Title: Cordelia's Gift
Author: SCWLC
Summary: Sometimes, gifts come with a hidden price tag.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Only the ones I've read on BA Fluff.
Timeline: Pretty much the present
Distribution: If you want this you can have it, but I don't know why you would.
Notes: I was reading the bitter rants about the Angel season closer, and this just sorta came out. I haven't seen the closer yet, so it's all based on the stuff I read, and a lot of Saint Corduffy, combined with the fact that I've always liked Cordelia, until she mutated into a being being the understanding of us poor mortals. Also, I owe my friend Jennifer much thanks for her help with my last story, "Dreams Can Come True (or Angelic Error version 2.0)" and with being the bestest person to bounce ideas off of ever. Also thanks go out to everyone who has ever sent me feedback on anything, I would name you all, but I'm too lazy to come up with a list. Finally, I suppose I should say I'm not gonna be at home all summer, so there's no telling if I'll be able to even post any more stories.
Feedback: Comments? Questions? Complaints? Calls for me to turn over my computer before anyone gets hurt? scwlc@yahoo.ca
From deep in the prison of her mind, Cordelia screamed. Trapped by the alter ego she had created after her ordeal with Vocah's unleashing of the full potential of her visions, Cordelia could do nothing but watch. Watch as her other self manipulated Angel into becoming a creature she was ashamed to be seen with, and later use powers granted her by the PtB from the dark side of the force to twist him still further.
That part of her was the same part that had gained her favoured status among teachers and adults, not because she respected them, loved them, or had any desire for the learning they offered, but because it was to her advantage to be liked. It smiled and simpered and manipulated like hell to convince Angel that he needed to change his ways. Cordelia screamed in desperation as she saw the man who had become her best friend sent to a watery grave.
The thing bearing her face let its thoughts turn inward and it smiled as it prepared for its ascension. *Liking the show?* it asked with a mental smirk.
*You bitch!* Cordy shrieked at it, *What have you done? I know you're a part of me, but I can't believe you're doing this!* She was horrified by the changes that had been wrought by the demon in her skin. A demon she had made when life became too difficult to handle. Moreover, that demon was hiding its true nature behind the mask of piety.
*You don't get it do you?* it asked, vastly entertained by her pathetic struggles, *I am you. We're the same person.*
*I'm not like you!* Cordelia snarled back, *I would never do to Angel what you've done. I'll be the first to admit I'm not perfect, but at least I've never deliberately convinced someone they were in love with me for appearances.*
It raised an eyebrow, *Haven't you?* A flash of the hundreds of times she had used both schoolmates and teachers for the sake of her reputation flashed before her. It threw Cordelia into confusion. How could she claim moral superiority to this creature when she had done the very things she was accusing it of doing. When she too had manipulated Angel for personal gain.
That thought brought her the moment of clarity she needed to realise what needed to be done.
With a grinding effort she wrenched control away from the psychopath that had held control of her body almost continuously for almost two years. As she surfaced she became aware of the bobbed haircut with its ridiculous blonde streaking. For a moment she paused, making a mental note to get it properly redyed, then spun on her heel and hurried to Angel's car to get the help they all needed.
Arriving in Sunnydale a couple hours later, Cordy drove up to Buffy's house and stormed inside. There she found Spike pinning Buffy to the wall. Her still uncontrolled demon powers flared with her anger, and in that instant Spike was vaporised. Buffy stared at Cordelia, uncomprehending, "What happened?"
Cordelia snapped, "I don't have time for this. Get in the car, I'll explain on the way back to LA." The struggle with the madness within was making her irritable, and Cordy didn't know how much longer she could hold out.
"What? Why-" Buffy began to ask. Cordelia hissed with impatience and dragged the frightened and confused slayer after her to the car.
"I need you to rescue Angel, Buffy," she said as they screeched down the street, "There's something wrong with me, and I don't know how long I can keep it under control."
Buffy frowned, but pulled herself together enough to say, "Why don't you tell me from the start. Then we'll figure out how to deal with . . . whatever we're supposed to be dealing with."
So the former cheerleader told Buffy about how she had developed an alter ego back in grade school to help herself be popular enough to please her parents. How that ego had been what gained her the followings of students and teachers. She talked about the visions becoming hers after Doyle's death and the damage, both psychological and physical, that had been caused by Vocah's little vision stunt.
Then there had been the downward slide where she had reverted to that alter ego because she wanted to seem more selfless and good. Always being surrounded by those who were either much worse off than her, or were, like Angel, Wesley and Gunn, such good and selfless people had given her an inferiority complex. She had retreated more and more into her persona of perfect sweetness in an effort to be `worthy' of the others.
Cordelia told Buffy about the day she realised that she was slipping away, and a persona developed mainly for personal gain was becoming more and more real. She had found herself waking up with hairstyles she couldn't remember getting, and with people reacting to situations she couldn't remember being in. By the time Cordelia realised what had happened, it was too late.
Her alter ego took over and changed things around to suit herself. In no time at all, it was trying to convince Angel that he was in love with her. It had worked. When the Powers had intervened, sending Skip to halt the damage by getting Cordelia to remove herself from the picture, they had found themselves in a far worse scenario, and had been forced to change her to accommodate the visions.
The delicate intervention of the PtB's evil counterparts had ensured the wrong person gained charge of Cordelia's body. From then on Cordelia was so trapped within her own mind she could do nothing but watch as her darkest, wrongest desires were played out before her, and her otherself's manipulation led to Angel's downfall.
"I wonder sometimes, if this is how Angel feels when he thinks about the stuffy his evil twin did," she finished.
