Urban Legends Are Parodies Too (btvs-mst3k fic)
Title: Urban Legends Are Parodies Too an MST of Urban Legend (5/6)
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Rating: R
Summary: An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room that's grown into a house, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first two parodies: I Know What They Parodied Last Summer, and, I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer. That should clear some things up.
Disclaimer: The movie they're riffing on--Urban Legend--and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel (in case I mention stuff from there), and Mystery Science Theater 3000, don't belong to me and I make no money off of them.
A/N: This takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in the picture, so is Riley. And that's about it I think.
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They all stood as one, stretching and bending to relieve the stiffness in their sore, and tired muscles. Buffy sighed and headed into the kitchen for some yogurt. White chocolate and raspberry would do just fine, thank you. She sat on one of the stools at the butcher block island and slowly enjoyed her yogurt and a bottle of water.
Willow joined her a few minutes later, carrying a plain red book with no title. She set the book on the counter, grabbed a coke, and sat across from Buffy with a smile. "Hi."
Buffy grinned at the unabashed smile on Willow's face and swallowed another spoonful of yogurt. "Right back at ya. Join me in a carton of creamy goodness?"
"No, thanks. Me and my coke are good." She nooded to the book as she opened the can of soda. "I asked for that the first night here. It's sort of a journal."
Finishing her yogurt with a few final licks to her spoon, she tossed the empty cup into the trash and set the spoon in the sink. "Any interesting little tidbits I should know about?"
Willow nodded and shrugged. "Um, yes? I mean... okay, when we first got here, we were all about finding a way out of here. But now..."
"Now?" Buffy inquired.
"Not so much," Willow answered. "In fact, I'd say hardly at all. And we've kinda lost all interest in figuring out where here is... and who has us here... and, well, anything. We're sort of--"
"Not doing much of anything except reading movie scripts," Buffy finished with a nod. "True, but, I can't seem to care too much. I mean, sometimes I think, 'We need to get out of here' and then I just... stop caring, and think, 'Does it really matter? We're here, so, let's just enjoy it'.
"Me too," Willow agreed. "Like right now." She shrugged, picked up her book, and nodded toward the front room. "Let's go finish that thing."
Buffy sighed and followed her friend into the front room and sat in her usual seat. They all did. No one seemed to want to change the seating arrangements anytime soon. Oh, well.
********
>This stops Brenda.
XANDER: What stops Brenda? There's something out there that stops Brenda? Wow... I want whatever it is.
>She turns to Natalie.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Who are you again?
>Natalie -
We went to high school together.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Me and you? Really?
>Brenda closes her locker.
Natalie -
We haven't spoken in two years.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh, no wonder I don't remember you. Ooo... shiny locker.
>Brenda walks over to Natalie and sits next to her.
Brenda -
Why?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Why are you sitting next to me? I don't know.
>FLASH!
ALL: Ahh!
SPIKE: Stop that, damn it.
>Natalie is having a flashback.
SPIKE: Well, thank you for the explanation, now, stop doing it.
XANDER: I want to do that too. Have flashbacks heralded by FLASHES.
BUFFY: (to Xander) If you do, I'll have to take you out.
XANDER: (shocked) You'd kill me?
BUFFY: (laughs) No, take you out with me to patrol. You'd scare the vamps and demons... or at least startle them for a minute.
>We are in her car. Michelle is driving.
WILLOW: Oh... she shouldn't do that. Not without a head. She could hurt someone.
SPIKE: (to Willow) This is a flashback... I think she still has her head.
WILLOW: Oh... well, she shouldn't just spontaneously re-grow her head either. It's creepy.
SPIKE: You do understand the nature of a flashback don't you?
WILLOW: Shh. I'm being witty, and there's not much here to do the wit with.
SPIKE: (shakes his head) You're a strange one.
WILLOW: (grins) Thank you.
>Natalie -
We were in my car one night. Michelle was driving.
BUFFY: I think they're in a car. And Michelle is driving.
XANDER: (scoffs) I don't know...
BUFFY: (points) But it says so... twice.
>FLASH!
SPIKE: I said stop that!
>Back to the present.
Natalie - (cont'd)
The story about the gang high beam initiation was going around.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...telling people that it was rich, and a football star, just to sleep with women.
WILLOW: Bad story! Bad, bad story!
>FLASH!
SPIKE: (growls) Bloody hell, you listen here, you stupid--
WILLOW: (to Spike) Just a script. Not real. They actually can't hear you right now.
SPIKE: (takes a deep breath, then glares at Willow)
WILLOW: (sighs)
>We are back in Natalie's car.
XANDER: (as talk show host) And we're back in Natalie's car. Let's watch as they do something stupid, and something bad happens.
>Natalie and Michelle are talking.
Natalie - (cont'd)
Michelle wanted to play a practical joke.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) She wanted to put shaving cream in someone's hand while they were driving, and-- it was just a really stupid idea. So, I came up with the idea to call a pizza place and order a bunch of pizzas sent to--
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ooo, shiny. Look, Natalie. Shiny window.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I hate you, Brenda.
>FLASH!
SPIKE: (snarls) Was there a name attached to this script?
XANDER: (looks at the title page) Nope.
SPIKE: I need to kill someone for this crap... (turns to the others) so, who's it gonna be?
BUFFY: (chuckles) Right, Mr. Unable-to-hurt-any-living-thing.
WILLOW: Don't look at me.
XANDER: (rolls his eyes) I wonder if you'd actually kill us if you could.
SPIKE: (vamps out) I would.
OTHERS: Uh-huh.
>Back to Brenda and Natalie.
BUFFY: Yes, let us get back to Brenda and Natalie. We feel Brenda-and-Natalie deprived.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
So she turned off the head lights and waited for the first car to pass by and flash us.
