BtVS songfic: To Feel Alone
Title: To Feel Alone
Author: SCWLC
Disclaimer: Don’t own nothin’.
Distribution: Whoever wants this quickie can have it with my blessing as long as they let me know where it’s gone or have previously asked.
Rating: G I suspect, but with the angst I’ll raise it to a PG. Howzat?
Summary: Buffy contemplates her life after “Chosen.” Futurefic.
Notes: The song in this latest of my songfics is “Alone” by Lisa Loeb from her album “Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories.” This is a quickie that I wrote in no small part because I’ve been putting off writing a songfic to this song for years now. I also wrote this so that y’all would know that I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth.
Feedback: It all goes to scwlc@yahoo.ca.
//I want to be by myself, sometimes I do.//
She had changed the nature of the battle of Good versus Evil. She had created a dynasty of slayers. No longer was there only one, but dozens, hundreds. Maybe a small number in comparison with the billions of humans on planet Earth, but enough that she wasn’t alone anymore. Not special.
Oh she was special enough, the slayer that defeated the Master, Angelus, Spike, Drusilla prevented and ascension from coming to fruition, the first slayer to defeat a Hellgoddess, the list went on and on. What she could also say was that she was set apart as the last slayer to be *The Slayer*. After her there was no longer the distinction of being the only one, and yet she remained the primary, and only slayer. Demons could care less about the others save as obstacles. She was the One.
//I don’t want to be left behind, but sometimes I’m left by you.//
The others now had normal lives and she was left to deal with the vampires, demons and the forces of Darkness. Why? Because as long as she was there no one else felt any need to put in the effort. Buffy would always be there to save the world. Her friends had long since left to their brand new Watcher’s Council, Faith was living it up as the role model for hundreds of Slayers who had just been called, Dawn was going to college in England and Buffy was living in Cleveland on top of a Hellmouth. She now had to do her own research because everyone else was needed to train the other slayers. So she had a minimum wage job, no friends, no life and only memories and an ornery cat named Spike to keep her company.
//I pressed my tongue to the top of my mouth,
‘Cause my jaw, it was tired from the thinking.//
Three in the morning and she fell into her bed and stretched out, remembering how her friends had vowed to keep in touch. “I’ll email you every day,” Willow promised.
“I’ll call at least once a week,” Xander swore.
“I’ll send a ton of postcards,” Dawn had declared.
And so it had gone. As the months stretched on the correspondence had thinned and finally faded to the occasional message to remind her that they existed and expected Christmas presents. A year on Buffy hadn’t the money to pay for large things and had suffered the disappointed looks of her family all because no one wanted to be trapped on a Hellmouth. She didn’t want to, but no one else would, so she took it on.
//I stretch my toes to the end of the couch,
‘Cause my back it was aching from sleeping.//
She was so sore from hours of hunting and fighting. Buffy arched her back in the darkness and began to calculate whether she would be able to afford a visit to a physical therapist. The nightly battles were taking their toll on her, and she sometimes felt as though she was fortysomething and not in her twenties. She felt her muscles tensing and beginning to knot and forced herself to relax. Her mind refused even as her body followed orders.
//So what is this weather and what is this darkness
And why do I feel so alone?//
It was the requests for news of romances she couldn’t have that tore at her the most. Xander had finally bagged himself a slayer, Faith had actually married Robin Wood, Kennedy and Willow were honeymooning somewhere and the other semi-adult slayers were similarly engaged. Buffy sometimes wondered if it was only her habits as the last lone slayer that ensured her loneliness, but she knew it was more than that.
//When will it snow it’s been raining for hours,
And why do I feel so alone?//
Her heart was wrapped up on a rainy night so many years ago it was like a dream. That night she got soaked and gave herself body, heart and soul to the only man she would ever love. The rain always reminded her of it. It was magical and intimate, and one of the few moments in her life she had felt completely free.
Her heart was wrapped up on a sunny day on a dock in LA when Angel had walked up to her in the sunlight and kissed her senseless and whispered that she looked even more beautiful in direct sunlight than she did in moonlight.
