Primeval: New World -- Ep. 10
Annnnnnnd, snark, foolishness and bad jokes to follow, don't click if you don't want the spoilers.
We open with this jerkwad of a supposed scientist. There is something scary and screechy and feathery and . . . LEGGY!!!!
It's Leggy! You remember Leggy! I love Leggy! He's gotten so big!
Then we get creature-cam, because we have to see through Leggy's eyes as he looks out of his cage at the scientist wandering by. The scientist dude is supposed to do a rectal biopsy on Leggy, who is probably going to tell all the other birds when he gets home about the time he was taken by weird small pale creatures that gave him anal probes in their labs. 'Cause boy does he get one. The scientist actually has the gall to say, "Cut that out," and bang on the cage wall after shoving a stick up Leggy's ass.
I think he didn't even lubricate it.
Cue bestiality fanfics with Leggy.
Anyhow, the scientist is so good at observing his surroundings that he doesn't notice that the cage is falling apart under Leggy's concerted efforts to get out.
Then he does get out, leaving the scientist under the cage door as Leggy legs it for freedom. The scientist uses his cell phone to call and let people know that Leggy's escaped into the greater Vancouver area, having smashed through the window on the right, and can I just say that I'm really not sure how high up they are, but I have a slight head tilting going on here, because I'm not sure how great a titannis is with the kinds of heights it looks like this lab is set up on.
I don't know. I'm just amazed Leggy didn't snarfle the scientist, who would've deserved it, and I am having mental images of the fanfic where Dylan and Abby tag team to beat the scientist dude here to a bloody pulp.
Oh, good, we're totally back to normal. That is, scenic Vancouver time lapse photography and scene-changing Cross Photonics time lapse photography. Oh, look, it's all back to normal around here, baby.
Dylan and Evan are doing target practice. Mostly it's to see how the various potential kinds of animal hide will take various kinds of darts. Also it's for lots of shots of them bonding over shooting stuff and 'cause people with guns are sexy. Extra sexy points for determined walks. Minus points for declaring they need things to hunt dinosaurs, as though that's all the anomalies spit out.
They chat a bit about how, in Dylan's old job, they had a kit of a bunch of different things for different animals, and Dylan expresses her chagrin over the fact that they're getting called out to places where they can't know what they'll be seeing, so they can't prepare for it. Then, when Evan gets all gung-ho about going another round with shooting, Dylan reminds him that a) he has a company that will not run itself, b) Ange isn't there to run the company for him, c) Mac's not there to back them up and they need backup, not just the pair of them . . .
And Evan gives her the snarky look of disbelief of a guy who won't admit that, while it's probably hard, he really needs extra help. Instead he shuts her down, snippily pointing out that there's no way to interview for this job, what's he going to ask for, people with expertise in hunting dinosaurs?
By the way, to those who may well scream over their misuse of dinosaur, I suspect they have begun to use it as a shorthand for, prehistoric-critter-with-people-snarfling-tendencies-or-people-smushing-tendencies. As shorthands go I have heard worse, but the Beetle of Doom from episode three, not to mention the terror birds and the lycaenopses are not dinosaurs and it isn't accurate.
But whatever.
Then this guy calls them. Remember this guy? He was in the first two episodes, the cop Dylan's friends with, and he calls them to say that another scary critter from the dawn of time is loose in Vancouver. It's simply big and pissed off. And smashed up a car. And apparently is a 'dinosaur'.
Evan is deeply concerned about the fact that he hasn't picked up anything from their sensor net about an open anomaly, Toby's gone home for the evening and he's not calling her in because it's okay for him to work himself to death but not Toby. Mac is completely AWOL too, as it Ange. Actually, we've seen neither hide nor hair of her in a while. But that's not important, they have to leave to catch the 'dinosaur'.
Meanwhile, Petty Officer Merryweather is messing around with Ken's filing, flirting with him, improving their rapport with her sweet nerdiness, and we all know it's a front because she's clearly working for someone else after being so completely bitchy last week and I hope Ken doesn't develop a crush on her, and I bet she's totally April Leonard's spiritual twin.
And now for something completely different. Time lapse with spinny look-at-the-skyscrapers effects!
Dylan meets up with her cop friend who is dismayed to hear Dylan declare they've had another incursion. Mostly because, "Great. It happens so much you've got a name for it." They head over to the victim's car, which is smashed and buckled and looking really bad.
And also looking a little like someone's been using it as a trash disposal. Evan makes his 'ew' face, and then they go to talk to this guy. He begins by informing them, "I'm down here, taking a few hits before my shift," and he was attacked.
At which point he starts flailing like a muppet, flapping his arms, squawking and just generally making an idiot of himself. There's a lot of, "And then it was all, 'CAAAAAAWWWWW!!!!', and then I was all, 'Nyeh! Aaah! Wah! Yah!'"
Dylan and Evan are . . . less than appreciative of this . . . eloquent description. Of the 'dinosaur'. Which seems to have a beak.
That said, I would think they'd question him a little more for details, rather than treating this as entirely useless, but . . . whatever.
Dylan's friend is happy to cover for them and sincerely declares his desire to have as little as possible to do with fucking 'dinosaurs'. Or giant monsters of scariness. Pick your technical descriptor of 'prehistoric snarfling or squishy thing'.