WILLOW: So, what, they just drove down the road, waiting and hoping that someone would flash them?
SPIKE: Their headlights, Witch... she means their headlights.
WILLOW: (grins) I know.
>FLASH!
SPIKE: (snarls)
WILLOW: Oh, look! Someone just flashed us!
>A car drives down the road. It flashes Michelle and Natalie. In the car, Michelle goes ecstatic.
BUFFY: (as Michelle, ecstatic) Oh, my god! Somebody finally flashed us... I can't believe it. I finally got to see naked butt!
SPIKE: Headlights, people... they're talking about headlights.
BUFFY: (grins) I know.
SPIKE: Wait a minute, I'm the one who's supposed to be making naked comments.
WILLOW: You were slacking.
BUFFY: We're just taking up the slack.
Natalie - (cont'd)
When somebody finally did, she made a U-turn and started chasing him.
XANDER: (as Michelle) Arf! Come back here, you car, you.
>Natalie's car makes a U-turn on the road and follows the other car, flashing the high beams.
Natalie - (cont'd)
Flashing her high beams, laughing.
BUFFY: I think the high beams got flashed. What do you think?
OTHERS: Nah!
>The man in the other car tries to look through his rear view mirror, but the lights blind him.
XANDER: Shouldn't he be watching the road in front of him, rather than behind him? I find driving to be easier that way.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
I was laughing too, at first...
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Hahaha, it's funny that he can't see and is scared to death. Funny.
>FLASH!
SPIKE: (snarls)
>Back to Brenda and Natalie.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Shiny--
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Shut up, Brenda.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
But then we started going really fast.
FLASH!
SPIKE: Okay! We get the idea!
>Natalie's car speeds down the road, flashing its lights.
FLASH!
Natalie continues her story, pained.
SPIKE: Not as pained as me with these damn flashes.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
I wanted to tell her to stop...
XANDER: (as Natalie) ...but I'm a wimp, and she was mean.
>FLASH!
Natalie sits in her car, not saying anything.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I'm not saying anything.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
But I just sat there.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...not saying anything.
XANDER: (as Natalie) 'Cause of the whole wimp factor and all.
>The man in the other car continues to look in the rear view mirror, blinded. He is obviously frightened.
XANDER: I'm telling you, dude, looking forward is the better thing to do. Less crashing that way.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
Then the other car lost control and veered off the road.
XANDER: Told ya.
>In Natalie's car, Natalie and Michelle sit stoned face,
WILLOW: Oh, isn't that cute? They've got 'stoned face'. It's kinda like Bitter Beer Face... only not.
>not wanting to believe what they just saw.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) What did I just see?
WILLOW: (as Michelle) I don't know, but I don't want to believe it.
>FLASH!
SPIKE: That's it. Tell me when the flashing's over. I'm getting some blood. (gets up and leaves the room)
OTHERS: (watch him go)
>Natalie is almost to tears,
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wait, wait, I can do it, I know I can. Just give me a second. If all else fails, I'll poke myself in the eye.
>remembering that night.
Natalie - (cont'd)
He- he- He was our age.
WILLOW: O-- o-- okay.
>FLASH!
Police are everywhere. We see the man laying on the ground, his head cracked open.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I didn't want to get out of the car and hit him over the head with a rock twenty times... but Michelle said to do it, and... well, that whole wimpy thing came into play again.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
By the time the police got there, he was dead.
WILLOW: He's dead, Jim!
>We pan over to Michelle and Natalie. Michelle is talking with a police officer, while Natalie stands there, stone faced. Her hands are pressed to the sides of her head.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Must... keep... brains... in.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
The courts were lenient with us. We only got probation.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I mean... seriously, we only killed a guy. No biggie.
>FLASH!
A few tears stream down Natalie's face.
XANDER: (as Natalie) See? Told you I could do it.
WILLOW: (yelling) All done, Spike. You can come back now.
SPIKE: No.
BUFFY: Yes. If we have to, then you have to.
SPIKE: (grumbles, but sits down)
>Natalie - (cont'd)
I was never able to forgive her for what she did. I guess I wasn't able to forgive myself for not doing more to stop it.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...'cause, you know, I could've done something, but I chose to do nothing, so...
BUFFY: (as Brenda) No. You couldn't have done anything... I mean, what were you supposed to do? Say, 'No, Michelle, we can't do this'? That is asking too much from one person. It's not your fault.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Really?
BUFFY: (as Brenda) No. Bye. I've got some Paul ogling to do, and some shiny things to stare at.
>Brenda -
Oh my God. How awful...for everyone.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...especially for me.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) But you weren't even there.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) What's your point?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Um, nothing.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) That's a good wimp.
>Natalie nods.
Natalie -
Yeah.
INT. CORRIDOR - LATER
Natalie and Brenda walk down the corridor, heading outside.
Natalie -
I don't know. Maybe I should go home for a few weeks.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Yep. Running away is just what you should do.
>Brenda -
Natalie, come on. You need to relax, have some fun, and come to the party, okay? Please?
Natalie -
Okay. Promise you won't leave me alone?
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ugh, can you say 'needy'? Nevermind. Go home, have fun.
>Brenda -
I promise. Unless, of course, I hook up with some
XANDER: (as Brenda) ...foreign exchange student with shiny things. Then you're on your own.
>cute, blue eyed journalist. Then you might have to fend for yourself.
They both giggle.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Tee hee.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Tee hee.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) We're so cute.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Totally cute.
>INT. PAUL'S OFFICE - LATER - NIGHT
Paul goes through his desk, packing.
XANDER: (as Paul) Let's see... one pencil, one pen, a piece of paper, and a strip of tape. All packed.
