Urban Legends Are Parodies Too (btvs-mst3k fic)
Title: Urban Legends Are Parodies Too an MST of Urban Legend (2/6)
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Rating: R
Summary: An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room that's grown into a house, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first two parodies: I Know What They Parodied Last Summer, and, I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer. That should clear some things up.
Disclaimer: The movie they're riffing on--Urban Legend--and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel (in case I mention stuff from there), and Mystery Science Theater 3000, don't belong to me and I make no money off of them.
A/N: This takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in the picture, so is Riley. And that's about it I think.
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The four of them jumped to their feet at the same time, Xander and Spike staring each other down, while Buffy pulled them apart. Willow, offended by Spike's criticism, ignored them all and sat in the chair across the room.
"I'm not a prude," she muttered to herself. "I've done things... lots of things." She and Oz had done stuff, mostly just straight forward sex, but other things too. She sighed heavily. Maybe Spike was right. On the other hand, Spike was a vampire, and his standards were different from her human ones.
Right?
Feeling slightly better, she tuned in the argument still going on across the room. Spike was drinking his mug of blood, and rolling his eyes while Xander railed at him. Buffy was leaning back against the door, her head thrown back, staring at the ceiling. She looked like she was bored to death. Spike and Xander, on the other hand, looked about ready to kill each other.
"Shut up, Harris," Spike ground out. "I didn't touch your precious Willow, I have no intentions of touching her, and if I did, you'd have no say in it whatsoever. Mostly because you'd be dead." He grinned, obviously enjoying the thought of Xander being dead.
"Wrong," Willow disagreed, not even realizing she'd said that out loud until Xander and Spike turned toward her. She cleared her throat, suddenly uncomfortable. "Um, Xander would..." realizing how wimpy she sounded, she raised her voice, speaking more firmly, "Xander would have a say in it if you were going to hurt or kill me. In fact, every person in the world would have a right to interfere. I'd even encourage it."
"Look at that, she's got a spine after all," Spike told the room. "But," his eyes fixed on hers, his lips turning up in a sly grin, "we weren't talking about the killing kind of touching." He set his mug down, and dropped into his seat. "Now can we just do this stupid thing?"
Willow stared at the back of Spike's head, then turned her gaze to Xander, who was fuming silently as he sat. Buffy, who'd remained quiet throughout the whole argument, shoved away from the wall, staring at her seat with something akin to dread. Willow knew exactly how she felt, especially now. She really didn't want to sit next to Spike again, but it was the only seat left... so, she sat.
********
EXT. PENDLETON COLLEGE - MORNING
The sun has just begun to rise as students wake and head for their morning classes. The camera slowly pans over to an old, Victorian style building. It's about five or six stories high, with a tower on one side.
BUFFY: ...its turn-ons include loud, noisy students. And its turn-offs are eggs, toilet paper, and bags of flaming dog poop left on its stoop.
>Professor - (o.c.)
Last week we discussed folklore as a gauge for the values of the
society that created them.
XANDER: (as Wexler) ...this week, I say to hell with class, let's part-ay!
>INT. LECTURE HALL
Professor WILLIAM WEXLER, a nerdish man in his late forties, early fifties, stands in front of a large group of students, discussing urban legends.
CUT TO:
Damon. He sighs, bored with the class.
BUFFY: (overly cheery) Look, guys! Random sentences?
WILLOW: That's not a random sentence.
BUFFY: (sighs) I know, but, can't we pretend?
WILLOW: (shakes her head) Nah, this isn't a good one. But, cheer up, there may be a real random sentence later. You never know.
BUFFY: (pouts) This script is boring. There are no typos, no run-on sentences, no random sentences, and... it's boring.
WILLOW: I'm sorry. Next time we'll ask for a bad one?
>CUT TO:
Wexler. He stands on a giant stage, a desk cluttered with papers behind him.
XANDER: ...he's playing the part of Willy Loman, leaving the students to wonder when the urban legend part of the class was going to begin.
>Wexler -
Today, today, we get more specific.
WILLOW: (as Wexler) Tomorrow, tomorrow, we get bland again.
>CUT TO:
Natalie and Brenda, watching Wexler. Parker sits behind them, eating. Damon sits next to Parker.
SPIKE: ...with his hand on Parker's knee. Their love is a secret one.
>CUT BACK TO:
Wexler. He uses a control to activate a slide projector that is
stationed at the very back of the large auditorium. The image of a woman sitting on a couch with a phone in her hand appears on the wall behind Wexler.
XANDER: (as Brenda, gasps) It's magick!
>On closer inspection, we see a man standing on the dark steps, a cell phone in hand. It is a very threatening picture.
BUFFY: I totally feel absolutely threatened by that picture.
WILLOW: (agreeing) It's a scary one.
XANDER: (bravely) I'll kick that picture's ass. It doesn't scare me.
>Wexler -
A baby sitter receives menacing phone calls. And upon investigating them, she realizes that they are originating from an upstairs bedroom, the very room where she's left the children under her care to sleep.
BUFFY: She should've left them under the covers in bed, they'd probably be safe there.
>Wexler presses the button and the image changes to a close up of the man.
ALL: AHHHH!
>Wexler -
Now, who's heard this before? Hmm?
XANDER: (as Wexler) Huh? Hmm? Who? Who's heard of this? Huh? You? You? What about you? Have you? Huh? Answer me!
>Most of the students raise their hands.
XANDER: (as Wexler) That's better.
>CUT TO:
Brenda and Natalie.
Brenda -
Well, that really happened to a girl in my hometown.
SPIKE: (as Wexler, condescendingly) Sure it did, dear.
>Wexler - (chuckling)
Oh, yes, I'm sure it did. I'm sure most of you grew up thinking this happened to girls in, in all your hometowns, but it didn't.
Brenda - (to Natalie)
It did.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) It didn't.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) It did.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) It didn't.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) It did.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) It didn't.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) It did.
XANDER: Ack! Stop! We get the idea.
>Wexler - (cont'd)
You see, the baby sitter and the man upstairs is what we call an urban legend.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Um, Mr. Wexler? I thought the story told about them was the urban legend. They're just people. They can't be urban legends.
XANDER: (as Wexler) Hey! Who's teaching this class?
>Parker nods his head while Wexler talks.
SPIKE: (as Parker) Yes, Wexler is teaching this class.
>Wexler - (cont'd)
Contemporary folklore passed on as a true story. There are variations of this one going back to the 1960's, all of them containing the same cultural admonition: Young women, mind your children well, or harm will come your way.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh. I thought it meant; don't babysit, it's not worth the hassle.
>Wexler stops, building up the tension. But then, his watch alarm begins beeping musically. He glances at it.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) Oh, hold on. I love this song.
>Wexler - (to class)
Oh. Excuse me.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) I have to listen to my watch playing pretty music. Be right with you.
>It continues to beep and Brenda laughs. Wexler turns to face her. Natalie is trying to control her laughter, but Brenda is laughing hysterically.
Wexler -
Something funny you might care to share with the rest of us?
WILLOW: (as Brenda, giggling) Um, it's funny that you have to take a pill. I laugh at your misfortune.
SPIKE: Who said he was taking a pill?
WILLOW: Logic dictates it. Why else would he set an alarm on his watch and need to excuse himself when it went off? He didn't leave the room, all he did was turn his back on the class. (pauses) And I've seen the movie.
>Brenda - (through laughs)
No, I was just saying, like, the cultural admonition is don't babysit?
WILLOW: (as Brenda, giggling) I'm so cute!
>The class laughs at this. Wexler doesn't find it funny at all.
XANDER: (as Wexler) I don't find this funny at all.
>Wexler -
Why don't you, uh, come up here, and uh, volunteer for my little
experiment, hmm?
BUFFY: Wow, that didn't sound sinister at all.
>Damon -
Yeah, that's a great idea.
Brenda hesitates, making Wexler angry.
Wexler -
Now, young lady!
Brenda -
Coming.
WILLOW: (turns to Spike when he remains silent) Nothing?
SPIKE: (shrugs) Refraining, remember?
WILLOW: (pleasantly surprised) Right.
>She gets up and starts to walk to the stage. Damon calls after her in a very Austin Powers like voice.
XANDER: (as Austin Powers) Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?
SPIKE: (to Xander) Don't do that again.
XANDER: (to Willow, quietly) I thought I did a fair impression of him.
WILLOW: (pats his arm) You always do.
>Damon -
Yeah, baby, yeah.
Wexler -
Don't worry, you'll probably survive.
When Brenda gets up on the stage, Wexler tosses her a bag of candy.
Wexler -
Had those before?
BUFFY: (as Brenda) No, I live in a cave, under a mountain. What is this 'candy' you speak of?
>Brenda -
Yeah, they're Pop Rocks. They crackle in your mouth.
Wexler -
Eat some.
Brenda -
Okay.
Brenda opens the bag and pours some of the Pop Rocks in her mouth.
XANDER: SNAP!
WILLOW: CRACKLE!
BUFFY: POP!
>CUT TO:
Natalie, watching intently.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) This is so cool, Brenda's gonna die, how fun!
>CUT BACK TO:
Brenda and Wexler. Brenda is chewing on the candy, which makes a
crackling sound.
XANDER: SNAP!
WILLOW: CRACKLE!
BUFFY: POP!
SPIKE: Okay, you really need to stop that.
>Wexler picks a coke off his desk and opens it.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) Mmm, fresh Coke, straight off the vine.
>He holds it out to her.
Wexler -
Thirsty?
Brenda shakes her head and backs away, frightened.
Wexler -
What's wrong? Something you might have heard about mixing Pop Rocks and soda?
CUT TO:
Natalie, grinning. She's heard this story before.
BUFFY: (excited) Random spaces! Look, Willow, random spaces!
WILLOW: No, Buffy.
BUFFY: But...
WILLOW: (shakes her head firmly) No, Buffy.
BUFFY: (pouts) Ruin my fun.
>CUT BACK TO:
Brenda and Wexler.
Brenda -
Well, supposedly, your stomach and intestines, everything bursts.
XANDER: (as Brenda) Plus, they're really sour.
WILLOW: (sings) Hey, what are you lookin' at? She was a sour girl the day that she left me.
XANDER: (sings) She was a sour girl the day that she met me.
BUFFY: I love that song!
SPIKE: What song?
WILLOW: Sour Girl, by Stone Temple Pilots.
BUFFY: The girl in the video has really pretty hair.
OTHERS: ...
>Wexler -
Really? Anyone you know die this way?
Brenda nods.
BUFFY: Natalie nags.
WILLOW: (giving in) Sasha sighs.
XANDER: Paul pirouettes.
SPIKE: Parker poses.
BUFFY: (claps) Yay.
>Brenda -
Mikey. From the cereal commercial. "Give it to Mikey. He'll eat
anything."
SPIKE: (snorts) Again with the Mikey thing.
>Wexler -
Oh.
ALL: (as Wexler) Ohhhhhh!
>He picks up the control and hits a button. The picture changes to show a young boy eating cereal.
Wexler -
You mean him?
CUT TO:
Parker.
Parker - (mockingly)
Mikey likes it.
The class laughs.
XANDER: (hesitantly) Hehe... it's funny.
WILLOW: No, it's not.
XANDER: (relieved) Oh, thank God.
>CUT BACK TO:
Brenda and Wexler. He gives Parker a disgusted look.
Brenda -
Yeah.
SPIKE: Yeah? Is she agreeing with Wexler's disgusted look?
OTHERS: Yeah.
SPIKE: ...okay.
>He hits a button and the picture changes to an adult man grinning.
SPIKE: He's my new favorite character in the movie.
WILLOW: But, he's not even in the movie.
SPIKE: Even better.
