BtVS fic: Revelations
Title: Revelations, or Who says “Sailor Moon” has no social value?
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters. I do own the plot though.
Rating: I think it’s G, but for safety I’ll up it to a PG
Summary: Buffy has one at the end of Season 4.
Author’s notes: Okay, so I know a lot of my fanfic is a couple season’s behind. Most of it is stuff I’ve only just gotten around to posting. Also, I tend to think that in these dark times (Buffy-and-Angel-wise) people should have the chance to read some lighter stuff from before we even considered any of the S5/S2 and later stuff possible. This is a sort of a rant fic. One last thing. I know this isn’t really B/A, but I thought there was enough in there to warrant calling it that.
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Sometimes certain revelations come over a long period of time. Gradually a person comes to notice that something has changed. More often it comes as a surprise when someone takes a moment out to look at where they are. They’ll suddenly discover that something they took for granted has changed so gradually they didn’t notice. It can be something as simple as discovering that after seventeen years you’ve come to like broccoli, and it can be as profound as the discovery that you and your best friends aren’t friends any more. These moments are usually caused by some slight introspection, a question of why you don’t want Lucy at the party, an internal debate over why you took those vegetables if you don’t like them. Anything can trigger these epiphanies, but it’s rare that they’re caused by Sailor Moon.
Buffy’s was.
It started as she, Willow and Xander sat in front of the TV over summer break watching cartoons. She couldn’t remember why they were watching the anime marathon, only that they were. Spike was whining about missing Passions as they watched Serena of said cartoon shout “Moon prism power!” and change into her scantily clad alter ego.
“You know,” Spike said as the Sailor Scouts pranced about onscreen, “That Serena chit reminds me a lot of you Slayer.” he looked quite smug as he said it, little knowing the havoc this one little comment would create.
“Shut up Spike!” Buffy’s response was neither creative nor effective.
“Why not? I’ve got as much right as the next bloke to say that you’re a ditz, and-” he was stifled this time by a pillow blow to the head.
Xander decided that now was a good time to break in with his particular brand of wisdom, “Well bleach boy has a point,” he said. Oblivious to Buffy’s baffled look he continued, “You don’t want to be the Slayer and fight monsters and things, and neither does she. You’re both blonde, you both had trouble with high school, you both dated dark haired older guys who went evil and then came back to the side of good, and you both like chatting about the topics of boys and clothes.” he looked very proud as he finished his thought, “And Slayer, Sailor, it’s almost the same title.”
They just stared at Xander for a moment, and then Willow slowly began to speak, “Xander, do you realize that what you just said actually makes sense in a scary sort of way?”
Xander looked hurt, “You sound as though I don’t make sense most of the time when I talk about stuff like this, even though you always know what I’m saying, or trying to say,” he said.
Spike broke in then, “Sailor Moon’s friends seem a lot like your friends too Slayer,” he continued, deciding that Xander’s train of thought was worth following. “I mean that Amy girl there, she’s a lot like red here, and that Jupiter girl, she’s a lot like the brainless wonder on the couch.”
“Hey!” complained the brainless wonder, “I happen to be very brainful.” Xander said. The others looked at him for a moment, then went on with the speculation that Xander had started.
“Well Luna’s a lot like Giles, isn’t she?” Willow said, “And don’t forget the villains.”
“What about them pet?” Spike said.
“Well, in the first season of Sailor Moon, they were fighting Queen Beryl, who kept sending all these minions after Serena.”
“Kinda like the Master did with Buffy when she first came to Sunnydale.” Xander put in having gotten over the earlier grievous insult to his person. Or at least gotten over it enough to participate.
“Right. And in the second season, there were Alan and Anne, remember? They were in love and stuff. A lot like . . . ”
“Me and Dru.” Spike put in.
Buffy had been listening to all of this with the sort of amazement that only comes from watching true fanatics of a particular genre or show discuss significance of the most mindbogglingly stupid parts of a show. The Trek fan who believes that Star Trek is the harbinger of world peace and prosperity, the believers in the powers of the X-Men’s social commentary, or an X-phile’s belief that through Mulder Chris Carter is on to something. She watched as her friends dissected the Sailor Moon characters and plots finding a parallel between her life and that of the Sailor scouts.
“So,” said Spike, determined to keep the conversation off himself, “What about that Mina chit?”
“I dunno,” Xander said, “I’m not really sure, but . . . “
“Oz,” Buffy said.
“What?” that was Xander.
“Who?” Spike and Oz had never met really.
“How?” Willow was just confused.
“Look,” Buffy said, “If Giles can be Luna, and Xander can be Lita, why can’t Oz be Mina? Anyway, she’s quiet like Oz, she joined up with the Sailor Scouts late, like Oz, and she’s smart and hip and sort of understands what’s going on, like Oz.” Buffy finished. The others exchanged looks, and then they all agreed that Buffy was right. Which left one Scout.
Spike brought it up, “What about that really hot one? The one with the black hair?”
“You mean Rae?” Xander asked.
