I Know What They Parodied Last Summer (btvs-mst3k fic)
Title: I Know What They Parodied Last Summer an MST of I Know What You Did Last Summer. (3/5)
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Pairing: Buffy, Xander, Spike, and Willow. It's sort of Willow/Spike. They don't actually pair up during this, but they will in later ones. There is some flirting with them, and other things. Very subtle for now.
Rating: R for language and some sexual references.
Genre: Parody, humor.
Summary: An MST-style fic. I stuck Willow, Buffy, Xander, and Spike into a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read on then, it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.
Disclaimer: I don't own any show or movie mentioned, or the characters in them. For full disclaimer, see chapter 1 as it's making the heading here huge.
********
The four of them got up to check it out. The door itself was starting to fill in. Dark wood was being colored in place. It was frozen in time at the moment, but most of the way filled. Half a brass doorknob was visible, and one of the brass hinges, but not much more than that.
Spike sat back down, obviously eager to finish up and get out of there. "Come on, come on, we're almost free. Let's go."
They wasted no time in joining him in the chairs and diving back into the script.
********
XANDER: Um, where were we?
BUFFY: Julie just told Missy that she looked familiar.
XANDER: Right. Now I remember.
--what year?
Missy -
Ah class of '88.
SPIKE: (as Missy, in a snooty voice) Ah, yes, '88, I remember it well. It was a year of big hair, and tight clothing... good times, good times.
--Julie -
Your name, Egan, it sounds very fimiliar, do you have a brother or something?
Missy -
I did but he was younger than me, David, younger.
XANDER: (as Missy) David, younger. Me, older. Talk like Yoda I do.
--Julie -
What class was he?
BUFFY: (as Missy) Oh, um, he was lower class.
--Missy -
Ah '92 but he's dead, he died last july.
Julie -
I'm so sorry.
WILLOW: (as Julie) ...for smacking into him with a car and then drowning him and stuff.
BUFFY: (as Missy) Oh, that's ok, I didn't like him that much anyway.
--Missy -
Thanks.
Julie -
Do you ah,
SPIKE: (as Missy) Not very often. Do you ah a lot? I could use someone to ah with. I've been ah-less lately.
WILLOW: (as Julie) How much ah do you need?
SPIKE: (as Missy) Not a lot, just some.
WILLOW: (as Julie, with great relish) So you want some ah, therefore you would be ah-some.
XANDER: (groans) That was bad. Real bad.
BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
--do you live alone?
XANDER: Is that her sneaky way of asking if Missy's single?
SPIKE: No, that's her extremely obvious way of asking if she's there alone so they can come back later and kill her.
WILLOW: Somehow I don't think that's the plan.
SPIKE: (shrugs) Always worked for me.
WILLOW: (turns pale)
SPIKE: (laughs)
--Missy -
Yeah, ah well my daddy died a long time ago and my mama she's in a home you know in Aurora because she didn't take, take too well to what happened with David. Things just haven't been the same since he died.
BUFFY: Welcome to Convoluted Sentences 'R Us.
XANDER: (as Julie) Really? 'Cause, things were peachy when my daddy died. Guess you guys actually liked your dead relative.
--A long pause and then Helen walks over after her phone call.
Helen -
They're on their way.
XANDER: (as Helen) ...to charge us up the wazoo, and take advantage of us.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Yay!
--Missy -
I could make you guys a cup of tea while you're waiting.
BUFFY: (as Missy) ...for those guys to take advantage of you.
--Helen -
Thanks.
Julie -
Yeah thanks, that's nice of you.
--Missy smiles and walks into the kitchen. Helen and Julie are looking at pictures of David and Missy in happier times.
Helen -
You know I think I remember David, he had a friend right? what was his name?
Missy (from the kitchen) -
Who?
XANDER: ...is on first.
--Helen -
Didn't he hang out with this guy, I mean they were really close, god what was his name.
XANDER: No, What Was His Name was on second. Who was on first.
--Missy -
Oh, I don't know, I didn't know too many of Davids friends
BUFFY: (as Missy) They were younger and skankier than me, beneath me really.
SPIKE: (snarls)
BUFFY: (to Spike) What's your problem?
SPIKE: (calms down) Nothing.
--Helen -
Oh
XANDER: I.
BUFFY: C.
--Missy -
But there, there was one guy, one guy, he stopped by not too long after Davids death and and he came to pay his respects.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Really really. Did he, did he?
--Julie -
Really??
WILLOW: (as Julie) I was kidding. I didn't really think David had any friends! Wow, I guess even losers have friends.
--Missy -
Oh, yeah he was a really nice guy, he was cute and smart. And well we were sweet on each other for about two minutes, but it didn't work out you know. He never really said it but I think it hurt him to be around me.
SPIKE: No, I think it was because you're ugly as sin, and a hick to boot.
--Helen -
Where is this old friend now?
BUFFY: (as Helen) He'll want me, 'cause I'm pretty, and not a hick.
--Missy -
Oh I don't know.
XANDER: (as Missy) I was just kidding. There wasn't really a guy, you caught me.
--Helen -
Do you remember his name?
XANDER: (as Missy) His pretend name?
--Missy -
Billy.
ALL: (look at Spike)
SPIKE: What are you looking at?
BUFFY: (chuckles) Nothing... Billy.
SPIKE: (not amused) The name was William. Key word being 'was'.
--Helen -
Did he have a last name?
XANDER: (as Missy) Nah, I only pretend named him Billy.
--Missy is looking up remembering her time with Billy Blue.
XANDER: (as Missy) All those times we pretend skied, and pretend kissed... it was great. But the best part was when we pretend slept together.
--Missy -
Blue...Billy Blue
BUFFY: (as Missy) ...come blow your horn.
--Julie -
Well you know what?
WILLOW: (as Missy) Never met him.
--We should probably wait back at the car.
Missy -
No don't be ridiculous, why don't... ah stay.
Julie -
No, I don't want to miss triple A.
XANDER: (as Julie) He's fighting Triple H, should be a kick-ass match.
--Helen -
We apreciate the phone.
WILLOW: (as Helen) We appreciate inanimate objects.
