[One-shot] Fear - Part 6
[ Part 5 ]
A few weeks later, Jun was waiting for Sho at home. The older man had been invited by his friends and it took all Jun's power and charisma to convince Sho to accept the invitation. It would be useless to say that soon Jun regretted his move. Sho said he would be back at ten and it was already midnight when Jun decided it would be more comfortable to wait for him in the bed. It was stupid from him, but after a while Jun felt a strange fear running through his body. It felt like that night, when he was waiting for Sho. However this time whenever Jun texted him Sho replied, more or less.
Finally at two in the morning the front door opened and Jun sat up in the bed, turning the bedside lamp on.
"Do you realize what time it is?" Jun asked with a reprimanding tone.
Sho appeared at the door, the necktie around his neck a bit untied, his hair in a mess and judging by the way Sho stood at the door, it was a bad sign.
Sho simply laughed at Jun's question.
Yep. Sho was drunk. Jun thought.
"Come on Matu-Matsuzu- Zun!" Sho laughed again as he tried to walk towards the bed. It was only a few steps but it was a dangerous path.
"You're drunk." Jun made a face as he smelt Sho's breath while the other simply let his body fall on the bed, next to Jun.
"Just a little," Sho replied still laughing. "But that's not my fault! Every time I wanted to leave, they were giving another drink and I'm from a good family, I have a good education so I can't refuse a drink, right?" Was this little monologue an explanation for Jun or an excuse for Sho himself?
"You're not sleeping with me tonight. You stink!" Jun was really angry at Sho at the moment.
"Come one," Sho pouted, his head already resting against the fluffy pillow. "At least tonight I will sleep well and that's not thanks to you!" This time it was Sho's turn to use a reprimanding tone, though with his drunken state it was a bit hard to take it seriously.
"What do you mean?"
Sho propped on his elbows (as much as he could) and glared at Jun. "Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, Zun." Then he fell again on the bed and crossed his hands upon his stomach; his voice was strangely calm and serious. "I can't sleep anymore because of you. I'm scared and think that you'll do me when I fall asleep, just like the last night."
Jun was going to ask what Sho meant when he recalled that previous night as well and he understood that Sho had seen everything. He felt stupid and ashamed for being caught in such an embarrassing position though it was normal for a man who slept with his boyfriend. It would be normal if nothing had changed that night of course.
"Sho, listen, I..."
"Nononono." Sho shook his head from left to right like a stubborn child. "I understand. Really and the only reason that I can talk to you about it is that because I'm totally drunk; you know how much of a prude I can be," Sho laughed at himself. "But," he took a deep breath. "I will warn you only once, Zun."
Jun's breath caught in his lungs as Sho bend over him, his hair was in a mess and despite the strong smell of alcohol Jun thought the scene was somewhat beautiful.
"Forget about the idea that you and I will have sex together." Sho said seriously, his eyes had a glint that said Jun that even if he was drunk, Sho was honest with his words.
"We will never do it. I will never let another man touch me this way and you particularly. I really, really, really love you and that's why I can't even think about you touching me this way. I won't let you touch my soiled body, so forget it."
As soon as he had said the last word, the serious face disappeared and Sho fell upon Jun's chest, the latter still surprised by Sho's monologue.
"He took my body and you took my heart," Sho mumbled more to himself than to Jun. "What does it left to me?"
Soon Jun heard Sho's deep breath and by the way his boyfriend became heavy on him, Jun realized that Sho had fallen asleep. He caressed Sho's hair lovingly, the words still playing in his brain. The older man seemed so serious despite his drunken state and the words were a bit crude though Jun couldn't help and still hoped that one day they would live a normal couple life.
The next morning, when Sho woke up he realized that he wasn't alone; a big headache was keeping him company and one Jun was sitting at the end of the bed with a glass of cold water and an aspirin.
"Drink that quickly and go under the shower while I make you coffee, we leave for the studio within an hour." Jun said casually before leaving the bedroom
Sho didn't remember what he did or said the previous night, but as he noticed the lack of good morning kiss he knew that whatever he did had hurt Jun a lot.
During the following days Sho always apologized and asked what he had said to hurt Jun but every time the younger man would reply that everything was fine, nothing happened at all and that it was simply in Sho's head. Sho was so desperate he asked the other members for help but none of them was of any use. What happens in a couple concerns only the couple, Nino had said which wasn't very helpful. Ohno gave his two cents and said that maybe Jun was angry at Sho because he came home drunk which could be an explanation, but Sho knew Jun better and if it was the reason Jun would have said it already. As for Aiba, well Aiba was certainly the one who was the nearest from the truth; whatever hurt Jun they wouldn't know because he wanted to help and protect Sho and if not knowing the truth was the best way to do it, then there was nothing they could do and it was better to forget about it.
