BtVS Songfic: She Said
She Said
by SCWLC
Disclaimer: If I owned `em I wouldn't be looking for a job right now.
Rating: Eh. R to be safe. More AA than anything.
Spoilers: Um... Kinda? It's hard to say really.
Summary: Y'know when Angel's dream-boinking Cordy? That little moment when he looks up and gasps Buffy's name? Well this is what goes through his mind between opening his eyes and saying "Buffy." Two seconds in five pages.
Notes: TaTu (or however the hell that group writes the name) performs this song. I don't know the name of the CD and I don't really know the song well, but I heard it and I just knew I had to write a songfic to it. So I looked up the lyrics and there they are below. I do suggest listening to the song once so you have it in mind when you're reading.
Notes2: This is highly abstract so if you don't get it don't worry. I just kinda had to get it out of my system. People who might be offended by my bit of Catholicism tossed in near the end don't read.
Feedback: I got practically no feeders for my last story "Pop! Goes the . . . What?" so I'm gonna debase myself and request that someone tell me something about this one. Write me at scwlc@yahoo.ca.
//All the things she said//
"Maybe I like you."
"Maybe?"
//All the things she said//
"Do you snore?"
//Running through my head//
". . . I just keep wanting to kiss you."
"Kiss me?"
//All the things she said//
"Love makes ya do the wacky."
//All the things she said//
"I love you. I don't know if I can trust you."
//Running through my head//
*Cordelia?*
//This is not enough//
His eyes wide in shock Angel stared down at the woman beneath him and saw striped hair, brown eyes and felt a body that was not as strong, not as lithe, and just didn't fit. The moment was slipping away and felt his joy spiral away. Too late.
//I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost
If I'm asking for help it's only because//
He silently pleaded with her to be something she wasn't and never could be. Cordelia simply lay there, not understanding, not seeing his horror. The last vestiges of his dream faded leaving him with the sick memory of what was going on.
//Being with you has opened my eyes
Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?//
The Beast. His soul. Perfect happiness. How could he have ever believed that Cordelia was perfect happiness? He knew what had happened. His mind was asked to conjure images to make him happy. Defeating the Beast. Saving the world. Reconciliation with Connor and Wesley. Unity. Trust. Hope. Still none could have the sheer power to separate him from his soul. Love was added to the story and still he could not find it.
//I keep asking myself, wondering how
I keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out//
"I love you. I try not to but I can't stop."
"Me too. I can't either."
//Wanna fly to a place where it's just you and me
Nobody else so we can be free//
And then she was there. Invading his mind as she always did when he was weakest. He closed his eyes for a moment and the bleached brunette turned into a tiny blonde girl that held his body, heart and soul. They were together with the wall between them gone. Suddenly it was hands so strong for their tiny size and soft gasps and cries in a voice that was always music to his ears.
//All the things she said//
"Them? Boys! I like you."
//All the things she said//
"Always."
//Running through my head//
"How's forever? Does forever work for you?"
//All the things she said//
"When you kiss me I wanna die."
//All the things she said//
"All I see is you. All I want . . . is you."
//Running through my head//
Kisses, love, joy, sex. Compressed into an instant. He'd closed his eyes and she was there. Smell, touch, taste, sound. The pictures of sunlight incarnate dancing behind his eyelids. His whole body tightening in remembered pleasure, his being suffused with remembered love.
//This is not enough//
It was just a memory, shattered by the scent and sound of the woman beneath him. Cordelia's soft gasp, the way her arousal curled around and teased his nose, alerted him to the deception. Too late.
//This is not enough//
It was just enough to contrast all the more sharply as the despair and pain sank into his consciousness.
//All the things she said//
"I don't give a *damn* about a normal life! I'm going crazy not seeing you. I think about you every minute."
//All the things she said//
"I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. I can't."
//And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
They say it's my fault but I want her so much//
He wanted to hold her. To protect her heart that it might not be bruised and torn. Buffy had once told him that Whistler said they hadn't thought he would fall in love with her. How could he do anything else?
They all loved her. Everyone that came in contact with her loved her. Xander, Giles, Willow. Angel knew Spike held an affection for her, Faith was rife with jealousy not hatred. He was somehow an inhuman creature because he loved her. He had been told again and again that he should not, could not love her.
"A vampire in love with a Slayer."
//Wanna fly her away where the sun and rain
Come in over my face, wash away all the shame//
He could remember the day that wasn't. There had been a kind of agonized joy, even in those final seconds. The way they had held each other so close as the clock ticked down was just what both had always wanted. What he still wanted.
//When they stop and stare - don't worry me//
"It's rather poetic. In a maudlin sort of way."
//'Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me//
She'd put into words what he felt. She did it so effortlessly he was in awe. "That time you just spent in the kitchen? That was enough time apart." It was the simplicity of her words. The way she said precisely what she meant. What he meant but never said.
//I can try to pretend,//
"No, it's not enough time!" The heart's cry wrenched from a soul tearing apart. He'd felt her agony as his own, even as he knew that losing the da would never make it right. He'd given up on them again, and even if she never remembered, her soul would know. It would not forgive.
//I can try to forget//
"I'll never forget."
//But it's driving me mad, going out of my head//
He could remember something no one else could. He could still feel her warmth pressed against him, no longer a shocking contrast but a simple glowing comfort. His memory supplied moments of sunlight and ice cream that were never bought and never soaked in. It wasn't real. It was like a fever dream but one that had to be real because the thought of anything else was too much. And yet the solitude was agony.
//Mother looking at me
Tell me what do you see?//
*Ave Maria*. Holy mother, lady of mercy. Forgive me where I cannot be forgiven. She was pure. They all were, but none so pure as her.
//Yes, I've lost my mind//
Body and heart were no longer his. The moment stretched into eternity as the memories so long buried resurfaced. He could not give himself to Cordelia any more than Cordelia could become the Slayer. He belonged to someone else with ever fibre of his being. He had no ownership of his soul. That belonged to a small blonde woman that guarded the gateway to Hell with her life.
He had borrowed it from her. He'd lost it.
//Daddy looking at me
Will I ever be free?//
"All that we are informs who we become."
He would never escape the shade of his father. His father was right. He was good for nothing. He deserved every torment visited upon him in Hell. He deserved to suffer this agony for his betrayal of the woman he loved. He was with Cordelia, thinking of Buffy. Reliving Buffy.
//Have I crossed the line?//
"I know everything that you did, because you did it to me."
//All the things she said//
"What about me? I love you so much... And I tried to make you go away..."
//All the things she said//
"I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's *so* hard... and that you can hurt me *so* much."
//Running through my head//
"I love you."
//All the things she said//
"Close your eyes."
//All the things she said//
". . . love you."
//Running through my head//
". . . Love . . ."
"Buffy."
The End
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