Then it turns out that a garage door cannot hold up to violent attacks by dinosaurs giant squawky monsters of scariness, and they hurtle out of the parking lot and down the stairwell, discovering that the animal in question has made its own escape. Because apparently they can't understand that the damn things can break windows. Or something. I don't know. I'm just kind of tired of people saying, "Well, we've blocked off the main door, there's no way anyone could get in an out. Except for the windows, vents and back door that can be wedged open with a crowbar or sufficient force."
So they go after the thing, just the pair of them, even though it has been repeatedly demonstrated that they need bigger numbers, something Dylan delights in pointing out. On the other hand . . .
Oh. My. God. They both still have guns with them. Jesus. I think I might die of a heart attack.
Then they find the dumpster in the back, rocking and shaking as the squawky thing inside burrows around after food. Dylan gives a sharp whistle, and the 'dinosaur's' head pops up.
LEGGY!!!!
There's no way in a single cap to capture the adorableness that is Leggy's head popping out of the dumpster like a long-necked Oscar the Grouch, but I tried. It's adorable. I love Leggy. He's the cutest 'dinosaur' ever.
And this is how Dylan and Evan look upon the discovery of the titannis running around the city. So, they try to get it out, Dylan whistling again, and Leggy legs it for freedom. As he runs off though, Dylan spots something on his leg. A tracking anklet. It means that someone's had Leggy around long enough to put a tracker on him.
Which means the only logical conclusion is that Certain People Who Shall Remain Nameless But Whose Name Rhymes With Fen Weeds snatched Leggy.
So, Leggy keeps on running, vanishing around a corner. Then comes the sound of a car engine revving and he comes right back around.
Hurtling past Evan and Dylan, he runs and hides in the dumpster again.
Which is when a black SUV shows up, with this smarmy bastard in charge.
This smarmy bastard is Major Douglas, a first class jerkwad, who treats their being civilians as meaning they are clearly a) stupid, b) incompetent and c) people he can order around. When Evan and Dylan try to get him to work with him, asking what the hell the government is doing with Leggy, why the hell Ken Leeds sent them without warning Evan, well, he says, "Leeds? Sure. Let's say that."
So, after they freak Leggy out and send him running again, Evan and Dylan storm off to Project Magnet, where our dear friend Merryweather is obstructionist again, but since Ken's there, she doesn't get away with it.
And then there's this face-off between them. Merryweather tries to hang around by pretending she's worried Evan will get violent, something we all know is a lie, and Ken smiles and deliberately takes Evan's ire as compliments, I suspect because he's smart enough to wrong-foot people whenever possible.
So, first he's all smiles. All, "Yeah, I took the bird because my superiors needed proof in order to give me funding. You're more than welcome for all my help!"
"Sure they're experimenting on Leggy, but they're totally noninvasive and non-upsetting!"
And then, "The bird escaped? There's an op without my consent and knowledge? They tortured Leggy? Major Douglas is a jerk? What?"
So, when he tries to get into the system to give Evan and Dylan the ability to track down Leggy with the tracker on his leg, he hits this snag. If you can't read the one on the left, it says, "ACCESS DENIED INSUFFICIENT SECURITY CLEARANCE". Ken doesn't have sufficient clearance on his own project of which he is the supervisor.
Ken is shocked.
I am less so. After all the noodling around and creepy phone calls from people asking if he's still onside with them and Merryweather creeping around and the fact that it's apparently no longer feasible to trust your government, heaven forfend, (Godamnit X-Files! See what you've done? Now we'll never get a Lester-like character on this show. Hell, we probably won't even have a General Hammond.) it's a little obvious something scary and weird is happening in the government.
Evan shoves Ken out of the way, Ken meebling something about how Evan can't possibly raise his security clearance.
Methinks Ken's been a little more isolated from modern technology than he thinks he has been, if he thinks a very skilled hacker, already in the system the way Evan is, can't hack into a radio transmission.
Major Douglas has tracked the transmission to a skating rink, more specifically the Thunderbird Sports Centre on the UBC campus, using a handy-dandy purpose-made tracker.
When they get there, this truck is rockin' like there's no tomorrow. It looks kinda like Leggy's in there. Unfortunately, he's not. Just this guy. Who is understandably shocked and frightened to see a bunch of soldiers pointing guns at him.
I have a question. What the hell was he doing in there? Is this a case of, "If the trailer's a-rockin' don't come a-knockin'?" Because the number of activities a person can do that would make a whole truck like that one wobble on its chassis are not that numerous. So, since I can't think of any reason, I shall assume he brought someone with him and they're fulfilling some sort of near-public sex fantasy back there.
Evan has hacked the Canadian military, or maybe CSIS, who the hell knows who's in charge of this program? He loads the information onto his phone, and there's something deeply amusing about our current ability to download tremendous amounts of information into handheld devices everyone has floating around the house. Dylan gets in a few more irritated comments at Ken about how he'd better figure out what the hell's going on, because she doesn't appreciate them sneaking around and torturing animals.
Major Douglas has called in the army. Well, someone, anyhow. I couldn't tell you what branch this is, I don't think it matters either. They're there to form a perimeter. I have no idea why, because if they're not to be let in on the secret, I'm not sure they'll do much besides stand around confused, and if you wanted security to keep people out of the building there's got to be something a little less scary than a bunch of people in camo hanging around.
Whatever. Subtle this man ain't, and I am now deeply disappointed at the lack of Canadian Becker. At least Benton Fraser.
Ahem. Slight bunny alert. Primeval: New World, Due South, Benton Fraser getting coopted by Evan Cross . . . could be interesting. Evan/Benton slashfic? Just a thought.