That's what Sho did and as Aiba had said, everything felt like usual after that. Their life was almost like before everything happened. Arashi was as united as before, their interviews were still funny and touching, their interaction with the guests in their variety shows was enjoyable and their latest single was already a success, spotting the first place in the Oricon ranking, as always. The only negative point was during their photo-shoots. It could be solo or in group there was always one member that felt uneasy and it was very visible on the photos.
“I’m really sorry for the trouble, guys.” Sho apologized as they were changing to their casual clothes in their green room after the shooting. Even though the other members didn’t say anything about the incident, Sho knew he had bothered them and the whole staff (the several requests from the photographer during the shooting were a good clue).
“I have to admit,” Aiba started a bit embarrassed “that it was somehow boring today.” Seeing how low Sho’s head fall the tall man quickly added “I mean how many times have we done this kind of shooting session already?”
“Yeah,” Nino agreed “I’m tired of doing sexy and cool poses in front of the camera.”
Ohno nodded sleepily as he adjusted his bag on his back.
“If you didn’t show how bored you were, the photographer would have been angry at me.” Aiba stated, patting Sho’s back friendly.
Sho gave him a slight smile, he wasn’t convinced by his friends but at least they tried. On the contrary, Jun smiled at them, grateful; it was wonderful when your friends always had a nice word to cheer you up.
That night, Jun tried his best to cheer Sho up but even his famous tiramisu didn’t help Sho to feel better and it was easy to understand. When it was about work, even the tiniest problem would make Sho feeling down.
“Come on, just forget about it already. It’s over, Sho.” Jun sighed as they sat in the sofa.
“I can’t.” Sho pouted “What if it will never like before? Will I always be so stiff in front of the cameras for the rest of my idol’s life? I can’t do that Jun. I really tried hard to not think about it but every time I heard the sound of the cameras I automatically thought that everyone looking at my photos will know about the rape. How can our fans find me attractive when I don’t?”
Jun could clearly see how bothered Sho was. “Well, it doesn’t stop me to find you attractive.” Jun said with a smirk.
“Jun.” Sho scolded, he wasn’t in a good mood.
“It’s true though!” Jun insisted, taking Sho’s hands in his. However seeing that Sho wasn’t still feeling better, Jun sighed. “Okay, you don’t give me another choice. I will have to use my secret weapon.” He said as he stood in front of Sho.
“What do you mean?” Sho asked, standing up as well, ready to flee.
Jun raised his hands and moved his fingers quickly.
“It’s tickles’ time!” He screamed suddenly before he jumped over Sho.
The latter had just the time to avoid Jun’s contact and started to run into the living room. “No Jun!” He warned but the slight smile on his face made his warning tone sound false and that was how they played at ‘catch me if you can’ for a long moment. Little by little, laughter invaded the living room, then the kitchen, and the living room again. During the battle, a few innocent cushions were thrown at each other, the pacific and unmoving vase nearly missed a sad end against the wooden floor during the chase. Finally, Jun jumped over Sho and they both fall on the floor, laughing breathlessly.
“N-no! Aah! No! Please!” Sho pleaded between laughter as Jun attacked his most sensitive part: his sides; but Jun didn’t show any sign of stopping, he wanted to hear that laugh as long as possible.
In the end, Jun had some mercy and stopped his tickling; moving a bit to let Sho sat up and caught his breath. As their laughter subsided Jun realized that since they had fallen he was on top of Sho and it didn’t seem to bothered his boyfriend; did they finally had that trust they had lost?
“I really like your laugh.” Jun said looking lovingly at Sho as he caressed his cheek with his thumb.
Sho looked right at him, calm and serious all of a sudden, he seemed lost deeply in his thoughts, then he moved slowly, bringing their faces closer and kissed Jun chastely.
“Don’t leave me.” He whispered against Jun’s lips.
Jun cupped Sho’s face “Never.” And they shared a deep and passionate kiss.
In the middle of the week, Sho was making diner for both of them as he waited for Jun’s return. That day Sho had less work than Jun and since the poor man was stuck at work for a meeting with the new producer of his drama, Sho had innocently offered Jun to make diner. At first Jun was a bit perplexed (not to say scared) of Sho’s cooking skills, but the older man had brightly proved that at least he could cook pasta and pork without setting fire to the kitchen. As he waited for the water to boil Sho sat in the sofa and turned on the TV and watched the news. As nothing important was on screen Sho decided to call Jun after he had received a mail from him telling Sho that the director wasn’t there yet and that he could be home late.
“Hey,” Sho greeted him through the phone.
