BtVS songfic: Made By Love (1)
Title: Made by Love
Author: SCWLC
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, and I don't own the song. That's from the Mediaeval Baebes CD, "Worldes Blysse."
Rating: PG I guess. PG-13 max.
Summary: Years down the line from the present, (ignoring Cordy's ascension since I plan to) really pissed Oracles reunite Angel and Buffy.
Distribution: If you want it, take it. Just tell me what happened to it. It'll eventually be up a ff.net, under my pen name SCWLC.
Feedback: Comments? Questions? Complaints? Write me at scwlc@yahoo.ca
Notes: Hey look! Another songfic! I just can't help myself. I want to apologize in advance to anyone I offend with this story. Also, I'm glad that this didn't turn into too much of an angst-fest. I was actually gonna write something pretty different involving suicide and some other grimness, but it didn't work out and I got this instead. I want to thank everyone who's sent me feedback, especially those authors I should be sending feedback to. (Meaning anyone posting fic at BA Fluff or at ABT who's ever sent me feedback. You know who you are, and putting together a list is more trouble than I want to go to since I'm really lazy (flutters eyelashes becomingly))
*******
Buffy sat in Angel's old apartment, looking at the place that had once meant shelter for her. His bed used to sit in that corner, his statue against this wall, and he used to be here when she needed him.
No more. He was far away, no doubt celebrating the great victory. Her friends, Dawn, everyone who had been aware of the miraculous eleventh hour rescue of the world were doing so. She could not.
//Love me broughte (Love delivered me)//
At one time Angel had rescued her from demons of all kinds, her own and the slimy type. At one time, he had saved her friends, and thus saved her. Rescued her from loneliness and the darkness that was her life as the Slayer. He was somewhere else, no doubt having forgotten her and their last encounter. She had not. She never would. He and his gang had appeared, and she had found herself alone with him, and with no business left to discuss, the conversation had turned personal.
"So, are you seeing anyone?" he had asked.
Buffy looked away from her broadsword, to fix him with a look to let him know she didn't want to talk about it, "No."
He seemed taken aback, as though he had expected her to be, "Why? Haven't found anyone worth it?" It was the all too friendly nosiness, combined with the hurt of seeing him arrive on Cordelia's arm, that had changed her look from simply being closed, to being the openly hostile glare she used to send demons scurrying. Angel frowned and shifted uncomfortably.
"No."
"Buffy, we can't spend the rest of the day like this," he gestured at her, "If you're angry with me, maybe we could talk this out." He smiled at her, open, cheerful and giving what looked like from-the-heart psychobabble. Buffy wondered with a vague feeling of horror what Cordelia had done to him in LA. All she did outwardly was raise an eyebrow and return her attention to her sword.
//And love me wroughte (And love created me)//
She wondered now, if he had forgotten the role he had played in making her who she was today. Had he remembered in the back room of the Magic Box as she cleaned a sword and resisted the urge to ask him why she suffered for his sins? Did he lie awake at night as she did, feeling the pain of his absence and nailing her window shut so she wouldn't climb out to visit him?
It was always so hard, and it kept getting harder as her friends found lovers and spouses, while she couldn't even find a date. She could not because it was wrong. It betrayed the love she felt for Angel, it betrayed her calling and it always hurt those she cared for most. Only Angel had not felt like a betrayal, and yet he was the worst of all. His quiet strength had taught her so much of who and what she was, but somehow he had forgotten.
He shook his head, "Buffy. You know I didn't expect you to be single for the rest of your life." Angel came closer and laid a hand on Buffy's shoulder, "I realise the breakup with Riley was hard, but you have to move on. Look at me-"
She turned eyes on him that positively blazed stunned incredulity, "Difficult? Look at you? You're dating Cordelia! Since when did you decide to do an about face on your dating preferences?" She was amazed he would suggest she look to him and Cordy for an example of a happy relationship.
"Cordelia has become so selfless, and good, and kind," Angel spoke firmly, "She has been a light for me. She helped me through a very hard time in my life . . ." As his voice faded away, Buffy remembered when the words he was speaking had been reserved for her, and her alone.
//Man, to be thy fere (To be your companion mankind)//
Selfless? She had given up everything that gave her happiness for this benighted world, had torn herself apart for him, and for her friends, and what she got from it was her soulmate deciding that she needed a normal life. For all it had gotten her, she might have been happier living in a cave the way the First Slayer had. Paradoxically, Angel had been the one who had taught her the skills needed to be a true slayer and not merely a girl who killed vampires. Angel had trained her in means and methods Giles had not, and had given her the ruthlessness she needed as a slayer.
