Fic: How Hannibal Got His Groove Back part 2
part 1
B.A. was pissed. He'd been forced to leave the guys in the middle of the fight, on Hannibal's orders to trail Griffiths' men back to their headquarters. He hated when Hannibal pulled that kind of bullshit; he needed to be in that fight. The guys were going to get their asses kicked without him. Okay, maybe with him too. They'd severely underestimated the size of the force that would be sent against them.
The van disappeared through the gate of the mansion. At this point B.A. had two choices. He knew he was supposed to go back to the motel, with no concrete evidence and little more than a location, ready to lead the guys into what could easily be a trap. Or, he could break in there and get some evidence, as well as an idea of what was going on. It wasn't the hardest decision he ever made. Hannibal was going to kill him.
He jumped the fence and landed in behind the hedge, then promptly wished he hadn't when he saw what was parked on the lawn. B.A. knew that if he told Hannibal about the helicopter then there was only one way this was ending. He was going to wake up screaming in it.
He watched as Joe Griffiths welcomed back his ten 'heroes'. These guys were well organised for civilians, had some fairly decent kit, too. His team hadn't stood a chance against them, especially when he couldn't be in the middle of the fight like he wanted to be. He noted the number of guys, the structure of the compound, the weaponry. B.A. wanted to take the wind out of their sails so bad he could taste it. Hannibal had said, had ordered him not to engage them directly. But he hadn't said anything about messing with them a little.
It didn't take him very long to reassemble and turn back on all the perimeter alarms. Then set them all off at the same time. B.A. cheerfully disappeared during the panic.
"They have a helicopter!" he blurted as soon as he came through the door.
"It's not even my birthday," said Murdock.
"You sound surprisingly enthusiastic about it," Hannibal gave B.A. a considering look.
"About my unbirthday?"
"About the helicopter. You have some second thoughts about sharing that information?"
"I thought I should get it over with. They got a load of guns and guys, too. You want me to be enthusiastic about that too?"
***
"You think I don't notice things, because I'm… you think I don't notice things, but I do," Murdock said very softly, despite everyone else having left. Oh shit. B.A. didn't want to have this conversation now. Or ever, for that matter. He was perfectly content to just keep it at occasionally dropping tools just for the opportunity to see Murdock bend over for them. He looked around frantically for an escape. "Hannibal hasn't had a good plan since Morrison. You can see what that did to him. I know psychology, remember?" he flashed a brilliant smile. Between that and the dreaded subject being avoided, B.A. was helpless.
"So what are we gonna do about it?"
***
"We just need to kick start him. He'll be fine once he has something go right."
"And us being in a toy store, that's gonna help Hannibal?" B.A. looked at Murdock suspiciously.
"You'll see. I have a cunning plan." Oh God, B.A. thought to himself. The plan apparently involved lots of little matchbox cars. "You have money, right? Face keeps taking mine off me. Says I'll just buy stupid crap and we don't have enough to waste." B.A. stared at the cars, pointedly.
"Haven't done this since I was twelve," B.A. muttered half under his breath at the till.
"Twelve? Ain't that a little old for…" Murdock stopped after the growl. "Twelve's just fine! I'm sure you had a very fulfilling childhood."
"I liked cars, okay?"
"Uh, Bosco?" Murdock grabbed B.A.'s sleeve. "I don't know if you noticed, but some fine members of the L.A.P.D. are staring at us."
B.A. sighed. He'd known this was a bad idea. "Maybe they think you're hot." At Murdock's raised eyebrow, he said, "Yeah, you're right. Let's get out of here."
"Should've borrowed Hannibal's tape recorder for that. I'll just have to remember you said it."
"Freeze!" shouted a cop, who got a few shots off before they ducked behind a display of those damn dolls that said 'mama'. If B.A. never heard that sound again he could die happy.
"Are they supposed to start shooting that soon? I don't think they're supposed to start shooting that soon." Murdock whispered, positioning himself almost in B.A.'s lap.
"Would you move?" he hissed back.
"There ain't any room. Do you remember if Hannibal said we were allowed to hit cops or not now?" B.A. didn't, but he was definitely arguing for a 'unless they start it' amendment when they got back to the motel.
"I only remember Hannibal said we weren't supposed to kill anyone unless absolutely necessary." He'd been so relieved about that. Apparently it wasn't even for his benefit, Hannibal had just decided they didn't need any more trouble than they already had.
"Uh, yeah. I had, like, a six hour lecture on it. Blah blah blah, when someone says 'you and whose army?' we can't say 'that one' anymore." said Murdock in a perfect impression of Hannibal. B.A. was horrified to see Murdock jump up off him. Oh crap. He noticed. He noticed. Except Murdock abruptly sat back down on him and waved a jar in his face. "Marbles!"
"Tell me you're not gonna…"
"Oh, I'm gonna."
"We don't live in a cartoon, Murdock."
"Eight years, and you still think that?" Murdock shook his head. Then he scattered the marbles across the floor, grabbed B.A.'s hand, and pulled him to his feet. "Run!"
"You know this ain't gonna stop them shooting at us!"
"It's not?" They heard a scream behind them, then a crash. "It totally is."
They made it all the way to the van without being shot, and B.A. even remembered to bring the cars.
***
"They shot at us, Hannibal," said Murdock.
"Yes, that's their job. They're cops, Murdock. And we're convicted felons," said Hannibal, in the tone of someone who has had to explain this many, many times.