“Hi. What are you doing? Nothing’s wrong with the kitchen, right?” Jun seemed worried.
Sho chuckled “Don’t be silly. I’m may not be good at cooking like you but at least I know I should call the fireman before you if the kitchen was on fire.”
“Sorry, I was just joking.” Jun didn’t seem really convincing. “So what are you doing?”
“Nothing great. I’m just watching the news and you?”
“Since I heard like an echo, I deduce that we’re watching the same channel. Look, I’m really sorry for still being at work. I’ll come back as fast as possible, I promise.”
“It’s okay Jun,” Sho said with a reassuring tone. “I know how hard it is sometimes, so don’t worry and just come back home safe, okay?”
“Okay. Sho, I…”
“Ah! The water is spilling all over the place! I need to go!” Sho’s panicking voice said over the phone and the line went dead right away.
Jun looked at his phone for a few seconds until he pushed on the button and chuckled. It was good to have this kind of relationship. They didn’t talk about the incident as much as before. It wasn’t forgotten of course and sometimes Jun’s heard Sho’s sobs during the night, but it was very rare and he simply enjoyed the good moments they shared together.
“You seem in a good mood today.” Jun’s manager said as he entered the room. “I thought you would be mad because of the late hour.”
“I don’t mind really.” Jun shrugged “And within the group I’m not the one who hates to wait the most.” He smiled knowingly.
“Oh is that so?” The manager seemed to understand perfectly and knew of who Jun was talking about. “How does it go, you two?”
Jun blushed slightly, it was still a bit hard to admit to other people that he was in a relationship with Sho, but he couldn’t hide the truth to his manager. “Great. We’ve been closer recently,” he paused as his manager nodded “but I don’t think you’ve come here just to ask me that.”
“You’re right, the director his finally here, the staff is waiting for you.” He announced while pushing back his glasses on his nose.
Jun stood up “Well then, we don’t want the director to wait too long, right?”
As Jun walked towards the door, his manager showing the way, the newscaster’s voice from TV caught Jun’s attention.
“The missing man has been found dead this afternoon.” Jun stopped dead in his track and listened attentively “A jogger had discovered the corpse near Tokyo bay.”
Jun ran towards the screen and stared at the picture of the man, it was the same man than before, the one that abducted Sho. “Police said they found a note in the pocket of the man, neatly folded into a paper bag.”
“It seems clear that it was a suicide, everything was prepared, even the last will.” The chief of the police said in front of the cameras.
Jun’s blood turned cold into his veins, everything around him became nonexistent, and he didn’t even hear his manager calling him.
“Matsumoto-san!” The manager called for the nth time when Jun finally came back to Earth.
The only thing he could think of at the moment was Sho. Jun rushed from the green room and run towards the exit, not caring at his manager calling him. On his way he tried to dial Sho but the line never connected.
“TAXI!” Jun screamed as a cab came into view. He gave the address to the driver and asked him to be as fast as possible. On his way he tried to call Sho every second but they were still no answer. Jun’s brain roamed at full speed, thinking already about the worst. Sho was watching the same channel as him, he must have heard the news just like him. If Jun reacted so badly, he just couldn’t think how Sho would react.
When they reached Sho’s building Jun came out quickly and threw several bills at the driver. He pushed the lift’s button like a mad man, cursing at it for not being faster. Once he had entered the apartment, there was no one in sight, as he feared. He screamed Sho’s name as he checked the kitchen, the bedroom and the living room but there was still no sign of Sho. Jun’s heart stopped as he noticed that the door of the balcony was wide open, the curtains floating slightly with the fresh wind of the night.
“No.” Jun whispered, his eyes wide opened in horror as he run toward the balcony.
“Jun?” Jun turned around, in shock as he recognized Sho’s voice behind him. Sho was at the bathroom door, a towel curled around his waist and staring at Jun as if he was a crazy man.
“You’re home already? Why did you c-”Sho couldn’t finish his question as Jun hugged him strongly.
“Why didn’t you answer my phone calls?” Jun nearly screamed angrily but he was so relieved to see Sho’s safe and sound.
“S-sorry, but the kitchen was in a mess after your call and I needed to take a shower.” He apologized, still surprised by Jun’s strange attitude. “What’s going on Jun?”
Jun lifted his head and stared at Sho seriously. The older man could see the sadness in Jun’s eyes. “You’re scaring me, Jun. Tell me.” A shiver ran on his back, the sudden gravity in the mood combined with the fact that he just came out from the shower, wearing only a towel made Sho feeling cold.
“I think,” Jun started; his hands firmly on Sho’s shoulders. “that you should sit first.”