>He throws some folders into a box. The janitor appears, unnoticed by Paul. He opens his drawer, and pulls out a
BUFFY: Ack! No! Don't do it, Mr. Janitor! Please, I beg of you.
SPIKE: That's Paul opening his drawers, and pulling things out.
BUFFY: Oh. Um, don't do it, Paul! Please, I beg of you. Keep any and all things from your drawers in your drawers.
SPIKE: That's his dresser drawers he's pulling things from.
BUFFY: Oh. Paul... keep that... um, stuff... away, and... stuff.
OTHERS: O_O
BUFFY: (shrugs) Wind. Sails. Out.
>folder. Underneath is a newspaper.
XANDER: (as Paul, angry) All right! Who put this newspaper here? A newsroom is no place for a newspaper!
>It has a picture of a young William Wexler, with a headline that reads
XANDER: "William Wexler, Carpet Cleaner to the Stars!"
>"Sole survivor William Wexler." Paul is intrigued and takes it out. He unfolds it and reads the top headline. "Massacre at Stanley Hall." Over to the side is a picture of Stanley Hall.
XANDER: "William Wexler cleaned all the bloody carpets left behind by the massacre at Stanley Hall..."
WILLOW: (pats Xander's arm) Okay. That'll do, pig, that'll do.
The janitor starts to leave. Paul looks up and sees him leave. Paul silently thanks him. He knows what he has to do.
SPIKE: (as Paul) I must kill everyone.
>INT. PARKING GARAGE - LATER
Dean Adams walks to his car.
WILLOW: Why doesn't he take one of those little golf carts to his car?
OTHERS: O_O
WILLOW: Well, he could, you know.
>Most of the place is dark, and Dean Adams's car is one of the few left. Dean Adams presses a button on his automatic door lock.
XANDER: ...and his car blows up.
>His car beeps,
XANDER: ...then blows up.
>unlocking. Dean Adams is about to open his car.
XANDER: ...but it blows up.
>He stops,
XANDER: ...as it blows up.
>and looks into his backseat.
XANDER: ...just as it blows up.
>DEAN ADAMS'S POV
His back seat is empty.
XANDER: ...but the car blows up.
OTHERS: O_O
SPIKE: Get over it. It's obviously not gonna happen.
XANDER: One has to have dreams.
>NORMAL VIEW
Dean Adams shakes his head, and goes to open his car door again.
Suddenly,
XANDER: ...it blows up.
>a hand grabs his shoulder! He spins around to see...
XANDER: ...a car blow up.
BUFFY: (laughs) Xander!
WILLOW: (laughing) Stop it!
>REESE!
He gasps, frightened.
SPIKE: (as Adams) Good Lord, Reese, you're frightening to behold. Leave my sight!
>Dean Adams -
Don't do that.
WILLOW: (as Adams) ...only clowns can do that. Otherwise it's icky.
>Reese -
Sorry, Dean. A little jumpy?
BUFFY: (as Adams) No, I'm a little hoppy... there's a difference, and you'd do well to remember that.
>Dean Adams - (lying)
No, not at all.
He thinks of some excuse to explain his behavior.
Dean Adams - (cont'd)
Just...thinking.
BUFFY: He's thinking, therefore he yells 'Don't do that' at Reese? Makes sense to me. His buff reputation is totally secure.
>Reese nods.
WILLOW: ...thinking to herself, 'yeah, right, you blustery old fool'.
>Reese -
Me too. It wouldn't be a bad idea to add on a few extra guards this weekend. Just in case.
Dean Adams -
In case what?
XANDER: (as Reese) Well, duh. In case the fish start walking and go on a rampage. Duh.
WILLOW: Duh.
BUFFY: Duh.
SPIKE: Riii-iiiight.
WILLOW: And Dr. Evil makes another appearance.
>Reese -
After the suicide and what happened to that Mancini girl-- Now I'm having trouble locating a boy named Damon Brooks. He's been missing for some days now.
BUFFY: (to Reese) Oh, I can help you out with that one. He's dead.
>Dean Adams -
Missing? He's not missing. It's the weekend. He's probably shacked up in some motel with a girl. Or a guy, farm animal, whatever.
XANDER: Dude. Yuck.
SPIKE: Agreed.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (exchange grossed-out looks)
>Reese gives him a look.
WILLOW: We're with ya on that one, Reese.
BUFFY: Absolutely.
>Dean Adams -
Weren't you ever eighteen?
BUFFY: If that's what he did when he was eighteen... I'm thinking the generation gap is wider than we thought. And thank god.
>Reese -
Not that kind of eighteen.
Dean Adams -
My point is, I don't want you overreacting. Don't contact any one
without my permission.
SPIKE: (as Adams) Because I'm God, you know.
>Reese nods.
Dean Adams - (cont'd)
No parents, no police. Is that understood?
WILLOW: (as Adams) I don't care if people are getting killed left and right. Call me first.
>Reese nods.
Reese -
Understood. Good night, sir.
XANDER: And what she really meant to say was...?
BUFFY: Take off, you hosier.
>Dean Adams smiles and turns back to his car. Reese mouths the words "ass hole" and turns and walks away.
XANDER: Oh, and you were wrong, Buffy. Willow, show her what she could've won!
WILLOW: (blinks at him)
XANDER: Or not.
>Dean Adams looks at the back seat again, but shakes his head. Nobody could've snuck into his car. Suddenly, there's a clinking noise in the background. Dean Adams spins around, horrified. He looks around, but it's too dark. He can't see anything.
BUFFY: He should try opening his eyes. That always helps me.
>Suddenly, a knife appears from under his car and slices his ankles!
WILLOW: Attack of the Killer Knives! Run!
>Dean Adams screams and drops to the ground.
WILLOW: I said to run, not drop to the ground, dummy.
>He looks at his ankles and sees blood pouring out from them. He gasps and starts to crawl away from the car.