Angel had molded her into the perfect protector for humanity, and now it seemed as though he had completely forgotten those lesson he taught her. While she had martyred herself in the name of humanity, he had done virtually the reverse. She had once thought that they were the sort of people who never received anything in return for their efforts. Now she knew it was just her.
************
//Love me fedde (Love sustained me)//
Angel stood outside the apartment. She was inside, he knew that much, but what sort of welcome he would receive was uncertain. Several days ago he had dared to compare his relationship with Cordelia to Buffy's frequent visits to Spike's crypt. The simple fact was that there was no comparison. For while Buffy and Spike used each other with joyous abandon, at least she wasn't living in a fantasy created by desperation. She wasn't pretending that she loved Spike, wasn't letting them both live a lie for the sake of appearances while knowing the real reason she wouldn't break up was that it was too complicated to deal with the fallout from the breakup.
All the time he had been with Cordelia the vision of Buffy on the steps of her high school all those years ago, sucking on a lollipop, had kept him going. Not Cordelia's whispered declarations of love, or Fred and Lorne's protestations of moira and kyerumption.
Buffy had used Spike as a convenience. She had not claimed she loved him and when the time came for her to put an end to their relationship, had done so with little compunction. On the other hand, Buffy had found herself with fewer and fewer friends to rely on as the years went by, while Angel had gained friendships. Cordelia's support had kept him going in her own way, while Buffy had to rely on herself alone.
//And love me ledde (And love guided me)//
It was ironic that Buffy had taught him the importance of such relationships and ties to the world while she continually seemed to lose those ties. Then again, his love of Buffy was what brought him to this point in his life. His shanshu achieved, he still stood before the door to the apartment contemplating what the best strategy would be to approach her. "Hi honey, I'm human, wanna shag?" didn't seem the best way to go about it.
And he did have to tell her. That had become sparklingly evident last night when the Oracles had appeared in his dream and heartily reprimanded him for still sleeping with Cordelia. "Why are you here lower being?" the male had demanded.
Angel glanced around his and Cordelia's bedroom, "Because this is my home?" he replied hesitantly.
"You have abandoned your home," the female said sternly, "You have abandoned your love."
Angel glanced at Cordelia, but was prevented from speaking by the male's next words, "She is not your love, for you do not love her." At Angel's motion of protest the male glared at him, "Be silent until you have permission to speak! I did not say you do not care for the seer, merely that you do not love her."
The female tilted her head and considered Cordelia's sleeping form, "Although how you have reached the decision to abandon the love that is so apparent within your heart for this," her voice spoke volumes of disgust, "Is utterly beyond me. Perhaps it is merely the workings of the mind of a lower being as yourself."
Angel frowned in confusion, "I thought you said I wasn't a lower being-"
"Silence!" the pair chorused, the female continued, "That was because of your willingness to sacrifice for the purity of your love. That you have forgotten this love is an act so appalling as to lower you beneath contempt."
As she pinned Angel to the bed with her furious glare, the male took up the thread of the pair's rant, "Unfortunately, the Slayer needs your presence. She is one of our greatest warriors and to lose her would be tragic," his face was chagrined, "Thus, instead of leaving you to the misery you would have consigned yourself to, we must insist that you recall your purpose and return to it."
Finally they nodded at Angel to allow him to speak, and he said the first thing that popped into his mind, "Aren't you dead?" Then he slapped himself mentally for asking that.
"It is now difficult to manifest ourselves on this plane due to the actions of Vocah, but you of all beings should know that the death of the physical body does not mean the ending of the spiritual." The male gave a heavy sigh, then spoke, his tone of voice indicating he disagreed with every word, but would say them because he had to, "You have been given your redemption that you might be with your soulmate. For the final part of this gift is that you ease the hurt you have caused for the greater good," his voice changed from merely rebellious to stern, "If you do not, your humanity shall be taken from you and you will once again carry the burden of vampirism."
Angel bolted from his bed and barely paused to throw on some clothes, hearing the male say as he did so, "He is a lower being. His sole desire is for himself, to avoid the fate he has earned." Angel ignored the two as he shoved his shoes onto his feet and bolted for the door.
As he left he heard the female say, "Peace. He has merely forgotten. The sight of his mate will restore the warrior."
************
Standing in the middle of the room now, Buffy stared at the door. Her errant mind recalling the horrible scene that had taken place there the day after her birthday. All her love, her devotion, everything she had given Angel had been thrown in her face here.
//Love me lettet here (Love abandoned me here)//
Her life had fallen into a million pieces here and she had never picked them up. She had simply hidden behind the few she could place as a screen between her and the world. Naturally, every time Angel came to Sunnydale to see her or she went to LA to see him, her delicately rebuilt walls shattered. And every time, there were more pieces to pick up.