"But they didn't even give us a chance to say whether we were giving ourselves up or not!"
"Were you going to give yourselves up?"
"Well, no. But that's not the point!"
"Don't mind him, Hannibal," B.A. interrupted, "he's just sulking 'cause he lost his marbles."
Murdock gaped at him and B.A. started snickering.
Hannibal slipped out unnoticed as Murdock began to protest that they weren't lost, they were just all over a store. In his room he discovered a plastic bag with 'FOR HANNIBAL' written on the side in large, blocky letters. Inside were a number of matchbox cars and a tiny helicopter. He smiled as he picked up a car and examined it. It looked like he was back in business.
***
Hannibal beamed at them. "And I can hide grenades under the dress!" He began to lift it.
"No! We get the picture," Face wailed.
"In high definition, boss man," said Murdock.
"Good, we’re all ready to go, then." Hannibal left them to contemplate the horror of what they’d just seen.
"Who wants to go back in there and tell him he's 6'4" and can't pull off the little old lady look?" asked B.A.
"He was just so damn proud of himself."
"Yeah, it would be like telling Murdock there's no Santa."
"There's no what?"
***
Bring the fight to them. Oh yes, taking the structure of the plan right back to basics would work just fine. It was all coming together again. He rang the doorbell again. "Avon lady?"
"That is the ugliest Goddamn Avon lady I've ever seen." Oh dear. He became aware of a shape looming behind him.
"I'm the Avon lady's bodyguard," said B.A.
It was only a small hitch in the plan.
***
It wasn't going well over the other side of the compound either. "Hey Face, they left the keys in this thing!"
"That's nice, Murdock, but do you want to help me look around?"
"Not really? Oh, okay. Whoa. That's a lot of explosives. Are they all for us?"
"Whoa," repeated Face. "We should probably leave now. Right now. Because I'm not going to be responsible for telling Hannibal exactly how much stuff you've made go boom."
Murdock grinned wildly and grabbed the keys. "If we take the explosives with us, they won't have them anymore!"
"I am not entirely comfortable about travelling in a helicopter packed with explosives, buddy."
"Shut up and start loading, lazy."
***
"We're leaving! Now!" Hannibal called over. Face swung out of the helicopter.
"That's what I said! Mr Just-in-case-we-need-it here wouldn't let me."
"Good work, Captain," said Hannibal. Murdock beamed. "Come along, Corporal."
B.A. started. "Oh hell no. I knew this was gonna happen." He looked at Hannibal. "Didn't I tell you this was gonna happen?"
"Hey B.A.. Does this smell like chloroform to you?"
Face watched as B.A. slowly toppled over. "I can't believe you just did that."
"I can't believe it worked! For someone who hates flying so much, he's sure gullible near helicopters," Murdock began to flick switches.
"Where did you even get that one from?"
"Saw it on T.V.. Hey, don't look at me, it was one of Hannibal's shows. You know what he's like."
"There's nothing wrong with my shows!"
"We're running a little heavy!" said Face. "Maybe we can give them back some of their dynamite?"
"We should nuke the site from orbit," Murdock said solemnly. "It's the only way to be sure."
***
Murdock knocked, for once, on their door. "I'm glad that you said. About the helicopter. And that we planned for it. I was, uh. I was worried." Things that worried Murdock seemed to range from the coffee looking at him funny to whether the smurfs were planning a coup.
"Worried how?" because he apparently just had to know.
"Well, you guys don't really need a pilot anymore. And all I was good for in Face's plan was getting shot at while you guys all ran around saving my ass. And I'm the least likely to be able to handle it out here. So Hannibal might think he was doing me a favour by sending me back."
"Back? Back where?"
"To Germany. Or Mexico, I guess, but they might not take me anymore, what with the whole convicted felon thing."
"Nobody is sending you back nowhere, you understand? I won't let them. I need you to help me build stuff, and to goof off so I can yell at you. I won't let them send you back because I need you." Murdock's eyes flicked up to his face and he grinned.
"So you need me, huh? What else do you need me for?"
Wait what? This was not how B.A. Had imagined that this conversation would go. And he had imagined it a lot. In many different ways. "Picking up your tools? You sure drop them pretty damn often." Then he launched himself into B.A.'s lap. "Too much? I wasn't sure. Okay breathe, big guy! I can move."
He began to get up, but B.A.'s arm shot out entirely of it's own accord and held him in place. "Wait. Just wait. We should talk about this. We should…" he was cut off with a kiss. Okay, never mind the jumping him thing; and that was a phrase B.A. never thought he'd use; Murdock was now attempting to shut him up. That was just wrong. So, so wrong and he would attempt to right that wrong just as soon as Murdock stopped kissing him. Any minute now.
B.A. stopped thinking altogether when Murdock took his shirt off. What with his primary role being back up, B.A. always forgot that Murdock had done all the same training as the rest of them, and probably fell somewhere between Hannibal and Face in terms of toughness. Looking at his body now he had no trouble remembering. Where Face was so well defined you could nearly pick out which machines he'd been using at the gym, Murdock's muscles were just a little softer. He looked like what he was; someone who worked damn hard for a living, and B.A. loved it. He went to touch Murdock's chest and was rewarded with a squeak and a laugh. "Hey! That tickles. Quit poking!" He realised what he'd said and burst into more laughter. "Well, maybe there can be some poking. Just a bit." He pulled B.A.'s shirt over his head before he could answer, trapping his hands with one of his own, then started stroking him through his pants.