SPIKE: (snorts) Yeah, you'll get far that way.
>The killer crawls out from under the car and stands up. Dean Adams crawls past the front of his car. The killer
SPIKE: ...strolls away, strolls back, takes a few laps around the parking garage, and then takes a nap.
WILLOW: (as Adams) I've almost made it ten feet now.
>walks over to his car and opens the door. He reaches inside and flicks a button.
FLASH!
SPIKE: Oh, no, you don't. Not that again!
>The lights come on. Dean Adams stops crawling and looks behind him. The killer pulls a lever marked with a "P."
BUFFY: This death has been brought to you by the letter, 'P'.
>The car starts to roll forward. The killer walks along side it.
WILLOW: (as killer) Like my pet car? I call her Fluffy.
>Dean Adams continues to crawl, panting.
XANDER: (as Adams) Arf, arf!
>The car gets closer, closer. The killer's footsteps echo throughout the garage.
ALL: (yawn)
SPIKE: And to answer the question as to whether or not a death can be drawn out too long... yes!
>Dean Adams stops when he comes to the tire spikes in the pavement.
BUFFY: (as Adams) Ah, this is the perfect spot for a picnic, because I can think of no other reason as to why I'm stopping here.
>He turns around and screams. The car is on top of him.
XANDER: (as killer) Bad, Fluffy! Bad! Stop humping Dean Adams... down, Fluffy!
>It pushes him down, right onto the tire spikes. The car's tires blow out as they roll past. The car smashes the small beam in half. The car rolls past Dean Adams's bloody body.
WILLOW: Dean Adams's bloody body? Sure it's not Dean Adams's's's's?
SPIKE: (to Willow) You'd prefer...?
WILLOW: Dean Adams'. Nice and simple.
BUFFY: But either way is correct.
WILLOW: I don't care. I like my way.
>The killer turns and starts to walk away.
XANDER: ...calling for Fluffy over his shoulder. (as killer) Here, Fluffy! Here, girl! Come to daddy.
>The camera focuses on Dean Adam's hand. It moves slightly, then stays still.
BUFFY: ...then moves slightly, then stays still. Then moves slightly, then stays still.
WILLOW: (as Adams) Tee hee, I'm such a prankster.
>The camera pans up to a sign that says: "Severe Tire Damage."
ALL: O_O
>EXT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - LATER - ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT
A very large frat house. Four, five stories high with about maybe over fifty rooms.
WILLOW: ...its turn-ons are loud, noisy groups of college kids, and beer. Turn-offs include books, quiet time, and cleanliness.
>People head toward the house.
XANDER: ...but then they realize the party is actually two houses over, and head that way.
>People - (chanting; o.s.)
Hootie! Hootie! Hootie! Hootie!
BUFFY: (as chanter) We want Hootie and the Blowfish! Now! Or we'll riot.
>INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE
The chanting continues while music blares from a speaker. People are dressed in a wide variety of costumes. Most of them are dressed like
BUFFY: ...Brenda, and are walking around saying, 'Shiny!'.
>dead people. The camera pans over to Parker, holding his dog HOOTIE in his hands. A funnel is in his mouth, and a man is pouring beer into it.
WILLOW: Poor, Hootie!
OTHERS: (try not to laugh)
>Parker -
There you go! There you go! That's my boy! That's my boy!
Hootie has downed the entire can of beer. The crowd bursts into
applause and cheering. Parker kisses Hootie.
WILLOW: Poor, Hootie!
BUFFY: It's just beer. It won't hurt him.
WILLOW: No, I mean because of the kissing. Poor doggie.
>CUT TO:
The D.J. at the control board. He starts to play the song "Roller
Coaster."
SPIKE: ...but then realizes that the song's popularity went out in the 70's, so, he puts on a more modern song.
>Sasha stands by the speaker, clearly not having fun.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) I am so not having fun. I'm above this childish partying thing... I am sophisticated. I am my own woman. I-- ooo, candy!
>A NERDY GUY walks over to her.
XANDER: (as nerdy guy) Hi. Wanna go see Star Wars, Episode One, Phantom Menace with me? And then... when, um, part two comes out... we can go see that too. We can camp out for months in advance for tickets, and... it'll be fun, so, do ya wanna?
>Nerdy Guy -
Listen. Listen.
XANDER: (as nerdy guy) ...music comes out of the speakers. Isn't that cool?
>A scream comes from the speaker, all apart of the song.
WILLOW: Apart of the song? That would be 'a part of the song' or 'apart from the song' or even 'part of the song'.
SPIKE: (to Willow) And that would be anal. Or possibly anal. Or it could even be anal.
>Nerdy Guy -
That scream? That's an actual cry for help by a girl being murdered.
BUFFY: O_O
WILLOW: O_O
XANDER: O_O
SPIKE: Cool.
>Sasha doesn't care, but she goes along with it.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Leave me alone with my candy. Go away. Shoo!
>Sasha -
You're kidding me.
Nerdy Guy - (chuckles)
No. That's why it sounds so real because it was lifted off a 9-1-1 tape.
XANDER: Okay, that's really kinda sick.
BUFFY: Kinda?
>Sasha -
That's great.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) ...that someone was enterprising enough to take a dying girl's screams and turn them into entertainment. Neat.
>Nerdy Guy -
Yeah. Woah.
Sasha walks away.
XANDER: (as nerdy guy) Not whoa?
>CUT TO:
Natalie, just entering the house. She looks around, clearly
uncomfortable by all the people.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) People scare me.
>Brenda comes running up.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ahh!
>Brenda -
Hey, Miss Thing!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ahh!
>Natalie -
Hey.
SPIKE: I feel the love in that room.
>They hug.
SPIKE: Get a room!