But the first time was always the worst in memory. Perhaps because of the shock. Nothing like that had ever happened to her. Certainly her father had abandoned Dawn and her, but it had not been with the sheer horror inspiring viciousness that Angelus had attacked her with. She had been dumped before, but then, she had never loved anyone the way she loved Angel. The fact was the only people she had ever loved with the same intensity as him were her mother and Dawn. That was hardly comparable of course.
The things he said that day still haunted her, and standing in the room where a man wearing his face had broken both her heart and her brought the memories to bear with more pain than ever. He had broken her again and again after that, during those months he was Angelus, when he left her standing amongst the smoke and sirens and simply turned his back on her without a word and walked away. The first time still remained the worst. Ironic that it should be the same place as her one moment of pure joy.
//Love me slou (Love killed me)//
Outside, frozen by the memories associated with the woman behind the door, Angel controlled his shudders as the place brought to mind the morning she killed him. Here was where he had shattered her nearly beyond repair, but it was at the mansion they had both studiously avoided for years that their worlds had truly crumbled.
He could still remember the confusion and pain, and worse, he could remember being sucked into the vortex not knowing why she made no move to help him. The memories had returned in Hell. The first of many torments heaped upon him, but hardly the worst. The hardest part was imagining what it must have been like for her to kill her lover. Her love had torn his soul away, and for that she had to kill him.
****
Buffy had another death on her mind entirely. The one she had suffered at sixteen for the fate of the world. Thoughts of that inevitably lead to the second however. The one that she had committed for her sister, not for the world. The first time it had been for people everywhere. The second, just so that her sister could have the life Buffy wanted for her.
//And love me brou (And love dragged me)//
Instead of honouring the sacrifice Buffy had made for her sister, and for everyone she loved, they had pulled her from her place in Heaven. Had forced her into continuing in a life where everything was so much harder than it had ever been before, because now she knew the peace she did not have in life could only come with death. It was all the worse knowing their love had been what took her from Heaven. Their love had also kept her in Sunnydale and away from her soulmate.
When she had finally realised that she wasn't in Hell, merely on Earth, she had wanted to go to him. Willow and the others had claimed they needed her. They needed her so much she could not be allowed any time to recover. She was to return to who she was before she died simply because their love demanded it. Over and over she heard the whispers.
"Why isn't Buffy back to normal yet? It's been a week already!"
"I just wanted her to say thank you. I mean, she was dead! We brought her back. She should be happy!"
"So she was in Heaven. Big whoop. If it's anything like Hell, only in reverse it can't be that big a deal. Angel was fine right after he got back."
"Don't mention Angel!"
No. Don't mention Angel. Don't remind her that she had enough in the way of pain and suffering before she had months of undisturbed joy to compare it with. Don't remind her of the only person to ever give her anything that could compare with Heaven.
So she didn't call, didn't say anything until Angel asked to meet with her. When her friends could not accuse her of selfishness she went. Two hours with him and the whole world had fallen back into place. Over time the effect of his words and presence had faded. The constant pressure to conform to her friends' ideal took its toll. She felt more dead now than when she had first risen from the grave.
//Love me layd on bere (Love laid me on the bier)//
*******
Angel thought back to a couple days before when he and Cordelia had been talking about their future together. It was a future he could no longer understand the reasoning behind, but they had spoken of it at great length.
"So, since you're human and everything, there must be stuff you want to do," Cordelia had said.
Angel had just looked at her wondering what she meant. "What do you mean?"
"Like, watching the sun rise every morning, or . . . picnics at noon every day. A skylight in your room?" She looked at him as though he was nuts. He had to admit she had a point, if he had been yearning after being human for so long why wasn't he making more plans that involved human-specific activities?
"I live on the second floor of the hotel Cordy," he replied, to stall for time, "I'm not exactly going to get anything but a view of the ceiling of the room over mine if I do that."
She glared at him. "You know damn well what I mean Angel."
"I do," he turned his face up to let the sun bathe it in a way he would never take for granted again. "I just never thought it would come so soon. I guess I don't know what I want to do now that I have a life again."
"Well you'd better think of something soon," came her cranky reply, "You don't have eternity anymore y'know." Her face had softened then and she'd laid her hand on his arm saying, "I can't wait to show you everything you've been missing."
They'd smiled, and Angel had let her kiss him even though he really wanted to just bask in the sun alone. The conversation had continued, mainly through sheer will on Cordelia's part. He had stood, allowing her to ramble about how they could have children. Funny how the moment he and Cordelia started to date he'd lost all interest in children. She spoke of their wedding plans. He had less interest in those plans than he did in the children. The many illegal places he would have to go to get the needed ID to survive in this day and age and many other topics were covered. Angel trusted Cordelia to bring them up ad nauseum so he wouldn't have to remember them.
