i've got nothing but a long series of unexplained, incongruous, painful theories to explain how i've reached this point. i am blessed with as much food as i can eat, medical coverage, and a family that really hopes that my mental illness stays in check. yet i can count on my fingers the number of friends that i can weigh as friends of any depth or ( Read more... )

nobody really reads these, i hope. for one, why would you? anyway, i need to get this vomited out somewhere. i am done with my sentence. three to five years. you see, erika told me on the phone a little less than five years ago that she might want to be friends again in three to five years. this led to me trying to get a hold of her after two years ( Read more... )

i was already set up to be in a shit headspace. my hip, of all fucking things, went into spasm for several days. moreover, i'd been in some idiotic discussion with my parents about not drinking while using their cars or living in their house. add to this that my craziest ex of all gets a hold of me and tells me that she just got out of the mental ( Read more... )

this is one of those words that keeps its power no matter how sane I stay. somehow, everyone I can imagine would wish the best thing for me, and it is headed to me in some future form that I must wait for. must not scare away through rash action. must not preempt by finding a lesser substitute before the great gift show itself. wait...

Posted via m ( Read more... )

I went from more or less fine a few days ago to totally floored. friday I was uninvited from the only haloween party I was even welcome at. that night I got less than four hours sleep, in two horrid naps. the... ahh, fuck I can't be bothered with the details. I think a bunch of things just didn't happen that I expected, and now I feel like shit ( Read more... )

I have a limited social life. I have a small number of people that I see on a regular basis. any chance to expand my interpersonal circles is a joy to me, and a chance to perhaps shake this bachelorhood. thus, when I was invited to a halloween party, I was immediately interested. although I hoped other parties would also invite me, none did. my ( Read more... )

so, i've been sick with a cold for the last four days or so. the best part is that i've had the house to myself the last two. nothing better than being alone and sick. i've been trying to move forward with my life, despite the obvious feeling that i am damned. as far as i can digest, i went for seven or so years on optimistic bluster, hit a wall, ( Read more... )

is it really poverty when you know you'll never want for food and shelter? my phone is dead, but my internet is on. i have an income, even if it won't cover all the debts i have incurred. i can't seem to sell my upright bass for a steal of a price, so i get to choose between my phone and my bank account. at least i'm not getting evicted. the two ( Read more... )

i had a dream with her in it last night. i never dream about her. i've only started to remember my dreams lately, anyhow. i've been doing the "write them down when you remember them" trick, and i am remembering more dreams. s'funny, she was just as standoffish and hard to read in the dream as she could be in real life ( Read more... )

oh, wait, that's me. moreover, that's the outfit i wore when i brought the clash with my folks to a glass-shattering conclusion. how odd that a fiction of photos made two years ago could presage the true menace that my mania would erupt into. art imitates life, just at times before life catches up, i suppose ( Read more... )