BtVS songfic: Truthful Farewell
Title: Truthful Farewell
Author: SCWLC
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy and Angel (remember the days when we wanted to though?) I don't own this piece of unspeakably maudlin music, it's by Leahy, from their album 'Lakefield', the song is called 'Borrowed Time'.
Distribution: You want it? Take it. Just tell me where it went.
Summary: Think back to Graduation. We've all seen a hundred 'what happened when Angel was feeding off of Buffy' stories, but I have yet to see one (and maybe that's just me) about the scene we didn't see right before Buffy quit the council. You know how she comes out of Angel's room in the mansion and tells Giles and Wesley he's resting? This is what happened in that room. Everybody get that?
Rating: PG at most.
Notes: Hi! It's another songfic, and an angsty one at that. I keep meaning to do something fluffy and all I get is angst. What do you suppose that's all about? Anyhow, in lieu of the feedback I should be sending out: Tango, indie, Phillip S., Michelle Wannemacher, Cynamin, and all the other authors at BA Fluff, thank you for writing and keeping me sane. I don't know how you people write those long fanfics but keep doing it.
Notes2: Another thing. This song mentions God in a rather Christian way, so if you're inclined to be offended by religious sentiments (which I refuse to say if I share out of the sincere belief that anyone who tries to share their religious beliefs opens a can of worms best left tightly closed) of this kind then steer clear.
Feedback: Comments? Questions? Pleas for something a little less grief- stricken? Write me at scwlc@yahoo.ca
********
Angel woke to the sound of weeping. As his eyes opened he remembered that he had passed out from the pain and poison in his bloodstream. It was slowly working its way through his body, and he knew he was fading fast. Still, he tried to sit up and reached for the Slayer sitting on a chair by the bed, softly sobbing.
//Come and sit here by my side
For our time will soon be gone//
"Buffy," he said. She looked up and Angel watched as her tears vanished as she brought herself under control. He realised with a flash of sadness that she was going to put on a brave face for him. She smiled at him, but Angel could still see the tears threatening to spill over. "Sweetheart, if you have to cry, go on. You don't need to be brave for me."
That broke her resolve and she moved beside him on the bed and took his hand, helpless to control her grief. Angel knew that she knew he was dying. She could feel it as well as he could. Eventually though she did regain control, and despite what they both knew she said, "The gang is working on a way to make you better."
And he let her play her game of denial. "I know." He pulled the hand now loosely laced with his to his lips and kissed it. "About what I said earlier-"
"I had no right to be that way to you," she replied quickly.
//And these tears I cannot hide
For it's your turn to move on//
He knew at that moment he had been right to tell her he was leaving. They were both spending too much time protecting each other. Even if there had been no issues with his curse he would have had to leave. It was the only way either of them would ever be able to be their own person. He hadn't envisioned this as the way he would go however. He felt so terrible in the face of her poorly concealed grief.
The irony of him dying first was lost on neither. Both had expected to be parted by death, and certainly in their line of work sooner than most couples, but it had been a given it would be Buffy dying. She sat on his bed looking at her lover slowly dying of a poison that, so far, no one had a cure for. She swallowed the sobs that rose in her throat at the thought of being left alone. Without him she would truly be alone. There would be no one who understood the burden she carried as the Slayer left.
//I know you were never really mine//
"A vampire and a Slayer. It's rather poetic . . . in a maudlin sort of way." Angel could recall the moment Giles had spoken those words with perfect clarity. Standing in the library, facing the glass that couldn't hold his reflection, he had known that he and Buffy could never be anything together. She belonged in the sunlight with someone who could give her the things he couldn't. It was more than maudlin though, it was impossible, improbable and infinitely wrong. They had tried anyhow and it had lead to this moment of painful separation for them both.