After choking back a whimper, B.A. said "We could slow it down. We should slow it down. You might enjoy it more."
"No way," replied Murdock. "I give you time to think, you'll come up with a dozen reasons why this is a bad idea. And this is not a bad idea. You know how I know that?" B.A. shook his head dumbly. "'Cause it's one of mine! And my ideas always work. Sometimes they even work right."
"My reasons would be just fine," he muttered against Murdock's skin. "If I could get a chance to think of them." Murdock grabbed some lube out of his pocket. "What, you just happened to have that in there?" Murdock shrugged, grinned and had him unzipped before B.A. had even half fumbled off Murdock's pants.
"You do not want to know all the stuff I have in my pockets. I'm prepared for everything! Wanted felony, zombie apocalypse, clowns…" his voice trailed off as B.A. began to finger him open, until all that could be heard was panting, "please," and "harder."
"Now," he said finally, and B.A. pushed his way slowly in. He somehow managed not to thrust, and waited until Murdock was comfortable enough to push down on him. "Bosco," Murdock whined, and he got the picture. He rolled them over and started moving while Murdock wrapped his legs around him. Before he knew it, Murdock was making these little half choked out noises beneath him while his speed got more frantic. Murdock came with a yell just after B.A. started to jerk him off, and B.A. followed soon after, collapsing on top of him.
"We are gonna talk about this. Soon." was the last thing he remembered saying before drifting off.
***
Face noticed a distinct lack of shenanigans as he studied the papers they'd stolen. "Murdock?" he called, hoping for a distraction.
"I'm busy."
"It looks like you're reading a comic book to me."
"Thinking."
"Oh, is that what that burning smell is?"
"You wound me, sir! Now shush." Face decided to bring out his secret weapon to get Murdock to pay attention to him. He didn't use it very often, in case Murdock would catch on to the game. He ignored him.
"Face? Face. Faaaaaaaaaaaace."
Jackpot.
"What do you usually do after you've had sex with someone? Well. Not what you do. You run away. I don't want to do that. That's kind of dick move."
Face groaned. He knew he should have stuck with being ignored. "Everybody was right. I knew it. I'm a bad example! Why did you listen to me about having sex with locals? You get attached to people more than I do and then you'll get upset when we can't take them with us."
"I'm pretty sure this isn't a problem I can leave behind, Face."
"Tell me you didn't get her pregnant."
Murdock finally put his comic down. "Her?"
"Wait, it's not a her? Not that there's anything wrong with that! But you're not talking about Mrs. McKenzie? You didn't sleep with her?"
"At least I didn't get B.A. pregnant? Silver lining and all that, chaps."
"I. B.A.? What."
Murdock got up and yelled through the open door. "Guys! I think I broke Face! I don't know how to ctrl-alt-del him." Face tackled him and put a hand over his mouth.
"No, stop! We're cool. We're cool. I just… needed a minute to process. I mean, B.A.? Really?" He pulled his hand away when Murdock licked it. "Ew! Dude, that is so wrong."
"Works, though. You stopped blue screening on me?"
"Murdock's got a boyfriend!" Face sang. "You love him and you want to kiss him."
Murdock attempted to smack him.
"Okay, are we done being five? I need to show you something. I think I know what Joe Griffiths is after."
"Wait, really?"
"Yeah. You see this?" Face waved one of the documents Hannibal and B.A. had haphazardly grabbed, "it says Griffiths tried to stake a claim for mineral rights on the land the McKenzie's motel is on. I guess he decided running her out of town is a better option than, you know. Paying her. And that's why they had to have so much dynamite."
"Heh, they don't have so much now. Hey wait, we're literally sitting on a gold mine? That's so awesome!"
"Well, no. It's not gonna turn out to be a gold mine. Those are all gone now. It might be quartz or tin or something, though."
"Do you think they have any panning equipment? Oh, I bet I could get Bosco to make me some!"
"Murdock, I'm not blowing off the mission to go panning for gold with you. This one has to go right, or we don’t eat."
"Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me, 'cause I come from Alabama with my banjo on my knee!"
Face put his head in his hands.
***
"But where are your monkeys?" asked Murdock.
"My…? Oh!" she laughed. "The boys are covering for me. Again. You guys are really wrecking my assignment with your constant demands for attention. I thought Face was the only one who did that, but no. You're all as bad as him. I am thisclose to finding Lynch and Pike, people. Why are you wasting my time?"
Face brought out Toby and Kate, under extreme protest. He had claimed that Charissa Sosa had a heart of stone and would remain unmoved by the plight of small children. B.A. had argued that no one could look at their little faces and not want to help. Face claimed that B.A. was projecting his kid issues all over the situation. B.A. said that Face was projecting his relationship issues all over the place. B.A. had finally won the argument by threatening to thump him.
"These two were beaten by people trying to force them out of their home," Hannibal said gently. Sosa glared at him for a long time, then sighed.
"What do I have to do?"
"You just have to make sure a very nice lady gets to the town hall and back to stake a mining claim, without anyone trying to stop her."
"Why me?"
"The guys who want her stopped? They've seen us. They don't know you, though. You can get this done with much less hassle."
"You," she pointed to Mrs. McKenzie. "Come with me before I change my mind." With that, Sosa stole Murdock's hat and placed it on the woman's head. "There. Much less conspicuous," she dragged her out of the room.
"My hat!"
"Hey, Murdock," B.A. grabbed his shoulder, "I just need to talk to you."
"But my hat."
