BtVS songfic: Sight
Title: Sight
Author: SCWLC
Summary: B/S, and no I haven't gone turncoat.
Spoilers: Nothing in particular I can think of, unless you're a Buffy fan who is, in fact, unaware of any of the developments of S6. Otherwise no.
Disclaimer: The characters are owner by Joss Whedon et al., and the song is owned by Mary MacDonald, and I got it off of the album "Celtic Voices".
Rating: PG to be safe.
Distribution: If you want this, or anything of mine in point of fact, just let me know where you're taking it.
Notes: To those who may be wondering whether or not I'm alive, to all the BA Fluff members, and most especially to all those authors to whom I haven't been sending any feedback even though I should (Tango, Ducks, Mariah, indie etc. etc.) and to anyone who still lives in the hope that someday on a distant planet somewhere in the galaxy Buffy and Angel will get to be together, I dedicate this to you. No, I don't know why. Just go with it.
Notes 2: I put this together on inspiration. I know it's short. Feedback: Comments? Questions? Complaints? Calls for me to bloody stop with the songfics?
*****
//When you wake in the morning
It's always there//
Buffy rolled over and looked at him sleeping next to her. He always looked so innocent when he was asleep. It was as though the horrors of his past and present just smoothed away leaving his handsome face in repose. She found herself in his bed more often than not of late, waking up to him beside her and him waking up to her hurrying home lest Dawn worry. He kept their meetings a secret at her behest, but sometimes she wondered why. It hurt in a way that he didn't insist more that she tell the others.
//This love that aches//
Seeing him just before he woke was always bittersweet. That moment when she could close her eyes and feel loved all over again as always marred by the knowledge of how much of a lie this was. It always would be. There were moments when she could almost convince herself otherwise, but they were few and getting fewer.
//This love that's breakin' you,
That goes nowhere//
How it hurt to admit that she couldn't go on like this. She was losing sight of herself. As she had every morning for months, Buffy swore she wouldn't come back. She swore she would not let him win this. It, like so much else in her life, was a lie. She was trapped in an endless circle of love, hate and lust. The more she struggled to escape the tighter it became. Sometimes she felt like that queen in "Alice in Wonderland". The one who said that she had to keep running just to stay in one place.
That was a better metaphor. She wasn't trying to catch up to anyone anymore. Not her friends, not to him, and not to her life. She was trying to keep from being left behind completely. The nightly wear and tear of slaying was leaving its mark on her. He kept her from going mad from it. He matched her in ways no one else could. //Traitor// her mind whispered.
//And though you call out his name
It's empty air//
He was strong and fast and understood the hunter within her. So they had come together. It was logical given the circumstances. He had said as much repeatedly. On some level she must have agreed with him because it was the only reason she could fathom herself still being here. It wasn't what he'd said.
//For after all his words of love
He's just not there//
He didn't love her.
//Oh fool, to try to find love
Where love can't be found//
She wasn't looking for love. She had her sister's love, her friends', Giles, why would she need his? It was a mutual convenience and understanding that had brought them together. The unofficial truce between the two combined with simple visceral attraction. After all, he was a very good-looking man. She didn't need to justify their sleeping together for anyone. Not even herself.
//Oh fool, to try to harvest
On barren ground//
When she had thrown him out of the house that evening and he had given her that jaunty wave, knowing, as he always did, that he had won that round the same as all the others she had almost asked herself why. She had stopped before the thought was fully formed. She knew why. It wasn't love. They were simply fulfilling a need both felt for . . . companionship. That was safe enough. No! Not safe. Fact. They were together this morning as they had been for the past month because it was depressing being around all the lovey-dovey couples in her house and not have anyone to snuggle with.
//But when he looked at you
As he left tonight//
Remembering the moment he left with a sarcastic salute her way and a gently sweet one to Dawn, Buffy knew damn well that having someone to snuggle with wasn't it. Even after he had turned away and vanished into the night she could still feel those steely orbs burning into her.
//You saw his eyes//
In that brief moment before he had turned, before the salute and sarcastically cryptic quip thrown her way about their clandestine meeting that night his eyes had been like ice. Once, she had gotten a wart on her hand that had needed treatment with liquid nitrogen. It had been just like that for one moment. That sensation of sheer burning cold slamming into her chest. Then the moment had been over. Paradoxically it had lingered all evening until she had shown up at his door where he had been waiting.