//You were given to me on borrowed time//
The irony had Buffy letting out a pained bark of laughter as she remembered when she'd found out she was going to die two years before. Had Angel felt this choked sense of desperation to prevent her death? Did he stand there and discard a hundred possibilities a second to find one that would save her life? Had he felt this sense of unreality to the whole situation? It had been a given she would die first, maybe he hadn't been this crazed at the possibility.
"Do you think I could stand it!?" His voice echoed to her from memory. He had wanted to hold her and she hadn't let him. Now he was giving her one of those looks he was so good at. The ones that told her he knew what she was thinking. She tried to keep from collapsing on top of him. It would do neither any good, and she knew she had to be strong. It was so much harder this time than the last.
//Now I shall stay here on my own
For I know you've been called home//
He was fading so fast, and all Buffy could do was watch. She knew he felt bad for her suffering as he always did. He always seemed to feel guilt for the things she went through even if he had no part in creating the situation that gave her so much pain he still clung to it. Now though, his eyes were turning inward, glazing over, and Buffy felt a sense of pure panic as the breath he didn't need seemed to almost rasp in his chest.
//Turn out the light
And let me love you
One more night//
She trailed her fingers gently over his forehead smiling slightly in spite of herself at the way he moved slightly to follow the path of her fingers. His eyes refocused on her, and Buffy pulled her hand away, "Sorry. I should be letting you rest."
//Hold me tight (oh baby)
Tell me everything
Is going to be alright//
She moved to get up, and the hand still twined with hers tightened, "Don't go. Not yet," he said softly, pleading. Buffy swallowed again and let her free hand stray over his face and down his good shoulder. Without realising it, she settled herself firmly at his side, gently soothing his too warm skin with her touch.
//Now I know I must be strong
For what else can I do?
Won't be easy to go on
For I must learn to live without you//
They lay on the bed together, savouring the other's company. Both were avoiding discussion of the possibility of Angel's death. He stayed silent out of sympathy for the horror Buffy would go through with his death. He had long since accepted that a day would come when she would no longer exist on Earth. She had had no such notion. As an immortal, she had simply expected Angel would always be there. Memories of the past summer's agony brought home to her a life without him. If he died from this poison there would be no miraculous return. She would live the rest of her life without him. The idea filled her with dread.
The only conflict they shared was unknowing.
//You know that life cannot be bought
And there's nothing I should fear //
Angel lay thinking of those terrible centuries in Hell, and thought of how he would go mad this time. Buffy say comforted by the certainty that Angel would go on to Heaven. Somehow, as always, a glance into the other's eyes told each everything they needed to know about their soulmate's state of mind. That had Buffy glaring in anger at him. "You can't seriously think, after all the things you've done, that They'll send you to Hell, can you?"
"After everything I've done, I deserve a spot carved out in Hell just for me," he said firmly.
//For you'll go no further than God
God is very near//
Buffy glared him down. "You have saved countless lives, you're a good person-"
"And I murdered countless thousands too. I murdered my family, friends, what I did to Drusilla . . . " he trailed off unable to continue listing his crimes.
"The fact that it wasn't you still hasn't gotten through your skull has it?" Buffy demanded irritably. The moment of perfect accord and love having been lost to her desire to prove that whatever happened Angel would be alright.
//Turn out the light
And let me love you
One more night//
Seeing this, Angel gave in and compromised, "Maybe a couple centuries in purgatory then," he said trying to lighten the mood a little. Instead of calming the Slayer, however, it merely served to incense her.
"You've given up," she said flatly, her eyes stunned and tearing even as he could feel her anger building.
"What?"
"You think you're going to die and you're not even considering that we might find a way to save you." Tears spilled down her cheeks even as her voice reflected her anger. "You're making jokes about going to Hell, and I- " She broke off hiccuping as the sobs she had been keeping under wraps rose to the surface again.