--The begin to leave, Missy yells as they are leaving...
ALL: (yell) Get out!
--Missy -
Anytime you know, I don't get too many knocks on my door nowadays.
EXT.- Julies Car --- They have just left Missys house and Julie is upset.
Helen -
You okay?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Duh, no, I'm upset.
--Julie -
I wigged out I'm sorry. But being in his house and seeing his sister. God do you see what we've done?
Helen -
It was an accident.
Julie -
Helen we killed a man and then ruined the lives of everyone he knew.
WILLOW: (as Helen) It was fun, wasn't it?
--Helen -
I don't think we're that powerful Julie, You're giving us way too much credit.
XANDER: (as Helen) Yeah, see, we're not that smart.
Missy runs up along side of the car and pounds on the window making Julie and Helen jump.
Missy -
Hey! You forgot your cigarettes.
Julie -
Thank you.
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...for bringing us back our cancer sticks. We couldn't get, and help spread, diseases without them.
--Missy -
Well I see you got this car started didn't ya?
Julie -
Yeah damndest thing, it started right up.
Missy -
Funny how that happens.
Julie drives away as Missy is still talking leaving Missy with a sinister look on her face.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Here you go, Missy, I got this sinister look just for you.
--EXT. - Helens house --- Julie and Helen are in the car still, Julie is dropping Helen off.
Helen -
So what now?
XANDER: (as Julie) Now you get out of the car and go inside your house... haven't you ever been dropped off before?
BUFFY: (as Helen) Um, no, Barry made me walk home. You know, for such a rich guy, he sure did run low on gas a lot.
WILLOW: (snickers)
--Julie -
Now we try and locate this Billy Blue.
Helen -
Maybe he wanted to die.
Julie -
What?
Helen -
David Egan.
ALL: Who?
--His girlfriend was killed on that same road july 4th one year earlier,.
WILLOW: What a blatant use of punctuation. The transcriber is a punctuation ho.
--Maybe he blammed himself,
SPIKE: He was blamming himself in the road, in the middle of the night? There are better places to blam oneself, bud.
BUFFY: (primly) And we don't want to hear about any of them, thank you.
--maybe he was sitting in the road waiting for us to hit him.
Julie -
Yeah if that'll help you sleep at night.
Helen -
What happened between us? We used to be best friends.
Julie -
We used to be a lot of things.
XANDER: (as Julie) Like men.
--Helen -
I miss you.
No response from Julie. Helen sees that the feeling isn't mutual.
BUFFY: Ok, and on behalf of the human race I'll say what everyone is thinking right now. 'What a bitch!'
WILLOW: Thank you.
XANDER: Well said.
SPIKE: She is in need of a bit of an attitude adjustment.
--Helen -
Yeah. Well.
BUFFY: (as Helen) ...you smell, and your hair is stringy.
--She gets out of the car and Julie drives away without saying a word.
INT. - Helens house - Helen walks into the living room and sees her father sitting watching TV.
Helen -
Hey Dad.
Her father is too wrapped up in the ball game to notice his daughter. She walks into the kitchen and pours a glass of diet coke while the killer is sneaking in the front door and working his way up the stairs. Helen finishes her drink and goes up to her bedrooom just in time to miss seeing who just went up before her. She gets to her room but no one is there. She changes into her night clothes and looks at the crown that she will have to give back the next day. Suddenly a hand is moving towards her and touches her on the arm, she jumps and turns around, it's Elsa.
WILLOW: I'm in information overload.
XANDER: I'm with ya.
--Elsa -
Hey is the washed up, dried out, has-been having a moment?
BUFFY: (as Helen) I don't know, are you?
--Helen -
What do you want?
Elsa -
We're doing inventory at the store tomorrow and I need you there by ten.
Helen sits on her bed brushing her hair.
WILLOW: ...with a fork.
OTHERS: O_O
WILLOW: I'm running dry with the wit.
XANDER: It is getting a bit harder, isn't it?
BUFFY: (sighs) I thought it was just me.
SPIKE: It is.
BUFFY: Shut up, Spike.
--Helen -
I can't, I'm in the parade tomorrow.
Elsa -
Well dad put me in charge of the store and I want you there by ten.
Helen -
The outgoing queen has to ride in the parade prior to the padgent,
WILLOW: (twitches)
XANDER: Breathe, Will, breathe.
SPIKE: (to Willow) What happened to fixing it in your head?
WILLOW: I'm losing my resistance. My will is weak.
BUFFY: We're almost done, Willow, hang on. You can make it.
WILLOW: (breathing slowly) I'll try.
--it's tradition, there's nothing I can do about it.
Elsa -
You and your hair, it's so pathetic.
BUFFY: Look Will, random insults!
WILLOW: (halfheartedly) Yay.
BUFFY: Your eyes are crooked, it's so pathetic.
XANDER: You have a slight overbite, it's so pathetic.
SPIKE: Your breasts are small, it's so pathetic.
WILLOW: Your nose is... um, pointy, it's so pathetic.
XANDER: See? It's not so bad. One joke at a time, Will, one joke at a time.
--Helen -
You can leave now.
ALL: Yay! (then) Oh...
WILLOW: (sadly) She wasn't talking to us.
--Elsa -
So very pathetic...
she says while shutting the door. Helen gets in bed and shuts the lights out.
BUFFY: ...with a custom-made light shutter-outer...
SPIKE: Speaking of pathetic...
BUFFY: Shut up, Spike.
--INT. - Helens bedroom --- Helen is just waking up. She feels her crown on her head and begins to take it off, bunches of her hair come off with it. She starts to freak out and runs to the mirror and sees the word "SOON" written in bold letters on it and she screams loudly and smashes the mirror.
XANDER: (as Helen) Drat! It's those same bold letters again. Die, letters, die!
--INT. - Julies house --- Julie picks up a ringing telephone.
BUFFY: Better than picking up a silent one.
--Julie -
Hello?
short pause.
Julie -
Oh my god.
WILLOW: (as Julie) ...someone called me a bimbo?
--She runs out of the house and jumops in her car and takes off.
ALL: O_O
WILLOW: Um...
