fic: Konzen's Special Secret Private List of Do's and Don'ts (Saiyuki crack!)
Title: Konzen's Special Secret Private List of Do's and Don'ts
Author: priestess_grrrl
Series: Saiyuki Gaiden
Pairing: various mentioned
Rating: PG
Genre: crack!
Notes: Inspired by the ridiculously hilarious Kenren list and the Tenpou list by madame_maya.
Konzen's Special Secret Private List of Do's and Don'ts (No peeking! That means you, bakasaru!)
1. Do not make origami out of all the important documents in the palace and then blame it on the monkey.
2. Do not eat all the fruits from the Emperor’s favorite tree in the Heavenly Garden and then blame it on the monkey.
3. Do not chuck water balloons from the top of the high tower onto the procession below out of boredom and then blame it on the monkey.
4. Stop blaming everything on the monkey. Even if he deserves it for all those times he gets away without being caught.
5. Do not suggest to the monkey via Kenren to steal Li Touten’s underwear and scatter it randomly around the palace, and then claim to know nothing about it.
6. Do not purposefully send the wrong paperwork to the wrong department so that the army will think that they are being issued pink silk kimonos for new uniforms. Kenren and Tenpou will show up dressed as such, very drunk, and make you wear one, too.
7. Must resist the urge to doodle during important meetings. Said doodles have a way of making their way into the Emperor’s hands with obscene additions attached.
8. Avoid calling superiors idiots in public. They will retaliate and you will regret it. Mostly.
9. Stop calling people idiots at random. Or at least cut it down to ten times per week day.
10. Must work on facial expressions. Goal is to figure out a way to make “bored out of my skull” look more like “mildly interested in what you’re saying” and to go from “sour” to “aloof and unconcerned.”
11. Stop listening to Kenren. I’d rather look sour than drunk, stupid and perpetually horny.
12. Must secretly borrow one of Tenpou’s books on child raising, as the monkey has been acting rather strange as of late.
13. Must keep the monkey away from any and all pornography. Especially the variety that Kanzeon Bosatsu tends to have around.
14. Stop calling Kanzeon Bosatsu a hag. She has connections in the Heavenly Laundry Department and she will put starch in my underwear. A lot of it.
15. Must stop borrowing Tenpou’s psychology books, as it is entirely too easy to diagnose self with multiple complexes. I most certainly do not qualify as “obsessive compulsive.”
16. Must remember to wash hands after touching the monkey.
17. Must work on parting my hair more evenly. Part must be directly above bindi. Must ask Tenpou what hair gel he uses.
18. Stop chewing on hair. It doesn’t help.
19. Must stop concocting complicated plans in order to figure out whether or not Tenpou and Kenren are fucking. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. Not even a little.
20. Absolutely must not include the monkey in any of said plans. I do not want to have that conversation. Again.
21. Don’t yell at the monkey for bringing me flowers, even if I do have allergies, and he knows that, because I’ve told him a thousand times. He’s just trying to be nice. Or something.
22. Must not become neurotic over whereabouts of monkey. He will eventually find his way back to his Mommy caretaker.
23. Must resist the urge to “accidentally” shove Kenren at the top of the high stairs, no matter how funny the frightened look on his face is, and no matter how incongruous said frightened face looks with that ridiculous skull pendant of his.
24. Must resist this temptation even after Kenren has persuaded the monkey to bring home multiple cats.
25. Must start teaching the monkey to read myself, even though this will be irritating. I don’t know what this Mad magazine is that Tenpou is letting him read, but it’s not doing any good for his behavior.
26. This also applies to teaching the monkey to sing. If I have to hear 99 Bottles of Sake one more time, I am going to personally see to it that Kenren is exiled to the Lower World. Don’t even get me started on the age inappropriateness of This is my Rifle, This is my Gun.
27. Yawning in public is not acceptable. Even if Kanzeon Bosatsu does it at every meeting.
28. Must not, under any circumstances, agree to get drunk with Kenren and Tenpou. Not even if the moon is full and the sakura trees are in bloom. Not even if promised sexual favors. Especially not if promised sexual favors.
29. Must not agree to any sort of nighttime outing with Kenren and Tenpou. In fact, avoid meeting either of them alone/after dark if at all possible.
30. Must instruct the monkey that he is not allowed to accept gifts from Kenren without checking with me first. Especially if such items are prankish in nature and most especially if Kenren says, “Don’t tell Konzen.”
31. This also goes for Tenpou.
32. And Kanzeon Bosatsu.
33. Must instruct the monkey to wash his hair properly. Maybe I could borrow some of that strawberry shampoo that Kanzeon Bosatsu uses.
34. (Next day) Do not, under any circumstances, borrow anything from Kanzeon Bosatsu. Especially not hair care products.
35. Must somehow resist the urge to follow the monkey’s every whim. Must not let Tenpou and Kenren see me playing patty-cake, in a pink kimono, wearing pigtails.
36. Must not ever, even under irresistible orders, play “horsie” with a 220 lb monkey.
37. Must remember to thank Jiroshin for antidote to strawberry shampoo potion. No wonder he’s the only sane one around here.
38. And finally, I must not let the monkey sleep in the same bed with me. It is not appropriate. He’s too old now, and he pulls my hair, and I wake up exhausted. No exceptions. Even if he’s having nightmares. Or he’s crying. Or he makes the puppy eyes.