>Wexler -
What if I told you that this is Mikey, alive and well, and working as an ad executive in New York City? Would you drink some then?
ALL: No.
>Brenda looks at the picture, then at Wexler, not knowing if she should do it.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) I don't know if I should do it.
>She doesn't want her insides to burst.
WILLOW: I don't want my insides to burst.
XANDER: Oh, why not? You big baby.
>Brenda sighs. From way in the back, Damon stands up and raises his hand.
Damon -
I'll do it.
Parker points at Damon as he makes his way up to the stage. Parker leans forward while Natalie's jaw drops, amazed.
BUFFY: Her jaw is amazed?
XANDER: I think Natalie's amazed.
BUFFY: Oh... why?
OTHERS: (shrug)
>Damon walks up to the stage and grabs a bag of Pop Rocks from off the desk. He opens it and pours some into his mouth.
Damon -
Oh, yeah.
SPIKE: (as Damon) That hits the spot. (as himself) He needed his Pop Rocks fix.
>Wexler hands him the coke.
SPIKE: (as Damon) Nah, I don't do coke.
>Wexler -
Your soda.
SPIKE: (as Damon) Don't do soda either. Just Pop Rocks.
>Damon holds the soda up for the class to see, then drinks it. Nothing happens.
Wexler -
Voila. Still alive.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Damn!
>CUT TO:
Parker and Natalie. They smile, relieved.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Yay. I'm relieved.
XANDER: (as Parker) Me too.
>CUT BACK TO:
Wexler, Brenda, and Damon.
XANDER: ...start to slow dance, and make googly eyes at each other.
>Wexler -
As I said, this story is nothing but an urban legend.
Damon looks like he's about to throw up.
BUFFY: (as Damon) Oh, no I'm not gonna throw up, I just took too close a look at Brenda's face. I'm good now.
>He puts his arm on Wexler's shoulder for support. Spit begins to come out of his mouth.
XANDER: (as Damon) Oops, little verp there, sorry.
OTHERS: Eww.
>CUT TO:
Natalie and Parker. They're relived faces
WILLOW: Really? They are relieved faces? Not their relieved faces? Really?
SPIKE: That whole mental rewriting thing went out the window with the first script, didn't it?
WILLOW: Oh, it's still there... but the force isn't as strong, Luke.
SPIKE: ... uh-huh.
>turn to horror as they watch Damon suffer.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) As much fun as this is... shouldn't we get help or something?
WILLOW: (as Parker) Hell no. I never liked that scene-stealing punk anyway.
>CUT TO:
The stage. Damon begins to fall to the ground, still clutching Wexler's shoulder. Brenda is starting to freak out.
Wexler - (exasperated)
Brooks.
XANDER: Wexler is a bit Giles-ish.
BUFFY: I was thinking the same thing.
>Damon falls down, and begins to roll down the steps.
XANDER: (as Damon) Wheeeeeee!
>Brenda screams and some students stand up to get a better view.
WILLOW: (as student) Wow, check out the dying kid, this is so cool!
BUFFY: (as other student) Move over, I can't see! Ow! You're on my foot, scoot over!
XANDER: (as yet another student) Neat! I never would've seen this at my other school. Glad I transferred here.
>Brenda -
Professor!
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Professor! They're obstructing my view, make them stop!
>Wexler just walks over to his desk and watches.
Damon lays on the ground, clutching his stomach. Moans of pain escape his lips.
Parker -
He's gonna explode!
WILLOW (as student) All right! I've never seen anyone explode before. This school rocks!
>Brenda SCREAMS!
SPIKE: What else is new?
>Parker -
Someone call 9-1-1!
BUFFY: (as student) But... I'll miss the explosion.
>He turns to another STUDENT.
Parker - (cont'd)
Go!
XANDER: (as other student) No way, man, you go. I'm staying to watch.
>The student turns and runs.
WILLOW: ...smack dab into a wall. He falls to the floor, unconscious, then proceeds to roll down the aisle, smacking his head on every row of chairs. He comes to land at Brenda's feet.
SPIKE: Brenda screams.
XANDER: (to Spike) No, no. Brenda SCREAMS.
WILLOW: and... scene!
>More colored spit and vomit pour from Damon's mouth.
BUFFY: Could this be more disgusting?
SPIKE: He could've crapped his pants too.
BUFFY: And there's my answer.
>Students begin to stand up, afraid. Natalie has an expression of pure terror on her face. Then, all of a sudden, Damon stops. He doesn't move. His eyes close. All the students expect to see him explode, but then...
SPIKE: ...he implodes instead.
>His eyes open and he grins. Damon looks at Brenda and chuckles.
Damon -
Ahh.
XANDER: (as Damon) ... sorry 'bout that. Pop Rocks make me do crrrrrrazy thing... must be the sugar.
>Brenda throws the bag of Pop Rocks at Damon.
BUFFY: ...impaling him in the eye. The students laugh. A fun time was had by all.
>Natalie sighs and Parker throws
WILLOW: ...up on her. (as Parker) God, Natalie, you're breath is making me sick, they're called tic-tacs, use 'em.
>his hands up, grinning.
Wexler -
Thank you for your help, Mr. Brooks.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) Thanks for scaring my students, and for spitting on me... and pretending to be about to explode. It was fun. Oh, and thank you for the almost throwing up part too.
XANDER: (as Damon) It was nothing.
>Parker -
Brilliant. He's brilliant.
WILLOW: Well, sure, if you define brilliance by the ability to spit and play dead.
BUFFY: I hear that's what colleges are looking for these days.
>EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - LATER - AFTERNOON
Brenda and Natalie are walking,
SPIKE: ...around in circles because they can't remember how to get home.
>Brenda holding a bottle of water.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) At least we've got water. Natalie. If we don't make it home, I just wanted you to know that... well, your hair is really, really ugly. Hug!
>Brenda -
Oh, he is such a moron.
Natalie -
Yeah, but who fell for it?
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Everyone but Wexler... what's your point?
XANDER: (as Natalie) No point. I was just curious, 'cause I fainted from fear.
>Brenda laughs at her own stupidity.
BUFFY: (as Brenda, laughing) Haha, it's funny how I was made a fool of. Let's do it again!
>Up ahead, REESE, the African American campus cop,
WILLOW: ...whose turn-ons include guns, and violence, and turn-offs include law-abiding citizens, and innocent people...
>is grabbing newspapers from all the students.
WILLOW: (as Reese) Give me those! Whoever put these nude pictures of me in here is gonna pay!
>DEAN ADAMS looks on.
XANDER: (as Dean Adams) Tee hee, she'll never figure out I it was me.
>Dean Adams is in his fifties with a very sour look and cold demeanor.
Brenda -
Hey, what's going on?
Reese grabs a newspaper from a student.
WILLOW: ...and rolls it up, beating the poor kid about the face and shoulders. (As Reese) Bad, student! Bad, bad, student!
>Reese -
Excuse me, young man. Can't read these.
XANDER: (as student) Um, yes I can, 'cause, I learned how to read a few years ago.
>Female Student -
She had just left campus.
ALL: Who?
>Male Student -
A sophomore.
BUFFY: A name would help. Maybe one of them extra special descriptions?
>Natalie goes over to a stand and grabs a newspaper.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Mine!
>She unfolds it.
CLOSE ON:
The front page. It has a picture of Michelle Mancini and the words "Lunatic on Campus?"
BUFFY: Didn't that girl just say Michelle was off campus? And, hello, we were there for the murder, she was definitely off campus, so why does the paper have a bogus headline like that? And please, like it has anything to do with the college. Who came up with that crap story?
OTHERS: Paul.
BUFFY: Oh... now I see why he almost won the student Pulitzer. If only the E-Coli crisis had actually happened.
>NORMAL VIEW
Brenda -
She went to Pendleton? I knew I should've gone to N.Y.U.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...but this college had that extra special allure of rumored mass murder.
>Paul comes up behind them.
Paul -
Tragic, huh?
They turn and Brenda immediately brightens up.
Brenda -
Hi, Paul.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Cool murder thing, huh? Wanna go to the funeral with me?
>Paul -
Hi.
Natalie -
Is this true?
XANDER: (as Paul) No, I made it all up to piss Reese off. Funny, huh?
>Paul -
I certainly hope so. Otherwise I'm gonna have one hell of a retraction on my hands.
His gaze wanders over to where Dean Adams and Reese are collecting all the newspapers.
Paul -
Hey!
BUFFY: (as Paul) ...those are my lies. Give me back my lies!
-He rushes over to them.
Paul -
What do you think you're doing? You can't come and take every copy here.
Dean Adams -
You're the one who wrote this inflammatory piece of rubbish.
Paul -
Actually, the factious quotes about being deeply shocked and heartsick, are yours, Dean Adams.
XANDER: (as Paul) ...it's just the rest of the story that's rubbish, and lies.
BUFFY: (as Dean Adams) Yeah, well... I've changed my mind. I want my quote back.
>Dean Adams -
Let me tell you something, young man.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Yes?
XANDER: (as Adams) Oh, that's all I've got... I just like to sound important. How'd I do?
WILLOW: (as Paul) Good... really. Very good. All sorts of neat and stuff.
>The only lunatic on this campus is you.
Paul -
I'm flat
BUFFY: Xander... give him back the rest of his word.
XANDER: No.
WILLOW: Xander.
XANDER: He annoys me.
SPIKE: Harris.
XANDER: Fine. Party poopers.
>tered.
XANDER: (snickers)
>He holds up a recorder.
Paul - (cont'd)
Can I quote you on that?
BUFFY: (as Adams) Well, okay, but you've gotta get the quote right, and the syntax, otherwise it loses all its punch. And I've got this high, squeaky voice, could you make me sound deeper? Or cooler, you know? 'Cause, then maybe I'd get some respect, and-
SPIKE: (as Paul) Changed my mind. Don't need the quote after all.
-Dean Adams simply walks away.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Sore loser when he doesn't get his way.
-Reese steps toward Paul.
WILLOW: (as Reese) Hi, I'm Reese, the campus cop... aren't you a fine hunk of man? Ever thought about dating an older woman? I could rock your world!
XANDER: (as Paul) ...AHHHHHHH!
>Reese -
I have a quote for you. U.S. News and World Report named Pendleton the safest university in this country. You best believe that I intend to keep it that way.
BUFFY: Ah, isn't that cute? She's being all protect-y and stuff.
-Reese follows Dean Adams.
WILLOW: Like a lost little puppy.
XANDER: (as Reese) Woof.
>Paul -
Thank you, Reese. I'll be sure to stick that in the special school safety edition!
XANDER: Was that sarcasm or something?
OTHERS: (shrug)
>Natalie and Brenda start to walk away.
Natalie -
Let's get out of here.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...before they realize we're still in the shot... shh!
>Paul stops them.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) We weren't in the shot! We weren't! Were we, Brenda?
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Uh-huh! Hi, Paul! Let's go out tonight, talk about how sad I am about the murder. See my pout-y face and glittery eyes? I could cry if you wanted me to. I was totally friends with Michael-
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Michelle.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Whatever. So, Paul, is it true what they say about journalists? That they have big-
XANDER: Hey! No. Stop it right now! No icky talk from you gals.
WILLOW: (rolls her eyes) I was going to say 'egos'.
>Paul -
Hold on a second. How about some interviews? You know, "students react to the tragedy on campus?"
Brenda - (more than willing)
Okay. I am saddened and moved by the sudden-
SPIKE: Guess you had her pegged, Witch.
WILLOW: (grins) It's a gift.
>Natalie - (interrupting)
This was someone's life. Did you even spend one minute thinking about that?
XANDER: (as Paul) Um... nope. Not really. No. Unh-uh.
Paul -
No, I didn't. But because of my story, 3,500 students will. I think that's enough to help me sleep at night.