“Yeah, what about her? If we’re finding matching people for all the Sailor Moon characters, there’s gotta be one for her.” Spike was as into this as Xander and Willow.
They all thought for a moment, then Willow spoke up, “She kinda reminds me of Faith, or maybe Kendra.”
“Yeah, only she’s not psycho like Faith.” Xander added.
“Faith is not psychotic.” Buffy spoke up. The others stared at her for a moment, then Willow became bold enough to speak.
“In what way is that bitch not psychotic?”
“She’s not a bitch. She didn’t understand us and we didn’t understand her. Faith never had any true friends. She never had anyone she could trust. She came from a poor, broken family, didn’t have the personality, skill, or some other kind of gift allowing her to stand out in a crowd, and didn’t have a crowd to be a part of.” Buffy said, incensed that they couldn’t see that.
“Uh . . . Buffs, you were the one who freaked out and got all ticked at her.” Xander said.
“I was too wrapped up in my own difficulties, and I didn’t see that Faith wasn’t coming to us for help because she didn’t understand how friendship worked.” Buffy sighed, “Everyone encouraged me to treat her the way I did, and it never occurred to me that she needed to feel special, wanted.”
Xander and Willow looked at each other for a moment, then Willow asked, “How did we not make her feel wanted?”
“Y’ever watch that Brady Bunch show?” Spike broke in, “Buffy is pretty, smart, a really good fighter, and is relatively popular with a family. Faith is pretty, but unremarkably so, she’s an okay fighter, but her technique is awful, she, as the Slayer said, hasn’t got a family and isn’t used to having friends. I believe the phrase ‘Everyone’s always talking about Buffy! Buffy Buffy Buffy!’ applies.” he rolled his eyes at them, “The Slayer is better than Faith, and you all keep comparing Faith to her. You’re not her friends, your Buffy’s, and Buffy is too often praised by the lot of you for Faith to keep from feeling jealous and useless. Buffy is the slayer that survived the one who’s death called Faith.”
A silence followed which was then followed in its turn by a conversation determined to stay on lighter topics. Like a comparison of Angel and Darien of Sailor Moon fame. At this point Xander started to play all sympathetic towards Darien. “Look at him, I mean the guy got captured by the Negaverse, and then they brainwash him into being evil.”
“Yeah, but Angel wasn’t brainwashed,” Willow said, “He lost his soul, and that happened when Spike and Drusilla were trying to take over the world, not when the Master was.”
Spike took issue at that moment, “Yeah, but we’re drawing parallells here, not finding out whether someone has been spying on the Slayer for four years.” he looked at them and continued, “In any event, they both joined up with the dark side for a while, and neither one could kill his ‘true love’.” he finished by making little quote signs with his fingers.
Buffy, eager to get away from this depressing topic spoke, “I wonder why all the first season evil people sound like types of rocks.” she said at complete random. This halted all conversation for about three minutes, during which Serena’s daughter, that she didn’t know about because she hadn’t had her yet as the girl was from the future, managed to nearly get herself killed again for the tenth time that day.
Finally Xander spoke, “Huh?” he said.
“You know, Queen Beryl, Malachite, Zoecite, Jedite ... “ she trailed off as everyone just looked at her. “Okay, maybe I’m the only one who felt that,” she muttered.
Willow decided that she might as well defend Buffy. After all, she’d been defending Xander when he said stuff like that for years, and Buffy was her best friend. “Well, beryl is a kind of mineral, and so is malachite, I guess if you put it that way, they do all sound like rocks.” Now it was Willow’s turn to receive the confused gazes of Spike and Xander.
“Actually, I just wondered why their names all ended with ‘ite’,” Spike said, “Does Serena’s friend Molly remind anyone of the Slayer’s Mum?” he threw out.
“Leave my mother out of this.” Buffy demanded.
“No. After all, neither one of them figured anything out, your mum only found out when you were forced to tell her.“ Spike said determined to needle the Slayer some more, “Not to mention the physical resemblances. They’ve got the same hair, and from what I’ve heard about that episode with the chocolate, she was a lot like Molly when she was that age too. Oh, yeah and they both fell for evil monsters.”
At that point the conversation degenerated into speculation as to whether Artemis was a good equivalent to Ms. Calender, or whether Wesley was a better choice. Buffy barely heard any of it as she thought about her friends’ perspectives on Darien as opposed to Angel, on Faith, and on her and she realised something.
Buffy hadn’t even noticed she was heading for the door when she heard Willow ask where she was going. “Out.” she said. During the long drive to LA thoughts kept on flitting through her head. Why is Angel definitely at fault for what he did when he had no soul, but Darien isn’t evil for doing stuff when he was brainwashed. In fact, if the person is completely gone when the soul is, why can’t Giles see that with Angel? Why didn’t anyone yell at me when I was being irrational about Ms. Calender or Faith?