"You'll have to wait," said Hannibal. "I need you to watch the kids while Murdock brings the van around for a few modifications."
"It's my van!"
"And I want to come back to a motel that's in one piece, which it won't be if Murdock is left watching them. Will it, Captain?" Murdock smiled and shook his head. "Give him the keys, B.A.. Don't you trust him?"
"Not with my… I mean. Yeah. Of course." he threw the keys to Murdock.
"But my hat. I feel like Samson after a hair cut."
***
"Are you going to shoot people?" asked Mrs. McKenzie, almost unrecognisable under Murdock's hat and a very large pair of sunglasses.
"I'm going to try real hard not to. It would be difficult to explain why I was here. And on this side of the fight."
"Do I get a gun?"
"Not unless you have the appropriate training."
"Oh. I don’t."
"Yeah, I kind of guessed that. What's your first name?" asked Sosa.
"Karen. What's yours?"
"You don't need to know that. I just didn't want to have to shout 'Mrs. McKenzie!' across the room if we got into trouble. Karen is shorter."
"But what do I call you?"
"Captain." Sosa scanned the room. "Here's how it's gonna go. You're gonna go up there, make nice to the teller, whatever. I'll be right beside you all the way, but don't try to draw me into conversation. It'll be distracting."
Which is just how it went, right until Sosa spotted a guy watching them. "Are you done yet?"
"Nearly."
"Be done soon. We have to go. Now."
"Done!"
Sosa grabbed Karen's hand and hauled her through the room to the stairwell. "Ditch the shoes if you have to, but we need to be gone." They made it to the first floor without a hitch, until Sosa cracked the door open. "There's a guy posted between us and the door," she said. "I need you to get in the cupboard under the stairs and stay there until I come back. Can you do that?" Karen nodded.
"Hey, man. Do you know where the mining department is? My friend needs to stake a claim." Sosa watched his face fall as he realised. "Yeah. Sorry." She punched him in the face. He reeled, but came back and hit her in the ribs. She swept the legs out from under him, caught him by the hair and bounced his head off the hard floor.
Sosa opened the door. "We're going!"
Karen took a sharp intake of breath when she saw the prone man. "But shouldn't we stay and explain to the police…"
"The last thing I need is to be explaining what I'm doing here. I am in the DoD, I'm not supposed to be getting into fights in the town hall to protect friends of wanted criminals."
"…I don't know any wanted criminals. But we're in the right!"
"That doesn't always matter. And no, of course you don't. I just lost the run of myself there a little," she pointed at Karen's hat, "and you need to give that back, otherwise we're both dead."
***
"Murdock's bringing the van," said Face. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I have no idea what you mean."
"You suck at pretending to be okay. I’m gonna take a look at those ribs when the van arrives."
Distant singing let him know both that Murdock was on his way, and that he'd moved onto 'My Darling Clementine'. He heard a crash, then a grinding noise and covered his eyes with a hand, "and I assume that would be him now."
"I'll let you sort this out, shall I?" asked Sosa.
"Uh," Face looked at the wreckage. "I may need a little help here. You know anything about mechanics?"
"I just came to give the damn hat back!"
They watched Murdock get out and comically clap both hands over his head as he noticed the spoiler was halfway down the back of the van.
"Seriously, how did you not know that it wouldn't fit? There's a sign right there. Look, 'height 6'4" only.' The van's at least two inches higher than that," said Sosa as she attempted to lift the spoiler back on top of it. Murdock continued to stride across the top of the van, so she poked him in the ankle with a wrench.
"Hey, if you keep hitting me…" he put his fists up and bounced along the roof. "Lemme at 'em! I'll splat 'em!"
She laughed and said "Whatever, man. Whatever. I could take you."
"It's not like I ever get to drive this van anyway! B.A. said I'd mess it up." Sosa very carefully looked at Murdock, then the van. "I can't tell how high it is from the inside! Do you think B.A. would let me drive it more often if we told him? He might think I need the practice."
They finally, finally got it all repaired just as Hannibal arrived. "That's great work, kids, but you fixed it inside the parking lot. How are you planning on getting it out again?" As one, they groaned.
"It wasn't my fault, Hannibal! Look, the bar sags in the middle."
"That's brilliant, Murdock!"
"It is?"
"Yes! In fact, for being the one to point that out to me, you can direct. Captain Sosa, if you could get in the driver's seat?"
"Hannibal, I never say this, but this is a terrible plan." said Face.
"You always complain when you get the heavy lifting," said Hannibal as they pushed the bar up to its maximum height so the van could get through.
Face opened the back door of the van and went to pull Sosa inside. Hannibal raised an eyebrow. "She busted her ribs, boss."
"Bruised! I only bruised them!" she said.
"I'm just checking them out. For her."
"Leave the door open, you two."
Face laughed. "B.A. and Murdock don’t!"
"B.A. and Murdock what?" asked Sosa.
"See?" said Face as he clipped Murdock across the back of the head. "It's a totally normal reaction."
"I hate to break this to you, but if she's doing it, it ain't a normal reaction." He ducked as Sosa tried to steal his hat again. "Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!"
Inside the van, Sosa lifted her shirt up slightly. "Don't get any ideas. I'll snap your neck."
Face raised his hands. "I'm not doing anything!"
"Yet. I remember what you're like."
"Hey, you kissed me last time."
"That was cover for helping to break you out! I'm not doing it again.” he grinned at her. "I'm not!"
"Not even if we get captured again?"
"Not even for a Goddamn Scooby Snack."