Natalie -
Come on, let's go.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Well, okay. Your place, or mine?
>She grabs Brenda's arm and starts to lead her away.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Hey, wait! I thought you wanted me!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I changed my mind... I want Brenda instead.
>Brenda -
Natalie, what-
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Shut up, Brenda. You have no say in this. Let's just go have sex.
>Natalie throws the paper in the trash can.
SPIKE: (as Paul, sighs) She wants me. They all do. As soon as she's done doin' the chick, she'll come crawlin' back to ole Paul. Yep. Any time now.
XANDER: Paul's quite the delusional newsie.
>Newscaster - (voice-over)
The decapitated body of 20 year old..
BUFFY: (as student) Ahh! Where's that voice coming from? Run!
WILLOW: (as other student) Ahh! I hear voices! Ahh!
XANDER: (as another student) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
>INT. STUDENT UNION - LATER
CLOSE ON:
A T.V.
SPIKE: No.
>A NEWSCASTER stands in front of the gas station where Michelle Mancini was killed.
BUFFY: She wasn't killed in the gas station. Or in front of it. Or even near it. She was driving, vroom-vroom? Remember?
>Newscaster - (cont'd)
Pendleton student Michelle Mancini was found in her car. Police suspect the assailant was probably hiding in the backseat.
CUT TO:
Parker and Sasha, sitting next to each other, listening.
XANDER: (as Parker) Sasha... did you hear that?
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Shh, I'm listening.
>CLOSE ON:
The T.V.
SPIKE: No.
>Newscaster -
In the meanwhile, the search continues for Michael
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Poor Michael, being all dead and stuff... hey, Paul, wanna go to my place?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Michelle. Her name was Michelle. Argh! I hate you, Brenda!
>McDonnell, the proprietor of the gas station where she was last seen.
CUT TO:
Natalie, watching with interest.
CLOSE ON:
The T.V.
SPIKE: No.
XANDER: Ack! Rapid scene changes! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
>Newscaster - (cont'd)
Police are asking anyone with any information to his whereabouts, to contact them immediately.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) He's in the morgue. Duh. He was killed... remember? Hi, Paul!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Die, Brenda! Die!
>CUT TO:
Damon. He takes a sip of his coffee.
XANDER: Holy crap! Did you guys see that? Damon is freakin' talented! A round of applause for Damon, ladies and gentlemen.
>CLOSE ON:
The T.V.
SPIKE: No.
OTHERS: Enough!
>Newscaster - (cont'd)
This is David McAree, reporting live.
BUFFY: (as newscaster) I don't really have anything to report... I just wanted to say that.
>CUT TO:
Parker, Damon, Brenda, Natalie, and Sasha.
XANDER: Ack! People overload.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Where's Paul? I was planning on being loud and obvious so he'd notice me.
SPIKE: (as Damon) He took off before you got here muttering something about annoying females, and Noxema.
OTHERS: (laugh)
>Parker -
How horrible. +
XANDER: Plus what?
BUFFY: I think it's, like, emphasis?
SPIKE: (mocking Buffy) Or, like, a mistake?
>Sasha -
Someone told me she was listening to my show when it happened. My voice was probably the last thing she heard. Can you imagine?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Aw, the poor thing, having to listen to your grating, annoying voice as she died... how sad.
WILLOW: Who was this person who knows what Michelle was listening to when she died? And, hello, she was listening to a Bonnie Tyler tape, not the radio. Get your facts straight.
>Brenda leans forward, scared.
Brenda -
You guys, what if there is a lunatic on campus?
XANDER: (as Parker) Whooo! Paaaar-taaaaaay! Let's commemorate her death with an orgy! Alright! Yeah!
>Damon -
It's fine with me, I'm hitting the half-pipe at Killington this
weekend.
BUFFY: (as Damon) Yeah, I really don't care if you all get killed. Never liked you much anyway. So, who wants to sleep with me tonight? Show of hands.
>Brenda -
Did anybody know her? She roomed in Daly.
Parker -
No.
Sasha -
No.
WILLOW: No.
XANDER: No.
SPIKE: No.
BUFFY: No.
>Brenda looks over at Natalie. She's far off, distant.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) You're so distant these days, Natalie... you don't love me anymore, do you?
XANDER: (as Natalie) I never did, Brenda, you just thought I did-
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ooo! Paul! Hi! Tragic news brings people together... we should cuddle.
>Brenda -
Hello? Space cadet?
She snaps her fingers in front of Natalie's face. Natalie comes out of it.
BUFFY: ...and slaps Brenda a few times, then punches her in the stomach. (as Natalie) Sorry, I was daydreaming. What'd you say?
WILLOW: ( as Brenda) Nothin'... um, I need to go spit out this mouthful of blood... and then puke. Be right back.
>Natalie -
Oh, no. I didn't know her.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) She didn't know her, guys. Hey, guys! Natalie didn't know Michael!
SPIKE: (as Damon) We're right here, we heard her answer, you stupid bimbo.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) I know, but here comes Paul. I thought he might find me more interesting if I-
SPIKE: (as Damon) Screech like a banshee?
>Brenda nods.
SPIKE: (as Damon) Oh, look, it worked. He noticed you. See the way he's hightailing it out of here?
>Damon -
Actually, I did know her.
Sasha -
You did?
Damon -
Yeah. And I'll miss her too, cause she gave great head.
SPIKE/XANDER: (burst out laughing)
WILLOW/BUFFY: (try not to laugh)
BUFFY: (chuckling) That was horrible!
WILLOW: (giggles) Yep.
BUFFY: But funny.
WILLOW: Yep. (laughs)
>Sasha and Parker burst out laughing.
Damon -
You get it? She gave great head?
SPIKE: Well, because we're not idiots... yes, we did get it.
>Parker -
That's good.
Brenda rolls her eyes.
EXT. DORM - EVENING
The sun is starting to set.
XANDER: All right... who pressed the Reset button?
>INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
Tosh is on the Internet, listening to some music and smoking a
cigarette.
SPIKE: ...doin' a little coke, drinkin' a little Jack, and checking out the porn sites.
>The door opens and Natalie walks in.
SPIKE: (as Tosh) Hey, Natalie, the chick on this porn site looks a lot like you.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Um, I was young, I needed the money, and- oh, who am I kidding? I have an awesome body and I felt the need to share my gloriousness with the world.
>She closes the door. Tosh looks at her then back at the computer. She rolls her eyes.
WILLOW: (as Tosh, scoffs) You close a door like an idiot.
>Natalie -
Hey, Tosh. Sorry about last night.
XANDER: (as Natalie) I'm sorry I came into my own room and expected not to get yelled at, and not having to put up with listening to you and your boyfriend go at it all night.
BUFFY: (as Tosh) Well, you should be sorry. Stupid nerd.
>Tosh -
Yeah? Don't let it happen again.
Natalie bends down, and sees a bottle of pills on the floor.
SPIKE: What, does she just randomly bend down when she walks into a room?
BUFFY: Sure.
>She bends down and picks it up.
WILLOW: Mine!
SPIKE: Thought she was already bent down.
>CLOSE ON:
The bottle. The word "Lithium" is on it in big, bold letters.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Cool, drugs.
>NORMAL VIEW
Natalie walks over to Tosh and hands her the bottle.
Natalie -
Here. You dropped these.
Tosh takes the pills, and sets them down. Natalie walks over to the phone and picks it up. She gets the busy signal.
BUFFY: Oh, no! Not... 'the busy signal'! Say it isn't so.
>Natalie -
Uh, Tosh, excuse me?
Tosh smiles, and presses a few buttons on the keyboard. She turns the music off. She stands up, furious.
WILLOW: Yes, I can see how furious she is by that smile on her face.
SPIKE: Maybe it's a furious smile.
WILLOW: Maybe the writer should've said that.
>Tosh -
It's my phone line too.
XANDER: (as Tosh) So there!
>Tosh storms out of the room, slamming the door shut.
Natalie sets the phone down on the hook. She presses a few numbers and the answering machine comes on.
BUFFY: Wait, wait. She needed the phone free to listen to her messages? Is that really necessary?
WILLOW: No. Not at all. She's just rude.
>Brenda - (voice-over)
Hey, it's Brenda. You seemed kinda weird this afternoon. You okay, hon? Call me.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh! Paul just walked in, gotta go. On second thought, don't call me. Paul and I just might be... busy.
>Natalie walks over to the closet and takes off her jacket. The machine beeps.
Mom -
Natalie, it's Mom.
XANDER: How long has Natalie been gone that she wouldn't recognize her mother's voice anymore?
>Sweetie, I'm just calling to make sure you're okay. Isn't it horrible about Michelle?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) It's Michael! How many times do I- oh. Hehe. Nevermind.
>Please call. Okay? Love you.
Natalie grins and reaches up to a shelf in the closet.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Aha, my butcher knife. Think I'll pay Brenda a little visit.
>Stuck between two boxes is a year book. Natalie grabs it and pulls it out. The answering machine beeps a few times.
Natalie walks over to her bed and sits down. She opens the year book and starts flipping through the pages. She stops when she comes to a picture of the Spirit Squad. We see Natalie standing next to another girl. On closer inspection, we see that it is Michelle Mancini.
Natalie looks over at the other page. There's a closeup of Natalie and Michelle. Under the picture are the words: Team Captains: Michelle Mancini and Natalie Simon. Natalie is quiet, remembering the yells they used to do. The voices of the Spirit Squad can be heard shouting. This is very hard for Natalie.
ALL: (yawn)
BUFFY: Enough backstory.
>Suddenly, there's a knock at the door and Damon enters.
ALL: Yay!
WILLOW: Stuff's gonna happen.
>Damon -
Hey. I was in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by, see if you want to come to the house. Parker said he's gonna pierce Hootie's nose.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Do you believe everything Parker says?
XANDER: (as Natalie) As long as the Blowfish don't mind, I'm there.
>Natalie is still very quiet. When she speaks, it has a sad tone.
Natalie -
Hootie's a dog.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I wish Hootie was human, 'cause then I could date him, but he's not, so... ho-hum.
>Damon -
That's no reason why he can't be hip.
XANDER: Yes, it is.
>Natalie -
No, that's okay, Damon.
Damon -
What's up, Natalie? You all right?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) No. My dog just died. And you just taunted me with Hootie. Bastard.
>Natalie -
Yeah, I'm fine.
Damon -
Look,
XANDER: (as Natalie) Where?
>we don't have to go hang out with a bunch of drunken frat boys. We can go some place and talk.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Nah, I like hanging out with drunken frat boys. How else am I gonna get a date?
XANDER: (as Damon) Hey, what about me?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, silly! You're not drunk, and you've got badly grown facial hair.
>Natalie doesn't know if she wants to.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I don't know if I want to.
>Natalie -
Mmmm.
BUFFY: Mmmm, what?
>Damon -
I really don't want this to get out around campus, but I can actually be a good listener once in a while.
Natalie smiles.
WILLOW: ...then proceeds to call everyone she knows and tell them that Damon's just a big ole sissy.
>Damon kinda nods his head and smiles.
BUFFY: (as Damon, to himself) Just nod, smile, and slowly back away.
>Damon -
Okay?
Natalie -
Okay.
WILLOW: Aww, their first date, and we get to go with them.
SPIKE: ...yeah.
XANDER: ...yeah.
BUFFY: ...yeah.
WILLOW: (shudders, whispers) I'm scared.
>EXT. DORM - NIGHT
Damon jogs around his car to the drivers side.
BUFFY: (as Damon) Feel the burn! Feel the burn! Whoo! Since gettin' that Sweating' to the Oldies tape, I can almost run around a car without getting winded.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wow, I am impressed!
>He opens the door and climbs inside.
