere. Sho was deeply sleeping, his back against him and that was the matter. What made Jun wake up was that soft contact against his groin and Sho was well-known for moving into his sleep. Until now Jun had made a great effort to ignore his needs, but no matter how much you love someone and how strong your will is, your body needs will always be stronger.
Carefully Jun left the bed, reaching silently the bathroom and after he had checked that Sho was still asleep he closed the door and run the water into the shower. He stripped quickly and went under the cold water.
Idiot.
Why now? Jun thought as his fingers curled around his aching cock. He felt ashamed as he pumped it quickly with the image of Sho in front of his eyes; damn it he could almost hear Sho's beautiful voice moaning his name as he came.
"Jun?"
Jun turned his head, breathless and tired; the cold water falling in front of his eyes didn't prevent him from seeing Sho at the door.
Fuck.
"Sh-Sho, look it's not what you think, I..." Jun stopped the water and grabbed the nearest towel. Sho didn't move or said anything; he just stood there, his sleepy eyes trying to focus.
"It's still early, we have two more hours before going to work," Sho said in a yawn. Could it be that he didn't see anything?
"Y-yeah sorry I couldn't sleep anymore." Jun said, a bit lost as he stepped out from the shower, the lower part of his body covered with the towel.
None of them went back to sleep that day but it took Sho two big cup of strong coffee to be totally awake. Jun decided that since Mother Luck was by his side there was no reason to talk about the incident with Sho. It would only scare him.
Despite what Jun thought, Sho had witnessed everything, and even if he was really half asleep that night, his smart brain understood everything perfectly. It was just that Sho preferred to ignore that incident. It was easier that way. And Jun realized one day that he was wrong.
[ Part 6]
The rest of the day went well. The members changed their clothes in their green room, Sho still a bit uneasy in front of his friend changed into the bathroom. None of them said anything about Sho; it wasn't like they ignored him or his trouble but they respected his private life. If Sho wanted them to know what was going on he would tell them.
When he exited the bathroom, ready to leave with Jun he heard Jun's manager last words "So you still have a meeting for an upcoming drama. I think the role is already yours since the novelist is a huge fan of yours, but after such a long hiatus you need to take an audition."
Jun didn't really care about what his manager was telling him, the disappointed look on Sho's face was more important to him. He tried to show him how much he wanted to go with him too, but work was work and they needed to make up for the hiatus, a lot of people depended on them.
Sho took his bag and exited the green room without a word or even a look towards Jun; the latter knew his boyfriend was angry. Quickly he grabbed Aiba's arm as he passed by his side to leave as well.
"Could you spend some times with Sho until my work is over, please?" Jun requested in a whisper. He didn't need to beg Aiba, the tall man was more than ready to spend some times with his friend. Aiba nodded once and raised his thumb.
The meeting had lasted only one hour but to MatsuJun it felt like an eternity. He rushed into the staircase, in a hurry to be with Sho again. Their little talk in the afternoon had showed Jun how much Sho had improved. He was still scared and shy but the older man did really his best to feel better and Jun was more than happy to live with his boyfriend again.
While he dug his hand in his pocket to find the keys Jun didn't expect to hear strange noises coming from the apartment.
"Stop moving Aiba-kun."
"But it will hurt, I know it!"
"Take a deep breath then."
"No Sho-chan! Please! Let's end this. You may be used to it but I am not."
Jun really cursed at himself for being so long to find his key.
"I don't see why you think I've already experienced such a thing. Now be a good boy and stop moving. I will count to three, you'll feel better after that, I swear."
Finally, the keys were found and Jun hurried to open the door and run into the living room.
"Ready? One...two..."
"IT HURTS!"
When Jun entered the living room he saw Sho and Aiba, sitting on the floor in the middle of the room; while Aiba cried Sho was picking some cotton wool and threw them into the nearby trashcan.
"What happened?" Jun asked a bit surprised at the scene.
"Aiba-kun cut his hand with a knife." Sho said casually as he put a band aid on Aiba's hand.
Aiba stood up right away and ignored Sho's words as he run towards Jun. "Papa! Mama had been mean with me!" He cried again.
Jun looked at Sho's reaction right away as he heard the 'mama' reference. They were used to this kind of nickname between the members, but since the accident Sho had trouble with female references and Jun was worried about his reaction.
However Sho didn't react at all, he kept picking stuff from the first aid kit and went into the bathroom to put it away.
As soon as Sho disappeared into the bathroom, Aiba's tears stopped and he smiled at Jun brightly. "Sho-chan is back."
Jun was taken aback "You did it deliberately?" he was surprised by Aiba's quick recover.