Her heart was wrapped up in a desperate kiss in a crypt where he had appeared with his stunning half smile and wry sense of humour.
Her heart recalled the perfection of a snowy day in California when the Powers themselves had seemed to prove their love would eventually conquer. She looked out on the cold November rain and wondered when it would snow.
//And when I’m left at home, when you’re with someone else I’m
All alone//
He was in LA, living it up with the law firm he had somehow won. Just like Riley was living it up somewhere in Asia with his beautiful, perfect and smart wife. Just like Parker had finally committed to a girl. Just like Spike had come back from the dead and vanished off with another slayer.
Just like everyone who always left her.
//You do not cheat me of my childhood.
You bring me blankets for the walls of my forts.//
Riley had let her feel normal, something Buffy had thought she desperately needed at the time. She had been wrong and her childhood dreams had paled in comparison with the vibrant reality of Angel. Christian Slater eat you heart out. Riley couldn’t make her childhood ambitions hers again.
//There is no anger with the eyebrow raised.
When you do the fantastic I am amazed.//
Trying so hard all the time had been the clue that Riley needed to notice he was wrong for her. Buffy had worked all the time to make Riley’s accomplishments into more than they were to her. She pushed it too often and found herself pushing him away. He had left her for her own good and had been right to do so.
//So what is this weather, and what is this darkness,
And why do I feel so alone?//
The rain pounded on the window and made her wince as she cuddled Spike to her chest. Her kitty grumbled into her tank top but let her clutch at him. He knew she needed something to hold onto, especially since Mr. Gordo had been lost in that electrical fire three months before. The tears began to seep from behind her eyelids despite her best efforts to hold them in and she felt the sandpaper tongue on her cheeks.
//And when will it snow it’s been raining for hours,
And why do I feel so alone?//
Each tear seemed to take some more warmth from her until she felt ice forming. She wanted it to form. She wanted to feel a barrier between herself and the pain of the solitude. Spike was writhing anxiously on her chest now, trying to drag her back, but he was only a cat and couldn’t do anything about it. Buffy soothed him even as she welcomed the sensation of fading agony.
//You were leaving some bar, and you’re coming downtown,
You’re not ripping out stitches, but you want me around.//
Spike had been more than just a quick roll in the hay. He had been a constant in her life for years. Unlike everyone that professed to love her, he’d never judged. That was what separated him from her friends, what made her feel like she could love him. Even when he was actively trying to kill her there was a respect in his eyes that had been absent from everyone but Angel.
Buffy hastily shoved aside all thoughts of Angel.
Spike had respected her as a slayer, as a person and as an attractive woman. When they had become engaged because of Willow’s spell the attention he had showered on her had been a balm to her ego. Spike hadn’t treated her like a feminist equal or some kind of Xena warrior maiden. Spike had treated her with a combination of deference and affection that reminded Buffy of Angel.
Buffy grimly shoved aside all thoughts of Angel.
It had been nice to be treated like a woman for once in her life. For all that Spike was a bastard most of the time, he knew just how to romance a girl if he wanted. Riley had been so politically correct it pained her to think of now. Riley had wanted so much from her, but Spike had only wanted one thing.
//Just to call you my love, just to call you my love.//
All Spike had wanted was for Buffy to say she loved him. She had been able to give him that in the end. Then he came back and told her that he knew she didn’t love him and vanished off with Leslie-Anne Bates. She had gone to Angel’s and had tried not to cry when he turned out to have female company. Oh he had sent the woman away and had held her and comforted her and made her feel not like a complete failure.
//You are the treasure custodian cleaning the moon for me,
Scouring the sky so the stars would shine bright.
You stand straight-faced and tiptoed on top of a ladder//
After an hour Buffy had seen the surroundings and realised what Angel had had planned when she came bursting in with her problems. In that instant a dream was shattered.
It wasn’t that she had truly expected him not to move on, but there appeared to be nothing left in his eyes for her but friendship. Buffy knew then that there was never going to be anyone else for her, and that her devotion was going to end with her being alone. Angel would move on the way he had asked her to and she would just have to live out her life.