The answers were all too clear suddenly, as she pulled up outside Cordelia’s. Inside, the only friends she’d ever really had were waiting. While Cordelia may not have been the closest friend Buffy had, she had always tried to tell Buffy when she thought Buffy was doing something stupid. She had had similar problems to Buffy’s, the wonderful, happy, American dream-like upbringing, the vapid friends, the dissolution of what she’d held dear with the discovery that there were more important things. Unlike Willow or Xander who hadn’t had anything or anyone to start, and had gained a purpose since Buffy arrived in Sunnydale, Cordelia knew what it was like to see one’s purpose fall to pieces.
Wesley knew that too, had only been doing what he thought was best, hadn’t been a hypocrite when he’d seen Angel turn evil. Lastly there was Angel, who’d never understood that it wasn’t his fault, who never got that just because people blamed him didn’t mean he was wrong, and who had always been there for Buffy, whether to really listen, or to tell her she was wrong. Buffy understood now too, why she and Faith never got along. Looking at the other’s life through rose coloured glasses had destroyed their friendship more surely than any of Xander’s false sense of injury.
She mounted the stairs to Cordelia’s place, and knocked on the door. As she stood there facing her true love, and her friends, she pulled herself together to explain why she was here.
“Hey.” Standing there were Cordelia, Angel, Wesley, some black guy she didn’t know, and Faith. “Um, when did Faith get out of jail?” Buffy cringed inwardly as she realised that what she’d just said was not going to help her case of pleading forgiveness.
Angel’s response was nothing short of what Buffy deserved, “Why, so you can threaten to kill her and be irrational about forgiving her?”
“No, I came here to apologise to you guys and-” Buffy never got a chance to finish as Cordelia interrupted.
“Oh, so you can wrap Angel around your fingers and he’ll be your little slave vamp?”
“Easy Cordy,” Faith said. “It’s not as though you, me and Angel haven’t ever hurt her. To answer your question B, I got out on parole after they couldn’t really pin me with anything. I’m gettin’ counselling and stuff.”
Buffy looked at the girl she had almost thought of as a sister, the man she had practically been married to, took a deep breath, and started into her apology.
“Faith, I . . . I don’t know how to explain this. You see, I know I owe you an apology for how I treated you before. I was wrong, but I want you to understand why.”
Angel wasn’t up to hearing anything on the matter and strode to the door intent on shutting it in Buffy’s face. “I can’t believe you. First you use your friends, family, and me, and now you’re using Faith. Not to mention the promises you’ve broken-”
That was when Buffy finally snapped, “Used my friends? All right let’s see when did I use them? When I gave Willow the self-confidence to become the confident, witty, and outgoing bisexual witch she is today? Or was it when I didn’t betray you, Xander and Willow by taking the easy route out and dating Xander? Or was it when I tried my damndest to get Faith to understand she could trust me? Huh?” Buffy was now on a roll, “Was it when my own mother told me that I had to choose between her and the whole damn world, or when Xander lied to me about Willow trying the curse again because he’s always been jealous of you? Was it when I ran away because staying in Sunnydale another minute meant I would have killed myself? Was it when I tried to move on because you told me to?” as Buffy ranted the others started to exchange nervous looks, “Or could it be because you thought I didn’t remember Thanksgiving when you were human and we broke the kitchen table?”
Cordelia broke in, “Eeww, I did not need to hear that! I am now scarred for life! Why is it when I think things can’t get any more icky-”
Angel softly broke in on her tirade, “You remembered? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Buffy sighed, “Because you gave up so much for me, didn’t want me to remember, wanted me to move on, to fall in love with someone else. If I’d told you I remembered, I never would have been able to leave until I convinced you we should stay together.” she had tears in her eyes when she looked up at him. “I love you Angel, and what I did to you was reprehensible, but quite frankly I did that to you because I can’t afford to do it to Xander Willow and Giles.”
That got Cordelia’s attention and she stared at Buffy, “You broke Angel’s heart because you can’t afford to do it to Xander, Willow, and Giles?”
“No. I took out all my frustrations on Angel because if I do that to the others, I’ll lose them. I was always able to count on Angel to be there if I needed to just talk my feelings out. When he left, I had no one to talk to. No one to explain my frustrations to.”
Wesley chose that moment to join in, “What about Willow or Xander?”
“What about them? They haven’t trusted my judgment ever since Angel lost his soul after my seventeenth birthday. I was blamed for it, and ever since then they’ve decided that I can’t be trusted around Angel, that Angel is the scum of the earth, and that I’m so much better off with a guy who’s a complete moron but human than Angel.”
Finally the others were mercifully silent. “Giles knows better than anyone that Angel and his evil twin aren’t the same person, that the person with a soul may have the memories, skills, experiences, and preferences of the vampire they become, but the lack of a conscience creates such a huge difference, they might as well be different people. Yet he insists on feeling betrayed because I love someone who coincidentally looks the same as the demon that tortured him and killed Ms. Calendar.”
Angel looked at Buffy with eyes that were abruptly tortured, “Buffy, you know that I-”
“That’s my point Angel, you would never do any of those things. You would rather kill yourself than do that stuff, and yet you act as though you’re to blame. Can’t you see that you and your demon are different?”