>Brenda -
You made it!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't 'make it' too. I thought we both... 'made it' together.
WILLOW: Buffy... you're on the edge of oogie-ness.
BUFFY: (laughs) And it's fun.
>Hootie runs past them, the funnel clutched in his mouth.
XANDER: (as Hootie) My kitchen utensil!
>Natalie -
And already I'm starting to regret it.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) And already I'm going to start whining.
>Brenda -
I'm going to go get something to drink. Want anything?
Natalie -
A beer.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...without Hootie drool, please.
>Brenda -
Okay. Be right back!
She moves into the crowd.
Paul - (o.s.)
Stanley
XANDER: Look, it's Paul Stanley.
SPIKE: (snickers)
>Hall's not a legend.
XANDER: (as Paul) Oates is... but not Hall.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Well, duh. I've seen the building with my own two eyes. I knew it wasn't a legend.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Um, I meant the rumors about the massacre.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Tch. Shoulda said that then.
>Natalie spins around to see Paul.
BUFFY: ...but gets dizzy and falls on her butt.
>Paul - (cont'd)
And there's one survivor that night.
He holds up the newspaper.
XANDER: (as Paul) Look, I finally learned how to read.
WILLOW: He needs Hooked On Phonics. Worked great for Ray.
BUFFY: Yep. And isn't it appalling how many movie heroes can't read?
>INT. SECOND STORY - LATER
SPIKE: So, there are two stories happening at once?
WILLOW: (to Spike) That was bad.
SPIKE: So is this script.
>Paul and Natalie sit by the railing of the stairs, talking.
Paul -
It makes perfect sense.
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...all the words just look right now. And I can put them together and make what's called a, 'sentence'. Do you know of, 'sentences', Natalie?
>Pendleton covered up Stanley Hall.
XANDER: (as Paul) ...with a giant tarp, but it blew away...
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...and?
XANDER: (as Paul) and... um... oh! The end! See, that's a 'sentence', Natalie. Now, it's your turn.
>And Wexler, so long as he keeps his mouth shut, gets a job for life.
WILLOW: Then it's really a good thing he became a teacher. Can you imagine what would've happened it he'd become a clothing designer?
>Natalie -
Why would he do it?
BUFFY: (as Paul) Job security?
>Paul -
It eats at him. And every year around this time, he goes a little
wacko. This year...off the charts.
Natalie -
Then we have to call the police before it happens again.
Paul -
I already tried. Dean Adams beat me to it. They said he warned 'em to expect prank calls tonight. Even gave 'em our names.
BUFFY: Oh, I so don't think so. What was Dean Adams thinking? What were the police thinking? So, if something happens, and someone from the college callls for help, no one will come out? Whatever.
WILLOW: And for that matter, why is there only one security guard at a college? It's a big place... crime happens... with all that drinking and the parties... not to mention that they have this big old security building where Reese was practicing her pretend shooting. So, where are they all at?
SPIKE: Where's all the security at your college? I broke into the administration building, looked up your room, and got into your dorm all without someone even trying to stop me.
XANDER: They don't need security... they have the Initiative.
BUFFY: (smiles) Yeah.
WILLOW: (frowns) Yeah.
SPIKE: (snarls) Yeah.
>For a few seconds, they say nothing. Natalie is on the verge of losing it.
WILLOW: It?
BUFFY: It.
XANDER: It?
SPIKE: It.
>Paul -
Look.
BUFFY: (as Paul) ...birdies.
>What he is about to say is obviously hard.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Penis.
OTHERS: (burst out laughing)
WILLOW: (through her laughter) Guys, don't encourage him.
SPIKE: (chuckles) Yeah, god forbid.
>Paul -
I'm sorry I doubted you before.
XANDER: (as Paul) I should've waited until now. Now's when I doubt you.
>Natalie loses it.
WILLOW: What exactly is this 'it' she keeps losing, or almost losing?
>She begins to cry.
BUFFY: I don't know, but it makes her sad, I think.
>Paul -
What?
BUFFY: Her it. Or the loss of said it.
>Natalie -
What is he trying to do to me?
WILLOW: Who? Paul? I'm confused.
>Paul doesn't know what to say. He's dumbfounded.
WILLOW: Glad I'm not the only one.
>Natalie continues to cry.
Natalie -
I'm so scared.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Never mind that lots of people have been killed, you know during the Stanley Hall massacre, and then again, now, like Michelle, Damon, Tosh, and Dean Adams... it's definitely all about Natalie. Geez, she's got, like, ten tons of nerves.
>Paul takes Natalie's head in his hands.
XANDER: (as Paul) Contrary to your own beliefs, Natalie, this isn't all about you. Other people do exist outside your little world.
>Paul -
Hey, listen to me. Nothing is going to happen to you, okay? I promise.
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...unless I get sick of you and off you myself.
>He leans toward her, and they kiss. A long, passionate kiss. Too long. Brenda comes walking down the hall, two glasses of beer in her hands.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Hi, Paul! I got you some beer. Maybe, if you get me drunk, I'll sleep with you. Oh who am I kidding? There's no maybe about it. Come and get me once you're done with Natalie!
>She sees them kissing, and turns angry.
XANDER: ...and then turns into the Incredible Hulk.
>Brenda -
You don't waste anytime, do you, Natalie?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, sorry, Brenda meet Paul. Paul, this is Brenda. She likes shiny things. Do you have some keys? Just hold them up for her to see, and shake them, she'll be occupied for hours, then we can get back to nookie-ing.
SPIKE: Nookie-ing?
WILLOW: (grins, and nods) Nookie-ing.
SPIKE: Right.
>The kiss is broken. Natalie looks up at Brenda, who is pissed.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) I am pissed.
SPIKE: Off one beer?
BUFFY: The other kind of pissed.