BUFFY: (as Damon) Okay... (gasp) that actually... (gasp) did me in.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Not so impressed anymore.
>INT. DAMON'S CAR
Damon turns to face Natalie.
Damon -
Want something to warm you up?
SPIKE: (as Damon) I've got a little something here in my pants that should do the trick.
WILLOW: (to Spike) Do you even try to censor yourself?
SPIKE: (grins) Nope. (narrows his eyes at her) And you can stop pouting right now, it isn't helping your case in the least.
WILLOW: (shrugs) It was worth a try. How about if I hit you? Would that help? 'Cause I could, you know.
SPIKE: (chuckles) It'd probably give me something to laugh at.
WILLOW: (nods, and punches him in the arm)SPIKE: (glares at her) Do you mind?
WILLOW: (grins) You looked like you could use some cheering up.
XANDER/BUFFY: (snicker)
>Natalie -
Sure.
Damon grabs a coke and opens it. He hands it to Natalie.
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Oh, that was much better than my suggestion.
>Natalie -
Thanks.
Damon turns the key, and the car sputters. Damon turns to Natalie, embarrassed.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) It's okay, Damon, it happens to all men.
WILLOW: (whispers) And vampires-
SPIKE: Hey! Not the same thing. (points to his head) Government chip. Not the same thing at all.
XANDER: Why so defensive there, Spike? (snickers)
SPIKE: I hate you all.
>Damon -
It's a slight process.
He turns the key again. The car continues to sputter. Damon chuckles weakly. He hits the dashboard, and the car starts.
XANDER: So... are they in a car, or a pop machine?
BUFFY: Well, he did pull a Coke out from... somewhere.
XANDER: This is true.
>The song from "Dawson's Creek" begins playing over the radio.
ALL: (cover their ears)
>Song -
I don't wanna wait-
WILLOW: And the in-jokes abound.
XANDER: Eh?
WILLOW: Damon? He's one of the kids from Dawson's Creek.
OTHERS: (stare at the script in horror)
WILLOW: (laugh) Don't you guys watch commercials? How could you not know that? Spike, you knew Brandy was in the last movie we read, but not this?
SPIKE: (surprised) She was?
WILLOW: (rolls her eyes) Funny.
BUFFY: Knowing about Brandy is one thing, knowing about Dawson's Creek actors is something else entirely.
WILLOW: Granted.
SPIKE: Really? She was?
OTHERS: (roll their eyes)
>Damon -
Oh God.
XANDER: (as Damon) ...I just realized that... in this light, with the moonlight filtering through the trees... you're freakin' ugly! Get out! Get out! You're scaring me, man.
>He quickly turns the radio off. Natalie smiles.
BUFFY: ...then jumps out of the car, tucking and rolling. Springing to her feet, she takes off running toward the dorms, thanking God for her luck in escaping the Dawson's Creek kid.
>EXT. DORM
The car takes off, still sputtering.
XANDER: (as car) But- but- I didn't- I couldn't- what? Huh?
OTHERS: O_O
WILLOW: Sputtering car?
XANDER: (grins, extremely proud of himself) Uh-huh!
-EXT. WOODS/CLEARING - LATER - NIGHT
Damon's car is parked in the middle of a clearing.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Come on, Damon, this is the best thing to do.
BUFFY: (as Damon) Are you sure?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Absolutely. Setting the car free is best for you, and it. It needs to be out in the wild, free to run around and be among others of its kind.
BUFFY: (chuckles)
>Damon - (o.s)
So you and Michelle were friends then?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Not really. We knew each other since we were two, and lived next door our whole lives... spent every waking moment together, and some not waking moments, but no, I wouldn't say we were friends.
>Natalie - (o.s.)
Yeah.
Damon - (o.s.)
What happened?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Well, we met, and became friends. Duh.
Natalie - (o.s.)
I'd really rather not talk about her anymore.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) It's totally a touchy subject.
WILLOW: Totally?
BUFFY: Totally.
>INT. CAR - NIGHT
SPIKE: Oh, look we finally get to go in the car with them.
>Damon -
That's completely understandable. If you don't want to open up, that's fine.
A moment of silence.
XANDER: (as Damon) Well? I'm waiting. Are you gonna open up, or not? I don't have all night. Slow-ass woman.
>Damon -
But I want you to know that I know what exactly you're going through.
BUFFY: He knows what exactly she's... that's quite the awkward sentence structure there.
WILLOW: (nods) It really is.
>Natalie -
You do?
SPIKE: (as Damon) Nah! I was just foolin' with you.
>Damon -
Sure. I lost somebody close to me. Uh-
BUFFY: (as Damon) Uh... who was it again... um, oh, yeah, now I remember. It was- no, that was in a book I read. Well, wait, I don't read, so it had to be in a movie. Anyway, I know exactly what you're going through... where was I?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) You lost somebody close to you...
BUFFY: (as Damon) Right, right, right. I lost... um, a cat. No, no. A dog. Yeah, I'm sticking with dog.
-This is hard for Damon. He's never opened up to anybody before.
SPIKE: Let me help. I can rip you open, and then you won't have to worry about it.
XANDER: Sorry, Spike, you'd only end up hurting yourself... though we appreciate the offer. We really do.
WILLOW: Yup.
BUFFY: Absolutely.
SPIKE: I'd deal with the pain, just let me rip him a little.
BUFFY: Well, you could, but- there's that whole thing where he's not real. That could hinder.
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)
WILLOW: And no, you can not go kill the actor.
SPIKE: (looks suspiciously pouty)
>Damon - (cont'd)
My girlfriend. She's uh- Well, she's dead. And, uh...
XANDER: (as Damon) ...and it was horrible... so wanna have sex now?
>Natalie - (sympathetic)
Oh, I'm so
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...pretty, oh so pretty... I'm so pretty, and- oh, sorry, what were you saying, Damon?
>sorry.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ... I'm so sorry, Damon, you're really icky with that badly grown facial hair, and the bleach blonde hair thing going on... so not a turn-on. Besides, I'm beautiful, and you're... well, not. And I'm Natalie... the star of this movie, you're just a Star Trek redshirt. Buh-bye!
>Damon -
No, it's okay. She was sick for a while. She had a, a syndrome.
XANDER: (laughs) A syndrome. Gotcha.
>And after that, I was afraid to get close to anybody for a long time.
WILLOW: (as Damon) Yeah, I was afraid they'd have syndromes too.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) What kind of syndrome did she have?
WILLOW: (as Damon) Oh, you know... just, the killing kind that she had. That killed her.
>Natalie nods.
BUFFY: Damon dodges.
WILLOW: Parker pouts.
XANDER: Sasha sashays.
SPIKE: Paul pirouettes.
BUFFY: Brenda bops.
WILLOW: Michelle macarenas.
XANDER: (chuckles) Not anymore.
>Damon - (cont'd)
But then it hit me.
SPIKE: (as Damon) ...like a ton of bricks.
XANDER: (as Natalie) What did?
SPIKE: (as Damon) A ton of bricks. Weren't you listening?
>Why am I being so selfish?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) 'Cause you are.
WILLOW: (as Damon) Oh, yeah. I forgot.
>Natalie shrugs.
SPIKE: (shrugs)
XANDER: (shrugs)
WILLOW: (shrugs)
BUFFY: (shrugs)
>Damon - (cont'd)
I still have so much love left inside of me to give.
SPIKE: (as Damon) ...and it's just... bursting at the seams, trying to get out, and... well, here, have a feel. No, not my chest, my pants.
>Natalie -
You do?
Damon -
Yeah, and Natalie, you're in need of loving.
BUFFY: This guy's a piece of work.
>Natalie -
I am?
BUFFY: (to Natalie) No, Damon is. Are you a guy? One would hope not.
>Damon -
Yeah! You're lonely, you're repressed, aching to break loose! Those are the types of problems only a man can fix.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Actually, women can fix them too... and Brenda did, so, I don't need you anymore.
>Natalie -
And I suppose you're that man.
WILLOW: What man?
SPIKE: The man with the power.
WILLOW: What power?
BUFFY: Oh, no you don't!
XANDER: Stop right there!
BUFFY: No more men with power-
XANDER: And voodoo whodo-
BUFFY: Just stop.
SPIKE/WILLOW: (snicker)
>Damon -
Well, you know it.
He chuckles. He leans toward Natalie, about to kiss her. Natalie pushes him away.
BUFFY: Ugh, this guy is a lot like Now-a-fish Boy.
XANDER: (chuckles) Think she'll break his nose too?
BUFFY: Hey, I didn't break his nose. Just... hurt it a lot.
WILLOW: Not like he didn't deserve it. (to Spike, seeing he's lost) See, back in high school, there was a swim team that was-
SPIKE: Oddly enough, I don't give a damn.
WILLOW: Fine. I just thought you might feel left out.
XANDER: And you're so concerned about how he feels... why?
WILLOW: Because I'm a human being.
>Natalie -
Nice try, Damon. That was a fairly good impersonation of a human being.
SPIKE: (side look at Willow) I've seen better.
>Damon -
I understand you're afraid. But you don't have to be afraid anymore, Natalie. You don't have to be afraid to love.
XANDER: (as Damon) Love me, Natalie! Love me! No, no. Not with your heart, with your body.
>He leans toward her, and she punches him right in the face.
ALL: Yay!
XANDER: Break his nose!
>Natalie -
Start the car right now!
Damon -
Okay, that hurt. You know, I'm just trying to help you out here. You don't have to act like such a bitch!
BUFFY: Wow, he even talks like Fish Boy.
>Natalie -
Believe me, it's no act.
Damon -
You sure you don't want to think this over, 'cause I'm all about
healing, Natalie.
XANDER: (as Damon) I'm all about healing. Oh, and hurting. Also, I sometimes like to steal, and kill. But mostly? I'm all about healing.
>Natalie -
One black eye or two, Damon. You decide.
WILLOW: Two! Two!
XANDER: Oh, oh... one! No, two. Wait, one!
BUFFY: Two! Definitely two.
SPIKE: Why stop with black eyes?
>Damon - (chuckles)
All right, fine. I'm gonna take a piss. I'll be right back.
BUFFY: (as Natalie, sighs) Oh, Damon, you're so romantic. Take me! Take me now!
>He opens the door and steps outside, slamming the door behind him.
Natalie -
Pig.
BUFFY: I like this girl.
SPIKE: You would.
>EXT. WOODS/CLEARING - NIGHT
Damon races off into the woods.
WILLOW: ...doing the pee-pee dance along the way.
BUFFY/XANDER: (laugh)
SPIKE: Dare I ask?
WILLOW: Oh, curiosity now? Maybe we don't want to share anymore.
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Whatever.
>INT. CAR
Natalie has turned on the radio. She pulls down the sun visor and
checks her hair.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Yep, still ratty with twigs in it. Perfect!
XANDER: Is she stupid? The car barely started in the first place, now she's got the radio on, draining the battery? What an idiot.
WILLOW: This is true.
>EXT. WOODS
Damon unzips his pants and begins
SPIKE: ...to-
BUFFY: Oh, no you don't. See this is one of those times that you don't need to go there.
SPIKE: But it's fun. Livens up this boring script, and puts a little life in you all.
XANDER: (considers) That's true.
WILLOW: But it's not always necessary to get icky with it, just to liven things up.
BUFFY: (trying to keep from laughing) Gettin' Icky With It... the new hit by Will Smith.
WILLOW: Hey, no mocking me. Just the movies.
>urinating.
ALL: Ew.
SPIKE: See. That's what the movie gave us. I tried to give us something more.
WILLOW: Well, Spike, if you want to read about men masturbating... don't let us stop you. (watches him innocently) Go, ahead.
SPIKE: (growls at her) You bloody well know that's not what I meant.
XANDER: I think it's time for another break.