“I remember-”
“Someone else’s memories. Did it ever occur to you to wonder why there’s a time lapse between when you get your soul back and you remember everything that’s happened? It’s because those memories aren’t yours. Your real memories are from the time you were human, to when you died, and the from when you got your soul back to when you lost it, and then from when you got your soul back again to the present. You didn’t do any of the things that happened when Angelus was out doing bad stuff. You should understand this. Hell, Spike gets it!”
“What does Spike have to do with anything?” Angel demanded, “Is he still in Sunnydale?”
Buffy smiled slightly at that. “He’s got this chip in his head. You know those commandos that Riley used to be a part of? Well they put this thing in Spike’s head, and now, whenever he tries to hurt any living human he says, and I quote, ‘It feels like hot pokers being driven through my skull.’”
“I wanna rewind and find out why B thinks that she needs to apologise to me.” Faith said.
“You have to ask? I was a complete bitch to you. I mean, I knew that you were sorry for the things you’d done, and I refused to even listen to you.”
Faith stared, “I tried to kill Angel, tried to kill you, joined up with the bad guys, stole your body and slept with your boyfriend, threatened your mother and friends, left you to be picked up by the Watcher’s Council, made fun of you, tried to steal your friends-”
“Were envious of me, couldn’t understand the basics inherent in friendship, didn’t have the benefit of a family and friends ever, misunderstood, alone, the other things were consequences of ignoring or ignorance of these things.” Buffy took a deep breath. “I’m not saying you didn’t do bad things. I’m saying that a lot of it could have been prevented if we had been more understanding of you.
“I realise that now. The problem was that when I came down those stairs and saw you and Angel hugging, I . . . I just lost it. You see Faith, I had tried my damndest to get through to you since we first met. You remember when you snuck up on me right after you woke up? The conversation you interrupted? I had just suggested to Willow that it was possible you wanted to make things up. It wasn’t until I saw you and Angel hugging that I decided to be angry with you over it. You see I’d had to listen to everyone tell me over and over, that you were irredeemable. Willow, Xander, Giles, even Angel. To see that Angel, one of the strongest doubters, had managed to turn you around, overnight, not to mention the jealousy factor, and I just lost it. It’s not fair to put huge amounts of effort into something, and then see someone else do it like that!” she snapped her fingers for emphasis.
Angel, Wesley, Cordelia, and Faith all choked for a moment “Easy!?” they chorused. Angel continued, “You think that was easy?”
“No.” Buffy said, “But you gotta admit, a year of hard work versus three days? I didn’t see any of the effort after all, I’m talking emotionally here people. If I were talking intellectually it would be different.” She shrugged and continued, “If everyone acted logically rather than emotionally, we wouldn’t have half the problems we do today. I’m talking about putting a year of effort into something--something that no one else believed in, then to see a disbeliever manage to do something I failed at in a couple of days, that just exacerbated the fact that I’ve always been jealous of Faith.”
“Jealous of me?” That had completely befuddled Faith. “Why would you be jealous of me?”
Buffy smiled sadly at her sister slayer and shook her head, “You were free.”
“Free?” Cordelia, Wesley and Faith chorused. Angel stared at Buffy, silent. Gunn had quietly faded into the background, too interested to leave, but smart enough to know better than to get involved in something he knew nothing about.
“Free Faith. You didn’t have to worry about what anyone else thought of you. When you didn’t want to do something, you left. You weren’t always having to be the responsible one. You were simply Faith. In my life I had to play bestest buddy with Willow, avoid damaging Xander’s delicate sensibilities, be the good Slayer, perfect daughter, I was accused of troublemaking in school and so had to play a role to deal with that. Even before I became the Slayer I had to pretend within an inch of my life. That my parents weren’t killing me slowly with their arguing, that I didn’t care that I had no real friends, that I enjoyed slaving away to always be the most popular girl in school because I wasn’t good enough in school to be a good student.” Silence now answered her.
“Even with Angel I had to pretend. It’s not that Angel was won through my pretending to be someone else, but I always tried to hide any impulses I thought were petty from Angel, because he always told me I was his reason for fighting and I wanted to live up to that. Faith, you always simply were. I envied that.”
They all stared at Buffy. Not a one had ever thought that Buffy might have felt this way. Angel broke the silence, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want you to be burdened with my problems. You took on so much of my stuff, I didn’t want you to have to deal with that on top of your own.” Buffy shrugged.
Cordelia’s interjection was sudden and threw everyone but Buffy for a loop, “Boy, have I been there.” When the others stared at her she shrugged and explained. “Guys, you didn’t honestly think that I was as stupid as I seemed in Sunnydale and then coming to LA somehow altered my genetic structure to make me a less shallow person did you? I can totally see where Buffy is coming from on the pretending stuff.”
With that admission of understanding the talk started. After Buffy laying her soul bare the others had felt they could do no less and the myriad misunderstandings that had plagued the small group were resolved for the first time. When Buffy went back to Sunnydale she returned with a lighter heart. Before she left though, Angel asked her what had brought on her sudden need to unburden herself.