>Natalie -
Brenda--
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...look. Shiny!
>Brenda -
Here. It's light.
XANDER: Eh?
WILLOW: What is?
BUFFY: Ya got me.
SPIKE: The beer.
BUFFY: The beer is light? Huh.
SPIKE: (sighs) Lite. Lite beer.
BUFFY: (to Spike) You're too easy to mess with.
>She shoves Natalie's beer into her hand then storms off. Paul has no idea what's going on.
BUFFY: (as Paul) I have no idea what's going on.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Do you ever, Paul?
BUFFY: (as Paul) No.
>Natalie -
Oh, shit.
XANDER: (as Paul) Ew. Where? I don't wanna step in it. Damn that Hootie!
>Paul -
What was all that about?
Natalie -
I screwed up.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...my face, and stuck my tongue out at her. She wasn't amused.
>She stands up and leaves.
EXT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - PORCH - NIGHT
Brenda comes out of the house and walks over to the steps. She sits down and begins to cry.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Wah! I'm upset. Wah! Ooo, shiny.
>INT. COLLEGE BUILDING - LATER
Reese walks down the flight of steps, flashlight in hand. She starts down the hallway when she bumps into...
XANDER: ...Elvis!
SPIKE: (as Elvis) Thank you very much.
>THE JANITOR!
She gasps.
Reese -
Jesus! You trying to give me a heart attack here!
Janitor - (deadpan)
Boo.
WILLOW: Hey, the janitor's doing our job for us.
XANDER: I hate when they do that.
>Reese -
The building's off-limits after 10:00.
The janitor starts to descend the stairs.
BUFFY: (as janitor) Fine, I'll leave the stinky backed-up toilets for you to get. And you can empty the over-flowing trashcans. And hows about you also mop this floor... I never seem to be able to finish it. It's almost like it's the only thing I do...
>Reese -
A good night to you too.
Suddenly, she hears glass breaking. Reese immediately tenses up. She reaches into her holster and pulls out her
SPIKE: ...banana.
OTHERS: O_O
WILLOW: Looks like the randomness has finally struck Spike.
>gun. She slowly makes her way down the hall. She stops at the corner, pointing her
SPIKE: ...banana around the corner, pretending to shoot.
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew-pew! Pew!
>flashlight and her gun. She walks down the hall, slowly and carefully. The door to Wexler's office is open. She points her
SPIKE: ...banana inside and shoots some more.
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew-pew-pew!
>gun and flashlight into the opening.
Reese -
Hello?
XANDER: No one answers, so, she shoots them. (As Reese) Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew!
>Reese makes her way into the room.
INT. WEXLER'S OFFICE
Reese looks around. The whole office has been trashed. Papers are
strewn everywhere, books are thrown about, his masks are knocked down. Reese walks over to the closet. She goes inside.
WILLOW: ...and refuses to come back out again.
BUFFY: (as Reese) My closet now!
>Reese checks every corner of the closet. The flashlight's beam comes to rest upon the shelf where the axe
SPIKE: ...suddenly slips and falls, conking her on the head.
>had been resting. The axe is gone!
WILLOW: Run, little axe! Run! You're free now... go, be free.
>Reese begins to back out. Suddenly, she slips and falls to the
XANDER: ...ceiling. Wackiness ensues.
>ground. We see that she has slipped
SPIKE: ...on her banana peel.
WILLOW: (as Reese) Oops, I knew I shouldn't have peeled my gun.
>in a large puddle of blood!
BUFFY: That is seriously not fun. I've ruined many an outfit that way.
SPIKE: Tell me about it.
WILLOW/XANDER: O_O
>Reese -
Ow. Oh.
She looks at all the blood.
XANDER: ...finding animals and shapes in it.
>Reese -
What?
WILLOW: I didn't say anything, did you Buffy?
BUFFY: Nope. Xander?
XANDER: Unh-uh. Spike?
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Yes. But I said it at a frequency that only fictional characters in lame-ass movies can hear.
WILLOW: Well, excuuuu-uuuuuuse us.
>CUT TO:
INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - LATER
Paul runs over to Parker, who is over by the D.J.
XANDER: ...who is near the table, which is by the door...
WILLOW: ...which is close to the bedroom, and far from the kitchen...
BUFFY: ...which has stuff in drawers, and is painted red...
SPIKE: ...which is the color of your blood, and smelling tasty at the moment.
>Paul -
Hey, Parker, let me talk to you for a second.
XANDER: (as Parker) No.
>They move away from the D.J. and the radio control board.
Paul -
Look, you might want to end this party a little early.
Parker -
What?
BUFFY: (as Paul) I feel tired. And I don't want to miss anything. So, just end it, and I won't miss anything.
SPIKE: (as Parker) Been taking selfish lessons from Natalie?
BUFFY: (as Paul) Uh-huh! How am I doing so far?
SPIKE: (as Parker) I think you've graduated.
>Paul -
Natalie was right all along.
WILLOW: (as Paul) ...Oreos do taste better than macaroni and cheese!
>Parker -
Say no more. Everybody, listen up!
BUFFY: (as Parker) ...Paul here says Natalie was right all along about the Oreo thing. Let's kill him! You don't mess with a man and his macaroni.
XANDER: That's right!
>Paul tries to stop Parker, but he shrugs him off.
Parker -
No, no, no. Listen! Turn the music down.
The D.J. turns the volume down.
Parker -
Paul here, he thinks we should end the party early.
The crowd
XANDER: ...agrees. (as party goer) This party sucks! Kill it now, put it out of its misery.
WILLOW: (as other party goer) Yeah! This place stinks! Literally. It smells like Hootie-doo!
>does not agree, and they mumble their protest. Sasha watches, wondering what Parker is doing.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) What is Parker doing now? He's such an idiot... if it weren't for the sex, I'd be gone.