So, they stage an evacuation of the rink, telling them it's a government-approved military exercise. Subtle this is not. Evan and Dylan note this on their way to break in and sneak past the perimeter, which apparently does not extend to the zamboni garage. Which is amazing to me, because it's a huge opening in the side of the building that they're just going to ignore and allow the two civilians to sneak into.
Seriously? They left the zamboni garage unguarded? Why don't you just walk away now? You'll have the same security, and you'll save on paying people to stand guard. I mean, if you're going to be ineffective anyhow . . .
Speaking of ineffective, this guy arrives at the women's washroom and rears back in horror at the thought. But he bites the bullet and . . .
Stands in the doorway, calling in, then walks away.
If ever you were wondering what Canadians tend to think of their armed forces, this is about it. Sure, I think we're the only nation in the world that you find people standing on every overpass watching the returning dead as they travel down the highways to their hometowns, yes, we are deeply proud of our peacekeeping traditions and people love to flog WWI as the event in which Canada came into its own on the world stage, but . . . well . . . no. We don't think much of our armed forces.
This . . . this is Canadian writing. The military are idiots. Not that we'd want to hand it over to the Mounties. God knows we all know about that poor man from Poland they tasered to death because he couldn't speak English well enough to say that he was lost and his mother was meeting him.
And you thought we were the nice ones.
So, two things are the upshot of this. First, Evan and Dylan are (obviously) hiding in the women's washroom. Why? Because Dylan realised when she saw the horrified look on Evan's face that this would be the perfect place to make sure no one poked their heads in. They have a cute back and forth in which Evan says that he thought it was polite not to barge in, and Dylan smirks and says that men are trained from early on that going in the women's room is, "Baaaaaaaaad."
The other upshot is that the soldier's stupid requires a sacrifice. And Leggy kills him.
This is gratuitous Leggy On Ice.
Isn't he cute?
Evan uses the rink's satellite hookup to hack into the army's gps, which he finds easy to do because one of the Cross Photonics contracts is with the armed forces and they had to give them the codes.
Then he asks Dylan for her cell phone and promises he'll get it back to her.
"In one piece?"
"I'll buy you a new one," he grumbles as she calls him on it.
Man, they're pushing this chemistry agenda like there's no tomorrow, aren't they?
In other events, Ken calls Major Douglas, demanding to know why he isn't in the loop. Shockingly, Major Douglas is still a smarmy bastard.
It turns out, of course, that Ken Leeds is a tad . . . shall we say . . . naive. He signed off on a form that had two million dollars worth of funding that had been blacked out in the budget, that he has no notion what it's for and no access to it. It would seem Ken is now little more than a mouthpiece in an office, shunted to the side and there to act as a placator for Evan and his crew, as well as an apologist.
Those of us at home are unsurprised by this, Ken, however, is taken by surprise. In any event, it would seem that nearly everyone on the project outranks its nominal department head anyhow.
Poor Ken.
Dylan wants to know what the hell they're going to do about Leggy, stranded 'dinosaurs', the military, Ken Leeds, smarmy bastards, anomalies . . .
Evan has a cunning plan.
If this involves a large wooden badger, I'll find a way to crawl into my tv set and conk the man on the head myself.
The Major's subordinates, who seem somewhat less than brilliant thinkers (not that Douglas strikes me as that smart either), idly comment that it's just like Kandahar, but for the skating rink and the dinosaurs.
I would suggest that it's probably more like being assigned up north in fall or spring. Or maybe in Churchill, Manitoba. At least there are polar bears there for you to be terrified of. Kandahar. Seriously. Then there are the creepy as fuck noises from Leggy shrieking from wherever he is too. So, they man up and try to go get themselves killed.
As one does.
Then they find the dead soldier. Dylan wants to do something for him.
Lordee, here she goes with the parareligious meebling again. Woman, please stop emoting your empathy for the dead. Please. Every time you try, the body gets eaten by scavengers.
Evan tells her they should get a move on to find Leggy before the military does, and let the military handle their own. Dylan wonders how he can be so callous all over again, Evan is clearly wondering how someone as batshit crazy obsessed with how evil humans are for their destruction of the natural world can also be so obsessed with the care of the dead of those keeping said animals locked up to the tortured in the name of science.
So, Evan strides off and Dylan hangs around to emote her empathy with the dead.
Is Melinda Gordon in the house!? Yo! We need the Ghost Whisperer here!
I wonder if they'd get a good ratings jump if Jennifer Love Hewitt were to guest star?
So, the poor fellow on the left is ordered to climb up and check if there's a terror bird above them. I think he really does not deserve the derision of the guy on the right for his apprehension.
He doesn't think so either.
So, Major Douglas is the one to reach up, and is the one to find Dylan's phone, break it, and discover that's why there was a signal indicating that Leggy might have been up in the announcer's booth.
This is when Ken gets a phone call from Douglas, who is pissed off he's being outflanked by this civilian, because as we all know, civilian is another word for 'stupid'. Thus he calls Ken Leeds, because apparently they must be getting help from him. Because help by someone he feels is too stupid to breathe without being reminded is apparently enough for civilians to figure out how to outflank him.
You know, Major Douglas reminds me vaguely of someone. Who is it? Hmm . . .
Oh, yeah. Him.
Anyhoodle. So, Major No One Smarms Like Gaston calls up Ken Leeds. He demands to know what Leeds has been telling them, what does he know, and what is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
"They informed me of a possible terror bird sighting of which I knew nothing."