Sho didn’t have to be told twice. He was too anxious to know what Jun had to say. He sat on the couch with Jun kneeling at his feet, both hands on Sho’s hands which rested on his lap.
“They,” Jun licked his dry lips; he didn’t know how to say it without scaring Sho. “They found him, Sho.”
As Sho’s eyes opened wide and his face became pale, Jun knew that Sho knew perfectly well of whom he was talking about. “He’s dead.”
At the sudden announcement Sho became speechless. His mouth moved to form words but they didn’t come out. Jun watched helplessly as Sho stood up, taking a few steps in the living room; his absent gaze was a sign of how lost he was.
“They found him in Tokyo Bay. Guy killed himself.” Jun added as Sho moved towards the balcony.
“I-I need some air.” Sho said in no one in particular as he went outside. Jun followed him close, his heart was beating fast in his chest as he feared Sho would do something stupid.
“Sho,” Jun rested a hand on Sho’s bare shoulder but the latter shrugged it off.
Sho kept his eyes on Tokyo’s lights, the buildings shinning beautifully in the middle of the night. Everything was calm, as if time had stopped. There were no sounds but the wind blowing softly in the trees.
Jun didn’t know how long they stood silent, but suddenly Sho lowered his head and sobbed.
“This is unfair.” Jun heard Sho’s soft voice.
“Why do I have to live with that burden while he just gave up everything? He’s the one at fault; he should have lived with the truth for the rest of his life. It’s too simple. Too easy.”
“I know,” Jun didn’t know what else he could say and he didn’t even dare to give Sho a comforting hug. “Maybe he felt too guilty that he couldn’t bear it.”
“That’s what’s unfair!” Sho shouted angrily. “He should have lived with the guilt as long as possible as I lived with the memory.”
Jun tried again to rest a hand on Sho’s shoulder but this time he didn’t have the time to react, Sho turned around and leant again his chest, crying loudly. At first Jun was surprised by the gesture but he composed himself quickly and hugged Sho strongly, showing him his support.
After a while, when Sho’s cries stopped, Jun offered to come back into the apartment; Sho was only wearing a towel and despite the nice weather outside, he was scared that his boyfriend would catch a cold. Jun didn’t know if Sho was slightly trembling because he was cold or the news in itself and he went into the kitchen to make tea for the both of them.
Sho was quiet the whole time and the only sign that Jun knew Sho was still there was the sound from the TV as Sho changed the channels until he had found one which talked about the death of the man. When Jun came near Sho with a tray in his hand, the older man turned off the TV and looked at Jun who gave Sho a blanket to keep him warm.
“You want to talk about it?” Jun asked after a while.
“There’s nothing to say.” Sho shrugged, strangely calm.
“On the contrary, I think you have a lot in mind.”
“The guy raped me. He killed himself. I live. End of the story.” While saying that Sho looked straight at the black TV screen.
“Sho, I think it’s more than tha-” Jun was cut short by Sho’s lips, the other man nearly jumped on him suddenly. They shared a passionate, almost bestial kiss. Jun had Sho on his lap; the older man was kissing him furiously, his tongue invading his mouth, desperately.
“Sh-Sho!” Jun shouted as he pushed Sho away a bit, breaking the contact.
Sho looked at him with a strange glint in his eyes, panting hard. “Will you erase the memory for me?” he asked sternly.
Jun understood perfectly what Sho was asking him and never did he think that that day would come. They’ve just take another step in their relationship and to be honest, Jun was happy about it. He had dreamed of this day so many times.
But not like that.
If Sho really wanted to forget the pain and the fear he had experienced before, doing it right there at the moment wouldn’t do anything good. Jun stood up and took Sho’s hand in his.
“Come with me,” he said as he walked towards their bedroom. He forced Sho to sit on the bed and went to close the door.
Just this short moment changed Sho’s attitude. He didn’t seem as fierce and determined as before and Jun was a bit sad to see Sho so lost and scared on the bed. He sat near him and took Sho’s hands in his, looking straight at him.
“Stop worrying, nothing will happen tonight.” He said reassuringly.
Sho’s face showed how surprised he was by Jun’s words.
“I don’t want to have our first time because you want to forget another man.” Jun explained slowly. “I want to do it because we both want it.” He kissed Sho tenderly.
“You’re different from the others,” Sho whispered against Jun’s lips, his eyes half closed.
“No I’m not.” He kissed the plumped lips again, unable to stop smiling. “I just want you to be fine. Sex isn’t just a need when it happened between lovers and I want you to know that.”
This time it was Sho who made the first move and kissed Jun passionately.
That night, the both of them spend a lovely moment, just the two of them, kissing and chatting happily, all the worries forgotten.