“I had a revelation.”
FIN
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Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters. I do own the plot though.
Rating: I think it’s G, but for safety I’ll up it to a PG
Summary: Buffy has one at the end of Season 4.
Author’s notes: Okay, so I know a lot of my fanfic is a couple season’s behind. Most of it is stuff I’ve only just gotten around to posting. Also, I tend to think that in these dark times (Buffy-and-Angel-wise) people should have the chance to read some lighter stuff from before we even considered any of the S5/S2 and later stuff possible. This is a sort of a rant fic. One last thing. I know this isn’t really B/A, but I thought there was enough in there to warrant calling it that.
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Sometimes certain revelations come over a long period of time. Gradually a person comes to notice that something has changed. More often it comes as a surprise when someone takes a moment out to look at where they are. They’ll suddenly discover that something they took for granted has changed so gradually they didn’t notice. It can be something as simple as discovering that after seventeen years you’ve come to like broccoli, and it can be as profound as the discovery that you and your best friends aren’t friends any more. These moments are usually caused by some slight introspection, a question of why you don’t want Lucy at the party, an internal debate over why you took those vegetables if you don’t like them. Anything can trigger these epiphanies, but it’s rare that they’re caused by Sailor Moon.
Buffy’s was.
It started as she, Willow and Xander sat in front of the TV over summer break watching cartoons. She couldn’t remember why they were watching the anime marathon, only that they were. Spike was whining about missing Passions as they watched Serena of said cartoon shout “Moon prism power!” and change into her scantily clad alter ego.
“You know,” Spike said as the Sailor Scouts pranced about onscreen, “That Serena chit reminds me a lot of you Slayer.” he looked quite smug as he said it, little knowing the havoc this one little comment would create.
“Shut up Spike!” Buffy’s response was neither creative nor effective.
“Why not? I’ve got as much right as the next bloke to say that you’re a ditz, and-” he was stifled this time by a pillow blow to the head.
Xander decided that now was a good time to break in with his particular brand of wisdom, “Well bleach boy has a point,” he said. Oblivious to Buffy’s baffled look he continued, “You don’t want to be the Slayer and fight monsters and things, and neither does she. You’re both blonde, you both had trouble with high school, you both dated dark haired older guys who went evil and then came back to the side of good, and you both like chatting about the topics of boys and clothes.” he looked very proud as he finished his thought, “And Slayer, Sailor, it’s almost the same title.”
They just stared at Xander for a moment, and then Willow slowly began to speak, “Xander, do you realize that what you just said actually makes sense in a scary sort of way?”
Xander looked hurt, “You sound as though I don’t make sense most of the time when I talk about stuff like this, even though you always know what I’m saying, or trying to say,” he said.
Spike broke in then, “Sailor Moon’s friends seem a lot like your friends too Slayer,” he continued, deciding that Xander’s train of thought was worth following. “I mean that Amy girl there, she’s a lot like red here, and that Jupiter girl, she’s a lot like the brainless wonder on the couch.”
“Hey!” complained the brainless wonder, “I happen to be very brainful.” Xander said. The others looked at him for a moment, then went on with the speculation that Xander had started.
“Well Luna’s a lot like Giles, isn’t she?” Willow said, “And don’t forget the villains.”
“What about them pet?” Spike said.
“Well, in the first season of Sailor Moon, they were fighting Queen Beryl, who kept sending all these minions after Serena.”
“Kinda like the Master did with Buffy when she first came to Sunnydale.” Xander put in having gotten over the earlier grievous insult to his person. Or at least gotten over it enough to participate.
“Right. And in the second season, there were Alan and Anne, remember? They were in love and stuff. A lot like . . . ”
“Me and Dru.” Spike put in.
Buffy had been listening to all of this with the sort of amazement that only comes from watching true fanatics of a particular genre or show discuss significance of the most mindbogglingly stupid parts of a show. The Trek fan who believes that Star Trek is the harbinger of world peace and prosperity, the believers in the powers of the X-Men’s social commentary, or an X-phile’s belief that through Mulder Chris Carter is on to something. She watched as her friends dissected the Sailor Moon characters and plots finding a parallel between her life and that of the Sailor scouts.
“So,” said Spike, determined to keep the conversation off himself, “What about that Mina chit?”
“I dunno,” Xander said, “I’m not really sure, but . . . “
“Oz,” Buffy said.
“What?” that was Xander.
“Who?” Spike and Oz had never met really.
“How?” Willow was just confused.
“Look,” Buffy said, “If Giles can be Luna, and Xander can be Lita, why can’t Oz be Mina? Anyway, she’s quiet like Oz, she joined up with the Sailor Scouts late, like Oz, and she’s smart and hip and sort of understands what’s going on, like Oz.” Buffy finished. The others exchanged looks, and then they all agreed that Buffy was right. Which left one Scout.
Spike brought it up, “What about that really hot one? The one with the black hair?”
“You mean Rae?” Xander asked.
“Yeah, what about her? If we’re finding matching people for all the Sailor Moon characters, there’s gotta be one for her.” Spike was as into this as Xander and Willow.