//Hold me tight (oh baby)
Tell me everything
Is going to be alright//
He painfully pulled himself to a sitting position and pulled her to him. Ignoring the throbbing the moves sparked, he gently cradled her to him, whispering nonsense syllables of comfort, as he remembered her doing when he had just returned from Hell. Even so, he didn't try to refute her accusations.
//Is going to be alright//
Eventually her desperate sobs eased and Buffy pulled away. "I won't give up," her voice was slightly hoarse from crying, but it was steady. "We'll find a way to make you better. You're going to be better."
Angel took her hand again and looked into the face of the woman he loved more than his own life. He stared at her as she gave him a determined look, daring him to contradict her. She was in clothes she had worn hunting with him, and they were old and stained. She looked as though she hadn't slept in days. Her hair was pulled back into a simple ponytail, and the darkness of the room lent her face an unwarranted sallowness. She had never looked more beautiful. "You know, that's one of the things I love most about you," he said, "The way you never give up."
"You mean like you?" she asked her hurt returning with memory. It was followed immediately by remorse. "Oh Angel! I'm sorry! I didn't mean-"
He squeezed her hand, wincing slightly as the muscles in his arm pulled others further up, aggravating his injury. "You did, and maybe you're right about that. But the thing is-"
It was her turn to interrupt him, "Not now. We'll have plenty of time to talk when you're better."
//Now it's time to let go
It's just part of the plan
So many answers we don't know
Someday we'll understand//
He felt as though he should disabuse her of the notion. It couldn't be as simple as some cure Willow could put together. If Wilkins wanted Buffy distracted and out of the way, he was achieving that end very nicely. He couldn't bring himself to kill the fragile hope in her eyes. She had been fading for the past couple days and Angel just couldn't make everything worse for her. He knew her denial might be harder in the long term, but to make it worse in the short term was beyond his capacity. All the vampire wanted was for her to be happy.
//Someday//
She knew she was clutching his hand, she knew she ought to go and help the others look for a cure, she knew she ought to let her lover rest but it was all she could do to keep from creeping under the covers with him and cuddling. Feel his strong arms wrap around her and make all the bad things go away. She wanted to hide from the world and crawl into him and never come out. Instead she settled for being delinquent in her duties.
//Turn out the light
And let me love you
One more night//
Staying in the dimness of the room, the now silent couple just luxuriated in the nearness of each other. For a moment everything fell away leaving just the two of them and a world of possibilities. Buffy locked eyes with him and smiled as they darkened with that familiar mixture of love, respect, lust and longing. It had always been hard for him to express his feelings with words, but those eyes said more than any thousand page novel.
//Hold me tight (oh baby)//
Their hands intertwined, the only point of physical contact between them, neither could think of any more intimate moment they had shared. Angel clung to her in spite of himself. He didn't want to leave her but he saw no other choice. The silence stretching between them had none of the strained quality that had characterised their meetings for the past week. If he wanted to be honest, except for brief intervals, the silences between them had been strained since he returned from Hell. Suddenly it was as though all their troubles had fallen away leaving them a chance to just be together.
//Tell me everything
Is going to be alright//
Both knew that Buffy needed to leave and deal with the mayor's Ascension. Still, she made no move to go and he said nothing to remind her. The moment was so peaceful and perfect neither the Slayer nor the the vampire could bring themselves to end it. Which left Buffy and Angel alone together in a darkened bedroom. Hearing as their friends began to shuffle around outside, whispering, arguing and trying not to disturb the pair in the room.
//Turn out the light//
Eventually a scratch came at the door interrupting their refuge.
//And let me love you //
Buffy stood, still holding his hand. "I'll be back as soon as I can," she said. Angel just nodded, caressing the back of her hand.
//One more night (oh baby)//
She just stood there, memorizing the features of his handsome face.
//Tell me everything//
Then the soft sounds of Giles and Wesley penetrated the room, and Buffy bent down, gently kissing him goodbye. Without another word she left, and Angel watched her until she closed the door blocking his view.
//Is going to be alright//
The End
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