OTHERS: (hold their breath, waiting to see if she's finally going to break permanently)
WILLOW: She shouldn't do that. It sounds painful.
OTHERS: (breathe a sigh of relief)
-- In the car she hears a noise coming from the back seat, there is nothing there, she stops the car and opens the trunk and sees the rotting corpse of Max being eaten by crabs, he is wearing Barrys jacket. She screams and slams the trunk thinking what to do and then takes off running.
INT. - Helens bedroom --- Barry is comforting Helen after her hellish ordeal. Julie runs in the room.
XANDER: (as Helen) If it isn't miss I-Always-Have-To-Be-The-Center-Of-Attention.
BUFFY: (as Julie) I just go by Julie these days, you should try it, miss I'm-A-Big-Baby-'Cause-Someone-Chopped-Off-My-Hair-During-The Night.
--EXT. - Julies car --- Barry, Helen and Julie are walking towards the car.
Barry -
Are you sure he was dead?
WILLOW: (as Julie, smacks her head) Oh, darn, you know what? I totally forgot to check. You know, between the crabs all over him, and the decaying, rotting state of his flesh... I just completely spaced it out. Sorry.
--Julie -
Don't ask me that again, he was dead okay? I saw him with these... with these crabs.
XANDER: (as Barry) Max has crabs?
--Julie passes the keys to Barry.
Julie -
You do it.
XANDER: (as Barry) I'm not gonna do it, you do it.
BUFFY: (as Julie) I'm not gonna do it, you do it.
WILLOW: (as Barry) I'm not gonna do it, you do it.
SPIKE: I'm not gonna say it.
--Barry opens the trunk and sees that it is empty and very clean looking. Julie is upset.
Julie -
No don't, don't even,
XANDER: (as Julie) Do odd.
--he was there god dammit and he was wearing your jacket Barry.
Barry -
Where'd he go? Did the crabs carry him away?
WILLOW: (as Julie) Yes.
Julie -
I swear to God.
BUFFY: Random swearing?
WILLOW: Looks like it.
XANDER: She shouldn't swear.
--Helen -
I believe you Julie.
SPIKE: (as Helen) Pay no attention to the condescension in my voice, you're just hearing things
--Julie -
He took the body, he came and he took the body.
Barry -
Why would he do that?
Julie -
I don't know Barry okay?
WILLOW: (as Helen) Well, ok, but um, how can you not know Barry? He's the guy you're yelling at.
--Why would he try to run you over? Why'd he make coleslaw in Helens head?
XANDER: Wait. When did that happen? Where were we?
BUFFY: I hear coleslaw is great for dry hair.
WILLOW: (nods) So is macaroni salad.
--He's fucking with us.
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)
WILLOW: (to Spike) Why don't you not?
SPIKE: Prude.
WILLOW: Pervert.
--Barry -
Come on Julie let's go back to the house?
XANDER: (as Julie) Ok, let's do that?
BUFFY: (as Helen) Sounds good to me?
WILLOW: (as Barry) Cool, let's go?
--Julie -
Where's your jacket Barry?
BUFFY: (as Barry) Why? I'm not cold. It's sweet of you to be concerned though.
--Don't you see?
WILLOW: Ok, has she just completely given up on sense? Random sentences are all well and good, not to mention fun, but there's only so far one should take it.
XANDER: (to Willow) She passed that line?
WILLOW: Oh, yeah, about two lines into the movie.
--He's got us now, okay this is exactly what he wants, we can't go to the police,
SPIKE: Why not?
--not now, he's made sure of that.
SPIKE: How? What the hell is she on about?
--He's just out there and he's watching us and waiting.
She turns and looks around and starts screaming...
ALL: AHHHHHH!
WILLOW: Ok, this girl screams way too much.
XANDER: (sarcastically) Ya think?
--Julie -
What are you waiting for huh? What are you waiting for????
BUFFY: (as killer) You to shut up.
--EXT. - Helens house --- The three are walking towards the house and Ray is walking towards them.
Julie -
What are you doing here?
Ray -
I've been looking everywhere for you guys.
Barry -
You're gonna die.
XANDER: (as Ray) Well, yeah, someday, thanks for reminding me.
--Barry walks up and punches Ray in the face with his fist which is still in a cast.
WILLOW: Still?
BUFFY: His hand's in a cast?
WILLOW: Thanks for telling us, the reader.
--Julie -
Hey, hey stop it.
BUFFY: (as Julie) You're supposed to fight over me!
--Ray -
What are you going?
XANDER: When are you stealing?
BUFFY: Why are you doing?
WILLOW: Who are you going?
SPIKE: You guys have some serious problems.
--Julie -
Stop it.
Ray -
I didn't do anything.
Barry -
You're fucking lying. He's lying.
XANDER: What the heck are they talking about? They're mocking themselves... they're doing our job for us.
SPIKE: Good.
--Julie -
Leave him alone Barry, get a grip.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Like, what's your problem? Dysfunctional much?
--Barry -
No wake up Julie, he's behind this. How many fucked up fishermen are out there?
WILLOW: (as Julie, thinking) Umm... ten? Are there ten? Did I get it right? What do I win?
SPIKE: (as Barry, snickers) You get to suck on my--
WILLOW: (turning to Spike) Why are you so perverted?
SPIKE: 'Cause it's fun?
WILLOW: Maybe for you.
SPIKE: Does anyone else matter?
WILLOW: Apparently not.
--Ray -
Look, he's after me too. I got a letter.
XANDER: Ooo, a letter! How scary!
--Barry -
Oh you got a letter? I got run over. Helen gets her hair chopped off. Julie gets a body in a trunk and you get a letter?? That's balanced?
ALL: No.
--Ray -
What body? What are you talking about?
BUFFY: (as Barry) Just Max. He's dead, no biggie.
--Barry -
Drop the act. You killed Max, you took my jacket.
WILLOW: Ok, in Barry's mind, which offense is worse?
OTHERS: The jacket.
SPIKE: Understandable. Anyone took my duster I'd have to kill 'em.
BUFFY: Darn, too bad you're unable to inflict harm on others... sucks for you.