BUFFY: I agree.
Chapter 3
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Rating: R
Summary: An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room that's grown into a house, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first two parodies: I Know What They Parodied Last Summer, and, I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer. That should clear some things up.
Disclaimer: The movie they're riffing on--Urban Legend--and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel (in case I mention stuff from there), and Mystery Science Theater 3000, don't belong to me and I make no money off of them.
A/N: This takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in the picture, so is Riley. And that's about it I think.
********
********
The four of them jumped to their feet at the same time, Xander and Spike staring each other down, while Buffy pulled them apart. Willow, offended by Spike's criticism, ignored them all and sat in the chair across the room.
"I'm not a prude," she muttered to herself. "I've done things... lots of things." She and Oz had done stuff, mostly just straight forward sex, but other things too. She sighed heavily. Maybe Spike was right. On the other hand, Spike was a vampire, and his standards were different from her human ones.
Right?
Feeling slightly better, she tuned in the argument still going on across the room. Spike was drinking his mug of blood, and rolling his eyes while Xander railed at him. Buffy was leaning back against the door, her head thrown back, staring at the ceiling. She looked like she was bored to death. Spike and Xander, on the other hand, looked about ready to kill each other.
"Shut up, Harris," Spike ground out. "I didn't touch your precious Willow, I have no intentions of touching her, and if I did, you'd have no say in it whatsoever. Mostly because you'd be dead." He grinned, obviously enjoying the thought of Xander being dead.
"Wrong," Willow disagreed, not even realizing she'd said that out loud until Xander and Spike turned toward her. She cleared her throat, suddenly uncomfortable. "Um, Xander would..." realizing how wimpy she sounded, she raised her voice, speaking more firmly, "Xander would have a say in it if you were going to hurt or kill me. In fact, every person in the world would have a right to interfere. I'd even encourage it."
"Look at that, she's got a spine after all," Spike told the room. "But," his eyes fixed on hers, his lips turning up in a sly grin, "we weren't talking about the killing kind of touching." He set his mug down, and dropped into his seat. "Now can we just do this stupid thing?"
Willow stared at the back of Spike's head, then turned her gaze to Xander, who was fuming silently as he sat. Buffy, who'd remained quiet throughout the whole argument, shoved away from the wall, staring at her seat with something akin to dread. Willow knew exactly how she felt, especially now. She really didn't want to sit next to Spike again, but it was the only seat left... so, she sat.
********
EXT. PENDLETON COLLEGE - MORNING
The sun has just begun to rise as students wake and head for their morning classes. The camera slowly pans over to an old, Victorian style building. It's about five or six stories high, with a tower on one side.
BUFFY: ...its turn-ons include loud, noisy students. And its turn-offs are eggs, toilet paper, and bags of flaming dog poop left on its stoop.
>Professor - (o.c.)
Last week we discussed folklore as a gauge for the values of the
society that created them.
XANDER: (as Wexler) ...this week, I say to hell with class, let's part-ay!
>INT. LECTURE HALL
Professor WILLIAM WEXLER, a nerdish man in his late forties, early fifties, stands in front of a large group of students, discussing urban legends.
CUT TO:
Damon. He sighs, bored with the class.
BUFFY: (overly cheery) Look, guys! Random sentences?
WILLOW: That's not a random sentence.
BUFFY: (sighs) I know, but, can't we pretend?
WILLOW: (shakes her head) Nah, this isn't a good one. But, cheer up, there may be a real random sentence later. You never know.
BUFFY: (pouts) This script is boring. There are no typos, no run-on sentences, no random sentences, and... it's boring.
WILLOW: I'm sorry. Next time we'll ask for a bad one?
>CUT TO:
Wexler. He stands on a giant stage, a desk cluttered with papers behind him.
XANDER: ...he's playing the part of Willy Loman, leaving the students to wonder when the urban legend part of the class was going to begin.
>Wexler -
Today, today, we get more specific.
WILLOW: (as Wexler) Tomorrow, tomorrow, we get bland again.
>CUT TO:
Natalie and Brenda, watching Wexler. Parker sits behind them, eating. Damon sits next to Parker.
SPIKE: ...with his hand on Parker's knee. Their love is a secret one.
>CUT BACK TO:
Wexler. He uses a control to activate a slide projector that is
stationed at the very back of the large auditorium. The image of a woman sitting on a couch with a phone in her hand appears on the wall behind Wexler.
XANDER: (as Brenda, gasps) It's magick!
>On closer inspection, we see a man standing on the dark steps, a cell phone in hand. It is a very threatening picture.
BUFFY: I totally feel absolutely threatened by that picture.
WILLOW: (agreeing) It's a scary one.
XANDER: (bravely) I'll kick that picture's ass. It doesn't scare me.
>Wexler -
A baby sitter receives menacing phone calls. And upon investigating them, she realizes that they are originating from an upstairs bedroom, the very room where she's left the children under her care to sleep.
BUFFY: She should've left them under the covers in bed, they'd probably be safe there.
>Wexler presses the button and the image changes to a close up of the man.
ALL: AHHHH!
>Wexler -
Now, who's heard this before? Hmm?
XANDER: (as Wexler) Huh? Hmm? Who? Who's heard of this? Huh? You? You? What about you? Have you? Huh? Answer me!
>Most of the students raise their hands.
XANDER: (as Wexler) That's better.
>CUT TO:
Brenda and Natalie.
Brenda -
Well, that really happened to a girl in my hometown.
SPIKE: (as Wexler, condescendingly) Sure it did, dear.
>Wexler - (chuckling)
Oh, yes, I'm sure it did. I'm sure most of you grew up thinking this happened to girls in, in all your hometowns, but it didn't.
Brenda - (to Natalie)
It did.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) It didn't.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) It did.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) It didn't.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) It did.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) It didn't.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) It did.
XANDER: Ack! Stop! We get the idea.
>Wexler - (cont'd)
You see, the baby sitter and the man upstairs is what we call an urban legend.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Um, Mr. Wexler? I thought the story told about them was the urban legend. They're just people. They can't be urban legends.
XANDER: (as Wexler) Hey! Who's teaching this class?
>Parker nods his head while Wexler talks.
SPIKE: (as Parker) Yes, Wexler is teaching this class.
>Wexler - (cont'd)
Contemporary folklore passed on as a true story. There are variations of this one going back to the 1960's, all of them containing the same cultural admonition: Young women, mind your children well, or harm will come your way.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh. I thought it meant; don't babysit, it's not worth the hassle.
>Wexler stops, building up the tension. But then, his watch alarm begins beeping musically. He glances at it.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) Oh, hold on. I love this song.
>Wexler - (to class)
Oh. Excuse me.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) I have to listen to my watch playing pretty music. Be right with you.
>It continues to beep and Brenda laughs. Wexler turns to face her. Natalie is trying to control her laughter, but Brenda is laughing hysterically.
Wexler -
Something funny you might care to share with the rest of us?
WILLOW: (as Brenda, giggling) Um, it's funny that you have to take a pill. I laugh at your misfortune.
SPIKE: Who said he was taking a pill?
WILLOW: Logic dictates it. Why else would he set an alarm on his watch and need to excuse himself when it went off? He didn't leave the room, all he did was turn his back on the class. (pauses) And I've seen the movie.
>Brenda - (through laughs)
No, I was just saying, like, the cultural admonition is don't babysit?
WILLOW: (as Brenda, giggling) I'm so cute!
>The class laughs at this. Wexler doesn't find it funny at all.
XANDER: (as Wexler) I don't find this funny at all.
>Wexler -
Why don't you, uh, come up here, and uh, volunteer for my little
experiment, hmm?
BUFFY: Wow, that didn't sound sinister at all.
>Damon -
Yeah, that's a great idea.
Brenda hesitates, making Wexler angry.
Wexler -
Now, young lady!
Brenda -
Coming.
WILLOW: (turns to Spike when he remains silent) Nothing?
SPIKE: (shrugs) Refraining, remember?
WILLOW: (pleasantly surprised) Right.
>She gets up and starts to walk to the stage. Damon calls after her in a very Austin Powers like voice.
XANDER: (as Austin Powers) Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?
SPIKE: (to Xander) Don't do that again.
XANDER: (to Willow, quietly) I thought I did a fair impression of him.
WILLOW: (pats his arm) You always do.
>Damon -
Yeah, baby, yeah.
Wexler -
Don't worry, you'll probably survive.
When Brenda gets up on the stage, Wexler tosses her a bag of candy.
Wexler -
Had those before?
BUFFY: (as Brenda) No, I live in a cave, under a mountain. What is this 'candy' you speak of?
>Brenda -
Yeah, they're Pop Rocks. They crackle in your mouth.
Wexler -
Eat some.
Brenda -
Okay.
Brenda opens the bag and pours some of the Pop Rocks in her mouth.
XANDER: SNAP!
WILLOW: CRACKLE!
BUFFY: POP!
>CUT TO:
Natalie, watching intently.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) This is so cool, Brenda's gonna die, how fun!
>CUT BACK TO:
Brenda and Wexler. Brenda is chewing on the candy, which makes a
crackling sound.
XANDER: SNAP!
WILLOW: CRACKLE!
BUFFY: POP!
SPIKE: Okay, you really need to stop that.
>Wexler picks a coke off his desk and opens it.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) Mmm, fresh Coke, straight off the vine.
>He holds it out to her.
Wexler -
Thirsty?
Brenda shakes her head and backs away, frightened.
Wexler -
What's wrong? Something you might have heard about mixing Pop Rocks and soda?
CUT TO:
Natalie, grinning. She's heard this story before.
BUFFY: (excited) Random spaces! Look, Willow, random spaces!
WILLOW: No, Buffy.
BUFFY: But...
WILLOW: (shakes her head firmly) No, Buffy.
BUFFY: (pouts) Ruin my fun.
>CUT BACK TO:
Brenda and Wexler.
Brenda -
Well, supposedly, your stomach and intestines, everything bursts.
XANDER: (as Brenda) Plus, they're really sour.
WILLOW: (sings) Hey, what are you lookin' at? She was a sour girl the day that she left me.
XANDER: (sings) She was a sour girl the day that she met me.
BUFFY: I love that song!
SPIKE: What song?
WILLOW: Sour Girl, by Stone Temple Pilots.
BUFFY: The girl in the video has really pretty hair.
OTHERS: ...
>Wexler -
Really? Anyone you know die this way?
Brenda nods.
BUFFY: Natalie nags.
WILLOW: (giving in) Sasha sighs.
XANDER: Paul pirouettes.
SPIKE: Parker poses.
BUFFY: (claps) Yay.
>Brenda -
Mikey. From the cereal commercial. "Give it to Mikey. He'll eat
anything."
SPIKE: (snorts) Again with the Mikey thing.
>Wexler -
Oh.
ALL: (as Wexler) Ohhhhhh!
>He picks up the control and hits a button. The picture changes to show a young boy eating cereal.
Wexler -
You mean him?
CUT TO:
Parker.
Parker - (mockingly)
Mikey likes it.
The class laughs.
XANDER: (hesitantly) Hehe... it's funny.
WILLOW: No, it's not.
XANDER: (relieved) Oh, thank God.
>CUT BACK TO:
Brenda and Wexler. He gives Parker a disgusted look.
Brenda -
Yeah.
SPIKE: Yeah? Is she agreeing with Wexler's disgusted look?
OTHERS: Yeah.
SPIKE: ...okay.
>He hits a button and the picture changes to an adult man grinning.
SPIKE: He's my new favorite character in the movie.
WILLOW: But, he's not even in the movie.
SPIKE: Even better.
>Wexler -
What if I told you that this is Mikey, alive and well, and working as an ad executive in New York City? Would you drink some then?
ALL: No.