"That everything?"
"Oh, and I bought them coffee."
"Coffee?"
"And I paid for it myself."
"I don't care about the coffee"
"So, you're authorising I can go ahead and submit the receipt?"
Ken Leeds quietly smirks as Douglas snaps that he's not sure if Leeds is incredibly stupid or very clever. He's pretty much just pissed off that Leeds is implying that Evan Cross is . . . gasp . . . smart.
Dylan and Evan catch a glimpse of Leggy's direction and go after him, Leeds stares into the middle distance, cracks his neck in an incredibly disturbing indicator of suppressed aggression, then sweeps a bunch of stuff off his desk in a fit of rage. Something is very, very wrong. It's clearer than ever that Ken has been through some major demotion recently, back to the rank of lieutenant, and it's letting everyone in the armed forces smarm at him.
Leggy, titannis and terror of the plains of the Americas has become a scavenger, which is what Dylan and Evan discover when they stumble across the snack counter, where Leggy has been snorking up popcorn. He has also worried off his tracker, as we see on the right, which will make him a little harder to find.
If he, you know, stops making super-eerie squawky noises.
Leggy continues to take exception to being hunted by the people who stuck a stick up his butt. So, he goes after the soldiers. He kills the black guy, then he goes after Douglas. Who flips out, shrieking that their target is the bird, nothing else matters. Don't shoot the bird.
Becker would probably weep with this demonstration of stupid. So would Ryan. And Stephen and . . . well, you get my point. One of his subordinates, under the impression that letting his CO die is a bad thing, shoots poor Leggy, who limps away, crooning his distress, poor baby.
Evan and Dylan catch up, and Dylan, upon seeing Leggy limping his way across the ice, makes Evan switch from taser to tranqs, because it's just too cruel to electrocute the birdie after he's been shot. Leggy staggers as the darts hit, but keeps on going, running for his life.
Douglas flips out at his subordinate guy, the one who just saved his ass, telling him that the important thing is the mission, he should have tranqed the bird and what the hell was he thinking?
"Corporal Gibbons is dead, I thought--" he starts, clearly about to say, "I thought keeping you alive was a greater priority than a giant killer bird."
Douglas is still harping on how the mission is more important and what the hell was he thinking? Saving his CO's life. Pfft. Crazy talk. Then, with a look in his eye a little like Captain Ahab going after Moby Dick, Dick Cheney after a fellow hunter bird, a bargain hunter on Black Friday (or Boxing Day, whatever floats your boat) . . . you get the picture, he declares that clearly he's got to do it himself. His remaining subordinate steps up anyhow, and takes a few men to go one way while Douglas, looking psychotic as hell takes off the other, in search of Leggy.
Because this man? He crazy.
They find Leggy in the zamboni garage, hiding behind the ice cleaner, and while Evan looks on in disbelief, Dylan tempts Leggy out by dropping a trail of no name brand Cheezies on the floor. She has figured that the guys in the train yard who had Leggy first, having fed him Cheezies, no doubt set Leggy's preferences. Leggy limps out after a few false starts, eating the Cheezies.
They manage to shoot Leggy, tranqing him, and Dylan kneels next to poor, sweet Leggy, who has been practically tortured in the name of science, and who is injured and sad and she's worried about the fact that they can't get him out past the soldiers. At which point, she asks Evan, does he have tranq darts left.
It's pretty clear she's asking him if they have enough to effectively put Leggy down. Do they have enough ketamine to kill him? They don't.
And now, our dear friend, Major Ahab Douglas has caught up to them.
While he gets a crazed grin on his face, his men have found the first guy who died. This is going nowhere good.
In fact, Ahab Douglas decides he's got to get the bird, nooooooooooooow. So, when Dylan asks, in exasperation, "What are you going to do? Shoot me?" he whips out his regular old handgun and threatens to do just that. Because has gone batshit insane. And then a shot goes off, Ahab Douglas collapses, and behind him, with a tranq rifle, is Lieutenant Leeds. Who just shot Ahab Douglas.
Dylan darts forward, snatching up the gun and shoots Leggy, killing him before he can be taken back by the military and putting him out of his misery.
Leggy! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
Farewell Leggy. We hardly knew ye.
Then Ken, acting like Dylan's going to lose it and kill him any second carefully takes the gun away from her. Hastily cleaning off any fingerprints his actions are now confusing to Evan and Dylan.
He tells them to get out of there, the other soldiers will be along any second, called by the sound of the gunshot. Evan asks what the game plan is now. Ken doesn't know.
Then he hands Evan a set of keys and says, "Oh, and, could you move my car? I don't want it to get towed."
The civilian par leave and Ken stays, one dead prehistoric turkey and the unconscious Ahab Douglas keeping him company while he waits.
He doesn't have long to wait, and the others show up not long after. Ken calmly tells them that he shot Leggy and tranqed Ahab Douglas, and then gets on his knees cooperatively to let himself be arrested. He is cuffed with those plastic whatchamadoodles that are like the garbage bag closing things and marched away.
While Evan and Dylan watch from the parking lot, hiding between Ken's SUV and one other, they see Ken marched away and put into a government SUV.
If you can't read the note on the data disk on Ken's car seat, it says, "Welcome to Project Magnet."
Dylan wonders what's going on and what it means.
Some say the User lives outside the Net, and inputs games for pleasure. No one knows for sure, but Evan intends to find out.
Or maybe:
Whichever.