Silence filled the car. They were pulling up to the hotel, and Cordelia risked a glance at Buffy. The other woman's face was unreadable as she considered her sometime friend and occasional rival's story. Suddenly she smiled comfortingly at the seer and said, "We'll find a way out of this Cordy. It's the least I can do. Especially after you killed Spike for me." Her smile invited the other to share the joke, and Cordelia smile weakly.
The two got out of the car and hurried up the steps of the hotel. As they were greeted by an overanxious Fred, Lorne and Gunn, Cordelia suddenly felt a burst of strength from her evil twin, and lost control, sinking back into the state of semi-lucidness she had been trapped in for months.
Buffy noticed the sudden change in her demeanour and gently asked Cordelia, "Are you okay?"
She smiled back at Buffy, oh-so-sweetly, saying, "I'm fine. We have to hurry and rescue Angel though." The look on her face, so very different from the Cordelia Buffy knew, so different even, from the terrified woman who had driven Buffy to LA in the first place, and Buffy stepped back.
"Well, Angel is a vampire. He won't drown or anything. I think we should work on your problem first." That had the others taken aback. After all of Cordelia and Wesley's tales of Buffy's devotion to Angel, and the repeated statements of how Cordelia's dislike for Buffy was mutual this was an odd turn of events.
Cordelia's face fell into an expression of perfect martyrdom. Awareness of the horror of her lot, combined with the knowledge that there were others truly in more need than her, combined with a slight glow to give her the angelic appearance that had easily convinced the others of her innate goodness.
Buffy was not fooled. She had been to Heaven, and knew what the `light of divine love' looked like. More, she knew damned well that Cordelia was incapable of that sort of Christ-like sacrifice. She didn't have it in her. It was one of the things that made Cordelia the inspiration she was. Cordelia would settle for nothing less than perfection for herself. She could also prioritize, and right now her little schizo problem was way more important than Angel's underwater discomfort.
"Cordelia, you can fight it-" Buffy began, but the other woman realised what Buffy was doing and launched herself at the Slayer. She was no match for Buffy physically, but just when Buffy was going to slug her, Cordy's demon powers kicked in, and Buffy was thrown across the room, blinded by the light emanating from her foe.
"Why would I want to fight it?" having forgotten the others, Cordelia's other self began to speak,
"Fight finally getting what I deserve? Becoming the object of worship that is rightfully mine?" her eyes glowed with fury, "Angel should have been mine! Scott, Owen, Xander, they should have been mine! You took them all away from me! Every one!" she breathed heavily, crackling anger virtually oozing from her pores, "Before you came to Sunnydale I was queen! When you came you took everything away! My friends! My parents! My money!" With every word Cordelia sent another wave of pure agony through Buffy's body.
That was when she felt the axe slam between her shoulder blades. Leaving Buffy panting on the floor, she turned to see Gunn looking terrified and confused, but very determined. A mad parody of the comforting smile he had become accustomed to crossed her features. "Gunn? Maybe you should put the axe down. I'm not evil after all."
Fred and Lorne exchanged glances that spoke volumes about what they both thought of that. Gunn bit his lip before saying, "Well, if you ain't evil maybe you oughtta let her up," he indicated where Buffy was struggling against the agony to rise off the floor.
Her eyes narrowed, and thunder seemed to boom in the distance, "You think you know better than me?" she slammed him to the floor next to Buffy, gaining a terrified cry from Fred. "I'm Cordelia! I am the most powerful person here! I am in control! I-" As the other ranted though, the real Cordelia again dragged herself back up and found herself staring at the pain-wracked faces of Buffy and Gunn, and the terror on Lorne and Fred's.
In that instant she made a decision. Buffy seemed to understand immediately, because she staggered toward Cordelia shouting, "Cordy! Wait! We can still fix this!" She ignored the Slayer and turned inward to where the bulk of her, as yet, unused power lay. Drawing on it, she used it to teleport Angel to the hotel. Dimly she was aware that Buffy had pulled the wet vampire into her lap and was stroking his hair, and desperately holding him to comfort them both.
She was also aware of her otherself's continued attempts to break free, but she firmly squelched them even as she pulled still more energy from within herself, using it to first return Angel to his original psychological self, even as she used even more to remake his very metaphysical nature.
In the end she spent her own personal life energy to give him the gift he deserved. She collapsed to the floor, Angel and Buffy catching her together, and easing her down. "Easy Cordy," he said, "We'll get you to a hospital, and-"
"Shh," she whispered, talking almost more effort than she could muster, "It was right. Buffy will tell you. I couldn't handle this any more than you could have." She could feel herself drifting away, but there was one last thing she had to do. "Get Lorne over here."
Angel frowned, but motioned the Pylean demon over. He knelt beside her. "Hey sweetheart. Don't worry. Everything is going to be fine." He smiled comfortingly at her.
Cordelia moved her hand slightly, and Lorne got the hint and took it. She smiled back at him and a pulse of white light moved from her fingertips into his hand.
"I know," she whispered back. Then her eyes rolled back in her head, and Cordelia let herself go.
Floating toward the light, she felt Angel's grief and anger at her for her sacrifice, Lorne's startled upset, and Buffy's combination of envy and good wishes.
Angel and Buffy had Cordelia's body taken back to Sunnydale, to be interred on the Chase family plot. But first, they watched the sunrise together, knowing the best way to thank Cordelia for her gift to them both was to enjoy what she had given them.
At least, until Lorne came storming out onto the roof complaining bitterly about the pain of the visions she had passed along to him when she was dying.
The End
Well? Have I lost my mind yet?
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