The tall man nodded proud of his acting skills. "Keep an eye on him though, because sometimes I caught him deeply thinking, but otherwise I think he's back to himself."
They fell silent when Sho came back. "Welcome home," Sho smiled softly at Jun before focusing on Masaki." You'll eat with us, Aiba-kun?"
Aiba shook his head. "Na! My mom ordered me to come at the family restaurant tonight; we're celebrating Arashi's return"
Once Aiba left, the both of them remained silent, Sho tidied the mess Aiba had made when he hurt himself earlier, and Jun just stood in the middle of the room, watching Sho's every movements.
Suddenly Sho stopped in his track and sighed before turning around and faced Jun. "Are you going to watch me the whole night?" he seemed embarrassed but Jun noticed the slight smile on his boyfriend's face.
"I'm sorry," Jun apologized as he gave Sho a helping hand. "It's just that you seem different."
The way Sho looked at him told Jun that he was in a bad situation. Would it be better for him to tell Sho how he really felt towards those changes or would it be a wrong thing to tell him the truth?
MatsuJun had always been honest with Sho so being frank wasn't a problem in itself, however Jun feared that telling Sho what bothered him would ruin all their efforts.
"Jun?" Sho called him "Why do you think I'm different? Is it in a bad way?" The questions in those two big eyes got the better of Jun.
"In a good way, I think." Jun started, he sat on the sofa and patted the spot near him, telling Sho silently to sit too. Once Sho was at his side, Jun grabbed Sho hand, again it pleased Jun to see that Sho didn't try to free himself from Jun's hold, but at the same time, such a quick recover was strange.
"Are you on pills or something like that?" Jun asked right away.
"No."
"Don't tell me you're using drugs?!" This time Jun used a reprimanding tone.
"What the- Jun I should ask you the same question." Sho stood up, surprised by Jun's behavior. "Why are you asking me that?"
"I'm sorry it's just that it's strange. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you're feeling better but I can't understand how you got better so quickly."
"I told you this already, right? I'm seeing a psychologist."
"Nonetheless, you can't be so different within a week. How many times did you go to see her?"
"Five times and I have another appointment tomorrow."
Jun stood up and paced up and down in front of Sho. "This isn't you. You seem like nothing happened and you also confessed to me earlier. You said you need me."
"And that's true." Sho crossed his arms upon his chest, Jun's steps made him dizzy and his questions started to make him angry.
"I don't doubt even a second about that fact," Jun stopped in his track and pointed at Sho. "But that's the problem. You're too reserved, too shy to admit it so bluntly."
"Well this is the new me, Jun. You will have to cope with it! She said that I could be a bit different from before because the rape had changed my way of seeing things."
"Ha!" Jun exclaimed, giving Sho a start. "You said it! Before, you couldn't even pronounce it."
"This is one of the first things she helped me with; accepting the fact that I've been raped." Sho explained calmly.
"And that's a good thing but how can you accept it so quickly?" Jun tried to calm down, being crazy wouldn't do anything good.
Sho sighed "I don't know, she's good and it's her work? I don't really care as long as I feel better."
"But..."
Sho had enough he burst into anger "I'm tired okay? I'm tired of being scared, of crying and thinking I'm the only one at fault! I want to feel better, to live again even though deeply inside I know it will be impossible. I want to live with you, I want everything back like before that bastard did what he did to me but I can't do it by myself that's why I told you I need you, you're the only one I can trust Jun." They fell silent for a moment, Jun being speechless while Sho tried to catch his breath. "The only one I can trust," he repeated softly, his eyes accusing "too bad you don't seem to think the same." Sho finally said, walking towards the piano.
"Sho..." Jun called weakly, he felt like an idiot after what Sho told him. He called his name a few times but the rapper seemed to ignore him. Instead of Sho's voice, the notes resonated into the living room as Sho hit the keys gracefully. Jun recognized the song from the very first note.
That song again.
The melody was calm and slow. Jun found it strange when the air stopped suddenly. He looked at Sho who was looking back at him, pain visible in his eyes.
When Sho resumed hitting the keys it was more agressive, more desperate.
Wake me up.
In a trance Jun sat on the couch and watched Sho playing the piano.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
The lyrics simply played in Jun's brain. He had never really known the song before and English was still a bit hard to understand for him but with the way Sho played the song, Jun simply felt the lyrics as if Sho was screaming them.
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
The last refrain resonated into the room, as if the last words repeated again and again. After a while, Jun came back to reality and he realized that none of them had spoken since the last note. Sho kept looking at him; Jun swore that Sho's eyes were screaming for help. Contrary to what Jun thoughts, Sho wasn't totally back to normal; there was still that small fear inside him.