Tune in next week for more 'dinosaur' hunting!
Go on to Episode 11
Back to Primeval Archive
We open with this jerkwad of a supposed scientist. There is something scary and screechy and feathery and . . . LEGGY!!!!
It's Leggy! You remember Leggy! I love Leggy! He's gotten so big!
Then we get creature-cam, because we have to see through Leggy's eyes as he looks out of his cage at the scientist wandering by. The scientist dude is supposed to do a rectal biopsy on Leggy, who is probably going to tell all the other birds when he gets home about the time he was taken by weird small pale creatures that gave him anal probes in their labs. 'Cause boy does he get one. The scientist actually has the gall to say, "Cut that out," and bang on the cage wall after shoving a stick up Leggy's ass.
I think he didn't even lubricate it.
Cue bestiality fanfics with Leggy.
Anyhow, the scientist is so good at observing his surroundings that he doesn't notice that the cage is falling apart under Leggy's concerted efforts to get out.
Then he does get out, leaving the scientist under the cage door as Leggy legs it for freedom. The scientist uses his cell phone to call and let people know that Leggy's escaped into the greater Vancouver area, having smashed through the window on the right, and can I just say that I'm really not sure how high up they are, but I have a slight head tilting going on here, because I'm not sure how great a titannis is with the kinds of heights it looks like this lab is set up on.
I don't know. I'm just amazed Leggy didn't snarfle the scientist, who would've deserved it, and I am having mental images of the fanfic where Dylan and Abby tag team to beat the scientist dude here to a bloody pulp.
Oh, good, we're totally back to normal. That is, scenic Vancouver time lapse photography and scene-changing Cross Photonics time lapse photography. Oh, look, it's all back to normal around here, baby.
Dylan and Evan are doing target practice. Mostly it's to see how the various potential kinds of animal hide will take various kinds of darts. Also it's for lots of shots of them bonding over shooting stuff and 'cause people with guns are sexy. Extra sexy points for determined walks. Minus points for declaring they need things to hunt dinosaurs, as though that's all the anomalies spit out.
They chat a bit about how, in Dylan's old job, they had a kit of a bunch of different things for different animals, and Dylan expresses her chagrin over the fact that they're getting called out to places where they can't know what they'll be seeing, so they can't prepare for it. Then, when Evan gets all gung-ho about going another round with shooting, Dylan reminds him that a) he has a company that will not run itself, b) Ange isn't there to run the company for him, c) Mac's not there to back them up and they need backup, not just the pair of them . . .
And Evan gives her the snarky look of disbelief of a guy who won't admit that, while it's probably hard, he really needs extra help. Instead he shuts her down, snippily pointing out that there's no way to interview for this job, what's he going to ask for, people with expertise in hunting dinosaurs?
By the way, to those who may well scream over their misuse of dinosaur, I suspect they have begun to use it as a shorthand for, prehistoric-critter-with-people-snarfling-tendencies-or-people-smushing-tendencies. As shorthands go I have heard worse, but the Beetle of Doom from episode three, not to mention the terror birds and the lycaenopses are not dinosaurs and it isn't accurate.
But whatever.
Then this guy calls them. Remember this guy? He was in the first two episodes, the cop Dylan's friends with, and he calls them to say that another scary critter from the dawn of time is loose in Vancouver. It's simply big and pissed off. And smashed up a car. And apparently is a 'dinosaur'.
Evan is deeply concerned about the fact that he hasn't picked up anything from their sensor net about an open anomaly, Toby's gone home for the evening and he's not calling her in because it's okay for him to work himself to death but not Toby. Mac is completely AWOL too, as it Ange. Actually, we've seen neither hide nor hair of her in a while. But that's not important, they have to leave to catch the 'dinosaur'.
Meanwhile, Petty Officer Merryweather is messing around with Ken's filing, flirting with him, improving their rapport with her sweet nerdiness, and we all know it's a front because she's clearly working for someone else after being so completely bitchy last week and I hope Ken doesn't develop a crush on her, and I bet she's totally April Leonard's spiritual twin.
And now for something completely different. Time lapse with spinny look-at-the-skyscrapers effects!
Dylan meets up with her cop friend who is dismayed to hear Dylan declare they've had another incursion. Mostly because, "Great. It happens so much you've got a name for it." They head over to the victim's car, which is smashed and buckled and looking really bad.
And also looking a little like someone's been using it as a trash disposal. Evan makes his 'ew' face, and then they go to talk to this guy. He begins by informing them, "I'm down here, taking a few hits before my shift," and he was attacked.
At which point he starts flailing like a muppet, flapping his arms, squawking and just generally making an idiot of himself. There's a lot of, "And then it was all, 'CAAAAAAWWWWW!!!!', and then I was all, 'Nyeh! Aaah! Wah! Yah!'"
Dylan and Evan are . . . less than appreciative of this . . . eloquent description. Of the 'dinosaur'. Which seems to have a beak.
That said, I would think they'd question him a little more for details, rather than treating this as entirely useless, but . . . whatever.
Dylan's friend is happy to cover for them and sincerely declares his desire to have as little as possible to do with fucking 'dinosaurs'. Or giant monsters of scariness. Pick your technical descriptor of 'prehistoric snarfling or squishy thing'.
Then it turns out that a garage door cannot hold up to violent attacks by dinosaurs giant squawky monsters of scariness, and they hurtle out of the parking lot and down the stairwell, discovering that the animal in question has made its own escape. Because apparently they can't understand that the damn things can break windows. Or something. I don't know. I'm just kind of tired of people saying, "Well, we've blocked off the main door, there's no way anyone could get in an out. Except for the windows, vents and back door that can be wedged open with a crowbar or sufficient force."