***
part 3
B.A. was pissed. He'd been forced to leave the guys in the middle of the fight, on Hannibal's orders to trail Griffiths' men back to their headquarters. He hated when Hannibal pulled that kind of bullshit; he needed to be in that fight. The guys were going to get their asses kicked without him. Okay, maybe with him too. They'd severely underestimated the size of the force that would be sent against them.
The van disappeared through the gate of the mansion. At this point B.A. had two choices. He knew he was supposed to go back to the motel, with no concrete evidence and little more than a location, ready to lead the guys into what could easily be a trap. Or, he could break in there and get some evidence, as well as an idea of what was going on. It wasn't the hardest decision he ever made. Hannibal was going to kill him.
He jumped the fence and landed in behind the hedge, then promptly wished he hadn't when he saw what was parked on the lawn. B.A. knew that if he told Hannibal about the helicopter then there was only one way this was ending. He was going to wake up screaming in it.
He watched as Joe Griffiths welcomed back his ten 'heroes'. These guys were well organised for civilians, had some fairly decent kit, too. His team hadn't stood a chance against them, especially when he couldn't be in the middle of the fight like he wanted to be. He noted the number of guys, the structure of the compound, the weaponry. B.A. wanted to take the wind out of their sails so bad he could taste it. Hannibal had said, had ordered him not to engage them directly. But he hadn't said anything about messing with them a little.
It didn't take him very long to reassemble and turn back on all the perimeter alarms. Then set them all off at the same time. B.A. cheerfully disappeared during the panic.
"They have a helicopter!" he blurted as soon as he came through the door.
"It's not even my birthday," said Murdock.
"You sound surprisingly enthusiastic about it," Hannibal gave B.A. a considering look.
"About my unbirthday?"
"About the helicopter. You have some second thoughts about sharing that information?"
"I thought I should get it over with. They got a load of guns and guys, too. You want me to be enthusiastic about that too?"
***
"You think I don't notice things, because I'm… you think I don't notice things, but I do," Murdock said very softly, despite everyone else having left. Oh shit. B.A. didn't want to have this conversation now. Or ever, for that matter. He was perfectly content to just keep it at occasionally dropping tools just for the opportunity to see Murdock bend over for them. He looked around frantically for an escape. "Hannibal hasn't had a good plan since Morrison. You can see what that did to him. I know psychology, remember?" he flashed a brilliant smile. Between that and the dreaded subject being avoided, B.A. was helpless.
"So what are we gonna do about it?"
***
"We just need to kick start him. He'll be fine once he has something go right."
"And us being in a toy store, that's gonna help Hannibal?" B.A. looked at Murdock suspiciously.
"You'll see. I have a cunning plan." Oh God, B.A. thought to himself. The plan apparently involved lots of little matchbox cars. "You have money, right? Face keeps taking mine off me. Says I'll just buy stupid crap and we don't have enough to waste." B.A. stared at the cars, pointedly.
"Haven't done this since I was twelve," B.A. muttered half under his breath at the till.
"Twelve? Ain't that a little old for…" Murdock stopped after the growl. "Twelve's just fine! I'm sure you had a very fulfilling childhood."
"I liked cars, okay?"
"Uh, Bosco?" Murdock grabbed B.A.'s sleeve. "I don't know if you noticed, but some fine members of the L.A.P.D. are staring at us."
B.A. sighed. He'd known this was a bad idea. "Maybe they think you're hot." At Murdock's raised eyebrow, he said, "Yeah, you're right. Let's get out of here."
"Should've borrowed Hannibal's tape recorder for that. I'll just have to remember you said it."
"Freeze!" shouted a cop, who got a few shots off before they ducked behind a display of those damn dolls that said 'mama'. If B.A. never heard that sound again he could die happy.
"Are they supposed to start shooting that soon? I don't think they're supposed to start shooting that soon." Murdock whispered, positioning himself almost in B.A.'s lap.
"Would you move?" he hissed back.
"There ain't any room. Do you remember if Hannibal said we were allowed to hit cops or not now?" B.A. didn't, but he was definitely arguing for a 'unless they start it' amendment when they got back to the motel.
"I only remember Hannibal said we weren't supposed to kill anyone unless absolutely necessary." He'd been so relieved about that. Apparently it wasn't even for his benefit, Hannibal had just decided they didn't need any more trouble than they already had.
"Uh, yeah. I had, like, a six hour lecture on it. Blah blah blah, when someone says 'you and whose army?' we can't say 'that one' anymore." said Murdock in a perfect impression of Hannibal. B.A. was horrified to see Murdock jump up off him. Oh crap. He noticed. He noticed. Except Murdock abruptly sat back down on him and waved a jar in his face. "Marbles!"
"Tell me you're not gonna…"
"Oh, I'm gonna."
"We don't live in a cartoon, Murdock."
"Eight years, and you still think that?" Murdock shook his head. Then he scattered the marbles across the floor, grabbed B.A.'s hand, and pulled him to his feet. "Run!"
"You know this ain't gonna stop them shooting at us!"
"It's not?" They heard a scream behind them, then a crash. "It totally is."
They made it all the way to the van without being shot, and B.A. even remembered to bring the cars.
***
"They shot at us, Hannibal," said Murdock.
"Yes, that's their job. They're cops, Murdock. And we're convicted felons," said Hannibal, in the tone of someone who has had to explain this many, many times.
"But they didn't even give us a chance to say whether we were giving ourselves up or not!"