XANDER: (chuckles) Actually, there's no sucking involved with Spike anymore.
WILLOW: (chiding) Guys, don't be rude.
--Ray -
Max is dead?
XANDER: What? When did this happen? Where were we?
WILLOW: Right there every step of the way, unfortunately.
XANDER: Oh, yeah.
--Barry -
What is it with you Ray? You were dogging us from the start
XANDER: Arf!
--weren't you? Always wanting to be our friend, always wanting to be one of us but you were too fucking jealous to handle it
WILLOW: The dish ran away with the spoon, and the period ran away from the words.
--Ray -
Fuck you!
WILLOW: (offended) Sorry, geez.
--Julie -
Stop it! Look, we have to stick togeather alright?
XANDER: You do that... stick togeather, we'll stick together over here.
--We have to help each other.
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...otherwise we'll never learn how to spell.
--Barry -
Okay so if it's not fisherboy here then who is it and how do we find him?
Julie -
We think his name is Billy Blue.
BUFFY: (as Julie) But we're idiots, so we're not sure.
--Ray -
How do you know that?
BUFFY: (as Julie) 'Cause when we walk down the street, people yell, 'Hey, idiots!'
--Helen -
Missy, said there was a friend named Billy Blue.
WILLOW: (as Helen) But then again, she also said the walls told her to leave popcorn for the mice living in the tiny huts in the woods behind her house, so we're kinda iffy on the whole Billy Blue thing.
--Julie -
Who probably went to school with David Egan
ALL: Who?
--so according to sis that would make him class of '92.
Helen -
Elsa was class of '92. Maybe there's something in her yearbook.
XANDER: (as Helen) We're so smart when we're deducting stuff.
BUFFY: (as Julie) It's deducing, you stupid-head.
--INT. - Helens bedroom --- They are all looking through the yearbook at David Egans picture.
Ray -
So that's him huh?
BUFFY: (as Ray) He's so cute! If he was still alive, I'd do him.
SPIKE: (looks at the others) She gets away with it, but I get bitched at?
WILLOW: Yes.
XANDER: Yes.
BUFFY: (sticks her tongue out at Spike) Ha ha.
SPIKE: (growls at Buffy) Eat me.
--Hard to believe that's the guy.
Barry -
Yeah his face isn't splattered all over the road dumbass.
XANDER: You know, I'm not sure, but I think Barry has a little aggression that he needs to work out.
WILLOW: (agreeing) He has issues.
--Maybe Blue's not his real name.
Julie -
That's right, he could have easily lied to Missy, we did.
Helen -
Maybe we should bring the yearbook to Missy, if she had it in front of her...
Julie -
...She could point him out.
XANDER: (as Helen) Well, actually, I was gonna say she could look at all the pretty pictures, but yours is good too.
--Ray -
I'm not going anywhere. High school mugshots, what???
BUFFY: Why???
WILLOW: Who???
XANDER: Huh???
SPIKE: (silent)
--Julie -
I'll go, you've got that parade today.
WILLOW: Ray has a parade?
SPIKE: Gay Pride.
WILLOW: Cool. Barry should go with him.
SPIKE: He's the Queen.
--Helen -
Forget it.
XANDER: (as Helen) I don't wanna be there if Barry's going, he'll upstage me as the queen.
--Julie -
No you need to be there in case he shows up.
Helen -
I don't want him to show up.
BUFFY: (as Julie) What? You mean, you don't want him to show up and kill you? Well, damn it, ruin my fun!
--Julie -
Helen this could be our chance, we could catch him. I'll go to Missys, Barry you go to the parade with Helen and don't let her out of your sight, if he shows up...
XANDER: (as Barry, effeminately) I'll run like the dickens! I don't want to face this guy alone. (shudders) Scary!
--Barry -
I'll pound his ass.
ALL: (to Spike) Don't even think about it!
SPIKE: Wasn't even gonna bother.
WILLOW: See, you can do it.
SPIKE: Well, and often.
WILLOW: (snorts with laughter) That was terrible, Spike.
SPIKE: (shrugs, leans over) Maybe, but it's also true.
BUFFY: (yanks Spike away from Willow) You wanna quit bothering Willow?
SPIKE: (snickers) Who says she's bothered in any way other than hot and bothered?
XANDER: Ok, pal, that's enough. (stands up angrily) Keep your snide, perverted comments to yourself. At least until we get out of here.
********
Spike jumped up as well, sick of the whole situation. "Back off, you blasted moron."
Willow sighed heavily. "Xander, I'm not two years old, I can take care of myself." She turned to Spike with an even heavier sigh. "Spike, will you just knock it off until we're free? It's obvious that you don't like us, and the feeling's pretty much mutual, so let's just get through this, ok?"
Spike lit a cigarette and stretched his neck until it cracked. "Whatever." He moved away from the three of them, and sat in the white chair across the room. "Blood," he said, waiting until the green light deposited his meal on the floor in front of him. Smoke swirled around him as he drank the mug of human blood, savoring the taste for what was most likely the last time in a long time.
Buffy got to her feet, glaring at him, trying to kill him with sheer willpower. "I don't even know why you're still alive. You can probably thank Giles for that."
Spike ignored her, she annoyed him too much to pay her any mind. Instead, he watched Willow bend and stretch and groan as a particularly tight muscle was strained almost beyond the breaking point. He didn't hide his leer at seeing her body bend in almost impossible positions, but he probably should have. Buffy suddenly appeared in front of him, hands on hips, and a furious frown on her lips.
She tossed a look behind her at Willow and Xander who were talking quietly by the almost completely-formed door, and who were oblivious to the two of them. "Touch her, ever, and you'll occupy less space than a bread crumb. I mean it," she whispered, "I've threatened you before, and never done anything about it, but when it comes to my friends and my family, I'm prepared to back up my words with actions, and then some. Got it?"
Spike shrugged. She glared some more, pissing him off even more than he already was, which was no easy feat. He waved her away with his hand, pretending she hadn't affected him in the slightest. "You can go now, Slayer."
She tossed him one last glare, turned on her heel and walked away, joining Xander and Willow. Spike downed the last of the blood and sat down in the chair by the door. The others sat down a few minutes later.
