mimmi fails at jokes and P is the best evermissmimmiMarch 4 2010, 02:45:57 UTC
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Excuse me, sir, but have you seen my father?" The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I do not know. What does he look like?"
Okay. Okay. I got this one. But ya gotta listen. S'long.
So. This rich ol' dude is like 'I wanna build a house outta blue bricks!' But he's stingy, y'see, stingy like Donald Trump stingy. He's stingy, ain't he? Seems stingy.
Anyway. He's stingy. An' he don' like t'spend more money than he oughta, so he makes the contractor make sure he only buys enough blue bricks t'build th'house 'zactly as it oughta be. So the contractor gets jus' enough blue bricks an' makes sure th'house is perfect, an' they get it built and th'contractor calls up th'rich ol' dude th'day th'house gets finished an' tells 'im t'come on over an' see it.
Well, right then, a worker runs up t'th'contractor an' is like 'Dude, we got this blue brick! S'left over!' An' y'know arready th'contractor was only s'posed t'buy jus' enough blue bricks an' th'rich ol' dudes gonna be pissed almighty if he finds out they bought extra!
So th'contractor takes the blue brick and throws it in th'air!
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”
Comments 28
One muffin, he, uh--he--he turns to the other muffin and asks "Is it get--getting hot in hhhe-ere or is it just me?"
The other muffin replies, "Holy CRAP a-a--aa--a Talking Muffin!"
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Quick question: Blueberry, or banana-nut? I think banana nut is funnier but blueberry... they're the best.
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...Y'know, uh, I--I-I haven't made muffins in a long time. Would you like some blueberry muffins, uhm...?
[Name plz.]
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Oh, right. I'm Lenny!
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[Pause ... one, two, three.]
MOOOOOOOO!
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So. This rich ol' dude is like 'I wanna build a house outta blue bricks!' But he's stingy, y'see, stingy like Donald Trump stingy. He's stingy, ain't he? Seems stingy.
Anyway. He's stingy. An' he don' like t'spend more money than he oughta, so he makes the contractor make sure he only buys enough blue bricks t'build th'house 'zactly as it oughta be. So the contractor gets jus' enough blue bricks an' makes sure th'house is perfect, an' they get it built and th'contractor calls up th'rich ol' dude th'day th'house gets finished an' tells 'im t'come on over an' see it.
Well, right then, a worker runs up t'th'contractor an' is like 'Dude, we got this blue brick! S'left over!' An' y'know arready th'contractor was only s'posed t'buy jus' enough blue bricks an' th'rich ol' dudes gonna be pissed almighty if he finds out they bought extra!
So th'contractor takes the blue brick and throws it in th'air!
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The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”
Confused, the bartender says no.
”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”
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Ever.
Ever.
[Lenny's rolling. It didn't hurt that a duck was involved.]
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