Slowly Jun walked towards Sho and knelt in front of him, resting his head on Sho's knees. He closed his eyes as he felt Sho's hands caressing gently his hair. They stood in this position for a while, both of them enjoying that comfortable silence. Finally Jun lifted his head and faced Sho, "I'll do anything for you." he whispered, bringing their face closer.
"I'm sorry for being so selfish," Sho whispered before making a small movement to avoid Jun's touch but the younger man didn't stopped this time; he cupped Sho's face in his hands and softly he pressed their lips together. At first Sho struggled a bit, not feeling ready for this new step though Jun didn't let him go. Once he felt Sho's body relaxed, Jun stood up and helped Sho to do the same without breaking the contact. He grabbed Sho's wrists and put them on his shoulders before circling Sho's waist with his own arms; in attempt to bring their bodies closer. When he thought Sho was ready, Jun bite and licked Sho's lower lip, asking for access. It took time to Sho to give in but with a lot of patience Jun could finally taste Sho's mouth.
And it felt so good.
Being deprive of Sho's lips for so long made Jun realize how good it felt to kiss the one you loved and judging by the way Sho surrounded Jun's neck with his arms made Jun thought that he wasn't the only one thinking that.
Sho's scent, the flavor of his plump lips, the soft noises of pleasure he made in the kiss; everything was driving Jun crazy. One of his hands left Sho's waist and slid up his arms, giving Sho the chills, they took a step back then another and another, until Sho's back hit the wall next to the piano.
That was when Jun's lungs screamed that he needed air that he felt Sho's hands upon his chest and the warmth on his lips leaving.
"W-wait," Sho stuttered breathless, a slight tint of pink on his cheeks.
"I'm sorry," Jun apologized, resting his forehead on Sho's. "It's been so long since we were this close that I've been a bit carried away. Don't worry we won't go further." He tried to reassure.
Sho nodded and smiled shyly "I know."
And they kept their words for the night. They skipped dinner as they preferred to spend their time together in the bed, cuddling and kissing lovingly as the talked about anything. The night had been short but it was worth it.
The days passed and little by little Jun's doubts about Sho's recover disappeared with each new sign the older man made. His smiles weren't fake anymore; he didn't smile as much as he did before but at least when he did it was genuine. His laughter too, whenever Jun heard Sho's laugh the sound made his heart skip a beat and he laughed with him because an honest laugh was always infectious.
The following days went well; Sho became more and more honest with others and with himself. However one night, Jun did something unexpected.
They were both fast asleep after a hard day and the next morning they needed to wake up early so they both decided to sleep after the small talk that became a routine between them. In the middle of the night Jun woke up as he felt strange. He looked around in the room, everything was dark, the moonlight coming from the opened window gave a calm and fresh atmosphere. Sho was deeply sleeping, his back against him and that was the matter. What made Jun wake up was that soft contact against his groin and Sho was well-known for moving into his sleep. Until now Jun had made a great effort to ignore his needs, but no matter how much you love someone and how strong your will is, your body needs will always be stronger.
Carefully Jun left the bed, reaching silently the bathroom and after he had checked that Sho was still asleep he closed the door and run the water into the shower. He stripped quickly and went under the cold water.
Idiot.
Why now? Jun thought as his fingers curled around his aching cock. He felt ashamed as he pumped it quickly with the image of Sho in front of his eyes; damn it he could almost hear Sho's beautiful voice moaning his name as he came.
"Jun?"
Jun turned his head, breathless and tired; the cold water falling in front of his eyes didn't prevent him from seeing Sho at the door.
Fuck.
"Sh-Sho, look it's not what you think, I..." Jun stopped the water and grabbed the nearest towel. Sho didn't move or said anything; he just stood there, his sleepy eyes trying to focus.
"It's still early, we have two more hours before going to work," Sho said in a yawn. Could it be that he didn't see anything?
"Y-yeah sorry I couldn't sleep anymore." Jun said, a bit lost as he stepped out from the shower, the lower part of his body covered with the towel.
None of them went back to sleep that day but it took Sho two big cup of strong coffee to be totally awake. Jun decided that since Mother Luck was by his side there was no reason to talk about the incident with Sho. It would only scare him.
Despite what Jun thought, Sho had witnessed everything, and even if he was really half asleep that night, his smart brain understood everything perfectly. It was just that Sho preferred to ignore that incident. It was easier that way. And Jun realized one day that he was wrong.
[ Part 6]