"Were you going to give yourselves up?"
"Well, no. But that's not the point!"
"Don't mind him, Hannibal," B.A. interrupted, "he's just sulking 'cause he lost his marbles."
Murdock gaped at him and B.A. started snickering.
Hannibal slipped out unnoticed as Murdock began to protest that they weren't lost, they were just all over a store. In his room he discovered a plastic bag with 'FOR HANNIBAL' written on the side in large, blocky letters. Inside were a number of matchbox cars and a tiny helicopter. He smiled as he picked up a car and examined it. It looked like he was back in business.
***
Hannibal beamed at them. "And I can hide grenades under the dress!" He began to lift it.
"No! We get the picture," Face wailed.
"In high definition, boss man," said Murdock.
"Good, we’re all ready to go, then." Hannibal left them to contemplate the horror of what they’d just seen.
"Who wants to go back in there and tell him he's 6'4" and can't pull off the little old lady look?" asked B.A.
"He was just so damn proud of himself."
"Yeah, it would be like telling Murdock there's no Santa."
"There's no what?"
***
Bring the fight to them. Oh yes, taking the structure of the plan right back to basics would work just fine. It was all coming together again. He rang the doorbell again. "Avon lady?"
"That is the ugliest Goddamn Avon lady I've ever seen." Oh dear. He became aware of a shape looming behind him.
"I'm the Avon lady's bodyguard," said B.A.
It was only a small hitch in the plan.
***
It wasn't going well over the other side of the compound either. "Hey Face, they left the keys in this thing!"
"That's nice, Murdock, but do you want to help me look around?"
"Not really? Oh, okay. Whoa. That's a lot of explosives. Are they all for us?"
"Whoa," repeated Face. "We should probably leave now. Right now. Because I'm not going to be responsible for telling Hannibal exactly how much stuff you've made go boom."
Murdock grinned wildly and grabbed the keys. "If we take the explosives with us, they won't have them anymore!"
"I am not entirely comfortable about travelling in a helicopter packed with explosives, buddy."
"Shut up and start loading, lazy."
***
"We're leaving! Now!" Hannibal called over. Face swung out of the helicopter.
"That's what I said! Mr Just-in-case-we-need-it here wouldn't let me."
"Good work, Captain," said Hannibal. Murdock beamed. "Come along, Corporal."
B.A. started. "Oh hell no. I knew this was gonna happen." He looked at Hannibal. "Didn't I tell you this was gonna happen?"
"Hey B.A.. Does this smell like chloroform to you?"
Face watched as B.A. slowly toppled over. "I can't believe you just did that."
"I can't believe it worked! For someone who hates flying so much, he's sure gullible near helicopters," Murdock began to flick switches.
"Where did you even get that one from?"
"Saw it on T.V.. Hey, don't look at me, it was one of Hannibal's shows. You know what he's like."
"There's nothing wrong with my shows!"
"We're running a little heavy!" said Face. "Maybe we can give them back some of their dynamite?"
"We should nuke the site from orbit," Murdock said solemnly. "It's the only way to be sure."
***
Murdock knocked, for once, on their door. "I'm glad that you said. About the helicopter. And that we planned for it. I was, uh. I was worried." Things that worried Murdock seemed to range from the coffee looking at him funny to whether the smurfs were planning a coup.
"Worried how?" because he apparently just had to know.
"Well, you guys don't really need a pilot anymore. And all I was good for in Face's plan was getting shot at while you guys all ran around saving my ass. And I'm the least likely to be able to handle it out here. So Hannibal might think he was doing me a favour by sending me back."
"Back? Back where?"
"To Germany. Or Mexico, I guess, but they might not take me anymore, what with the whole convicted felon thing."
"Nobody is sending you back nowhere, you understand? I won't let them. I need you to help me build stuff, and to goof off so I can yell at you. I won't let them send you back because I need you." Murdock's eyes flicked up to his face and he grinned.
"So you need me, huh? What else do you need me for?"
Wait what? This was not how B.A. Had imagined that this conversation would go. And he had imagined it a lot. In many different ways. "Picking up your tools? You sure drop them pretty damn often." Then he launched himself into B.A.'s lap. "Too much? I wasn't sure. Okay breathe, big guy! I can move."
He began to get up, but B.A.'s arm shot out entirely of it's own accord and held him in place. "Wait. Just wait. We should talk about this. We should…" he was cut off with a kiss. Okay, never mind the jumping him thing; and that was a phrase B.A. never thought he'd use; Murdock was now attempting to shut him up. That was just wrong. So, so wrong and he would attempt to right that wrong just as soon as Murdock stopped kissing him. Any minute now.
B.A. stopped thinking altogether when Murdock took his shirt off. What with his primary role being back up, B.A. always forgot that Murdock had done all the same training as the rest of them, and probably fell somewhere between Hannibal and Face in terms of toughness. Looking at his body now he had no trouble remembering. Where Face was so well defined you could nearly pick out which machines he'd been using at the gym, Murdock's muscles were just a little softer. He looked like what he was; someone who worked damn hard for a living, and B.A. loved it. He went to touch Murdock's chest and was rewarded with a squeak and a laugh. "Hey! That tickles. Quit poking!" He realised what he'd said and burst into more laughter. "Well, maybe there can be some poking. Just a bit." He pulled B.A.'s shirt over his head before he could answer, trapping his hands with one of his own, then started stroking him through his pants.
After choking back a whimper, B.A. said "We could slow it down. We should slow it down. You might enjoy it more."