On to chapter 4.
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Pairing: Buffy, Xander, Spike, and Willow. It's sort of Willow/Spike. They don't actually pair up during this, but they will in later ones. There is some flirting with them, and other things. Very subtle for now.
Rating: R for language and some sexual references.
Genre: Parody, humor.
Summary: An MST-style fic. I stuck Willow, Buffy, Xander, and Spike into a room, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read on then, it should clear up some of your confusion... but not much.
Disclaimer: I don't own any show or movie mentioned, or the characters in them. For full disclaimer, see chapter 1 as it's making the heading here huge.
********
The four of them got up to check it out. The door itself was starting to fill in. Dark wood was being colored in place. It was frozen in time at the moment, but most of the way filled. Half a brass doorknob was visible, and one of the brass hinges, but not much more than that.
Spike sat back down, obviously eager to finish up and get out of there. "Come on, come on, we're almost free. Let's go."
They wasted no time in joining him in the chairs and diving back into the script.
********
XANDER: Um, where were we?
BUFFY: Julie just told Missy that she looked familiar.
XANDER: Right. Now I remember.
--what year?
Missy -
Ah class of '88.
SPIKE: (as Missy, in a snooty voice) Ah, yes, '88, I remember it well. It was a year of big hair, and tight clothing... good times, good times.
--Julie -
Your name, Egan, it sounds very fimiliar, do you have a brother or something?
Missy -
I did but he was younger than me, David, younger.
XANDER: (as Missy) David, younger. Me, older. Talk like Yoda I do.
--Julie -
What class was he?
BUFFY: (as Missy) Oh, um, he was lower class.
--Missy -
Ah '92 but he's dead, he died last july.
Julie -
I'm so sorry.
WILLOW: (as Julie) ...for smacking into him with a car and then drowning him and stuff.
BUFFY: (as Missy) Oh, that's ok, I didn't like him that much anyway.
--Missy -
Thanks.
Julie -
Do you ah,
SPIKE: (as Missy) Not very often. Do you ah a lot? I could use someone to ah with. I've been ah-less lately.
WILLOW: (as Julie) How much ah do you need?
SPIKE: (as Missy) Not a lot, just some.
WILLOW: (as Julie, with great relish) So you want some ah, therefore you would be ah-some.
XANDER: (groans) That was bad. Real bad.
BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
--do you live alone?
XANDER: Is that her sneaky way of asking if Missy's single?
SPIKE: No, that's her extremely obvious way of asking if she's there alone so they can come back later and kill her.
WILLOW: Somehow I don't think that's the plan.
SPIKE: (shrugs) Always worked for me.
WILLOW: (turns pale)
SPIKE: (laughs)
--Missy -
Yeah, ah well my daddy died a long time ago and my mama she's in a home you know in Aurora because she didn't take, take too well to what happened with David. Things just haven't been the same since he died.
BUFFY: Welcome to Convoluted Sentences 'R Us.
XANDER: (as Julie) Really? 'Cause, things were peachy when my daddy died. Guess you guys actually liked your dead relative.
--A long pause and then Helen walks over after her phone call.
Helen -
They're on their way.
XANDER: (as Helen) ...to charge us up the wazoo, and take advantage of us.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Yay!
--Missy -
I could make you guys a cup of tea while you're waiting.
BUFFY: (as Missy) ...for those guys to take advantage of you.
--Helen -
Thanks.
Julie -
Yeah thanks, that's nice of you.
--Missy smiles and walks into the kitchen. Helen and Julie are looking at pictures of David and Missy in happier times.
Helen -
You know I think I remember David, he had a friend right? what was his name?
Missy (from the kitchen) -
Who?
XANDER: ...is on first.
--Helen -
Didn't he hang out with this guy, I mean they were really close, god what was his name.
XANDER: No, What Was His Name was on second. Who was on first.
--Missy -
Oh, I don't know, I didn't know too many of Davids friends
BUFFY: (as Missy) They were younger and skankier than me, beneath me really.
SPIKE: (snarls)
BUFFY: (to Spike) What's your problem?
SPIKE: (calms down) Nothing.
--Helen -
Oh
XANDER: I.
BUFFY: C.
--Missy -
But there, there was one guy, one guy, he stopped by not too long after Davids death and and he came to pay his respects.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Really really. Did he, did he?
--Julie -
Really??
WILLOW: (as Julie) I was kidding. I didn't really think David had any friends! Wow, I guess even losers have friends.
--Missy -
Oh, yeah he was a really nice guy, he was cute and smart. And well we were sweet on each other for about two minutes, but it didn't work out you know. He never really said it but I think it hurt him to be around me.
SPIKE: No, I think it was because you're ugly as sin, and a hick to boot.
--Helen -
Where is this old friend now?
BUFFY: (as Helen) He'll want me, 'cause I'm pretty, and not a hick.
--Missy -
Oh I don't know.
XANDER: (as Missy) I was just kidding. There wasn't really a guy, you caught me.
--Helen -
Do you remember his name?
XANDER: (as Missy) His pretend name?
--Missy -
Billy.
ALL: (look at Spike)
SPIKE: What are you looking at?
BUFFY: (chuckles) Nothing... Billy.
SPIKE: (not amused) The name was William. Key word being 'was'.
--Helen -
Did he have a last name?
XANDER: (as Missy) Nah, I only pretend named him Billy.
--Missy is looking up remembering her time with Billy Blue.
XANDER: (as Missy) All those times we pretend skied, and pretend kissed... it was great. But the best part was when we pretend slept together.
--Missy -
Blue...Billy Blue
BUFFY: (as Missy) ...come blow your horn.
--Julie -
Well you know what?
WILLOW: (as Missy) Never met him.
--We should probably wait back at the car.
Missy -
No don't be ridiculous, why don't... ah stay.
Julie -
No, I don't want to miss triple A.
XANDER: (as Julie) He's fighting Triple H, should be a kick-ass match.
--Helen -
We apreciate the phone.
WILLOW: (as Helen) We appreciate inanimate objects.
--The begin to leave, Missy yells as they are leaving...
