I ask my cat Ghost, who is undoubtly mad that I've been carrying him around in a basket like the girl from The Three Lives of Thomasina all while he wears a shirt for cats that says "I support Michael Vick."

"Mowow", he responds.

"Hey do you think this library is like the one in The Neverending Story Pt. 2 or the Pagemaster," I ask

My cat so disgusted ( Read more... )

I've been having some bizarre dreams as of late. By dreams of course I mean I'm wide awake and drift off into my own thoughts. My most recent dream as in a half hour ago included me teaching children in Africa how to play baseball with the help of a translator. Think Mighty Ducks meets Ernest Goes to Africa meets The Air Up There (easily in my top ( Read more... )

While I realize that I've been using this platform as a fictional based writing thing-a-ma-jig, I decided to let you all know how I've been since our departure in April.

In that time I really haven't done anything of substance. Mostly what you'd expect from me. I'm back working at Dairy Queen for the summer so any plans can be made easily with ( Read more... )

I exit my dad's truck as my sister complains that she's going to be late, because I got dropped off first. I can only hear ( get ready to put your mustaches on) "Dani shut the hell up." as I shut the door and run across the street dodging cars.
It's my first day of class at my new middle school. I mean moving from all across the World to end up in ( Read more... )

well really it wasn't a coma, but more that I decided to freeze myself and greeny so that we could live until the year 6969 so we could make sex jokes all year. Unfortunately they power went out and it was only 25 years later. So Greeny and I decided to see how everyone was doing in the future. Well I ended up leaving Greeny behind, because he was ( Read more... )

So I just wrote this whole sequence about how I ate a whole bunch of food and went to Kroger and Rigs was getting arrested because she was assaulting old ladies with produce and then Neil and Her Majesty were going to a swingers party at Dan Rathers house and greeny escaped to the drive way in a months time and finally Ozzie Guillen had a really ( Read more... )

Would be the best name for a graphic novel. Who doesn't love superheroes and Jazz

I walk into the room and I see Neil eating his space ice cream (you can buy some at Cosi) watching The Right Stuff for the 100th time. Everytime he watches it he just bitches about Chuck Yeager and how he almost fought him at a bar in Dallas. I tell Neil that I am ( Read more... )

....Somebody yells in the crowd of the bar. A bunch of 22 year-old girls laugh at the table behind me. I set their table on fire. Neil and I leave the restaurant and make our way to a new club in town. You see the outside looks like the inside and vice versa. It's great.

So we get inside, because Neil knows some people, and I get to the bar and say ( Read more... )

So Billy Crystal inspired me to try out for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Except in my only at-bat I hit a game winning grand slam off of Todd Jones and we won the World Series and I got a high five from the ghosts of Honus Wagner, Roberto Clemente, and Willie Stargell. PIRATES WIN! PIRATES WIN! Oh no. There's an earthquake like in the 1989 World Series ( Read more... )

"I love Animal House, it's by far funnier than 1941" "Dude you also said Ace Ventura When Nature Calls was funnier than Pet Detective."
Neil and I had arguments like this all the time. I knew I was right that Animal House and Nature Calls were better and Neil couldn't quite get a hold of himself. His favorite movie is Space Jam. 
But I digress. I ( Read more... )