lee and gemma just fucked in my mommy's bed.
i feel morose.

but the emotional damage it causes far outweighs any benefits you get from the experience. the better something is, the more it hurts when it slips away. good things can only hurt you. at least bad things let you know where you stand.

i watched battle royal and day of the dead this morning. it started at two and finished up about five. i wasn't tired, so i rooted through my mom's old videos trying to find some shit. then i cam across a hardcore porn tape i thought i'd lost.

this could have been a fucking tragedy. if mom or someone had found that fucking tape... it would have ( Read more... )

shit seems desperate to invalidate my dreams...


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i'm a worthless drug addict and i desereve to die. this morning i was positive that i was gonna wake up and everyone else was gonna have disappeared. everyone in the world. so i'm nervous as fuck and i wake my mom up at six to make sure she hasn't died. then i have about fifty cups of tea, smoke a million cigarrettes, and cry all the time she's at ( Read more... )

time ago shit figured out in black and white. now it's this hazy grey like tv static. all i hear is feedback, and all i see are lights so bright they hurt my fucking eyes. being dead would be exquisitely boring - it's better to feel this way than feel nothing at all, right?


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when shit went wrong, this gulf transpiring to overtake me and show me shadow places free of guilt but not beyond this needless sufferings, i looked her square in the eye. sand obscured our love, but i knew... i knew from her mouth and her trembling knees. i knew from the sight of our friday nights in her eyes, moments collapsing like silence had ( Read more... )

gemma: what do you want to do when you are older?

john: uh... fuck you, why?

gemma: just curious, dear.

some days it seems ridiculous to feel like this when there are so many good ways not to. that's why i hit dirt and pray loud and on fire. this fucking sucks.


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