"No way," replied Murdock. "I give you time to think, you'll come up with a dozen reasons why this is a bad idea. And this is not a bad idea. You know how I know that?" B.A. shook his head dumbly. "'Cause it's one of mine! And my ideas always work. Sometimes they even work right."
"My reasons would be just fine," he muttered against Murdock's skin. "If I could get a chance to think of them." Murdock grabbed some lube out of his pocket. "What, you just happened to have that in there?" Murdock shrugged, grinned and had him unzipped before B.A. had even half fumbled off Murdock's pants.
"You do not want to know all the stuff I have in my pockets. I'm prepared for everything! Wanted felony, zombie apocalypse, clowns…" his voice trailed off as B.A. began to finger him open, until all that could be heard was panting, "please," and "harder."
"Now," he said finally, and B.A. pushed his way slowly in. He somehow managed not to thrust, and waited until Murdock was comfortable enough to push down on him. "Bosco," Murdock whined, and he got the picture. He rolled them over and started moving while Murdock wrapped his legs around him. Before he knew it, Murdock was making these little half choked out noises beneath him while his speed got more frantic. Murdock came with a yell just after B.A. started to jerk him off, and B.A. followed soon after, collapsing on top of him.
"We are gonna talk about this. Soon." was the last thing he remembered saying before drifting off.
***
Face noticed a distinct lack of shenanigans as he studied the papers they'd stolen. "Murdock?" he called, hoping for a distraction.
"I'm busy."
"It looks like you're reading a comic book to me."
"Thinking."
"Oh, is that what that burning smell is?"
"You wound me, sir! Now shush." Face decided to bring out his secret weapon to get Murdock to pay attention to him. He didn't use it very often, in case Murdock would catch on to the game. He ignored him.
"Face? Face. Faaaaaaaaaaaace."
Jackpot.
"What do you usually do after you've had sex with someone? Well. Not what you do. You run away. I don't want to do that. That's kind of dick move."
Face groaned. He knew he should have stuck with being ignored. "Everybody was right. I knew it. I'm a bad example! Why did you listen to me about having sex with locals? You get attached to people more than I do and then you'll get upset when we can't take them with us."
"I'm pretty sure this isn't a problem I can leave behind, Face."
"Tell me you didn't get her pregnant."
Murdock finally put his comic down. "Her?"
"Wait, it's not a her? Not that there's anything wrong with that! But you're not talking about Mrs. McKenzie? You didn't sleep with her?"
"At least I didn't get B.A. pregnant? Silver lining and all that, chaps."
"I. B.A.? What."
Murdock got up and yelled through the open door. "Guys! I think I broke Face! I don't know how to ctrl-alt-del him." Face tackled him and put a hand over his mouth.
"No, stop! We're cool. We're cool. I just… needed a minute to process. I mean, B.A.? Really?" He pulled his hand away when Murdock licked it. "Ew! Dude, that is so wrong."
"Works, though. You stopped blue screening on me?"
"Murdock's got a boyfriend!" Face sang. "You love him and you want to kiss him."
Murdock attempted to smack him.
"Okay, are we done being five? I need to show you something. I think I know what Joe Griffiths is after."
"Wait, really?"
"Yeah. You see this?" Face waved one of the documents Hannibal and B.A. had haphazardly grabbed, "it says Griffiths tried to stake a claim for mineral rights on the land the McKenzie's motel is on. I guess he decided running her out of town is a better option than, you know. Paying her. And that's why they had to have so much dynamite."
"Heh, they don't have so much now. Hey wait, we're literally sitting on a gold mine? That's so awesome!"
"Well, no. It's not gonna turn out to be a gold mine. Those are all gone now. It might be quartz or tin or something, though."
"Do you think they have any panning equipment? Oh, I bet I could get Bosco to make me some!"
"Murdock, I'm not blowing off the mission to go panning for gold with you. This one has to go right, or we don’t eat."
"Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me, 'cause I come from Alabama with my banjo on my knee!"
Face put his head in his hands.
***
"But where are your monkeys?" asked Murdock.
"My…? Oh!" she laughed. "The boys are covering for me. Again. You guys are really wrecking my assignment with your constant demands for attention. I thought Face was the only one who did that, but no. You're all as bad as him. I am thisclose to finding Lynch and Pike, people. Why are you wasting my time?"
Face brought out Toby and Kate, under extreme protest. He had claimed that Charissa Sosa had a heart of stone and would remain unmoved by the plight of small children. B.A. had argued that no one could look at their little faces and not want to help. Face claimed that B.A. was projecting his kid issues all over the situation. B.A. said that Face was projecting his relationship issues all over the place. B.A. had finally won the argument by threatening to thump him.
"These two were beaten by people trying to force them out of their home," Hannibal said gently. Sosa glared at him for a long time, then sighed.
"What do I have to do?"
"You just have to make sure a very nice lady gets to the town hall and back to stake a mining claim, without anyone trying to stop her."
"Why me?"
"The guys who want her stopped? They've seen us. They don't know you, though. You can get this done with much less hassle."
"You," she pointed to Mrs. McKenzie. "Come with me before I change my mind." With that, Sosa stole Murdock's hat and placed it on the woman's head. "There. Much less conspicuous," she dragged her out of the room.
"My hat!"
"Hey, Murdock," B.A. grabbed his shoulder, "I just need to talk to you."
"But my hat."
"You'll have to wait," said Hannibal. "I need you to watch the kids while Murdock brings the van around for a few modifications."