>Brenda looks at the picture, then at Wexler, not knowing if she should do it.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) I don't know if I should do it.
>She doesn't want her insides to burst.
WILLOW: I don't want my insides to burst.
XANDER: Oh, why not? You big baby.
>Brenda sighs. From way in the back, Damon stands up and raises his hand.
Damon -
I'll do it.
Parker points at Damon as he makes his way up to the stage. Parker leans forward while Natalie's jaw drops, amazed.
BUFFY: Her jaw is amazed?
XANDER: I think Natalie's amazed.
BUFFY: Oh... why?
OTHERS: (shrug)
>Damon walks up to the stage and grabs a bag of Pop Rocks from off the desk. He opens it and pours some into his mouth.
Damon -
Oh, yeah.
SPIKE: (as Damon) That hits the spot. (as himself) He needed his Pop Rocks fix.
>Wexler hands him the coke.
SPIKE: (as Damon) Nah, I don't do coke.
>Wexler -
Your soda.
SPIKE: (as Damon) Don't do soda either. Just Pop Rocks.
>Damon holds the soda up for the class to see, then drinks it. Nothing happens.
Wexler -
Voila. Still alive.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Damn!
>CUT TO:
Parker and Natalie. They smile, relieved.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Yay. I'm relieved.
XANDER: (as Parker) Me too.
>CUT BACK TO:
Wexler, Brenda, and Damon.
XANDER: ...start to slow dance, and make googly eyes at each other.
>Wexler -
As I said, this story is nothing but an urban legend.
Damon looks like he's about to throw up.
BUFFY: (as Damon) Oh, no I'm not gonna throw up, I just took too close a look at Brenda's face. I'm good now.
>He puts his arm on Wexler's shoulder for support. Spit begins to come out of his mouth.
XANDER: (as Damon) Oops, little verp there, sorry.
OTHERS: Eww.
>CUT TO:
Natalie and Parker. They're relived faces
WILLOW: Really? They are relieved faces? Not their relieved faces? Really?
SPIKE: That whole mental rewriting thing went out the window with the first script, didn't it?
WILLOW: Oh, it's still there... but the force isn't as strong, Luke.
SPIKE: ... uh-huh.
>turn to horror as they watch Damon suffer.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) As much fun as this is... shouldn't we get help or something?
WILLOW: (as Parker) Hell no. I never liked that scene-stealing punk anyway.
>CUT TO:
The stage. Damon begins to fall to the ground, still clutching Wexler's shoulder. Brenda is starting to freak out.
Wexler - (exasperated)
Brooks.
XANDER: Wexler is a bit Giles-ish.
BUFFY: I was thinking the same thing.
>Damon falls down, and begins to roll down the steps.
XANDER: (as Damon) Wheeeeeee!
>Brenda screams and some students stand up to get a better view.
WILLOW: (as student) Wow, check out the dying kid, this is so cool!
BUFFY: (as other student) Move over, I can't see! Ow! You're on my foot, scoot over!
XANDER: (as yet another student) Neat! I never would've seen this at my other school. Glad I transferred here.
>Brenda -
Professor!
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Professor! They're obstructing my view, make them stop!
>Wexler just walks over to his desk and watches.
Damon lays on the ground, clutching his stomach. Moans of pain escape his lips.
Parker -
He's gonna explode!
WILLOW (as student) All right! I've never seen anyone explode before. This school rocks!
>Brenda SCREAMS!
SPIKE: What else is new?
>Parker -
Someone call 9-1-1!
BUFFY: (as student) But... I'll miss the explosion.
>He turns to another STUDENT.
Parker - (cont'd)
Go!
XANDER: (as other student) No way, man, you go. I'm staying to watch.
>The student turns and runs.
WILLOW: ...smack dab into a wall. He falls to the floor, unconscious, then proceeds to roll down the aisle, smacking his head on every row of chairs. He comes to land at Brenda's feet.
SPIKE: Brenda screams.
XANDER: (to Spike) No, no. Brenda SCREAMS.
WILLOW: and... scene!
>More colored spit and vomit pour from Damon's mouth.
BUFFY: Could this be more disgusting?
SPIKE: He could've crapped his pants too.
BUFFY: And there's my answer.
>Students begin to stand up, afraid. Natalie has an expression of pure terror on her face. Then, all of a sudden, Damon stops. He doesn't move. His eyes close. All the students expect to see him explode, but then...
SPIKE: ...he implodes instead.
>His eyes open and he grins. Damon looks at Brenda and chuckles.
Damon -
Ahh.
XANDER: (as Damon) ... sorry 'bout that. Pop Rocks make me do crrrrrrazy thing... must be the sugar.
>Brenda throws the bag of Pop Rocks at Damon.
BUFFY: ...impaling him in the eye. The students laugh. A fun time was had by all.
>Natalie sighs and Parker throws
WILLOW: ...up on her. (as Parker) God, Natalie, you're breath is making me sick, they're called tic-tacs, use 'em.
>his hands up, grinning.
Wexler -
Thank you for your help, Mr. Brooks.
BUFFY: (as Wexler) Thanks for scaring my students, and for spitting on me... and pretending to be about to explode. It was fun. Oh, and thank you for the almost throwing up part too.
XANDER: (as Damon) It was nothing.
>Parker -
Brilliant. He's brilliant.
WILLOW: Well, sure, if you define brilliance by the ability to spit and play dead.
BUFFY: I hear that's what colleges are looking for these days.
>EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - LATER - AFTERNOON
Brenda and Natalie are walking,
SPIKE: ...around in circles because they can't remember how to get home.
>Brenda holding a bottle of water.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) At least we've got water. Natalie. If we don't make it home, I just wanted you to know that... well, your hair is really, really ugly. Hug!
>Brenda -
Oh, he is such a moron.
Natalie -
Yeah, but who fell for it?
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Everyone but Wexler... what's your point?
XANDER: (as Natalie) No point. I was just curious, 'cause I fainted from fear.
>Brenda laughs at her own stupidity.
BUFFY: (as Brenda, laughing) Haha, it's funny how I was made a fool of. Let's do it again!
>Up ahead, REESE, the African American campus cop,
WILLOW: ...whose turn-ons include guns, and violence, and turn-offs include law-abiding citizens, and innocent people...
>is grabbing newspapers from all the students.
WILLOW: (as Reese) Give me those! Whoever put these nude pictures of me in here is gonna pay!
>DEAN ADAMS looks on.
XANDER: (as Dean Adams) Tee hee, she'll never figure out I it was me.
>Dean Adams is in his fifties with a very sour look and cold demeanor.
Brenda -
Hey, what's going on?
Reese grabs a newspaper from a student.
WILLOW: ...and rolls it up, beating the poor kid about the face and shoulders. (As Reese) Bad, student! Bad, bad, student!
>Reese -
Excuse me, young man. Can't read these.
XANDER: (as student) Um, yes I can, 'cause, I learned how to read a few years ago.
>Female Student -
She had just left campus.
ALL: Who?
>Male Student -
A sophomore.
BUFFY: A name would help. Maybe one of them extra special descriptions?
>Natalie goes over to a stand and grabs a newspaper.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Mine!
>She unfolds it.
CLOSE ON:
The front page. It has a picture of Michelle Mancini and the words "Lunatic on Campus?"
BUFFY: Didn't that girl just say Michelle was off campus? And, hello, we were there for the murder, she was definitely off campus, so why does the paper have a bogus headline like that? And please, like it has anything to do with the college. Who came up with that crap story?
OTHERS: Paul.
BUFFY: Oh... now I see why he almost won the student Pulitzer. If only the E-Coli crisis had actually happened.
>NORMAL VIEW
Brenda -
She went to Pendleton? I knew I should've gone to N.Y.U.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...but this college had that extra special allure of rumored mass murder.
>Paul comes up behind them.
Paul -
Tragic, huh?
They turn and Brenda immediately brightens up.
Brenda -
Hi, Paul.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Cool murder thing, huh? Wanna go to the funeral with me?
>Paul -
Hi.
Natalie -
Is this true?
XANDER: (as Paul) No, I made it all up to piss Reese off. Funny, huh?
>Paul -
I certainly hope so. Otherwise I'm gonna have one hell of a retraction on my hands.
His gaze wanders over to where Dean Adams and Reese are collecting all the newspapers.
Paul -
Hey!
BUFFY: (as Paul) ...those are my lies. Give me back my lies!
-He rushes over to them.
Paul -
What do you think you're doing? You can't come and take every copy here.
Dean Adams -
You're the one who wrote this inflammatory piece of rubbish.
Paul -
Actually, the factious quotes about being deeply shocked and heartsick, are yours, Dean Adams.
XANDER: (as Paul) ...it's just the rest of the story that's rubbish, and lies.
BUFFY: (as Dean Adams) Yeah, well... I've changed my mind. I want my quote back.
>Dean Adams -
Let me tell you something, young man.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Yes?
XANDER: (as Adams) Oh, that's all I've got... I just like to sound important. How'd I do?
WILLOW: (as Paul) Good... really. Very good. All sorts of neat and stuff.
>The only lunatic on this campus is you.
Paul -
I'm flat
BUFFY: Xander... give him back the rest of his word.
XANDER: No.
WILLOW: Xander.
XANDER: He annoys me.
SPIKE: Harris.
XANDER: Fine. Party poopers.
>tered.
XANDER: (snickers)
>He holds up a recorder.
Paul - (cont'd)
Can I quote you on that?
BUFFY: (as Adams) Well, okay, but you've gotta get the quote right, and the syntax, otherwise it loses all its punch. And I've got this high, squeaky voice, could you make me sound deeper? Or cooler, you know? 'Cause, then maybe I'd get some respect, and-
SPIKE: (as Paul) Changed my mind. Don't need the quote after all.
-Dean Adams simply walks away.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Sore loser when he doesn't get his way.
-Reese steps toward Paul.
WILLOW: (as Reese) Hi, I'm Reese, the campus cop... aren't you a fine hunk of man? Ever thought about dating an older woman? I could rock your world!
XANDER: (as Paul) ...AHHHHHHH!
>Reese -
I have a quote for you. U.S. News and World Report named Pendleton the safest university in this country. You best believe that I intend to keep it that way.
BUFFY: Ah, isn't that cute? She's being all protect-y and stuff.
-Reese follows Dean Adams.
WILLOW: Like a lost little puppy.
XANDER: (as Reese) Woof.
>Paul -
Thank you, Reese. I'll be sure to stick that in the special school safety edition!
XANDER: Was that sarcasm or something?
OTHERS: (shrug)
>Natalie and Brenda start to walk away.
Natalie -
Let's get out of here.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...before they realize we're still in the shot... shh!
>Paul stops them.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) We weren't in the shot! We weren't! Were we, Brenda?
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Uh-huh! Hi, Paul! Let's go out tonight, talk about how sad I am about the murder. See my pout-y face and glittery eyes? I could cry if you wanted me to. I was totally friends with Michael-
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Michelle.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Whatever. So, Paul, is it true what they say about journalists? That they have big-
XANDER: Hey! No. Stop it right now! No icky talk from you gals.
WILLOW: (rolls her eyes) I was going to say 'egos'.
>Paul -
Hold on a second. How about some interviews? You know, "students react to the tragedy on campus?"
Brenda - (more than willing)
Okay. I am saddened and moved by the sudden-
SPIKE: Guess you had her pegged, Witch.
WILLOW: (grins) It's a gift.
>Natalie - (interrupting)
This was someone's life. Did you even spend one minute thinking about that?
XANDER: (as Paul) Um... nope. Not really. No. Unh-uh.
Paul -
No, I didn't. But because of my story, 3,500 students will. I think that's enough to help me sleep at night.
Natalie -
Come on, let's go.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Well, okay. Your place, or mine?