They all thought for a moment, then Willow spoke up, “She kinda reminds me of Faith, or maybe Kendra.”
“Yeah, only she’s not psycho like Faith.” Xander added.
“Faith is not psychotic.” Buffy spoke up. The others stared at her for a moment, then Willow became bold enough to speak.
“In what way is that bitch not psychotic?”
“She’s not a bitch. She didn’t understand us and we didn’t understand her. Faith never had any true friends. She never had anyone she could trust. She came from a poor, broken family, didn’t have the personality, skill, or some other kind of gift allowing her to stand out in a crowd, and didn’t have a crowd to be a part of.” Buffy said, incensed that they couldn’t see that.
“Uh . . . Buffs, you were the one who freaked out and got all ticked at her.” Xander said.
“I was too wrapped up in my own difficulties, and I didn’t see that Faith wasn’t coming to us for help because she didn’t understand how friendship worked.” Buffy sighed, “Everyone encouraged me to treat her the way I did, and it never occurred to me that she needed to feel special, wanted.”
Xander and Willow looked at each other for a moment, then Willow asked, “How did we not make her feel wanted?”
“Y’ever watch that Brady Bunch show?” Spike broke in, “Buffy is pretty, smart, a really good fighter, and is relatively popular with a family. Faith is pretty, but unremarkably so, she’s an okay fighter, but her technique is awful, she, as the Slayer said, hasn’t got a family and isn’t used to having friends. I believe the phrase ‘Everyone’s always talking about Buffy! Buffy Buffy Buffy!’ applies.” he rolled his eyes at them, “The Slayer is better than Faith, and you all keep comparing Faith to her. You’re not her friends, your Buffy’s, and Buffy is too often praised by the lot of you for Faith to keep from feeling jealous and useless. Buffy is the slayer that survived the one who’s death called Faith.”
A silence followed which was then followed in its turn by a conversation determined to stay on lighter topics. Like a comparison of Angel and Darien of Sailor Moon fame. At this point Xander started to play all sympathetic towards Darien. “Look at him, I mean the guy got captured by the Negaverse, and then they brainwash him into being evil.”
“Yeah, but Angel wasn’t brainwashed,” Willow said, “He lost his soul, and that happened when Spike and Drusilla were trying to take over the world, not when the Master was.”
Spike took issue at that moment, “Yeah, but we’re drawing parallells here, not finding out whether someone has been spying on the Slayer for four years.” he looked at them and continued, “In any event, they both joined up with the dark side for a while, and neither one could kill his ‘true love’.” he finished by making little quote signs with his fingers.
Buffy, eager to get away from this depressing topic spoke, “I wonder why all the first season evil people sound like types of rocks.” she said at complete random. This halted all conversation for about three minutes, during which Serena’s daughter, that she didn’t know about because she hadn’t had her yet as the girl was from the future, managed to nearly get herself killed again for the tenth time that day.
Finally Xander spoke, “Huh?” he said.
“You know, Queen Beryl, Malachite, Zoecite, Jedite ... “ she trailed off as everyone just looked at her. “Okay, maybe I’m the only one who felt that,” she muttered.
Willow decided that she might as well defend Buffy. After all, she’d been defending Xander when he said stuff like that for years, and Buffy was her best friend. “Well, beryl is a kind of mineral, and so is malachite, I guess if you put it that way, they do all sound like rocks.” Now it was Willow’s turn to receive the confused gazes of Spike and Xander.
“Actually, I just wondered why their names all ended with ‘ite’,” Spike said, “Does Serena’s friend Molly remind anyone of the Slayer’s Mum?” he threw out.
“Leave my mother out of this.” Buffy demanded.
“No. After all, neither one of them figured anything out, your mum only found out when you were forced to tell her.“ Spike said determined to needle the Slayer some more, “Not to mention the physical resemblances. They’ve got the same hair, and from what I’ve heard about that episode with the chocolate, she was a lot like Molly when she was that age too. Oh, yeah and they both fell for evil monsters.”
At that point the conversation degenerated into speculation as to whether Artemis was a good equivalent to Ms. Calender, or whether Wesley was a better choice. Buffy barely heard any of it as she thought about her friends’ perspectives on Darien as opposed to Angel, on Faith, and on her and she realised something.
Buffy hadn’t even noticed she was heading for the door when she heard Willow ask where she was going. “Out.” she said. During the long drive to LA thoughts kept on flitting through her head. Why is Angel definitely at fault for what he did when he had no soul, but Darien isn’t evil for doing stuff when he was brainwashed. In fact, if the person is completely gone when the soul is, why can’t Giles see that with Angel? Why didn’t anyone yell at me when I was being irrational about Ms. Calender or Faith?