ALL: (yell) Get out!
--Missy -
Anytime you know, I don't get too many knocks on my door nowadays.
EXT.- Julies Car --- They have just left Missys house and Julie is upset.
Helen -
You okay?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Duh, no, I'm upset.
--Julie -
I wigged out I'm sorry. But being in his house and seeing his sister. God do you see what we've done?
Helen -
It was an accident.
Julie -
Helen we killed a man and then ruined the lives of everyone he knew.
WILLOW: (as Helen) It was fun, wasn't it?
--Helen -
I don't think we're that powerful Julie, You're giving us way too much credit.
XANDER: (as Helen) Yeah, see, we're not that smart.
Missy runs up along side of the car and pounds on the window making Julie and Helen jump.
Missy -
Hey! You forgot your cigarettes.
Julie -
Thank you.
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...for bringing us back our cancer sticks. We couldn't get, and help spread, diseases without them.
--Missy -
Well I see you got this car started didn't ya?
Julie -
Yeah damndest thing, it started right up.
Missy -
Funny how that happens.
Julie drives away as Missy is still talking leaving Missy with a sinister look on her face.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Here you go, Missy, I got this sinister look just for you.
--EXT. - Helens house --- Julie and Helen are in the car still, Julie is dropping Helen off.
Helen -
So what now?
XANDER: (as Julie) Now you get out of the car and go inside your house... haven't you ever been dropped off before?
BUFFY: (as Helen) Um, no, Barry made me walk home. You know, for such a rich guy, he sure did run low on gas a lot.
WILLOW: (snickers)
--Julie -
Now we try and locate this Billy Blue.
Helen -
Maybe he wanted to die.
Julie -
What?
Helen -
David Egan.
ALL: Who?
--His girlfriend was killed on that same road july 4th one year earlier,.
WILLOW: What a blatant use of punctuation. The transcriber is a punctuation ho.
--Maybe he blammed himself,
SPIKE: He was blamming himself in the road, in the middle of the night? There are better places to blam oneself, bud.
BUFFY: (primly) And we don't want to hear about any of them, thank you.
--maybe he was sitting in the road waiting for us to hit him.
Julie -
Yeah if that'll help you sleep at night.
Helen -
What happened between us? We used to be best friends.
Julie -
We used to be a lot of things.
XANDER: (as Julie) Like men.
--Helen -
I miss you.
No response from Julie. Helen sees that the feeling isn't mutual.
BUFFY: Ok, and on behalf of the human race I'll say what everyone is thinking right now. 'What a bitch!'
WILLOW: Thank you.
XANDER: Well said.
SPIKE: She is in need of a bit of an attitude adjustment.
--Helen -
Yeah. Well.
BUFFY: (as Helen) ...you smell, and your hair is stringy.
--She gets out of the car and Julie drives away without saying a word.
INT. - Helens house - Helen walks into the living room and sees her father sitting watching TV.
Helen -
Hey Dad.
Her father is too wrapped up in the ball game to notice his daughter. She walks into the kitchen and pours a glass of diet coke while the killer is sneaking in the front door and working his way up the stairs. Helen finishes her drink and goes up to her bedrooom just in time to miss seeing who just went up before her. She gets to her room but no one is there. She changes into her night clothes and looks at the crown that she will have to give back the next day. Suddenly a hand is moving towards her and touches her on the arm, she jumps and turns around, it's Elsa.
WILLOW: I'm in information overload.
XANDER: I'm with ya.
--Elsa -
Hey is the washed up, dried out, has-been having a moment?
BUFFY: (as Helen) I don't know, are you?
--Helen -
What do you want?
Elsa -
We're doing inventory at the store tomorrow and I need you there by ten.
Helen sits on her bed brushing her hair.
WILLOW: ...with a fork.
OTHERS: O_O
WILLOW: I'm running dry with the wit.
XANDER: It is getting a bit harder, isn't it?
BUFFY: (sighs) I thought it was just me.
SPIKE: It is.
BUFFY: Shut up, Spike.
--Helen -
I can't, I'm in the parade tomorrow.
Elsa -
Well dad put me in charge of the store and I want you there by ten.
Helen -
The outgoing queen has to ride in the parade prior to the padgent,
WILLOW: (twitches)
XANDER: Breathe, Will, breathe.
SPIKE: (to Willow) What happened to fixing it in your head?
WILLOW: I'm losing my resistance. My will is weak.
BUFFY: We're almost done, Willow, hang on. You can make it.
WILLOW: (breathing slowly) I'll try.
--it's tradition, there's nothing I can do about it.
Elsa -
You and your hair, it's so pathetic.
BUFFY: Look Will, random insults!
WILLOW: (halfheartedly) Yay.
BUFFY: Your eyes are crooked, it's so pathetic.
XANDER: You have a slight overbite, it's so pathetic.
SPIKE: Your breasts are small, it's so pathetic.
WILLOW: Your nose is... um, pointy, it's so pathetic.
XANDER: See? It's not so bad. One joke at a time, Will, one joke at a time.
--Helen -
You can leave now.
ALL: Yay! (then) Oh...
WILLOW: (sadly) She wasn't talking to us.
--Elsa -
So very pathetic...
she says while shutting the door. Helen gets in bed and shuts the lights out.
BUFFY: ...with a custom-made light shutter-outer...
SPIKE: Speaking of pathetic...
BUFFY: Shut up, Spike.
--INT. - Helens bedroom --- Helen is just waking up. She feels her crown on her head and begins to take it off, bunches of her hair come off with it. She starts to freak out and runs to the mirror and sees the word "SOON" written in bold letters on it and she screams loudly and smashes the mirror.
XANDER: (as Helen) Drat! It's those same bold letters again. Die, letters, die!
--INT. - Julies house --- Julie picks up a ringing telephone.
BUFFY: Better than picking up a silent one.
--Julie -
Hello?
short pause.
Julie -
Oh my god.
WILLOW: (as Julie) ...someone called me a bimbo?
--She runs out of the house and jumops in her car and takes off.
ALL: O_O
WILLOW: Um...
OTHERS: (hold their breath, waiting to see if she's finally going to break permanently)
WILLOW: She shouldn't do that. It sounds painful.