>She grabs Brenda's arm and starts to lead her away.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Hey, wait! I thought you wanted me!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I changed my mind... I want Brenda instead.
>Brenda -
Natalie, what-
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Shut up, Brenda. You have no say in this. Let's just go have sex.
>Natalie throws the paper in the trash can.
SPIKE: (as Paul, sighs) She wants me. They all do. As soon as she's done doin' the chick, she'll come crawlin' back to ole Paul. Yep. Any time now.
XANDER: Paul's quite the delusional newsie.
>Newscaster - (voice-over)
The decapitated body of 20 year old..
BUFFY: (as student) Ahh! Where's that voice coming from? Run!
WILLOW: (as other student) Ahh! I hear voices! Ahh!
XANDER: (as another student) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
>INT. STUDENT UNION - LATER
CLOSE ON:
A T.V.
SPIKE: No.
>A NEWSCASTER stands in front of the gas station where Michelle Mancini was killed.
BUFFY: She wasn't killed in the gas station. Or in front of it. Or even near it. She was driving, vroom-vroom? Remember?
>Newscaster - (cont'd)
Pendleton student Michelle Mancini was found in her car. Police suspect the assailant was probably hiding in the backseat.
CUT TO:
Parker and Sasha, sitting next to each other, listening.
XANDER: (as Parker) Sasha... did you hear that?
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Shh, I'm listening.
>CLOSE ON:
The T.V.
SPIKE: No.
>Newscaster -
In the meanwhile, the search continues for Michael
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Poor Michael, being all dead and stuff... hey, Paul, wanna go to my place?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Michelle. Her name was Michelle. Argh! I hate you, Brenda!
>McDonnell, the proprietor of the gas station where she was last seen.
CUT TO:
Natalie, watching with interest.
CLOSE ON:
The T.V.
SPIKE: No.
XANDER: Ack! Rapid scene changes! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
>Newscaster - (cont'd)
Police are asking anyone with any information to his whereabouts, to contact them immediately.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) He's in the morgue. Duh. He was killed... remember? Hi, Paul!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Die, Brenda! Die!
>CUT TO:
Damon. He takes a sip of his coffee.
XANDER: Holy crap! Did you guys see that? Damon is freakin' talented! A round of applause for Damon, ladies and gentlemen.
>CLOSE ON:
The T.V.
SPIKE: No.
OTHERS: Enough!
>Newscaster - (cont'd)
This is David McAree, reporting live.
BUFFY: (as newscaster) I don't really have anything to report... I just wanted to say that.
>CUT TO:
Parker, Damon, Brenda, Natalie, and Sasha.
XANDER: Ack! People overload.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Where's Paul? I was planning on being loud and obvious so he'd notice me.
SPIKE: (as Damon) He took off before you got here muttering something about annoying females, and Noxema.
OTHERS: (laugh)
>Parker -
How horrible. +
XANDER: Plus what?
BUFFY: I think it's, like, emphasis?
SPIKE: (mocking Buffy) Or, like, a mistake?
>Sasha -
Someone told me she was listening to my show when it happened. My voice was probably the last thing she heard. Can you imagine?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Aw, the poor thing, having to listen to your grating, annoying voice as she died... how sad.
WILLOW: Who was this person who knows what Michelle was listening to when she died? And, hello, she was listening to a Bonnie Tyler tape, not the radio. Get your facts straight.
>Brenda leans forward, scared.
Brenda -
You guys, what if there is a lunatic on campus?
XANDER: (as Parker) Whooo! Paaaar-taaaaaay! Let's commemorate her death with an orgy! Alright! Yeah!
>Damon -
It's fine with me, I'm hitting the half-pipe at Killington this
weekend.
BUFFY: (as Damon) Yeah, I really don't care if you all get killed. Never liked you much anyway. So, who wants to sleep with me tonight? Show of hands.
>Brenda -
Did anybody know her? She roomed in Daly.
Parker -
No.
Sasha -
No.
WILLOW: No.
XANDER: No.
SPIKE: No.
BUFFY: No.
>Brenda looks over at Natalie. She's far off, distant.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) You're so distant these days, Natalie... you don't love me anymore, do you?
XANDER: (as Natalie) I never did, Brenda, you just thought I did-
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ooo! Paul! Hi! Tragic news brings people together... we should cuddle.
>Brenda -
Hello? Space cadet?
She snaps her fingers in front of Natalie's face. Natalie comes out of it.
BUFFY: ...and slaps Brenda a few times, then punches her in the stomach. (as Natalie) Sorry, I was daydreaming. What'd you say?
WILLOW: ( as Brenda) Nothin'... um, I need to go spit out this mouthful of blood... and then puke. Be right back.
>Natalie -
Oh, no. I didn't know her.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) She didn't know her, guys. Hey, guys! Natalie didn't know Michael!
SPIKE: (as Damon) We're right here, we heard her answer, you stupid bimbo.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) I know, but here comes Paul. I thought he might find me more interesting if I-
SPIKE: (as Damon) Screech like a banshee?
>Brenda nods.
SPIKE: (as Damon) Oh, look, it worked. He noticed you. See the way he's hightailing it out of here?
>Damon -
Actually, I did know her.
Sasha -
You did?
Damon -
Yeah. And I'll miss her too, cause she gave great head.
SPIKE/XANDER: (burst out laughing)
WILLOW/BUFFY: (try not to laugh)
BUFFY: (chuckling) That was horrible!
WILLOW: (giggles) Yep.
BUFFY: But funny.
WILLOW: Yep. (laughs)
>Sasha and Parker burst out laughing.
Damon -
You get it? She gave great head?
SPIKE: Well, because we're not idiots... yes, we did get it.
>Parker -
That's good.
Brenda rolls her eyes.
EXT. DORM - EVENING
The sun is starting to set.
XANDER: All right... who pressed the Reset button?
>INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
Tosh is on the Internet, listening to some music and smoking a
cigarette.
SPIKE: ...doin' a little coke, drinkin' a little Jack, and checking out the porn sites.
>The door opens and Natalie walks in.
SPIKE: (as Tosh) Hey, Natalie, the chick on this porn site looks a lot like you.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Um, I was young, I needed the money, and- oh, who am I kidding? I have an awesome body and I felt the need to share my gloriousness with the world.
>She closes the door. Tosh looks at her then back at the computer. She rolls her eyes.
WILLOW: (as Tosh, scoffs) You close a door like an idiot.
>Natalie -
Hey, Tosh. Sorry about last night.
XANDER: (as Natalie) I'm sorry I came into my own room and expected not to get yelled at, and not having to put up with listening to you and your boyfriend go at it all night.
BUFFY: (as Tosh) Well, you should be sorry. Stupid nerd.
>Tosh -
Yeah? Don't let it happen again.
Natalie bends down, and sees a bottle of pills on the floor.
SPIKE: What, does she just randomly bend down when she walks into a room?
BUFFY: Sure.
>She bends down and picks it up.
WILLOW: Mine!
SPIKE: Thought she was already bent down.
>CLOSE ON:
The bottle. The word "Lithium" is on it in big, bold letters.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Cool, drugs.
>NORMAL VIEW
Natalie walks over to Tosh and hands her the bottle.
Natalie -
Here. You dropped these.
Tosh takes the pills, and sets them down. Natalie walks over to the phone and picks it up. She gets the busy signal.
BUFFY: Oh, no! Not... 'the busy signal'! Say it isn't so.
>Natalie -
Uh, Tosh, excuse me?
Tosh smiles, and presses a few buttons on the keyboard. She turns the music off. She stands up, furious.
WILLOW: Yes, I can see how furious she is by that smile on her face.
SPIKE: Maybe it's a furious smile.
WILLOW: Maybe the writer should've said that.
>Tosh -
It's my phone line too.
XANDER: (as Tosh) So there!
>Tosh storms out of the room, slamming the door shut.
Natalie sets the phone down on the hook. She presses a few numbers and the answering machine comes on.
BUFFY: Wait, wait. She needed the phone free to listen to her messages? Is that really necessary?
WILLOW: No. Not at all. She's just rude.
>Brenda - (voice-over)
Hey, it's Brenda. You seemed kinda weird this afternoon. You okay, hon? Call me.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh! Paul just walked in, gotta go. On second thought, don't call me. Paul and I just might be... busy.
>Natalie walks over to the closet and takes off her jacket. The machine beeps.
Mom -
Natalie, it's Mom.
XANDER: How long has Natalie been gone that she wouldn't recognize her mother's voice anymore?
>Sweetie, I'm just calling to make sure you're okay. Isn't it horrible about Michelle?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) It's Michael! How many times do I- oh. Hehe. Nevermind.
>Please call. Okay? Love you.
Natalie grins and reaches up to a shelf in the closet.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Aha, my butcher knife. Think I'll pay Brenda a little visit.
>Stuck between two boxes is a year book. Natalie grabs it and pulls it out. The answering machine beeps a few times.
Natalie walks over to her bed and sits down. She opens the year book and starts flipping through the pages. She stops when she comes to a picture of the Spirit Squad. We see Natalie standing next to another girl. On closer inspection, we see that it is Michelle Mancini.
Natalie looks over at the other page. There's a closeup of Natalie and Michelle. Under the picture are the words: Team Captains: Michelle Mancini and Natalie Simon. Natalie is quiet, remembering the yells they used to do. The voices of the Spirit Squad can be heard shouting. This is very hard for Natalie.
ALL: (yawn)
BUFFY: Enough backstory.
>Suddenly, there's a knock at the door and Damon enters.
ALL: Yay!
WILLOW: Stuff's gonna happen.
>Damon -
Hey. I was in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by, see if you want to come to the house. Parker said he's gonna pierce Hootie's nose.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Do you believe everything Parker says?
XANDER: (as Natalie) As long as the Blowfish don't mind, I'm there.
>Natalie is still very quiet. When she speaks, it has a sad tone.
Natalie -
Hootie's a dog.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I wish Hootie was human, 'cause then I could date him, but he's not, so... ho-hum.
>Damon -
That's no reason why he can't be hip.
XANDER: Yes, it is.
>Natalie -
No, that's okay, Damon.
Damon -
What's up, Natalie? You all right?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) No. My dog just died. And you just taunted me with Hootie. Bastard.
>Natalie -
Yeah, I'm fine.
Damon -
Look,
XANDER: (as Natalie) Where?
>we don't have to go hang out with a bunch of drunken frat boys. We can go some place and talk.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Nah, I like hanging out with drunken frat boys. How else am I gonna get a date?
XANDER: (as Damon) Hey, what about me?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, silly! You're not drunk, and you've got badly grown facial hair.
>Natalie doesn't know if she wants to.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) I don't know if I want to.
>Natalie -
Mmmm.
BUFFY: Mmmm, what?
>Damon -
I really don't want this to get out around campus, but I can actually be a good listener once in a while.
Natalie smiles.
WILLOW: ...then proceeds to call everyone she knows and tell them that Damon's just a big ole sissy.
>Damon kinda nods his head and smiles.
BUFFY: (as Damon, to himself) Just nod, smile, and slowly back away.
>Damon -
Okay?
Natalie -
Okay.
WILLOW: Aww, their first date, and we get to go with them.
SPIKE: ...yeah.
XANDER: ...yeah.
BUFFY: ...yeah.
WILLOW: (shudders, whispers) I'm scared.
>EXT. DORM - NIGHT
Damon jogs around his car to the drivers side.
BUFFY: (as Damon) Feel the burn! Feel the burn! Whoo! Since gettin' that Sweating' to the Oldies tape, I can almost run around a car without getting winded.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wow, I am impressed!
>He opens the door and climbs inside.
BUFFY: (as Damon) Okay... (gasp) that actually... (gasp) did me in.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Not so impressed anymore.