So they go after the thing, just the pair of them, even though it has been repeatedly demonstrated that they need bigger numbers, something Dylan delights in pointing out. On the other hand . . .
Oh. My. God. They both still have guns with them. Jesus. I think I might die of a heart attack.
Then they find the dumpster in the back, rocking and shaking as the squawky thing inside burrows around after food. Dylan gives a sharp whistle, and the 'dinosaur's' head pops up.
LEGGY!!!!
There's no way in a single cap to capture the adorableness that is Leggy's head popping out of the dumpster like a long-necked Oscar the Grouch, but I tried. It's adorable. I love Leggy. He's the cutest 'dinosaur' ever.
And this is how Dylan and Evan look upon the discovery of the titannis running around the city. So, they try to get it out, Dylan whistling again, and Leggy legs it for freedom. As he runs off though, Dylan spots something on his leg. A tracking anklet. It means that someone's had Leggy around long enough to put a tracker on him.
Which means the only logical conclusion is that Certain People Who Shall Remain Nameless But Whose Name Rhymes With Fen Weeds snatched Leggy.
So, Leggy keeps on running, vanishing around a corner. Then comes the sound of a car engine revving and he comes right back around.
Hurtling past Evan and Dylan, he runs and hides in the dumpster again.
Which is when a black SUV shows up, with this smarmy bastard in charge.
This smarmy bastard is Major Douglas, a first class jerkwad, who treats their being civilians as meaning they are clearly a) stupid, b) incompetent and c) people he can order around. When Evan and Dylan try to get him to work with him, asking what the hell the government is doing with Leggy, why the hell Ken Leeds sent them without warning Evan, well, he says, "Leeds? Sure. Let's say that."
So, after they freak Leggy out and send him running again, Evan and Dylan storm off to Project Magnet, where our dear friend Merryweather is obstructionist again, but since Ken's there, she doesn't get away with it.
And then there's this face-off between them. Merryweather tries to hang around by pretending she's worried Evan will get violent, something we all know is a lie, and Ken smiles and deliberately takes Evan's ire as compliments, I suspect because he's smart enough to wrong-foot people whenever possible.
So, first he's all smiles. All, "Yeah, I took the bird because my superiors needed proof in order to give me funding. You're more than welcome for all my help!"
"Sure they're experimenting on Leggy, but they're totally noninvasive and non-upsetting!"
And then, "The bird escaped? There's an op without my consent and knowledge? They tortured Leggy? Major Douglas is a jerk? What?"
So, when he tries to get into the system to give Evan and Dylan the ability to track down Leggy with the tracker on his leg, he hits this snag. If you can't read the one on the left, it says, "ACCESS DENIED INSUFFICIENT SECURITY CLEARANCE". Ken doesn't have sufficient clearance on his own project of which he is the supervisor.
Ken is shocked.
I am less so. After all the noodling around and creepy phone calls from people asking if he's still onside with them and Merryweather creeping around and the fact that it's apparently no longer feasible to trust your government, heaven forfend, (Godamnit X-Files! See what you've done? Now we'll never get a Lester-like character on this show. Hell, we probably won't even have a General Hammond.) it's a little obvious something scary and weird is happening in the government.
Evan shoves Ken out of the way, Ken meebling something about how Evan can't possibly raise his security clearance.
Methinks Ken's been a little more isolated from modern technology than he thinks he has been, if he thinks a very skilled hacker, already in the system the way Evan is, can't hack into a radio transmission.
Major Douglas has tracked the transmission to a skating rink, more specifically the Thunderbird Sports Centre on the UBC campus, using a handy-dandy purpose-made tracker.
When they get there, this truck is rockin' like there's no tomorrow. It looks kinda like Leggy's in there. Unfortunately, he's not. Just this guy. Who is understandably shocked and frightened to see a bunch of soldiers pointing guns at him.
I have a question. What the hell was he doing in there? Is this a case of, "If the trailer's a-rockin' don't come a-knockin'?" Because the number of activities a person can do that would make a whole truck like that one wobble on its chassis are not that numerous. So, since I can't think of any reason, I shall assume he brought someone with him and they're fulfilling some sort of near-public sex fantasy back there.
Evan has hacked the Canadian military, or maybe CSIS, who the hell knows who's in charge of this program? He loads the information onto his phone, and there's something deeply amusing about our current ability to download tremendous amounts of information into handheld devices everyone has floating around the house. Dylan gets in a few more irritated comments at Ken about how he'd better figure out what the hell's going on, because she doesn't appreciate them sneaking around and torturing animals.
Major Douglas has called in the army. Well, someone, anyhow. I couldn't tell you what branch this is, I don't think it matters either. They're there to form a perimeter. I have no idea why, because if they're not to be let in on the secret, I'm not sure they'll do much besides stand around confused, and if you wanted security to keep people out of the building there's got to be something a little less scary than a bunch of people in camo hanging around.
Whatever. Subtle this man ain't, and I am now deeply disappointed at the lack of Canadian Becker. At least Benton Fraser.
Ahem. Slight bunny alert. Primeval: New World, Due South, Benton Fraser getting coopted by Evan Cross . . . could be interesting. Evan/Benton slashfic? Just a thought.