OTHERS: (breathe a sigh of relief)
-- In the car she hears a noise coming from the back seat, there is nothing there, she stops the car and opens the trunk and sees the rotting corpse of Max being eaten by crabs, he is wearing Barrys jacket. She screams and slams the trunk thinking what to do and then takes off running.
INT. - Helens bedroom --- Barry is comforting Helen after her hellish ordeal. Julie runs in the room.
XANDER: (as Helen) If it isn't miss I-Always-Have-To-Be-The-Center-Of-Attention.
BUFFY: (as Julie) I just go by Julie these days, you should try it, miss I'm-A-Big-Baby-'Cause-Someone-Chopped-Off-My-Hair-During-The Night.
--EXT. - Julies car --- Barry, Helen and Julie are walking towards the car.
Barry -
Are you sure he was dead?
WILLOW: (as Julie, smacks her head) Oh, darn, you know what? I totally forgot to check. You know, between the crabs all over him, and the decaying, rotting state of his flesh... I just completely spaced it out. Sorry.
--Julie -
Don't ask me that again, he was dead okay? I saw him with these... with these crabs.
XANDER: (as Barry) Max has crabs?
--Julie passes the keys to Barry.
Julie -
You do it.
XANDER: (as Barry) I'm not gonna do it, you do it.
BUFFY: (as Julie) I'm not gonna do it, you do it.
WILLOW: (as Barry) I'm not gonna do it, you do it.
SPIKE: I'm not gonna say it.
--Barry opens the trunk and sees that it is empty and very clean looking. Julie is upset.
Julie -
No don't, don't even,
XANDER: (as Julie) Do odd.
--he was there god dammit and he was wearing your jacket Barry.
Barry -
Where'd he go? Did the crabs carry him away?
WILLOW: (as Julie) Yes.
Julie -
I swear to God.
BUFFY: Random swearing?
WILLOW: Looks like it.
XANDER: She shouldn't swear.
--Helen -
I believe you Julie.
SPIKE: (as Helen) Pay no attention to the condescension in my voice, you're just hearing things
--Julie -
He took the body, he came and he took the body.
Barry -
Why would he do that?
Julie -
I don't know Barry okay?
WILLOW: (as Helen) Well, ok, but um, how can you not know Barry? He's the guy you're yelling at.
--Why would he try to run you over? Why'd he make coleslaw in Helens head?
XANDER: Wait. When did that happen? Where were we?
BUFFY: I hear coleslaw is great for dry hair.
WILLOW: (nods) So is macaroni salad.
--He's fucking with us.
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)
WILLOW: (to Spike) Why don't you not?
SPIKE: Prude.
WILLOW: Pervert.
--Barry -
Come on Julie let's go back to the house?
XANDER: (as Julie) Ok, let's do that?
BUFFY: (as Helen) Sounds good to me?
WILLOW: (as Barry) Cool, let's go?
--Julie -
Where's your jacket Barry?
BUFFY: (as Barry) Why? I'm not cold. It's sweet of you to be concerned though.
--Don't you see?
WILLOW: Ok, has she just completely given up on sense? Random sentences are all well and good, not to mention fun, but there's only so far one should take it.
XANDER: (to Willow) She passed that line?
WILLOW: Oh, yeah, about two lines into the movie.
--He's got us now, okay this is exactly what he wants, we can't go to the police,
SPIKE: Why not?
--not now, he's made sure of that.
SPIKE: How? What the hell is she on about?
--He's just out there and he's watching us and waiting.
She turns and looks around and starts screaming...
ALL: AHHHHHH!
WILLOW: Ok, this girl screams way too much.
XANDER: (sarcastically) Ya think?
--Julie -
What are you waiting for huh? What are you waiting for????
BUFFY: (as killer) You to shut up.
--EXT. - Helens house --- The three are walking towards the house and Ray is walking towards them.
Julie -
What are you doing here?
Ray -
I've been looking everywhere for you guys.
Barry -
You're gonna die.
XANDER: (as Ray) Well, yeah, someday, thanks for reminding me.
--Barry walks up and punches Ray in the face with his fist which is still in a cast.
WILLOW: Still?
BUFFY: His hand's in a cast?
WILLOW: Thanks for telling us, the reader.
--Julie -
Hey, hey stop it.
BUFFY: (as Julie) You're supposed to fight over me!
--Ray -
What are you going?
XANDER: When are you stealing?
BUFFY: Why are you doing?
WILLOW: Who are you going?
SPIKE: You guys have some serious problems.
--Julie -
Stop it.
Ray -
I didn't do anything.
Barry -
You're fucking lying. He's lying.
XANDER: What the heck are they talking about? They're mocking themselves... they're doing our job for us.
SPIKE: Good.
--Julie -
Leave him alone Barry, get a grip.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Like, what's your problem? Dysfunctional much?
--Barry -
No wake up Julie, he's behind this. How many fucked up fishermen are out there?
WILLOW: (as Julie, thinking) Umm... ten? Are there ten? Did I get it right? What do I win?
SPIKE: (as Barry, snickers) You get to suck on my--
WILLOW: (turning to Spike) Why are you so perverted?
SPIKE: 'Cause it's fun?
WILLOW: Maybe for you.
SPIKE: Does anyone else matter?
WILLOW: Apparently not.
--Ray -
Look, he's after me too. I got a letter.
XANDER: Ooo, a letter! How scary!
--Barry -
Oh you got a letter? I got run over. Helen gets her hair chopped off. Julie gets a body in a trunk and you get a letter?? That's balanced?
ALL: No.
--Ray -
What body? What are you talking about?
BUFFY: (as Barry) Just Max. He's dead, no biggie.
--Barry -
Drop the act. You killed Max, you took my jacket.
WILLOW: Ok, in Barry's mind, which offense is worse?
OTHERS: The jacket.
SPIKE: Understandable. Anyone took my duster I'd have to kill 'em.
BUFFY: Darn, too bad you're unable to inflict harm on others... sucks for you.
XANDER: (chuckles) Actually, there's no sucking involved with Spike anymore.