>INT. DAMON'S CAR
Damon turns to face Natalie.
Damon -
Want something to warm you up?
SPIKE: (as Damon) I've got a little something here in my pants that should do the trick.
WILLOW: (to Spike) Do you even try to censor yourself?
SPIKE: (grins) Nope. (narrows his eyes at her) And you can stop pouting right now, it isn't helping your case in the least.
WILLOW: (shrugs) It was worth a try. How about if I hit you? Would that help? 'Cause I could, you know.
SPIKE: (chuckles) It'd probably give me something to laugh at.
WILLOW: (nods, and punches him in the arm)SPIKE: (glares at her) Do you mind?
WILLOW: (grins) You looked like you could use some cheering up.
XANDER/BUFFY: (snicker)
>Natalie -
Sure.
Damon grabs a coke and opens it. He hands it to Natalie.
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Oh, that was much better than my suggestion.
>Natalie -
Thanks.
Damon turns the key, and the car sputters. Damon turns to Natalie, embarrassed.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) It's okay, Damon, it happens to all men.
WILLOW: (whispers) And vampires-
SPIKE: Hey! Not the same thing. (points to his head) Government chip. Not the same thing at all.
XANDER: Why so defensive there, Spike? (snickers)
SPIKE: I hate you all.
>Damon -
It's a slight process.
He turns the key again. The car continues to sputter. Damon chuckles weakly. He hits the dashboard, and the car starts.
XANDER: So... are they in a car, or a pop machine?
BUFFY: Well, he did pull a Coke out from... somewhere.
XANDER: This is true.
>The song from "Dawson's Creek" begins playing over the radio.
ALL: (cover their ears)
>Song -
I don't wanna wait-
WILLOW: And the in-jokes abound.
XANDER: Eh?
WILLOW: Damon? He's one of the kids from Dawson's Creek.
OTHERS: (stare at the script in horror)
WILLOW: (laugh) Don't you guys watch commercials? How could you not know that? Spike, you knew Brandy was in the last movie we read, but not this?
SPIKE: (surprised) She was?
WILLOW: (rolls her eyes) Funny.
BUFFY: Knowing about Brandy is one thing, knowing about Dawson's Creek actors is something else entirely.
WILLOW: Granted.
SPIKE: Really? She was?
OTHERS: (roll their eyes)
>Damon -
Oh God.
XANDER: (as Damon) ...I just realized that... in this light, with the moonlight filtering through the trees... you're freakin' ugly! Get out! Get out! You're scaring me, man.
>He quickly turns the radio off. Natalie smiles.
BUFFY: ...then jumps out of the car, tucking and rolling. Springing to her feet, she takes off running toward the dorms, thanking God for her luck in escaping the Dawson's Creek kid.
>EXT. DORM
The car takes off, still sputtering.
XANDER: (as car) But- but- I didn't- I couldn't- what? Huh?
OTHERS: O_O
WILLOW: Sputtering car?
XANDER: (grins, extremely proud of himself) Uh-huh!
-EXT. WOODS/CLEARING - LATER - NIGHT
Damon's car is parked in the middle of a clearing.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Come on, Damon, this is the best thing to do.
BUFFY: (as Damon) Are you sure?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Absolutely. Setting the car free is best for you, and it. It needs to be out in the wild, free to run around and be among others of its kind.
BUFFY: (chuckles)
>Damon - (o.s)
So you and Michelle were friends then?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Not really. We knew each other since we were two, and lived next door our whole lives... spent every waking moment together, and some not waking moments, but no, I wouldn't say we were friends.
>Natalie - (o.s.)
Yeah.
Damon - (o.s.)
What happened?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Well, we met, and became friends. Duh.
Natalie - (o.s.)
I'd really rather not talk about her anymore.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) It's totally a touchy subject.
WILLOW: Totally?
BUFFY: Totally.
>INT. CAR - NIGHT
SPIKE: Oh, look we finally get to go in the car with them.
>Damon -
That's completely understandable. If you don't want to open up, that's fine.
A moment of silence.
XANDER: (as Damon) Well? I'm waiting. Are you gonna open up, or not? I don't have all night. Slow-ass woman.
>Damon -
But I want you to know that I know what exactly you're going through.
BUFFY: He knows what exactly she's... that's quite the awkward sentence structure there.
WILLOW: (nods) It really is.
>Natalie -
You do?
SPIKE: (as Damon) Nah! I was just foolin' with you.
>Damon -
Sure. I lost somebody close to me. Uh-
BUFFY: (as Damon) Uh... who was it again... um, oh, yeah, now I remember. It was- no, that was in a book I read. Well, wait, I don't read, so it had to be in a movie. Anyway, I know exactly what you're going through... where was I?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) You lost somebody close to you...
BUFFY: (as Damon) Right, right, right. I lost... um, a cat. No, no. A dog. Yeah, I'm sticking with dog.
-This is hard for Damon. He's never opened up to anybody before.
SPIKE: Let me help. I can rip you open, and then you won't have to worry about it.
XANDER: Sorry, Spike, you'd only end up hurting yourself... though we appreciate the offer. We really do.
WILLOW: Yup.
BUFFY: Absolutely.
SPIKE: I'd deal with the pain, just let me rip him a little.
BUFFY: Well, you could, but- there's that whole thing where he's not real. That could hinder.
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)
WILLOW: And no, you can not go kill the actor.
SPIKE: (looks suspiciously pouty)
>Damon - (cont'd)
My girlfriend. She's uh- Well, she's dead. And, uh...
XANDER: (as Damon) ...and it was horrible... so wanna have sex now?
>Natalie - (sympathetic)
Oh, I'm so
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...pretty, oh so pretty... I'm so pretty, and- oh, sorry, what were you saying, Damon?
>sorry.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ... I'm so sorry, Damon, you're really icky with that badly grown facial hair, and the bleach blonde hair thing going on... so not a turn-on. Besides, I'm beautiful, and you're... well, not. And I'm Natalie... the star of this movie, you're just a Star Trek redshirt. Buh-bye!
>Damon -
No, it's okay. She was sick for a while. She had a, a syndrome.
XANDER: (laughs) A syndrome. Gotcha.
>And after that, I was afraid to get close to anybody for a long time.
WILLOW: (as Damon) Yeah, I was afraid they'd have syndromes too.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) What kind of syndrome did she have?
WILLOW: (as Damon) Oh, you know... just, the killing kind that she had. That killed her.
>Natalie nods.
BUFFY: Damon dodges.
WILLOW: Parker pouts.
XANDER: Sasha sashays.
SPIKE: Paul pirouettes.
BUFFY: Brenda bops.
WILLOW: Michelle macarenas.
XANDER: (chuckles) Not anymore.
>Damon - (cont'd)
But then it hit me.
SPIKE: (as Damon) ...like a ton of bricks.
XANDER: (as Natalie) What did?
SPIKE: (as Damon) A ton of bricks. Weren't you listening?
>Why am I being so selfish?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) 'Cause you are.
WILLOW: (as Damon) Oh, yeah. I forgot.
>Natalie shrugs.
SPIKE: (shrugs)
XANDER: (shrugs)
WILLOW: (shrugs)
BUFFY: (shrugs)
>Damon - (cont'd)
I still have so much love left inside of me to give.
SPIKE: (as Damon) ...and it's just... bursting at the seams, trying to get out, and... well, here, have a feel. No, not my chest, my pants.
>Natalie -
You do?
Damon -
Yeah, and Natalie, you're in need of loving.
BUFFY: This guy's a piece of work.
>Natalie -
I am?
BUFFY: (to Natalie) No, Damon is. Are you a guy? One would hope not.
>Damon -
Yeah! You're lonely, you're repressed, aching to break loose! Those are the types of problems only a man can fix.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Actually, women can fix them too... and Brenda did, so, I don't need you anymore.
>Natalie -
And I suppose you're that man.
WILLOW: What man?
SPIKE: The man with the power.
WILLOW: What power?
BUFFY: Oh, no you don't!
XANDER: Stop right there!
BUFFY: No more men with power-
XANDER: And voodoo whodo-
BUFFY: Just stop.
SPIKE/WILLOW: (snicker)
>Damon -
Well, you know it.
He chuckles. He leans toward Natalie, about to kiss her. Natalie pushes him away.
BUFFY: Ugh, this guy is a lot like Now-a-fish Boy.
XANDER: (chuckles) Think she'll break his nose too?
BUFFY: Hey, I didn't break his nose. Just... hurt it a lot.
WILLOW: Not like he didn't deserve it. (to Spike, seeing he's lost) See, back in high school, there was a swim team that was-
SPIKE: Oddly enough, I don't give a damn.
WILLOW: Fine. I just thought you might feel left out.
XANDER: And you're so concerned about how he feels... why?
WILLOW: Because I'm a human being.
>Natalie -
Nice try, Damon. That was a fairly good impersonation of a human being.
SPIKE: (side look at Willow) I've seen better.
>Damon -
I understand you're afraid. But you don't have to be afraid anymore, Natalie. You don't have to be afraid to love.
XANDER: (as Damon) Love me, Natalie! Love me! No, no. Not with your heart, with your body.
>He leans toward her, and she punches him right in the face.
ALL: Yay!
XANDER: Break his nose!
>Natalie -
Start the car right now!
Damon -
Okay, that hurt. You know, I'm just trying to help you out here. You don't have to act like such a bitch!
BUFFY: Wow, he even talks like Fish Boy.
>Natalie -
Believe me, it's no act.
Damon -
You sure you don't want to think this over, 'cause I'm all about
healing, Natalie.
XANDER: (as Damon) I'm all about healing. Oh, and hurting. Also, I sometimes like to steal, and kill. But mostly? I'm all about healing.
>Natalie -
One black eye or two, Damon. You decide.
WILLOW: Two! Two!
XANDER: Oh, oh... one! No, two. Wait, one!
BUFFY: Two! Definitely two.
SPIKE: Why stop with black eyes?
>Damon - (chuckles)
All right, fine. I'm gonna take a piss. I'll be right back.
BUFFY: (as Natalie, sighs) Oh, Damon, you're so romantic. Take me! Take me now!
>He opens the door and steps outside, slamming the door behind him.
Natalie -
Pig.
BUFFY: I like this girl.
SPIKE: You would.
>EXT. WOODS/CLEARING - NIGHT
Damon races off into the woods.
WILLOW: ...doing the pee-pee dance along the way.
BUFFY/XANDER: (laugh)
SPIKE: Dare I ask?
WILLOW: Oh, curiosity now? Maybe we don't want to share anymore.
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Whatever.
>INT. CAR
Natalie has turned on the radio. She pulls down the sun visor and
checks her hair.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Yep, still ratty with twigs in it. Perfect!
XANDER: Is she stupid? The car barely started in the first place, now she's got the radio on, draining the battery? What an idiot.
WILLOW: This is true.
>EXT. WOODS
Damon unzips his pants and begins
SPIKE: ...to-
BUFFY: Oh, no you don't. See this is one of those times that you don't need to go there.
SPIKE: But it's fun. Livens up this boring script, and puts a little life in you all.
XANDER: (considers) That's true.
WILLOW: But it's not always necessary to get icky with it, just to liven things up.
BUFFY: (trying to keep from laughing) Gettin' Icky With It... the new hit by Will Smith.
WILLOW: Hey, no mocking me. Just the movies.
>urinating.
ALL: Ew.
SPIKE: See. That's what the movie gave us. I tried to give us something more.
WILLOW: Well, Spike, if you want to read about men masturbating... don't let us stop you. (watches him innocently) Go, ahead.
SPIKE: (growls at her) You bloody well know that's not what I meant.
XANDER: I think it's time for another break.
BUFFY: I agree.
Chapter 3