So, they stage an evacuation of the rink, telling them it's a government-approved military exercise. Subtle this is not. Evan and Dylan note this on their way to break in and sneak past the perimeter, which apparently does not extend to the zamboni garage. Which is amazing to me, because it's a huge opening in the side of the building that they're just going to ignore and allow the two civilians to sneak into.
Seriously? They left the zamboni garage unguarded? Why don't you just walk away now? You'll have the same security, and you'll save on paying people to stand guard. I mean, if you're going to be ineffective anyhow . . .
Speaking of ineffective, this guy arrives at the women's washroom and rears back in horror at the thought. But he bites the bullet and . . .
Stands in the doorway, calling in, then walks away.
If ever you were wondering what Canadians tend to think of their armed forces, this is about it. Sure, I think we're the only nation in the world that you find people standing on every overpass watching the returning dead as they travel down the highways to their hometowns, yes, we are deeply proud of our peacekeeping traditions and people love to flog WWI as the event in which Canada came into its own on the world stage, but . . . well . . . no. We don't think much of our armed forces.
This . . . this is Canadian writing. The military are idiots. Not that we'd want to hand it over to the Mounties. God knows we all know about that poor man from Poland they tasered to death because he couldn't speak English well enough to say that he was lost and his mother was meeting him.
And you thought we were the nice ones.
So, two things are the upshot of this. First, Evan and Dylan are (obviously) hiding in the women's washroom. Why? Because Dylan realised when she saw the horrified look on Evan's face that this would be the perfect place to make sure no one poked their heads in. They have a cute back and forth in which Evan says that he thought it was polite not to barge in, and Dylan smirks and says that men are trained from early on that going in the women's room is, "Baaaaaaaaad."
The other upshot is that the soldier's stupid requires a sacrifice. And Leggy kills him.
This is gratuitous Leggy On Ice.
Isn't he cute?
Evan uses the rink's satellite hookup to hack into the army's gps, which he finds easy to do because one of the Cross Photonics contracts is with the armed forces and they had to give them the codes.
Then he asks Dylan for her cell phone and promises he'll get it back to her.
"In one piece?"
"I'll buy you a new one," he grumbles as she calls him on it.
Man, they're pushing this chemistry agenda like there's no tomorrow, aren't they?
In other events, Ken calls Major Douglas, demanding to know why he isn't in the loop. Shockingly, Major Douglas is still a smarmy bastard.
It turns out, of course, that Ken Leeds is a tad . . . shall we say . . . naive. He signed off on a form that had two million dollars worth of funding that had been blacked out in the budget, that he has no notion what it's for and no access to it. It would seem Ken is now little more than a mouthpiece in an office, shunted to the side and there to act as a placator for Evan and his crew, as well as an apologist.
Those of us at home are unsurprised by this, Ken, however, is taken by surprise. In any event, it would seem that nearly everyone on the project outranks its nominal department head anyhow.
Poor Ken.
Dylan wants to know what the hell they're going to do about Leggy, stranded 'dinosaurs', the military, Ken Leeds, smarmy bastards, anomalies . . .
Evan has a cunning plan.
If this involves a large wooden badger, I'll find a way to crawl into my tv set and conk the man on the head myself.
The Major's subordinates, who seem somewhat less than brilliant thinkers (not that Douglas strikes me as that smart either), idly comment that it's just like Kandahar, but for the skating rink and the dinosaurs.
I would suggest that it's probably more like being assigned up north in fall or spring. Or maybe in Churchill, Manitoba. At least there are polar bears there for you to be terrified of. Kandahar. Seriously. Then there are the creepy as fuck noises from Leggy shrieking from wherever he is too. So, they man up and try to go get themselves killed.
As one does.
Then they find the dead soldier. Dylan wants to do something for him.
Lordee, here she goes with the parareligious meebling again. Woman, please stop emoting your empathy for the dead. Please. Every time you try, the body gets eaten by scavengers.
Evan tells her they should get a move on to find Leggy before the military does, and let the military handle their own. Dylan wonders how he can be so callous all over again, Evan is clearly wondering how someone as batshit crazy obsessed with how evil humans are for their destruction of the natural world can also be so obsessed with the care of the dead of those keeping said animals locked up to the tortured in the name of science.
So, Evan strides off and Dylan hangs around to emote her empathy with the dead.
Is Melinda Gordon in the house!? Yo! We need the Ghost Whisperer here!
I wonder if they'd get a good ratings jump if Jennifer Love Hewitt were to guest star?
So, the poor fellow on the left is ordered to climb up and check if there's a terror bird above them. I think he really does not deserve the derision of the guy on the right for his apprehension.
He doesn't think so either.
So, Major Douglas is the one to reach up, and is the one to find Dylan's phone, break it, and discover that's why there was a signal indicating that Leggy might have been up in the announcer's booth.
This is when Ken gets a phone call from Douglas, who is pissed off he's being outflanked by this civilian, because as we all know, civilian is another word for 'stupid'. Thus he calls Ken Leeds, because apparently they must be getting help from him. Because help by someone he feels is too stupid to breathe without being reminded is apparently enough for civilians to figure out how to outflank him.
You know, Major Douglas reminds me vaguely of someone. Who is it? Hmm . . .
Oh, yeah. Him.
Anyhoodle. So, Major No One Smarms Like Gaston calls up Ken Leeds. He demands to know what Leeds has been telling them, what does he know, and what is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
"They informed me of a possible terror bird sighting of which I knew nothing."
"That everything?"