[ Final Part ]
A few weeks later, Jun was waiting for Sho at home. The older man had been invited by his friends and it took all Jun's power and charisma to convince Sho to accept the invitation. It would be useless to say that soon Jun regretted his move. Sho said he would be back at ten and it was already midnight when Jun decided it would be more comfortable to wait for him in the bed. It was stupid from him, but after a while Jun felt a strange fear running through his body. It felt like that night, when he was waiting for Sho. However this time whenever Jun texted him Sho replied, more or less.
Finally at two in the morning the front door opened and Jun sat up in the bed, turning the bedside lamp on.
"Do you realize what time it is?" Jun asked with a reprimanding tone.
Sho appeared at the door, the necktie around his neck a bit untied, his hair in a mess and judging by the way Sho stood at the door, it was a bad sign.
Sho simply laughed at Jun's question.
Yep. Sho was drunk. Jun thought.
"Come on Matu-Matsuzu- Zun!" Sho laughed again as he tried to walk towards the bed. It was only a few steps but it was a dangerous path.
"You're drunk." Jun made a face as he smelt Sho's breath while the other simply let his body fall on the bed, next to Jun.
"Just a little," Sho replied still laughing. "But that's not my fault! Every time I wanted to leave, they were giving another drink and I'm from a good family, I have a good education so I can't refuse a drink, right?" Was this little monologue an explanation for Jun or an excuse for Sho himself?
"You're not sleeping with me tonight. You stink!" Jun was really angry at Sho at the moment.
"Come one," Sho pouted, his head already resting against the fluffy pillow. "At least tonight I will sleep well and that's not thanks to you!" This time it was Sho's turn to use a reprimanding tone, though with his drunken state it was a bit hard to take it seriously.
"What do you mean?"
Sho propped on his elbows (as much as he could) and glared at Jun. "Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, Zun." Then he fell again on the bed and crossed his hands upon his stomach; his voice was strangely calm and serious. "I can't sleep anymore because of you. I'm scared and think that you'll do me when I fall asleep, just like the last night."
Jun was going to ask what Sho meant when he recalled that previous night as well and he understood that Sho had seen everything. He felt stupid and ashamed for being caught in such an embarrassing position though it was normal for a man who slept with his boyfriend. It would be normal if nothing had changed that night of course.
"Sho, listen, I..."
"Nononono." Sho shook his head from left to right like a stubborn child. "I understand. Really and the only reason that I can talk to you about it is that because I'm totally drunk; you know how much of a prude I can be," Sho laughed at himself. "But," he took a deep breath. "I will warn you only once, Zun."
Jun's breath caught in his lungs as Sho bend over him, his hair was in a mess and despite the strong smell of alcohol Jun thought the scene was somewhat beautiful.
"Forget about the idea that you and I will have sex together." Sho said seriously, his eyes had a glint that said Jun that even if he was drunk, Sho was honest with his words.
"We will never do it. I will never let another man touch me this way and you particularly. I really, really, really love you and that's why I can't even think about you touching me this way. I won't let you touch my soiled body, so forget it."
As soon as he had said the last word, the serious face disappeared and Sho fell upon Jun's chest, the latter still surprised by Sho's monologue.
"He took my body and you took my heart," Sho mumbled more to himself than to Jun. "What does it left to me?"
Soon Jun heard Sho's deep breath and by the way his boyfriend became heavy on him, Jun realized that Sho had fallen asleep. He caressed Sho's hair lovingly, the words still playing in his brain. The older man seemed so serious despite his drunken state and the words were a bit crude though Jun couldn't help and still hoped that one day they would live a normal couple life.
The next morning, when Sho woke up he realized that he wasn't alone; a big headache was keeping him company and one Jun was sitting at the end of the bed with a glass of cold water and an aspirin.
"Drink that quickly and go under the shower while I make you coffee, we leave for the studio within an hour." Jun said casually before leaving the bedroom
Sho didn't remember what he did or said the previous night, but as he noticed the lack of good morning kiss he knew that whatever he did had hurt Jun a lot.
During the following days Sho always apologized and asked what he had said to hurt Jun but every time the younger man would reply that everything was fine, nothing happened at all and that it was simply in Sho's head. Sho was so desperate he asked the other members for help but none of them was of any use. What happens in a couple concerns only the couple, Nino had said which wasn't very helpful. Ohno gave his two cents and said that maybe Jun was angry at Sho because he came home drunk which could be an explanation, but Sho knew Jun better and if it was the reason Jun would have said it already. As for Aiba, well Aiba was certainly the one who was the nearest from the truth; whatever hurt Jun they wouldn't know because he wanted to help and protect Sho and if not knowing the truth was the best way to do it, then there was nothing they could do and it was better to forget about it.
