DAMN IT, Bank of America is stupid... Stop losing my statements, you corrupt, bloated cesspool of a financial institution! YAAAAAAAAARGH!!

Thomas the Tank Engine is kind of a dick.

Elmo--the most annoying creature to spawn from TV hell--can't even read, but he has his own spin-off show, Elmo's World.  The sales of its DVDs alone net millions.

One of the main characters on Blue's Clues is a grown man with a height of roughly 5'8'' named Steve, who apparently weighs 138 pounds ( Read more... )

In two hours I'll be flying out to Arizona to stay for an indeterminate amount of time.  Mom's out of the hospital and doing a lot better, but still needs a lot of care--especially emotionally.  My grandfather has asked me to come be a cheerleader and to bring Nolan to remind her what she has to live for.  This situation is in no way emotionally ( Read more... )

"It just hurts so bad," she sobbed. "You can't even imagine the pain."
"Oh, momma," I said, trying not to cry.
"I just feel like one of us has to die," she said. "Either me, or your dad, or that woman he's with... Oh, God, I want to die."
"Please don't, mom, please don't say that," I begged. "I love you. I love you and everything's going to be okay ( Read more... )

So, my sister works as an after-school teacher at a Montessori school for kindergartners, and she often comes home with hysterical stories about the antics her kids get up to. I've been meaning to transcribe a few for a while, but this one just took the cake.

Child's Play, an Inappropriate Story, in Two Acts:

ACT I:GIRL 1: "Teacher, teacher! R ( Read more... )

Wow, where have you been?Well... Due to a combination of severe depression and sedating medication, I've been asleep these many months. Starting in early October, I was sleeping from 16-20 hours per day. This lasted until about the week before Christmas (which meant I had no shopping done, ack!), when I was forced to get up and make an appearance ( Read more... )

( Meme uses [25 Things]! It's super effective! )

So, here I am, sitting on the living floor and sorting through the massive paper piles gathered in our move two months ago when I stumble upon my box. My box is just stuffed full of records of a life that I can barely remember: old pay stubs, apartment deposit recipts, stories I've written, cell phone bills, and finally, my college diploma. And ( Read more... )

Baby anatomy is so weird.

Imagine the thought process that goes into building one: start with a huge head that’s swallowed by cheeks puffy enough to store acorns for the winter. Next, affix a tiny chest interrupted by the swell of a Buddha belly. The pelvis, so often obscured by a diaper, is actually quite small for the belly and back it eventually ( Read more... )

Cassandra: Good morning, America! Welcome to our show. First up, scientists are beginning to decode the behaviors of a rare animal, Nolanus sapiens; a pudgy, hairless creature who snares others into taking care of him. We now go live to JimBob Pepsipopsocopolus III, the author of Deadly Cute: The Sleeping Nolanus. Hello, JimBob!

( Y hallo thar! )