"It's my van!"
"And I want to come back to a motel that's in one piece, which it won't be if Murdock is left watching them. Will it, Captain?" Murdock smiled and shook his head. "Give him the keys, B.A.. Don't you trust him?"
"Not with my… I mean. Yeah. Of course." he threw the keys to Murdock.
"But my hat. I feel like Samson after a hair cut."
***
"Are you going to shoot people?" asked Mrs. McKenzie, almost unrecognisable under Murdock's hat and a very large pair of sunglasses.
"I'm going to try real hard not to. It would be difficult to explain why I was here. And on this side of the fight."
"Do I get a gun?"
"Not unless you have the appropriate training."
"Oh. I don’t."
"Yeah, I kind of guessed that. What's your first name?" asked Sosa.
"Karen. What's yours?"
"You don't need to know that. I just didn't want to have to shout 'Mrs. McKenzie!' across the room if we got into trouble. Karen is shorter."
"But what do I call you?"
"Captain." Sosa scanned the room. "Here's how it's gonna go. You're gonna go up there, make nice to the teller, whatever. I'll be right beside you all the way, but don't try to draw me into conversation. It'll be distracting."
Which is just how it went, right until Sosa spotted a guy watching them. "Are you done yet?"
"Nearly."
"Be done soon. We have to go. Now."
"Done!"
Sosa grabbed Karen's hand and hauled her through the room to the stairwell. "Ditch the shoes if you have to, but we need to be gone." They made it to the first floor without a hitch, until Sosa cracked the door open. "There's a guy posted between us and the door," she said. "I need you to get in the cupboard under the stairs and stay there until I come back. Can you do that?" Karen nodded.
"Hey, man. Do you know where the mining department is? My friend needs to stake a claim." Sosa watched his face fall as he realised. "Yeah. Sorry." She punched him in the face. He reeled, but came back and hit her in the ribs. She swept the legs out from under him, caught him by the hair and bounced his head off the hard floor.
Sosa opened the door. "We're going!"
Karen took a sharp intake of breath when she saw the prone man. "But shouldn't we stay and explain to the police…"
"The last thing I need is to be explaining what I'm doing here. I am in the DoD, I'm not supposed to be getting into fights in the town hall to protect friends of wanted criminals."
"…I don't know any wanted criminals. But we're in the right!"
"That doesn't always matter. And no, of course you don't. I just lost the run of myself there a little," she pointed at Karen's hat, "and you need to give that back, otherwise we're both dead."
***
"Murdock's bringing the van," said Face. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I have no idea what you mean."
"You suck at pretending to be okay. I’m gonna take a look at those ribs when the van arrives."
Distant singing let him know both that Murdock was on his way, and that he'd moved onto 'My Darling Clementine'. He heard a crash, then a grinding noise and covered his eyes with a hand, "and I assume that would be him now."
"I'll let you sort this out, shall I?" asked Sosa.
"Uh," Face looked at the wreckage. "I may need a little help here. You know anything about mechanics?"
"I just came to give the damn hat back!"
They watched Murdock get out and comically clap both hands over his head as he noticed the spoiler was halfway down the back of the van.
"Seriously, how did you not know that it wouldn't fit? There's a sign right there. Look, 'height 6'4" only.' The van's at least two inches higher than that," said Sosa as she attempted to lift the spoiler back on top of it. Murdock continued to stride across the top of the van, so she poked him in the ankle with a wrench.
"Hey, if you keep hitting me…" he put his fists up and bounced along the roof. "Lemme at 'em! I'll splat 'em!"
She laughed and said "Whatever, man. Whatever. I could take you."
"It's not like I ever get to drive this van anyway! B.A. said I'd mess it up." Sosa very carefully looked at Murdock, then the van. "I can't tell how high it is from the inside! Do you think B.A. would let me drive it more often if we told him? He might think I need the practice."
They finally, finally got it all repaired just as Hannibal arrived. "That's great work, kids, but you fixed it inside the parking lot. How are you planning on getting it out again?" As one, they groaned.
"It wasn't my fault, Hannibal! Look, the bar sags in the middle."
"That's brilliant, Murdock!"
"It is?"
"Yes! In fact, for being the one to point that out to me, you can direct. Captain Sosa, if you could get in the driver's seat?"
"Hannibal, I never say this, but this is a terrible plan." said Face.
"You always complain when you get the heavy lifting," said Hannibal as they pushed the bar up to its maximum height so the van could get through.
Face opened the back door of the van and went to pull Sosa inside. Hannibal raised an eyebrow. "She busted her ribs, boss."
"Bruised! I only bruised them!" she said.
"I'm just checking them out. For her."
"Leave the door open, you two."
Face laughed. "B.A. and Murdock don’t!"
"B.A. and Murdock what?" asked Sosa.
"See?" said Face as he clipped Murdock across the back of the head. "It's a totally normal reaction."
"I hate to break this to you, but if she's doing it, it ain't a normal reaction." He ducked as Sosa tried to steal his hat again. "Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!"
Inside the van, Sosa lifted her shirt up slightly. "Don't get any ideas. I'll snap your neck."
Face raised his hands. "I'm not doing anything!"
"Yet. I remember what you're like."
"Hey, you kissed me last time."
"That was cover for helping to break you out! I'm not doing it again.” he grinned at her. "I'm not!"
"Not even if we get captured again?"
"Not even for a Goddamn Scooby Snack."
***
part 3