That's what Sho did and as Aiba had said, everything felt like usual after that. Their life was almost like before everything happened. Arashi was as united as before, their interviews were still funny and touching, their interaction with the guests in their variety shows was enjoyable and their latest single was already a success, spotting the first place in the Oricon ranking, as always. The only negative point was during their photo-shoots. It could be solo or in group there was always one member that felt uneasy and it was very visible on the photos.
“I’m really sorry for the trouble, guys.” Sho apologized as they were changing to their casual clothes in their green room after the shooting. Even though the other members didn’t say anything about the incident, Sho knew he had bothered them and the whole staff (the several requests from the photographer during the shooting were a good clue).
“I have to admit,” Aiba started a bit embarrassed “that it was somehow boring today.” Seeing how low Sho’s head fall the tall man quickly added “I mean how many times have we done this kind of shooting session already?”
“Yeah,” Nino agreed “I’m tired of doing sexy and cool poses in front of the camera.”
Ohno nodded sleepily as he adjusted his bag on his back.
“If you didn’t show how bored you were, the photographer would have been angry at me.” Aiba stated, patting Sho’s back friendly.
Sho gave him a slight smile, he wasn’t convinced by his friends but at least they tried. On the contrary, Jun smiled at them, grateful; it was wonderful when your friends always had a nice word to cheer you up.
That night, Jun tried his best to cheer Sho up but even his famous tiramisu didn’t help Sho to feel better and it was easy to understand. When it was about work, even the tiniest problem would make Sho feeling down.
“Come on, just forget about it already. It’s over, Sho.” Jun sighed as they sat in the sofa.
“I can’t.” Sho pouted “What if it will never like before? Will I always be so stiff in front of the cameras for the rest of my idol’s life? I can’t do that Jun. I really tried hard to not think about it but every time I heard the sound of the cameras I automatically thought that everyone looking at my photos will know about the rape. How can our fans find me attractive when I don’t?”
Jun could clearly see how bothered Sho was. “Well, it doesn’t stop me to find you attractive.” Jun said with a smirk.
“Jun.” Sho scolded, he wasn’t in a good mood.
“It’s true though!” Jun insisted, taking Sho’s hands in his. However seeing that Sho wasn’t still feeling better, Jun sighed. “Okay, you don’t give me another choice. I will have to use my secret weapon.” He said as he stood in front of Sho.
“What do you mean?” Sho asked, standing up as well, ready to flee.
Jun raised his hands and moved his fingers quickly.
“It’s tickles’ time!” He screamed suddenly before he jumped over Sho.
The latter had just the time to avoid Jun’s contact and started to run into the living room. “No Jun!” He warned but the slight smile on his face made his warning tone sound false and that was how they played at ‘catch me if you can’ for a long moment. Little by little, laughter invaded the living room, then the kitchen, and the living room again. During the battle, a few innocent cushions were thrown at each other, the pacific and unmoving vase nearly missed a sad end against the wooden floor during the chase. Finally, Jun jumped over Sho and they both fall on the floor, laughing breathlessly.
“N-no! Aah! No! Please!” Sho pleaded between laughter as Jun attacked his most sensitive part: his sides; but Jun didn’t show any sign of stopping, he wanted to hear that laugh as long as possible.
In the end, Jun had some mercy and stopped his tickling; moving a bit to let Sho sat up and caught his breath. As their laughter subsided Jun realized that since they had fallen he was on top of Sho and it didn’t seem to bothered his boyfriend; did they finally had that trust they had lost?
“I really like your laugh.” Jun said looking lovingly at Sho as he caressed his cheek with his thumb.
Sho looked right at him, calm and serious all of a sudden, he seemed lost deeply in his thoughts, then he moved slowly, bringing their faces closer and kissed Jun chastely.
“Don’t leave me.” He whispered against Jun’s lips.
Jun cupped Sho’s face “Never.” And they shared a deep and passionate kiss.
In the middle of the week, Sho was making diner for both of them as he waited for Jun’s return. That day Sho had less work than Jun and since the poor man was stuck at work for a meeting with the new producer of his drama, Sho had innocently offered Jun to make diner. At first Jun was a bit perplexed (not to say scared) of Sho’s cooking skills, but the older man had brightly proved that at least he could cook pasta and pork without setting fire to the kitchen. As he waited for the water to boil Sho sat in the sofa and turned on the TV and watched the news. As nothing important was on screen Sho decided to call Jun after he had received a mail from him telling Sho that the director wasn’t there yet and that he could be home late.
“Hey,” Sho greeted him through the phone.