//and I . . . I wait and I . . . I wait . . . and I . . . I wait.//
Spike’s eager purring reminded Buffy of the night she had discovered that Angel purred. It had been after the ritual to restore Drusilla, while Angel was recovering. Buffy had forced her boyfriend into the bath, unashamedly gawking at the stunningly handsome specimen of manhood before her and proceeded to give him a bath. One of his eyebrows had shot up as he started to wash him, but he had sort of shrugged and then relaxed back and let her do what she wanted. As she had switched from using the wash cloth to her bare hands, a rumbling growl had filled the room. It had taken Buffy a moment to realise its source but as soon as she did Buffy set about making him make that sound as often as possible.
//And when I’m left at home, I’m all alone,//
Her musings were interrupted by a knocking on the door. Glancing at the clock Buffy noted that it was three-thirty and whoever it was at the door was probably not there on normal business. She got up and padded to the front hall. She scooped up a stake and peeked through the peephole. It was Angel. Her heart began to pound as a hundred scenes played out in her mind. The hopeful ones involved him coming and kissing her senseless, the realistic ones had him arriving with the news that one or more of her friends were dead in LA or that there was a demon uprising she had to help stop.
//But I’d rather be alone with you//
Pulling open the door Buffy said, “Come in Angel.”
He started and stared at her for a moment before walking in. She closed the door behind him and stood waiting. Finally he began to speak. “I know it’s a little early in the morning for this but I couldn’t wait anymore.”
The scenes in her mind’s eye began to speed up as Buffy considered his words. “Early for what? If it’s the end of the world we both know it doesn’t come on any schedule.”
“I . . .” He looked flustered and bit his lip briefly before trying again. “The last time we spoke you said some things about why you thought Spike had left you.”
//So what is this weather, and what is this darkness,
And why do I feel so alone?//
Buffy felt her mouth drop open. What was he getting at? Was he going to tell her something about Spike? About why she couldn’t keep a guy? Why was he there breaking her heart all over again? She could still feel her pulse speeding at the sheer pleasure at being close to him again and it made her chest hurt as she thought of the pain when he told her his point and then left.
He had been speaking while her mind rambled helplessly and Buffy’s head snapped up as she asked, “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”
“I love you and I can’t be without you any more.”
//When will it snow it’s been raining for hours,
And why do I feel so alone?//
A laugh escaped her. “Why now? What’s changed so much that you think you can just waltz in here and expect me to fall all over you?” Buffy felt hysterics bubbling underneath her skin and frantically controlled herself. It all hinged on what he said. On why it was she’d been miserable and alone for so many years since everyone decided that this was a normal life for her and that she didn’t need them anymore.
“Everyone’s been telling me that you’ve moved on,” he said. “All I know is that I tried so hard to let you go.” He took a deep breath. “But when my soul was made permanent two days ago the only thing I could think was that I could finally be with you safely.” His eyes pleaded with her to understand.
//Oh why do I feel so alone now?//
Buffy just stared. “Two days?” she asked.
Angel stepped forward and cupped her face in his hands. “It took me two days to get from LA to here driving like a madman. I haven’t slept and my car will never be the same again.”
The hurt dissolved and Buffy pitched forward into his arms. “I thought you didn’t love me anymore,” she sobbed into his shirt. Angel shushed her until she noticed he was swaying and looked even paler than usual. “Come on,” she dragged him into the bedroom. Buffy efficiently laid him on the bed and stripped him of everything but his boxers. Then she shoved Spike out of the bedroom and shut the door, much to the feline’s chagrin. Then Buffy climbed in with him and spooned herself. “We’ll talk later,” Buffy said firmly.
“Buffy-“ he tried to speak.
She put a finger on his lips and said, “Shush. Later. Right now I want to sleep and bask in your presence.”
He took her hand away from his mouth and said, “I love you.”
“I love you,” she whispered back and kissed him. Then they lay down together, wrapped in each other’s arms.
And she didn’t feel alone.
The End
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