This is a rant/vent.....................I read recently that

[seasidebee]

one in 20 women are "stalked" at one point in their lives. I believe that statistic to be incorrect. I think it has to be more than one in twenty. I also believe that there is still little recourse, and far too much incredulity (that a particular man may be capable of what you're saying he is doing) even in this "Me Too" era

Comments

[arrctic]

So sorry to hear this is happening to you again - big hugs! I also totally empathize with your situation as I have too often been there myself as well. I really identify with the whole just being polite thing being entirely misconstrued and divorced from reality. And your supervisors reactions? Ugh! So frustrating, don’t get me started! It’s especially bad when it comes from someone you had previously trusted and looked up to.

I used to work on research boats, and grew to dread one annual research cruise in particular as my advisor would not listen to my harassment complaint against a crew member. Give him a break, he said, he’s just lonely. (!). Wtf. Am I chopped liver? Sheesh. And that was just the tip of it, but perhaps the most disempowering moment of my grad career. I seriously don’t think they comprehend the magnitude of the damage they do when they respond like that. Not just to the individual but to gender parity as a whole.

[seasidebee]

Thank you.

That's true, re: people dismissing it, or not taking it seriously, and the consequences. That has been as painful for me as the stalking. I used to have great respect for the colleague who's response was in keeping with the "I am sorry but I don't want to be involved....that's really between the two of you......I don't really have an opinion....." and "Are you sure you're interpreting it all correctly...." attitudes. I can't even look him in the eye anymore because once someone disappoints me that profoundly something inside me shuts down toward them. I know that if I make eye contact with him he is going to see how I really feel about him now. I am still courteous and professional, but I have lost so much respect for him. And we go way back, over 30 years. It's all profoundly disappointing. I know he sense something is wrong, and probably knows what, and he is still trying to connect with me in a light hearted way as if what he said to me changed nothing. It did. And at the moment, I am not feeling light hearted.

[tailofkasahara]

"Between" and "the two of you" implies a complicit and consensual relationship, and I don't like that any more than you do.

I don't know if you want advice, because it's easy to tell another person what to do when one's own rump roast isn't involved - but I advise complaining each and every day, both written and spoken complaints, concerning this stalker and his unrelenting harassment.

No, "that" really isn't between the two of you. "That" is a violation of your comfort and privacy that was decided upon between the stalker and his sense of entitlement. You are his target, not his accomplice. Grrrr.

[seasidebee]

Yes, thank you dear TOK, that is precisely it. Ain't nuthin' complicit OR consensual about it. I have been vocal, and will continue to be because I feel like my safety depends upon people knowing about it. Had a nice long chat with my brother last night, who lives locally. "WHAT'S HIS NAME......................" he demanded. The Motherfucking Lurker, as I have taken to calling him, isn't from around here. He'll realize his mistake full well if he has to deal with my kin, who have been here since 1795. LOL

That's awful!

[taylorj1037]

I'm so sorry you have to deal this situation and all the others. And for the lack of support from your coworkers. Haven't we learned anything about this kind of behavior? Thank you for sharing it with us. I know of at least one other person in our little group who has written about similar experiences. It's just so damn sad.

I hope you feel safe here, Bee. If there's anything we can do, please let us know.

RE: That's awful!

[seasidebee]

Thank you T. Being able to share it here does help. I will confess that I have recently been afraid, and after years of being acquainted with me online, I bet you know that there isn't much that scares me. Today is a good day in which there is some perspective.

I had the same question that you posed, haven't we learned anything? From the "Me Too" movement or anything else? He is mentally/emotionally unstable, but he doesn't live in a bubble.

You know what is interesting? I have been stalked four times, but NEVER when I was in a relationship. It has always happened when I was single. That says a lot to me about how vulnerable and expendable women who are unattached to a man still are, even now.

Sigh.

[rosewilderlane]

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. There is no way it is only 1 in 20. I know so many women that have been stalked.
People need to take these things more seriously, so if anyone is there, threreing you, they are in the wrong. Mental illness is NOT an excuse. There are many people with mental illness that do not harm others like this, and it is a harm, even if no more explicit violence comes of it.
I am wishing you peace and safety, and

[rosewilderlane]

if you ever want to reach out to me to talk about your options or how you are faring with this, please feel free to instant message me.

[seasidebee]

Thank you Rose, that is kind of you. It's helpful to have experienced support here. My closest friends IRL, and my family have been great too. All of it helps. Part of me feels bad throwing it out there like strewing so much trash, but it wouldn't be good for me to be internalizing it and saying nothing to anyone.

[rosewilderlane]

Speaking your truth is the opposite of trash. So many women are silent about the harms done to them, but when a woman talks about something like this, the rest of us feel less alone in the harms done to us and the complicity of the rest of society. The more we speak our truth, the more good we are putting out in the world.