“Hi. What are you doing? Nothing’s wrong with the kitchen, right?” Jun seemed worried.
Sho chuckled “Don’t be silly. I’m may not be good at cooking like you but at least I know I should call the fireman before you if the kitchen was on fire.”
“Sorry, I was just joking.” Jun didn’t seem really convincing. “So what are you doing?”
“Nothing great. I’m just watching the news and you?”
“Since I heard like an echo, I deduce that we’re watching the same channel. Look, I’m really sorry for still being at work. I’ll come back as fast as possible, I promise.”
“It’s okay Jun,” Sho said with a reassuring tone. “I know how hard it is sometimes, so don’t worry and just come back home safe, okay?”
“Okay. Sho, I…”
“Ah! The water is spilling all over the place! I need to go!” Sho’s panicking voice said over the phone and the line went dead right away.
Jun looked at his phone for a few seconds until he pushed on the button and chuckled. It was good to have this kind of relationship. They didn’t talk about the incident as much as before. It wasn’t forgotten of course and sometimes Jun’s heard Sho’s sobs during the night, but it was very rare and he simply enjoyed the good moments they shared together.
“You seem in a good mood today.” Jun’s manager said as he entered the room. “I thought you would be mad because of the late hour.”
“I don’t mind really.” Jun shrugged “And within the group I’m not the one who hates to wait the most.” He smiled knowingly.
“Oh is that so?” The manager seemed to understand perfectly and knew of who Jun was talking about. “How does it go, you two?”
Jun blushed slightly, it was still a bit hard to admit to other people that he was in a relationship with Sho, but he couldn’t hide the truth to his manager. “Great. We’ve been closer recently,” he paused as his manager nodded “but I don’t think you’ve come here just to ask me that.”
“You’re right, the director his finally here, the staff is waiting for you.” He announced while pushing back his glasses on his nose.
Jun stood up “Well then, we don’t want the director to wait too long, right?”
As Jun walked towards the door, his manager showing the way, the newscaster’s voice from TV caught Jun’s attention.
“The missing man has been found dead this afternoon.” Jun stopped dead in his track and listened attentively “A jogger had discovered the corpse near Tokyo bay.”
Jun ran towards the screen and stared at the picture of the man, it was the same man than before, the one that abducted Sho. “Police said they found a note in the pocket of the man, neatly folded into a paper bag.”
“It seems clear that it was a suicide, everything was prepared, even the last will.” The chief of the police said in front of the cameras.
Jun’s blood turned cold into his veins, everything around him became nonexistent, and he didn’t even hear his manager calling him.
“Matsumoto-san!” The manager called for the nth time when Jun finally came back to Earth.
The only thing he could think of at the moment was Sho. Jun rushed from the green room and run towards the exit, not caring at his manager calling him. On his way he tried to dial Sho but the line never connected.
“TAXI!” Jun screamed as a cab came into view. He gave the address to the driver and asked him to be as fast as possible. On his way he tried to call Sho every second but they were still no answer. Jun’s brain roamed at full speed, thinking already about the worst. Sho was watching the same channel as him, he must have heard the news just like him. If Jun reacted so badly, he just couldn’t think how Sho would react.
When they reached Sho’s building Jun came out quickly and threw several bills at the driver. He pushed the lift’s button like a mad man, cursing at it for not being faster. Once he had entered the apartment, there was no one in sight, as he feared. He screamed Sho’s name as he checked the kitchen, the bedroom and the living room but there was still no sign of Sho. Jun’s heart stopped as he noticed that the door of the balcony was wide open, the curtains floating slightly with the fresh wind of the night.
“No.” Jun whispered, his eyes wide opened in horror as he run toward the balcony.
“Jun?” Jun turned around, in shock as he recognized Sho’s voice behind him. Sho was at the bathroom door, a towel curled around his waist and staring at Jun as if he was a crazy man.
“You’re home already? Why did you c-”Sho couldn’t finish his question as Jun hugged him strongly.
“Why didn’t you answer my phone calls?” Jun nearly screamed angrily but he was so relieved to see Sho’s safe and sound.
“S-sorry, but the kitchen was in a mess after your call and I needed to take a shower.” He apologized, still surprised by Jun’s strange attitude. “What’s going on Jun?”
Jun lifted his head and stared at Sho seriously. The older man could see the sadness in Jun’s eyes. “You’re scaring me, Jun. Tell me.” A shiver ran on his back, the sudden gravity in the mood combined with the fact that he just came out from the shower, wearing only a towel made Sho feeling cold.
“I think,” Jun started; his hands firmly on Sho’s shoulders. “that you should sit first.”