Outside the door to his old apartment with Buffy on the other side, those myriad issues Cordelia had raised suddenly had importance.
//Love is me pes (Love is my peace)
For love I ches (For love I chose)//
In 1952 he had crossed a line. He had allowed a demon to murder a hotel full of people and had condemned a woman to a life of lonely madness. Their only crime having been the fear inspired in them by the demon. In 1996 he had crossed that line again, this time in reverse. It had been because of another woman. The one on the other side of the door who was really a girl at the time she had changed him. Buffy had shown him what love was, and in so doing had restored a love for the world he had thought lost for centuries. To be truly honest with himself, one he had never had.
That love had spurred him to do things he would never have contemplated before. Sacrificing his mental and physical wellbeing repeatedly, he had struggled in order to defend humanity against its ills. That had been what allowed him to forgive Buffy the wrongs she had committed against him.
//Man to buyen dere (To redeem mankind at great cost)//
************
Unwittingly both had moved closer to the door, and were now standing facing one another through the metal. Neither consciously knowing the other was there. For the first time in months Buffy began to feel more like herself. For a brief while there had been no one telling her what to do or how to feel, and she thought somehow being in Angel's apartment was allowing her the needed closure to move on with her life.
She had come to his apartment to escape her dread of the rest of her life. Instead, she had found what might be termed serenity. It might be, but she felt too full of bubbling excitement to name it that.
//Ne dred thee nought (You should fear nothing)//
Angel stood on the other side, trying to gain the courage to walk through the door. He had an almost childlike terror of what Buffy would say to him once he explained why he was there. In a sudden burst of understanding he realised that there was no need for prepared speeches between them. She had known, and always would know, his heart, mind and soul.
//I have thee sought (I have looked for you)
Bothen day and night (Both day and night)//
Deciding to get it over with, Angel opened the door and walked through, right into the object of his affections. This caused both to lose their balance and tumble to the floor in an ignominious tangle. When they had finally sorted them selves out, Angel looked up from where he had wound up on the floor into Buffy's eyes. One eyebrow was raised in a move to make Spock proud, but he could also see the humour starting to quirk her mouth at the edges.
"Uh, this isn't exactly how I imagined this going," Angel said. The other eyebrow went up, and her head tilted as she silently inquired what he was talking about. "Our reunion," he said, then mentally slapped himself. She may have been his soulmate, but that didn't mean she was a mind reader. She sat back on her heels and simply waited for him to speak.
"I got a visit from the Oracles earlier today and they told me that if I didn't come here I would go back to being a vampire. I was supposed to be with you and not Cordelia," Angel was about to continue when he saw the look on her face.
Something in her eyes seemed to die, and she said, "I see."
She felt sick. He had essentially told her he was there for nothing more than to keep his humanity. He didn't love her, and it seemed he never would again. She closed her eyes against the pain; unable to face him when she opened them. Because of this, she didn't see the confusion on his face. "I guess we have to get back together then," her voice was devoid of emotion even as she struggled to keep from collapsing to the floor in grief. "I just want you to know that I'll understand if you and Cordelia . . . " she trailed off suggestively.
Angel stared at her in shock until the real meaning of her behaviour sank into his mind. He grabbed her and forced her to look him in the eye. "Buffy, I didn't come here because it was necessary to keep my humanity," he paused to let the words reach her. "I came because the Oracles reminded me who it was I really love." Angel's eyes caught hers and held as he said, "I love you Buffy. I never loved Cordelia as anything more than a friend. I'm just such an idiot it took the threat of someone taking away my humanity to realise it."
Buffy just stared at him uncomprehending for several seconds while his words penetrated. When they did the change was nearly miraculous, Angel thought. Her face, always beautiful, was transfigured with joy and she threw herself into his arms.
//To haven thee (In order to be your haven)//
Angel wrapped his arms around her saying, "Never again. If I'm ever that stupid again just-"
"Beat you over the head until you stop?" Buffy suggested, a note of impudence and mischief long missing from her voice returning.
Angel chuckled, "Something like that."
//Well is me (I have done well)//
Suddenly Buffy was giggling. "What?" Angel asked, pulling far enough away from her to look at her.
"I was just thinking," she snickered, "About how that cliché about today being the first day of the rest of our lives applies way to well to us."
Angel raised an eyebrow, "While I see that, I don't really see what's funny about it."
She smiled up at him and Angel was briefly distracted by something else about which many more cliches are written. "Well, it's just that we used to be these warriors fighting big apocalyptic battles, and now our lives have been reduced to a really goofy cliché."
"Well, when you put it that way," Angel said consideringly, "I don't much care." Then he kissed her.
//I have thee wonnen in fight (I have won you in battle)//
The End
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