39. (Next day) Okay, so maybe just when he makes the puppy eyes. Stupid monkey.
Author: priestess_grrrl
Series: Saiyuki Gaiden
Pairing: various mentioned
Rating: PG
Genre: crack!
Notes: Inspired by the ridiculously hilarious Kenren list and the Tenpou list by madame_maya.
Konzen's Special Secret Private List of Do's and Don'ts (No peeking! That means you, bakasaru!)
1. Do not make origami out of all the important documents in the palace and then blame it on the monkey.
2. Do not eat all the fruits from the Emperor’s favorite tree in the Heavenly Garden and then blame it on the monkey.
3. Do not chuck water balloons from the top of the high tower onto the procession below out of boredom and then blame it on the monkey.
4. Stop blaming everything on the monkey. Even if he deserves it for all those times he gets away without being caught.
5. Do not suggest to the monkey via Kenren to steal Li Touten’s underwear and scatter it randomly around the palace, and then claim to know nothing about it.
6. Do not purposefully send the wrong paperwork to the wrong department so that the army will think that they are being issued pink silk kimonos for new uniforms. Kenren and Tenpou will show up dressed as such, very drunk, and make you wear one, too.
7. Must resist the urge to doodle during important meetings. Said doodles have a way of making their way into the Emperor’s hands with obscene additions attached.
8. Avoid calling superiors idiots in public. They will retaliate and you will regret it. Mostly.
9. Stop calling people idiots at random. Or at least cut it down to ten times per week day.
10. Must work on facial expressions. Goal is to figure out a way to make “bored out of my skull” look more like “mildly interested in what you’re saying” and to go from “sour” to “aloof and unconcerned.”
11. Stop listening to Kenren. I’d rather look sour than drunk, stupid and perpetually horny.
12. Must secretly borrow one of Tenpou’s books on child raising, as the monkey has been acting rather strange as of late.
13. Must keep the monkey away from any and all pornography. Especially the variety that Kanzeon Bosatsu tends to have around.
14. Stop calling Kanzeon Bosatsu a hag. She has connections in the Heavenly Laundry Department and she will put starch in my underwear. A lot of it.
15. Must stop borrowing Tenpou’s psychology books, as it is entirely too easy to diagnose self with multiple complexes. I most certainly do not qualify as “obsessive compulsive.”
16. Must remember to wash hands after touching the monkey.
17. Must work on parting my hair more evenly. Part must be directly above bindi. Must ask Tenpou what hair gel he uses.
18. Stop chewing on hair. It doesn’t help.
19. Must stop concocting complicated plans in order to figure out whether or not Tenpou and Kenren are fucking. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. Not even a little.
20. Absolutely must not include the monkey in any of said plans. I do not want to have that conversation. Again.
21. Don’t yell at the monkey for bringing me flowers, even if I do have allergies, and he knows that, because I’ve told him a thousand times. He’s just trying to be nice. Or something.
22. Must not become neurotic over whereabouts of monkey. He will eventually find his way back to his Mommy caretaker.
23. Must resist the urge to “accidentally” shove Kenren at the top of the high stairs, no matter how funny the frightened look on his face is, and no matter how incongruous said frightened face looks with that ridiculous skull pendant of his.
24. Must resist this temptation even after Kenren has persuaded the monkey to bring home multiple cats.
25. Must start teaching the monkey to read myself, even though this will be irritating. I don’t know what this Mad magazine is that Tenpou is letting him read, but it’s not doing any good for his behavior.
26. This also applies to teaching the monkey to sing. If I have to hear 99 Bottles of Sake one more time, I am going to personally see to it that Kenren is exiled to the Lower World. Don’t even get me started on the age inappropriateness of This is my Rifle, This is my Gun.
27. Yawning in public is not acceptable. Even if Kanzeon Bosatsu does it at every meeting.
28. Must not, under any circumstances, agree to get drunk with Kenren and Tenpou. Not even if the moon is full and the sakura trees are in bloom. Not even if promised sexual favors. Especially not if promised sexual favors.
29. Must not agree to any sort of nighttime outing with Kenren and Tenpou. In fact, avoid meeting either of them alone/after dark if at all possible.
30. Must instruct the monkey that he is not allowed to accept gifts from Kenren without checking with me first. Especially if such items are prankish in nature and most especially if Kenren says, “Don’t tell Konzen.”
31. This also goes for Tenpou.
32. And Kanzeon Bosatsu.
33. Must instruct the monkey to wash his hair properly. Maybe I could borrow some of that strawberry shampoo that Kanzeon Bosatsu uses.
34. (Next day) Do not, under any circumstances, borrow anything from Kanzeon Bosatsu. Especially not hair care products.
35. Must somehow resist the urge to follow the monkey’s every whim. Must not let Tenpou and Kenren see me playing patty-cake, in a pink kimono, wearing pigtails.
36. Must not ever, even under irresistible orders, play “horsie” with a 220 lb monkey.
37. Must remember to thank Jiroshin for antidote to strawberry shampoo potion. No wonder he’s the only sane one around here.
38. And finally, I must not let the monkey sleep in the same bed with me. It is not appropriate. He’s too old now, and he pulls my hair, and I wake up exhausted. No exceptions. Even if he’s having nightmares. Or he’s crying. Or he makes the puppy eyes.
39. (Next day) Okay, so maybe just when he makes the puppy eyes. Stupid monkey.