//Cold eyes//
Buffy tried to force herself to think of something else. Still her thoughts simply circled right back to those few times that they had done what they did in her room at home. It had been strange watching him be the one to leave for a change. She had almost asked why he was leaving if he wanted her friends to know about them. All he had to do was stay.
//When you wake in the morning
He might be there//
He had just smiled at her in that way that was both caring and terrifying. It never reached his eyes. He had smirked and asked whether she was falling in love with him the way he had for her.
//This loves that aches,
This love that's tearing you//
It had nothing to do with love. She was simply curious. She knew he didn't love her. She didn't love him. For a moment she allowed herself to remember why. Dark eyes as full of warmth and caring as the other's were not looked at her from memory. There had been love. That was gone now for all that she had begged, pleaded and cried. Months ago there had been a moment when she thought it was possible the owner of those darker eyes would come back.
//He just might stay//
That thought was banished as the one she was with began to stir. Buffy applied herself to dressing to get out before he woke. She might even manage to do it this time. She could always hope. She could also start hoping he would change in the nights when they were together into someone else. She could hope she would become someone else. Someone strong enough to not care, to walk away or even to kill him. She came every night anyway.
//And though you're reaching out for him
It's empty air//
When she was in his arms he was rock solid. Hard, firm, she could feel him anchoring her. Without him she might have drifted off a long time ago. Somehow he felt even less real than Riley had. The only time she could remember feeling truly present with someone had been that sole time with . . . her mind shied away from the name, from everything associated with the memory. Nothing good ever came of them. He and her friends had assured her of that. They had to be right, they had her best interests at heart. They wanted her to be happy and find love again.
//For after all his words of love
He's just not there//
This had nothing to do with love.
//Oh fool, to try to find love
Where love can't be found
Oh fool, to try to harvest
On barren ground//
She was with him now because it was better than lying awake at night thinking about all the things she shouldn't. Days kept her from pondering too closely, patrol kept her thoughts on the work at hand, but late into the night she would find herself with him because he kept her from thinking. She shouldn't think. It only took her to bad places. Faith waited there, and Darla, Drusilla, a hundred dead souls, and one that still lived even though the man who bore it was long dead.
//But when he looked at you
As he left tonight//
She wrenched herself away from the thoughts to find him looking at her from the bed. He stretched and smiled lazily as he always did. She shivered, feeling his gaze on her.
//You saw his eyes
Cold eyes//
"Morning," he said, "Leavin' so late? Normally you're fleeing my presence far earlier." He stood and walked over to her, every line of his impressively nude body oozing arrogance.
//Oh fool, to try to find love
Where love can't be found//
She scrambled into the last of her clothes, grabbing last night's slaying supplies. "Shut up," she said knowing it to be neither effective nor creative. Nor was it even what she had promised herself she would say.
"Why?" his smirking amusement made her grind her teeth even as she resisted the urge to do something to him. Anything to make him stop this charade. "You don't care what I think or say or do. What should it matter if I happen to express surprise you haven't run away yet?"
The bitterness his voice couldn't quite conceal made her pause for a moment, but she pulled herself together. "I just want you out of my life."
"That's not what you were sayin' last night." Again that trace of hurt.
//Oh fool, to try to harvest
On barren ground//
She believed him. She looked into his face and saw the pain he felt at her constant rejection. Saw nothing behind the smug mask he displayed to the world. Standing and looking into his face there was nothing there but the arrogance he wore as a shield against those who would hurt him, and the little boy behind it who just wanted love.
//But when he looked at you//
She stepped closer, saw something indefinable flash in his eyes and felt her hand twitch in preparation to reach for him.
//As he left tonight//
Her mind flashed back to the first time she had seen him years before. Flashed through every time since. Her gaze rose until it met his.
//You saw his eyes//
The shudder that went through her was quickly suppressed. She spun on her heel and hurried out of the room for home. She saw the sun coming over the horizon and thanked it for the distraction and protection it provided her. The way it kept his cursing behind her where she could let it fade and ignore it. The way it too protected her from memories she pulled away from even now.
She ran home feeling the whole way as though she would never get there and simply spend her eternity running through the graveyard to escape what she was supposed to avoid. Circling around but never coming closer or going farther from those things that defined her circle.
//Cold eyes//
Love had nothing to do with it
Fin
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