>Parker - (to crowd)
No, no, no, no. (to Paul) Tell everybody why. Why they should go home.
XANDER: (as Paul) Because you're all ugly. Parker said so.
>Paul -
There's a killer on campus.
XANDER: (as Paul) Oh yeah, and that too.
>Everybody laughs.
Parker -
And let me guess. This killer's offing people based on urban legends.
Paul -
Yeah, that's right.
SPIKE: I completely understand their unwillingness to believe... I mean, seriously, how many people are murdered in a given year? Two? Three?
BUFFY: Really. You'd think they lived in a utopia.
>Parker -
Well, I have a legend you may or may not of heard of, Paul. You see, this
WILLOW: (as Parker) ...shirt I'm wearing is really an alien, and soon it's going to take complete control of me and force me in to killing each and every one of you. How's that one?
SPIKE: Random.
WILLOW: Cool.
>mediocre Woodward and Bernstein wanna be realizes: "Shit!
BUFFY: (as Parker) ...that's it. There is no more story... just, 'Shit!'. The end.
XANDER: (to Buffy, chiding) Such language.
>I'm gonna graduate in a couple of weeks and write gardening tips for Martha Stewart's living!"
XANDER: She's a demon. Anya told me.
WILLOW: I knew it! Now, I can hate her without feeling guilty. She's creepy.
>The crowd laughs.
Parker -
Unless-- Hang on. Unless I get a really hot story. You know, something that really flies.
XANDER: (as Parker) ...like a bird. Birds fly. Or a bat, they fly too. Maybe an airplane... my point is... they all fly.
WILLOW: (as partier) Huh?
XANDER: (as Parker) Exactly!
>I got it. I got it.
XANDER: (as Parker) ...I got a thought!
>I'll take advantage of my homicidal instincts and start killing people in a trendy, attention getting, cover story kinda way. Basing them on...urban legends.
BUFFY: Um, yeah. That's what's happening. (to the others) Parker's a doofus.
>Paul looks almost guilty, then:
WILLOW: ...remembers that Martha Stewart is a demon, and drops the guilt.
>Paul -
Why don't you have another drink.
XANDER: Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for Paul, who's doing his part to keep the youth of America intoxicated.
>Parker grabs Paul's arm.
WILLOW: (as Parker) My arm! Give it back!
>Parker -
Paul, maybe your the one that should leave and let everybody else have a good time! Right! Whoo!
SPIKE: (as Parker) Leave us alone and let us get killed already. (as himself) A nice fire would take care of most of these punks.
WILLOW: But that would be bad.
SPIKE: (shrugs) Like I'm a boy scout? Hello.
>The crowd erupts in cheers and Parker runs over to a guy,
XANDER: ...for a meaningless sexual encounter before remembering his girlfriend. (as Parker) Oops. Sorry, Honey.
>who pours a small bottle of beer into his mouth.
Paul walks over to Natalie, who witnessed the whole thing.
BUFFY: (as Paul) Oh, you saw me get humiliated, did you?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Yep. (points and laughs)
>Paul -
You stay here. I'm gonna go get some help.
Natalie -
Okay.
CUT TO:
Parker and Sasha.
Sasha -
Parker, why do you always have to be such a jerk?
XANDER: (as Parker) 'cause it's fun.
>Parker -
I was just messing around.
Sasha -
Look, I'm gonna go to the radio station, okay?
Parker -
Hey, hey. Who's my girl? Who's my girl?
BUFFY: (as Sasha, sighing) Hootie.
>Sasha blows him a kiss.
Parker -
That's my girl!
XANDER: That is one strange man.
>EXT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
Sasha comes running out of the house, the rain soaking her.
SPIKE: (loudly) I am officially requesting pictures for the next movie. Lots of pictures of wet women, and half-naked women, and lots more women.
XANDER: I second that motion.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (roll their eyes)
>She runs over to a car and climbs inside. A FRIEND sits behind the wheel.
Sasha -
Let's go.
INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE/KITCHEN
Parker walks into the kitchen, finishing a beer. The phone rings.
Parker answers it.
Parker -
Hello?
There's no response.
Parker -
Hello?
WILLOW: That is so annoying when you answer the phone and have to say hello, like, five times before someone finally deigns to say something. I mean, hello, they called you, they should darn well speak up and--
XANDER: Issues?
WILLOW: Yes. But valid ones.
>Man's Voice -
You're gonna die tonight.
WILLOW: But not if they called to say that. Then they can stay silent.
>Parker -
Oh, really?
He flips the phone over and looks at the built in caller I.D. It says: "Damon Brooks." Parker puts the phone back to his ear.
BUFFY: Considering these two are friends, Damon most likely knew that Parker had caller I.D., not to mention that he's supposed to be at Killington, so... Parker's a complete idiot if he actually thinks it's Damon.
SPIKE: Not to mention Damon's dead.
BUFFY: In Parker's defense, he doesn't know that.
>Parker -
Let's see. The call's coming from inside the house. Could it be... an urban legend? Am I right? Hello? Don't get shy on me all of a sudden, fuck face.
WILLOW: Aww, he's got a pet name for Damon. Isn't that cute?
>INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI LIVING ROOM
Parker pushes his way through the streamers dangling from the ceiling above the door to the kitchen.
Parker -
This is the one about the baby-sitter, right? She's getting those
scary, harassing phone calls.
Parker begins to climb up the stairs.
XANDER: ...but has to stop when, after only two steps, he becomes winded.
>Parker - (cont'd)
And when she traces them back, they're coming from inside the house!
Parker is now on the second floor. A few PEOPLE walk by him.
SPIKE: No. Not PEOPLE!
