Why I don't really like the "nice guy"

[sealwhiskers]

A long time ago I dated a truly gorgeous guy. No really, he was like a young Greek god with a tall lean and muscular swimmers' body, a firm jaw, white teeth, thick brown hair, smooth tanned skin and kind green eyes with long lashes and a humorous twinkle in them. He even had frigging dimples

Comments

[chocolatebark]

V. Interesting poste! As a guy, it's a little bit of a downer, but I think you're on to somethings! (And I wonder, for the type discussed here, what the real solution would be? How does one snap out a narcissist from their 'cism?)

[sealwhiskers]

Many of these guys are salvageable, but it would take certain positive triggers probably, such as real friendships with females or some training in empathy and social skills. I've seen such guys get better from doing longer projects with women, but certain dynamics need to be in place to create real change. One thing is for sure, Neil Strauss' "The Game" isn't going to save them.

I hope this wasn't too much of a downer, it's not just a guy thing, there are females out there with just as many problems as the worst "nice guy". (not sure this is any consolation, but at least there's some form of equality between the screwed-upness of sexes)

[chocolatebark]

Oh for sure--I think a lot of fellas have some of the tendencies mentioned above--I know I've seen them around me, maybe reflected some of those qualities to some degree on occasion, but all of them together does seem like a rough combination to crack---positive triggers, as you say. And a fair bit of elbow grease, I guess?

(My own interesting observation is that, as shown below, a lot of fellas really HATE being alone and get lonely relatively quickly---I get lonely on occasion, but I'm actually pretty darn chipper being a solitary unit, and have chugged along for the bulk of my life that way with minimal trouble, really.

[sealwhiskers]

Your description of how you work reminds me of an old flat mate of mine. He'd had some girlfriends in his life, but he really felt okay on his own, and went long periods with just friends as company. He was a putterer, doing his own projects and doing things his own way. He was actually the one telling me that humans can de-sexualize themselves during long periods of abstinence, and that this was a good coping mechanism when needing to focus on other things.

[sandokai]

It is interesting how many of these "nice guys" will only date women who totally fill their fantasy, and then walk around bitter that they're single all the time...

[sealwhiskers]

oh yes. Seen this kind of clueless double standards acted out over and over, it's pretty amazing, the lack of self awareness it shows.

[tooticky]

Sometimes I suspect that this is a case of inexperience, like me believing my first boyfriend would be Tristan to my Isolde - we idealise out of all realistic proportion when we have no experience and only books and movies to guide us. I've known some men to get over this when they more successfully meet, get to know and fall in love with real women - and then I guess there are the ones who just don't. It must be mystifying though for some young men to hear their women friends wail and bitch about the 'bad boyfriend' and wonder why she keeps going back and back. :) But yes, if it ossifies into a life-long thing, then it all begins to sound a wee-bit pathological

[sealwhiskers]

I think, just pure inexperience is different though, as is pure shyness and social awkwardness (perhaps stemming from inexperience). These things can change fairly easily, and they aren't equivalent to true narcissism. Shy people are still, even when very lonely and bitter, interested in other people not purely for self reflection, but for their own sake. But I definitely agree that inexperience and shyness, and effects from such conditions can look similar to "nice guy" syndrome. I would say though that such guys only have bits and pieces of the "nice guy" pathology (just like most of us), but with the same result in loneliness, and that's another reason for why one can get confused with the other.

[stefan11]

'just wanted to let you know -- I am a nice guy.

[stefan11]

BTW, sorry about a bit flippant comment above. I intended it to be humorous, nothing more.
I agree with all who say it's an interesting post.

[sealwhiskers]

No worries, I read you loud and clear!

[sealwhiskers]

No you're not! ;)

[pachamama]

Really interesting post.

[sealwhiskers]

I've been meaning to write down my analysis of this type of pathology for a long time now, but lost focus or forgotten, so this is project long overdue!