WILLOW: (chiding) Guys, don't be rude.
--Ray -
Max is dead?
XANDER: What? When did this happen? Where were we?
WILLOW: Right there every step of the way, unfortunately.
XANDER: Oh, yeah.
--Barry -
What is it with you Ray? You were dogging us from the start
XANDER: Arf!
--weren't you? Always wanting to be our friend, always wanting to be one of us but you were too fucking jealous to handle it
WILLOW: The dish ran away with the spoon, and the period ran away from the words.
--Ray -
Fuck you!
WILLOW: (offended) Sorry, geez.
--Julie -
Stop it! Look, we have to stick togeather alright?
XANDER: You do that... stick togeather, we'll stick together over here.
--We have to help each other.
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...otherwise we'll never learn how to spell.
--Barry -
Okay so if it's not fisherboy here then who is it and how do we find him?
Julie -
We think his name is Billy Blue.
BUFFY: (as Julie) But we're idiots, so we're not sure.
--Ray -
How do you know that?
BUFFY: (as Julie) 'Cause when we walk down the street, people yell, 'Hey, idiots!'
--Helen -
Missy, said there was a friend named Billy Blue.
WILLOW: (as Helen) But then again, she also said the walls told her to leave popcorn for the mice living in the tiny huts in the woods behind her house, so we're kinda iffy on the whole Billy Blue thing.
--Julie -
Who probably went to school with David Egan
ALL: Who?
--so according to sis that would make him class of '92.
Helen -
Elsa was class of '92. Maybe there's something in her yearbook.
XANDER: (as Helen) We're so smart when we're deducting stuff.
BUFFY: (as Julie) It's deducing, you stupid-head.
--INT. - Helens bedroom --- They are all looking through the yearbook at David Egans picture.
Ray -
So that's him huh?
BUFFY: (as Ray) He's so cute! If he was still alive, I'd do him.
SPIKE: (looks at the others) She gets away with it, but I get bitched at?
WILLOW: Yes.
XANDER: Yes.
BUFFY: (sticks her tongue out at Spike) Ha ha.
SPIKE: (growls at Buffy) Eat me.
--Hard to believe that's the guy.
Barry -
Yeah his face isn't splattered all over the road dumbass.
XANDER: You know, I'm not sure, but I think Barry has a little aggression that he needs to work out.
WILLOW: (agreeing) He has issues.
--Maybe Blue's not his real name.
Julie -
That's right, he could have easily lied to Missy, we did.
Helen -
Maybe we should bring the yearbook to Missy, if she had it in front of her...
Julie -
...She could point him out.
XANDER: (as Helen) Well, actually, I was gonna say she could look at all the pretty pictures, but yours is good too.
--Ray -
I'm not going anywhere. High school mugshots, what???
BUFFY: Why???
WILLOW: Who???
XANDER: Huh???
SPIKE: (silent)
--Julie -
I'll go, you've got that parade today.
WILLOW: Ray has a parade?
SPIKE: Gay Pride.
WILLOW: Cool. Barry should go with him.
SPIKE: He's the Queen.
--Helen -
Forget it.
XANDER: (as Helen) I don't wanna be there if Barry's going, he'll upstage me as the queen.
--Julie -
No you need to be there in case he shows up.
Helen -
I don't want him to show up.
BUFFY: (as Julie) What? You mean, you don't want him to show up and kill you? Well, damn it, ruin my fun!
--Julie -
Helen this could be our chance, we could catch him. I'll go to Missys, Barry you go to the parade with Helen and don't let her out of your sight, if he shows up...
XANDER: (as Barry, effeminately) I'll run like the dickens! I don't want to face this guy alone. (shudders) Scary!
--Barry -
I'll pound his ass.
ALL: (to Spike) Don't even think about it!
SPIKE: Wasn't even gonna bother.
WILLOW: See, you can do it.
SPIKE: Well, and often.
WILLOW: (snorts with laughter) That was terrible, Spike.
SPIKE: (shrugs, leans over) Maybe, but it's also true.
BUFFY: (yanks Spike away from Willow) You wanna quit bothering Willow?
SPIKE: (snickers) Who says she's bothered in any way other than hot and bothered?
XANDER: Ok, pal, that's enough. (stands up angrily) Keep your snide, perverted comments to yourself. At least until we get out of here.
********
Spike jumped up as well, sick of the whole situation. "Back off, you blasted moron."
Willow sighed heavily. "Xander, I'm not two years old, I can take care of myself." She turned to Spike with an even heavier sigh. "Spike, will you just knock it off until we're free? It's obvious that you don't like us, and the feeling's pretty much mutual, so let's just get through this, ok?"
Spike lit a cigarette and stretched his neck until it cracked. "Whatever." He moved away from the three of them, and sat in the white chair across the room. "Blood," he said, waiting until the green light deposited his meal on the floor in front of him. Smoke swirled around him as he drank the mug of human blood, savoring the taste for what was most likely the last time in a long time.
Buffy got to her feet, glaring at him, trying to kill him with sheer willpower. "I don't even know why you're still alive. You can probably thank Giles for that."
Spike ignored her, she annoyed him too much to pay her any mind. Instead, he watched Willow bend and stretch and groan as a particularly tight muscle was strained almost beyond the breaking point. He didn't hide his leer at seeing her body bend in almost impossible positions, but he probably should have. Buffy suddenly appeared in front of him, hands on hips, and a furious frown on her lips.
She tossed a look behind her at Willow and Xander who were talking quietly by the almost completely-formed door, and who were oblivious to the two of them. "Touch her, ever, and you'll occupy less space than a bread crumb. I mean it," she whispered, "I've threatened you before, and never done anything about it, but when it comes to my friends and my family, I'm prepared to back up my words with actions, and then some. Got it?"
Spike shrugged. She glared some more, pissing him off even more than he already was, which was no easy feat. He waved her away with his hand, pretending she hadn't affected him in the slightest. "You can go now, Slayer."
She tossed him one last glare, turned on her heel and walked away, joining Xander and Willow. Spike downed the last of the blood and sat down in the chair by the door. The others sat down a few minutes later.
On to chapter 4.