Sho didn’t have to be told twice. He was too anxious to know what Jun had to say. He sat on the couch with Jun kneeling at his feet, both hands on Sho’s hands which rested on his lap.
“They,” Jun licked his dry lips; he didn’t know how to say it without scaring Sho. “They found him, Sho.”
As Sho’s eyes opened wide and his face became pale, Jun knew that Sho knew perfectly well of whom he was talking about. “He’s dead.”
At the sudden announcement Sho became speechless. His mouth moved to form words but they didn’t come out. Jun watched helplessly as Sho stood up, taking a few steps in the living room; his absent gaze was a sign of how lost he was.
“They found him in Tokyo Bay. Guy killed himself.” Jun added as Sho moved towards the balcony.
“I-I need some air.” Sho said in no one in particular as he went outside. Jun followed him close, his heart was beating fast in his chest as he feared Sho would do something stupid.
“Sho,” Jun rested a hand on Sho’s bare shoulder but the latter shrugged it off.
Sho kept his eyes on Tokyo’s lights, the buildings shinning beautifully in the middle of the night. Everything was calm, as if time had stopped. There were no sounds but the wind blowing softly in the trees.
Jun didn’t know how long they stood silent, but suddenly Sho lowered his head and sobbed.
“This is unfair.” Jun heard Sho’s soft voice.
“Why do I have to live with that burden while he just gave up everything? He’s the one at fault; he should have lived with the truth for the rest of his life. It’s too simple. Too easy.”
“I know,” Jun didn’t know what else he could say and he didn’t even dare to give Sho a comforting hug. “Maybe he felt too guilty that he couldn’t bear it.”
“That’s what’s unfair!” Sho shouted angrily. “He should have lived with the guilt as long as possible as I lived with the memory.”
Jun tried again to rest a hand on Sho’s shoulder but this time he didn’t have the time to react, Sho turned around and leant again his chest, crying loudly. At first Jun was surprised by the gesture but he composed himself quickly and hugged Sho strongly, showing him his support.
After a while, when Sho’s cries stopped, Jun offered to come back into the apartment; Sho was only wearing a towel and despite the nice weather outside, he was scared that his boyfriend would catch a cold. Jun didn’t know if Sho was slightly trembling because he was cold or the news in itself and he went into the kitchen to make tea for the both of them.
Sho was quiet the whole time and the only sign that Jun knew Sho was still there was the sound from the TV as Sho changed the channels until he had found one which talked about the death of the man. When Jun came near Sho with a tray in his hand, the older man turned off the TV and looked at Jun who gave Sho a blanket to keep him warm.
“You want to talk about it?” Jun asked after a while.
“There’s nothing to say.” Sho shrugged, strangely calm.
“On the contrary, I think you have a lot in mind.”
“The guy raped me. He killed himself. I live. End of the story.” While saying that Sho looked straight at the black TV screen.
“Sho, I think it’s more than tha-” Jun was cut short by Sho’s lips, the other man nearly jumped on him suddenly. They shared a passionate, almost bestial kiss. Jun had Sho on his lap; the older man was kissing him furiously, his tongue invading his mouth, desperately.
“Sh-Sho!” Jun shouted as he pushed Sho away a bit, breaking the contact.
Sho looked at him with a strange glint in his eyes, panting hard. “Will you erase the memory for me?” he asked sternly.
Jun understood perfectly what Sho was asking him and never did he think that that day would come. They’ve just take another step in their relationship and to be honest, Jun was happy about it. He had dreamed of this day so many times.
But not like that.
If Sho really wanted to forget the pain and the fear he had experienced before, doing it right there at the moment wouldn’t do anything good. Jun stood up and took Sho’s hand in his.
“Come with me,” he said as he walked towards their bedroom. He forced Sho to sit on the bed and went to close the door.
Just this short moment changed Sho’s attitude. He didn’t seem as fierce and determined as before and Jun was a bit sad to see Sho so lost and scared on the bed. He sat near him and took Sho’s hands in his, looking straight at him.
“Stop worrying, nothing will happen tonight.” He said reassuringly.
Sho’s face showed how surprised he was by Jun’s words.
“I don’t want to have our first time because you want to forget another man.” Jun explained slowly. “I want to do it because we both want it.” He kissed Sho tenderly.
“You’re different from the others,” Sho whispered against Jun’s lips, his eyes half closed.
“No I’m not.” He kissed the plumped lips again, unable to stop smiling. “I just want you to be fine. Sex isn’t just a need when it happened between lovers and I want you to know that.”
This time it was Sho who made the first move and kissed Jun passionately.
That night, the both of them spend a lovely moment, just the two of them, kissing and chatting happily, all the worries forgotten.
[ Final Part ]