"Oh, and I bought them coffee."
"Coffee?"
"And I paid for it myself."
"I don't care about the coffee"
"So, you're authorising I can go ahead and submit the receipt?"
Ken Leeds quietly smirks as Douglas snaps that he's not sure if Leeds is incredibly stupid or very clever. He's pretty much just pissed off that Leeds is implying that Evan Cross is . . . gasp . . . smart.
Dylan and Evan catch a glimpse of Leggy's direction and go after him, Leeds stares into the middle distance, cracks his neck in an incredibly disturbing indicator of suppressed aggression, then sweeps a bunch of stuff off his desk in a fit of rage. Something is very, very wrong. It's clearer than ever that Ken has been through some major demotion recently, back to the rank of lieutenant, and it's letting everyone in the armed forces smarm at him.
Leggy, titannis and terror of the plains of the Americas has become a scavenger, which is what Dylan and Evan discover when they stumble across the snack counter, where Leggy has been snorking up popcorn. He has also worried off his tracker, as we see on the right, which will make him a little harder to find.
If he, you know, stops making super-eerie squawky noises.
Leggy continues to take exception to being hunted by the people who stuck a stick up his butt. So, he goes after the soldiers. He kills the black guy, then he goes after Douglas. Who flips out, shrieking that their target is the bird, nothing else matters. Don't shoot the bird.
Becker would probably weep with this demonstration of stupid. So would Ryan. And Stephen and . . . well, you get my point. One of his subordinates, under the impression that letting his CO die is a bad thing, shoots poor Leggy, who limps away, crooning his distress, poor baby.
Evan and Dylan catch up, and Dylan, upon seeing Leggy limping his way across the ice, makes Evan switch from taser to tranqs, because it's just too cruel to electrocute the birdie after he's been shot. Leggy staggers as the darts hit, but keeps on going, running for his life.
Douglas flips out at his subordinate guy, the one who just saved his ass, telling him that the important thing is the mission, he should have tranqed the bird and what the hell was he thinking?
"Corporal Gibbons is dead, I thought--" he starts, clearly about to say, "I thought keeping you alive was a greater priority than a giant killer bird."
Douglas is still harping on how the mission is more important and what the hell was he thinking? Saving his CO's life. Pfft. Crazy talk. Then, with a look in his eye a little like Captain Ahab going after Moby Dick, Dick Cheney after a fellow hunter bird, a bargain hunter on Black Friday (or Boxing Day, whatever floats your boat) . . . you get the picture, he declares that clearly he's got to do it himself. His remaining subordinate steps up anyhow, and takes a few men to go one way while Douglas, looking psychotic as hell takes off the other, in search of Leggy.
Because this man? He crazy.
They find Leggy in the zamboni garage, hiding behind the ice cleaner, and while Evan looks on in disbelief, Dylan tempts Leggy out by dropping a trail of no name brand Cheezies on the floor. She has figured that the guys in the train yard who had Leggy first, having fed him Cheezies, no doubt set Leggy's preferences. Leggy limps out after a few false starts, eating the Cheezies.
They manage to shoot Leggy, tranqing him, and Dylan kneels next to poor, sweet Leggy, who has been practically tortured in the name of science, and who is injured and sad and she's worried about the fact that they can't get him out past the soldiers. At which point, she asks Evan, does he have tranq darts left.
It's pretty clear she's asking him if they have enough to effectively put Leggy down. Do they have enough ketamine to kill him? They don't.
And now, our dear friend, Major Ahab Douglas has caught up to them.
While he gets a crazed grin on his face, his men have found the first guy who died. This is going nowhere good.
In fact, Ahab Douglas decides he's got to get the bird, nooooooooooooow. So, when Dylan asks, in exasperation, "What are you going to do? Shoot me?" he whips out his regular old handgun and threatens to do just that. Because has gone batshit insane. And then a shot goes off, Ahab Douglas collapses, and behind him, with a tranq rifle, is Lieutenant Leeds. Who just shot Ahab Douglas.
Dylan darts forward, snatching up the gun and shoots Leggy, killing him before he can be taken back by the military and putting him out of his misery.
Leggy! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
Farewell Leggy. We hardly knew ye.
Then Ken, acting like Dylan's going to lose it and kill him any second carefully takes the gun away from her. Hastily cleaning off any fingerprints his actions are now confusing to Evan and Dylan.
He tells them to get out of there, the other soldiers will be along any second, called by the sound of the gunshot. Evan asks what the game plan is now. Ken doesn't know.
Then he hands Evan a set of keys and says, "Oh, and, could you move my car? I don't want it to get towed."
The civilian par leave and Ken stays, one dead prehistoric turkey and the unconscious Ahab Douglas keeping him company while he waits.
He doesn't have long to wait, and the others show up not long after. Ken calmly tells them that he shot Leggy and tranqed Ahab Douglas, and then gets on his knees cooperatively to let himself be arrested. He is cuffed with those plastic whatchamadoodles that are like the garbage bag closing things and marched away.
While Evan and Dylan watch from the parking lot, hiding between Ken's SUV and one other, they see Ken marched away and put into a government SUV.
If you can't read the note on the data disk on Ken's car seat, it says, "Welcome to Project Magnet."
Dylan wonders what's going on and what it means.
Some say the User lives outside the Net, and inputs games for pleasure. No one knows for sure, but Evan intends to find out.
Or maybe:
Whichever.
Tune in next week for more 'dinosaur' hunting!
Go on to Episode 11
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