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[seekingerin]

Somewhere I read a transsexual person saying that he or she didn't like being called brave for transitioning, that transitioning is not a brave thing to do, because there's no bravery in running from a burning house. This is very much it. Transitioning is like a burning house, and all I'm trying to do is escape. Been burning all my life, and

Comments

[poeticalpanther]

I'm one of those who says that. In fact, I say, my partner is the brave one. She had a choice, and stayed, through it all (well, I met her two years after transition, but believe me, that's not the end of it). I never had a choice. She ran into the burning house; I only ran from it.

[llieno]

Mmmm, I totally agree.

[banjomensch]

I think the part of transitioning that is truly brave is to admit that you're in a burning house in the first place. So many people cling to illusions of normalcy with such fiercness that it becomes willful blindness to the inferno around them, and that goes for all types of fire, not just gender (dys\eu)phoria.

I can basically say I've not yet reached that level of bravery. I've had an inkling that something is on fire for years now, tendrils of smoke reaching my nose, etc. Some days I wake up feeling so empty and wonder if what is missing from Ben is Jessica.

ah. pleased to meet (?) you, I'm ummm...me. I think.

[seekingerin]

I think me is a marvelous person to be, myself. No need to force names and categories where they're not appropriate, or when you're not ready to settle on one.

I know I spent several years standing in the burning building of my psyche many, many years before I was able to admit what was happening to me. It's remarkable how long and how thoroughly I was able to convince myself that I wasn't transsexual, even though the evidence was all around me. I'm not sure about you, but I know I was able to convince myself that wanting to be a woman was something entirely different than being transsexual... and, for that matter, I was never able to entirely admit to myself that I wanted to be a woman.

Sometimes I think the hardest and scariest person to come out to is yourself. It took me twenty-two years. It takes many people far, far longer.

You're Heather's Ben, right? I've heard some very good things about you. Welcome to my friends list.

(If you want, I'd be glad to add you to erinrising, too; I see you've added it to your own friends list.

[banjomensch]

Thank you. I've been thinking about that distinction alot, the overlapping sets of "people who want to be women" and "people who believe themselves women, and wish to change the outward evidence to the contrary."

Sigh. They aren't entirely different, and I know that at the very least, most days of the week, I'm firmly in the first category.

You know how in bdsm, there are doms, subs, and switches, right? I think I'd really like to be whatever the equivalent in the gender binary is of a switch. not two different personalities, like those who identify as two-spirit, but more like a person who wears two different masks depending on their mood.

Whats underneath those gendered masks, for me, I haven't the slightest. learning slowly, I hope.

Yeeps, this is a long comment. You got be talking too much. Heh.

[seekingerin]

I for one am a big fan of the neurological theory of transsexualism. I think there are many reasons someone who's biologically male would want to dress or present himself/herself as a woman. Some do it for fun, some for politics, some for spiritual reasons, some for curiosity, some for sexual reasons, some for comfort. Transsexual people, typically, seem to have no good reason whatsoever. I know I don't. I just want to be a woman. By my preferred theory, it's because I am one. There's a lot of evidence cropping up to suggest that transsexual people have brains structured like members of the sex they want to become, which suggests to me that, psychologically, neurologically, I am a woman. For me there is no other logical explanation for it

[seekingerin]

I'm not sure if you want a label or not, but if you're curious, you should look into some of the varieties of genderqueer. I know I've read this idea before

[banjomensch]

thank you! I like long comments.

Yeah, genderqueer has been my identification of choice for awhile now, because it allows me the maximum amount of freedom, and very little pressure. I likened it once to wanted to have a full pallette of colors to use in my self-expression, instead of the half-pallette afforded me by society.

as to the pronoun game, "he" is fine at this point in my life, as is "Ben". my birth-name is more comfortable to me than the pronoun, but both are things I've grown quite accustomed to, although I tend to think of myself more neutrally in my head.