Why I don't really like the "nice guy"

[sealwhiskers]

A long time ago I dated a truly gorgeous guy. No really, he was like a young Greek god with a tall lean and muscular swimmers' body, a firm jaw, white teeth, thick brown hair, smooth tanned skin and kind green eyes with long lashes and a humorous twinkle in them. He even had frigging dimples

Comments

[elenuial]

I have met a ton of these guys because I attend/work at a technical school. And they always make me a bit sad, because they don't have to be that way. In some cases it stems from a thwarted white knight syndrome. In their heads, they are something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nusu8cixpAA (a few seconds are NSFW, which is why it's not embedded)

These are the worst. When they date an actual human being, they try to pedestalize her and treat her as if the tiniest thing were going to send her fainting with the vapors. And, again, it's not about her or even an idealistic vision of her; it is still about him. Narcissism in the extreme.

When I try to give them helpful suggestions about how to be a decent human being, they either can't understand me because of their delusions--or they get hostile. That's always the worst.

[elenuial]

Oh, and there's a second-stage version of this guy! He can get worse. I call him "the creeper" and that's when he finally decides he is going to settle for this one girl who is his friend, and he just hangs out around her all the time and lavishes her with attention and comfort and praise no matter who else she's dating because he believes he's a nice guy and she'll see it. And eventually through the power of persistence she gives up because he's there and she mistakes narcissistic desire for intimacy.

They end up in a terrible, unbalanced and unreal relationship. Not really happy, but not quite actively unhappy, and never really understanding why. It's very sad.

[sealwhiskers]

Some dirty little part of me wants to be a fly on the walls around that kind of relationship, for a day or so. I mean..that kind of narcissism rarely ends up in real relationships, so I'm curious from a sort of anthropological standpoint.

[elenuial]

It's mostly boring and sad. Not just sad for me to watch. They're sad, too, but don't realize why--and sometimes don't know they're sad. It's really just disturbing.

[jophan]

You know, that was a really great and insightful post. I haven't thought about this "issue" for a good many years now, but what you just wrote rings really true.

[sealwhiskers]

Then I'm glad I finally wrote tihs post! I've been meaning to do it for almost 4 years now...

[pachamama]

Aside from the Nice Guy, this post raises all kinds of interesting thoughts about beauty inequalities between partners. "Attractiveness" inasmuch as it can be quantified (let's not go there right now, can->worms) seems to be something that statistically varies very very little within a partnership -- less than socioeconomic status, height, even race and religion. And yet it is something very little discussed. There is an expectation that if one partner is significantly prettier than the other, then something is amiss, or something else is going on (ie, she's a gold-digger, he must have a huge penis, she must give really good head, etc etc etc). I remember very clearly the first time I dated someone who was less attractive than I -- I felt stupidly defensive a lot of the time, though I really didn't understand why. And I remember, too, how the wasband consoled himself after the bimbo left him and I wasn't interested in reuniting, that at least he was better looking than my new partner. "Beauty" and "skin deep" occur to me here....

[sealwhiskers]

I agree. We are all to some some degree brainwashed, and it can be fairly exhausting and don't make for a happy society. Even individuals who are fairly aware have a hard time with their brain impulses from time to time.

[elenuial]

A lot of my generation is fairly aware of it, though it doesn't make it any less oppressive in most cases, as most of my generation is as painfully self-unaware as any other.

It's pretty common for us to talk about "hotness ratings" on a not-very-defined 1-10 scale, and comment openly when there's a disparity in that scale between individuals in a relationship. Very often, in my local circles, when a woman is more attractive than her partner, it's because she either lacks a stunning amount of self-confidence/self-value, or wants to dominate the relationship. Sometimes both.

In any case, you're right, it so rarely varies between partners. I don't know if it varies less than all those other factors you mention. My gut tells me no. But it's still damn little.

I can't imagine what the younger generation thinks or talks about in regards to this.

[sealwhiskers]

I find the argument that someone who's together with another who's deemed less attractive than them, would either lack confidence or want power, so fucking incredibly offensive. And what's more, I feel in my gut as well as deep in my very core that in most of these cases, this is wrong. When there is such a seeming discrepancy, to my experience it really comes down to chemistry or a deeper connection, most often. Otherwise, the incredible vanity in humanity would certainly get the upper hand.

Again, I'm wondering if the people sporting such arguments aren't very prone to projecting their own prejudice and fears upon other people.

[tuckova]

I've heard him called "That Guy" too.

I hate them. The only advantage to having been exposed to so many is that I now recognize them pretty instantly and can get busy avoiding them.

Thanks for writing a long one, sweet.

[sealwhiskers]

Ha, experience really is an advantage, in this case it's like a navigational map, around some really miserable cliffs.

As a random aside

[elenuial]

I am apparently the only one of your friends who commented on this post who doesn't use their real face in at least one of their icons, and there's only one other who didn't use it in these comments, even though he has it.

I find that interesting, and not a coincidence.

Re: As a random aside

[sealwhiskers]

My counting shows more ppl not having icons of themselves in here, although they might have 'em to use otehrwise! Besides, I've seen yer face plenty, and it's a good face.

Re: As a random aside

[elenuial]

Yes, you're right. Not only did I somehow count babies as people who could type, but I ignored a couple of peeps right at the top! I just saw a trend and did a good enough count.

I am a bad scientist!

(Today must be a bad day for me & the internet in general)

I do like my face; I'm rather attached to it. But thank you for saying you think it's good!