The answers were all too clear suddenly, as she pulled up outside Cordelia’s. Inside, the only friends she’d ever really had were waiting. While Cordelia may not have been the closest friend Buffy had, she had always tried to tell Buffy when she thought Buffy was doing something stupid. She had had similar problems to Buffy’s, the wonderful, happy, American dream-like upbringing, the vapid friends, the dissolution of what she’d held dear with the discovery that there were more important things. Unlike Willow or Xander who hadn’t had anything or anyone to start, and had gained a purpose since Buffy arrived in Sunnydale, Cordelia knew what it was like to see one’s purpose fall to pieces.
Wesley knew that too, had only been doing what he thought was best, hadn’t been a hypocrite when he’d seen Angel turn evil. Lastly there was Angel, who’d never understood that it wasn’t his fault, who never got that just because people blamed him didn’t mean he was wrong, and who had always been there for Buffy, whether to really listen, or to tell her she was wrong. Buffy understood now too, why she and Faith never got along. Looking at the other’s life through rose coloured glasses had destroyed their friendship more surely than any of Xander’s false sense of injury.
She mounted the stairs to Cordelia’s place, and knocked on the door. As she stood there facing her true love, and her friends, she pulled herself together to explain why she was here.
“Hey.” Standing there were Cordelia, Angel, Wesley, some black guy she didn’t know, and Faith. “Um, when did Faith get out of jail?” Buffy cringed inwardly as she realised that what she’d just said was not going to help her case of pleading forgiveness.
Angel’s response was nothing short of what Buffy deserved, “Why, so you can threaten to kill her and be irrational about forgiving her?”
“No, I came here to apologise to you guys and-” Buffy never got a chance to finish as Cordelia interrupted.
“Oh, so you can wrap Angel around your fingers and he’ll be your little slave vamp?”
“Easy Cordy,” Faith said. “It’s not as though you, me and Angel haven’t ever hurt her. To answer your question B, I got out on parole after they couldn’t really pin me with anything. I’m gettin’ counselling and stuff.”
Buffy looked at the girl she had almost thought of as a sister, the man she had practically been married to, took a deep breath, and started into her apology.
“Faith, I . . . I don’t know how to explain this. You see, I know I owe you an apology for how I treated you before. I was wrong, but I want you to understand why.”
Angel wasn’t up to hearing anything on the matter and strode to the door intent on shutting it in Buffy’s face. “I can’t believe you. First you use your friends, family, and me, and now you’re using Faith. Not to mention the promises you’ve broken-”
That was when Buffy finally snapped, “Used my friends? All right let’s see when did I use them? When I gave Willow the self-confidence to become the confident, witty, and outgoing bisexual witch she is today? Or was it when I didn’t betray you, Xander and Willow by taking the easy route out and dating Xander? Or was it when I tried my damndest to get Faith to understand she could trust me? Huh?” Buffy was now on a roll, “Was it when my own mother told me that I had to choose between her and the whole damn world, or when Xander lied to me about Willow trying the curse again because he’s always been jealous of you? Was it when I ran away because staying in Sunnydale another minute meant I would have killed myself? Was it when I tried to move on because you told me to?” as Buffy ranted the others started to exchange nervous looks, “Or could it be because you thought I didn’t remember Thanksgiving when you were human and we broke the kitchen table?”
Cordelia broke in, “Eeww, I did not need to hear that! I am now scarred for life! Why is it when I think things can’t get any more icky-”
Angel softly broke in on her tirade, “You remembered? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Buffy sighed, “Because you gave up so much for me, didn’t want me to remember, wanted me to move on, to fall in love with someone else. If I’d told you I remembered, I never would have been able to leave until I convinced you we should stay together.” she had tears in her eyes when she looked up at him. “I love you Angel, and what I did to you was reprehensible, but quite frankly I did that to you because I can’t afford to do it to Xander Willow and Giles.”
That got Cordelia’s attention and she stared at Buffy, “You broke Angel’s heart because you can’t afford to do it to Xander, Willow, and Giles?”
“No. I took out all my frustrations on Angel because if I do that to the others, I’ll lose them. I was always able to count on Angel to be there if I needed to just talk my feelings out. When he left, I had no one to talk to. No one to explain my frustrations to.”
Wesley chose that moment to join in, “What about Willow or Xander?”
“What about them? They haven’t trusted my judgment ever since Angel lost his soul after my seventeenth birthday. I was blamed for it, and ever since then they’ve decided that I can’t be trusted around Angel, that Angel is the scum of the earth, and that I’m so much better off with a guy who’s a complete moron but human than Angel.”
Finally the others were mercifully silent. “Giles knows better than anyone that Angel and his evil twin aren’t the same person, that the person with a soul may have the memories, skills, experiences, and preferences of the vampire they become, but the lack of a conscience creates such a huge difference, they might as well be different people. Yet he insists on feeling betrayed because I love someone who coincidentally looks the same as the demon that tortured him and killed Ms. Calendar.”
Angel looked at Buffy with eyes that were abruptly tortured, “Buffy, you know that I-”
“That’s my point Angel, you would never do any of those things. You would rather kill yourself than do that stuff, and yet you act as though you’re to blame. Can’t you see that you and your demon are different?”
“I remember-”
“Someone else’s memories. Did it ever occur to you to wonder why there’s a time lapse between when you get your soul back and you remember everything that’s happened? It’s because those memories aren’t yours. Your real memories are from the time you were human, to when you died, and the from when you got your soul back to when you lost it, and then from when you got your soul back again to the present. You didn’t do any of the things that happened when Angelus was out doing bad stuff. You should understand this. Hell, Spike gets it!”
“What does Spike have to do with anything?” Angel demanded, “Is he still in Sunnydale?”
Buffy smiled slightly at that. “He’s got this chip in his head. You know those commandos that Riley used to be a part of? Well they put this thing in Spike’s head, and now, whenever he tries to hurt any living human he says, and I quote, ‘It feels like hot pokers being driven through my skull.’”
“I wanna rewind and find out why B thinks that she needs to apologise to me.” Faith said.
“You have to ask? I was a complete bitch to you. I mean, I knew that you were sorry for the things you’d done, and I refused to even listen to you.”
Faith stared, “I tried to kill Angel, tried to kill you, joined up with the bad guys, stole your body and slept with your boyfriend, threatened your mother and friends, left you to be picked up by the Watcher’s Council, made fun of you, tried to steal your friends-”
“Were envious of me, couldn’t understand the basics inherent in friendship, didn’t have the benefit of a family and friends ever, misunderstood, alone, the other things were consequences of ignoring or ignorance of these things.” Buffy took a deep breath. “I’m not saying you didn’t do bad things. I’m saying that a lot of it could have been prevented if we had been more understanding of you.
“I realise that now. The problem was that when I came down those stairs and saw you and Angel hugging, I . . . I just lost it. You see Faith, I had tried my damndest to get through to you since we first met. You remember when you snuck up on me right after you woke up? The conversation you interrupted? I had just suggested to Willow that it was possible you wanted to make things up. It wasn’t until I saw you and Angel hugging that I decided to be angry with you over it. You see I’d had to listen to everyone tell me over and over, that you were irredeemable. Willow, Xander, Giles, even Angel. To see that Angel, one of the strongest doubters, had managed to turn you around, overnight, not to mention the jealousy factor, and I just lost it. It’s not fair to put huge amounts of effort into something, and then see someone else do it like that!” she snapped her fingers for emphasis.
Angel, Wesley, Cordelia, and Faith all choked for a moment “Easy!?” they chorused. Angel continued, “You think that was easy?”
“No.” Buffy said, “But you gotta admit, a year of hard work versus three days? I didn’t see any of the effort after all, I’m talking emotionally here people. If I were talking intellectually it would be different.” She shrugged and continued, “If everyone acted logically rather than emotionally, we wouldn’t have half the problems we do today. I’m talking about putting a year of effort into something--something that no one else believed in, then to see a disbeliever manage to do something I failed at in a couple of days, that just exacerbated the fact that I’ve always been jealous of Faith.”
“Jealous of me?” That had completely befuddled Faith. “Why would you be jealous of me?”
Buffy smiled sadly at her sister slayer and shook her head, “You were free.”
“Free?” Cordelia, Wesley and Faith chorused. Angel stared at Buffy, silent. Gunn had quietly faded into the background, too interested to leave, but smart enough to know better than to get involved in something he knew nothing about.
“Free Faith. You didn’t have to worry about what anyone else thought of you. When you didn’t want to do something, you left. You weren’t always having to be the responsible one. You were simply Faith. In my life I had to play bestest buddy with Willow, avoid damaging Xander’s delicate sensibilities, be the good Slayer, perfect daughter, I was accused of troublemaking in school and so had to play a role to deal with that. Even before I became the Slayer I had to pretend within an inch of my life. That my parents weren’t killing me slowly with their arguing, that I didn’t care that I had no real friends, that I enjoyed slaving away to always be the most popular girl in school because I wasn’t good enough in school to be a good student.” Silence now answered her.
“Even with Angel I had to pretend. It’s not that Angel was won through my pretending to be someone else, but I always tried to hide any impulses I thought were petty from Angel, because he always told me I was his reason for fighting and I wanted to live up to that. Faith, you always simply were. I envied that.”
They all stared at Buffy. Not a one had ever thought that Buffy might have felt this way. Angel broke the silence, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want you to be burdened with my problems. You took on so much of my stuff, I didn’t want you to have to deal with that on top of your own.” Buffy shrugged.
Cordelia’s interjection was sudden and threw everyone but Buffy for a loop, “Boy, have I been there.” When the others stared at her she shrugged and explained. “Guys, you didn’t honestly think that I was as stupid as I seemed in Sunnydale and then coming to LA somehow altered my genetic structure to make me a less shallow person did you? I can totally see where Buffy is coming from on the pretending stuff.”
With that admission of understanding the talk started. After Buffy laying her soul bare the others had felt they could do no less and the myriad misunderstandings that had plagued the small group were resolved for the first time. When Buffy went back to Sunnydale she returned with a lighter heart. Before she left though, Angel asked her what had brought on her sudden need to unburden herself.
“I had a revelation.”
FIN
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