>Parker - (cont'd)
But, asswipe,
WILLOW: Aww. Another pet name. So cute.
>aren't you forgetting something? I'm not baby sitting any kids.
BUFFY: ...unless you count all these people in my house, but most of them are old enough to watch out for themselves.
>Man's Voice -
Wrong legend. This is the one about the old lady who dries her wet dog in the microwave.
FLASH CUT TO:
The microwave.
CUT BACK TO:
Parker. He throws the phone down and races down the steps. He runs past the partygoers and into the...
XANDER: ...swimming pool, deciding to take a quick dip before checking on his beloved dog, Hootie.
>INT. KITCHEN
The light in the microwave goes off and it beeps. Parker stands there, not knowing what to do.
SPIKE: I'd think opening it might help.
>He doesn't want to open it, but it's just some creep messing with him, right? He grabs the door handle and throws it open to reveal...
THE SPLATTERED REMAINS OF HOOTIE!
ALL: EWWWWW!
XANDER: Not Hootie! He was my favorite character. They all die... all my favorite characters die.
SPIKE: He was my favorite too.
WILLOW: Me too.
BUFFY: Mine too.
>Parker gasps, sickened.
Parker -
Fuck! Fucking sick motherfucker! Hootie! Fuck!
XANDER: Obviously Hootie was Parker's favorite character too.
>He races out of the kitchen. He runs down a hallway.
Parker -
Wanna fuck with me!
SPIKE: ...who's he talking to?
OTHERS: (shrug)
SPIKE: He just randomly runs through the house asking people to fu--
WILLOW: (loudly) AHEM!
SPIKE: --him? That's a system, I guess.
>He races into a...
WILLOW: ...building filled with dynamite, and gets blown up. Scene!
>INT. BATHROOM
Parker runs into the small bathroom and over to the cigarette filled toilet.
ALL: Ew.
>He bends over it, wanting to vomit.
BUFFY: That's the worst feeling.
WILLOW: Most definitely.
XANDER: I've never drank to excess, so, I wouldn't know.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (glare at him)
SPIKE: I don't get sick... never did, even as a human.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (glare at him)
>Suddenly, the killer enters the bathroom and pushes Parker's head into the toilet.
ALL: EW!
>INT. BATHROOM - LATER
Parker wakes up, but can't move. His hands have been tied around
WILLOW: ...the toilet.
OTHERS: Ew!
>the toilet.
ALL: ...
>A line of blood is on his face. He struggles against his bonds when the killer suddenly appears. Parker struggles, but the killer grabs a funnel and shoves it down Parker's throat.
WILLOW: Ew, that funnel was in Hootie's mouth earlier.
SPIKE: I think that's the least of his worries at the moment.
WILLOW: Probably.
>He gags, trying to spit it out. The killer grabs a bag of Pop Rocks and tears it open.
BUFFY: Oh, boy. Here we go again with the colorful spit.
>He pours it into the funnel, and down into Parker's mouth. The killer then reaches over to the sink and grabs a bottle of Drano.
BUFFY: He must have toilet breath.
>He pours it into the funnel. Parker gags and convulses.
XANDER: (to the others) Must be a yucky flavor.
>The tunnel overflows, but the killer continues to pour.
The killer drops the bottle and takes the funnel out of Parker's mouth. He tosses it into the sink and walks out of the bathroom, leaving Parker's dead corpse tied to the toilet.
WILLOW: Bye, Parker. Nice knowin' ya.
>INT. CAMPUS SECURITY OFFICE - LATER - NIGHT
Reese is on the phone with a 9-1-1 operator.
Woman -
Are you sure it's blood?
BUFFY: (as Reese) Um, let's see. It was red. And sticky. All over the floor. Smelled kinda coppery. Yeah, pretty sure that's what it was.
>Reese -
Yes, I'm sure it's blood! I'm covered in it!
Woman -
Due to the storm, all units are presently responding to calls. A unit has been notified.
WILLOW: (as Reese) Oh... well, then, I guess I can just sit back and relax, and let the cops take care of it.
>Reese -
You know what chaps my hide?
SPIKE: Dry weather? Wind?
>The way you pledged an oath to serve and protect, and then you don't give a rat's ass when something really does happen.
SPIKE: Ohh.
XANDER: (as woman) I'm sorry, ma'am, but we real cops are a teesy bit busier than you rent-a-cops.
>Woman -
Hold please.
Reese has had enough. The police can't help. She hangs up the phone.
Reese - (whispering)
I'll do it myself.
ALL: Go, Reese!
XANDER: She's my new fave!
OTHERS: Yeah!
>INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE
Natalie sits on a couch.
WILLOW: All by herself? I'm so proud of her!
>She picks up the phone in front of her and dials a number.
WILLOW: All by herself? I'm so proud of her!
>Paul - (voice-over)
This is Paul. Leave a message.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) You suck! Tee hee.
>Natalie hangs the phone up.
WILLOW: All by herself? I'm so proud of her!
SPIKE: Okay, remember that 'no repeat' rule? Use it.
>Where could he be?
On the radio, Sasha is talking to a couple that is experiencing some sex problems.
Sasha - (from speaker)
Let me get this straight.
INT. RADIO STATION/SASHA'S RADIO ROOM
We can barely see the producer in his booth. He's reading a magazine.
Sasha - (cont'd)
You guys tried out a new sexual position and now you're stuck.
ALL: (burst out laughing)
>Woman -
I'm not stuck, he is.
ALL: (still laughing)
>Man -
Relax and stop clinching.
WILLOW: (turning red) Oh, my god.
BUFFY: (gasping) Sucks to be them.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (laugh harder)
>Sasha smiles.
Woman -
I saw this happen to dogs. It is so humiliating.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (giggling)
>In the background, the killer approaches the producer from behind.
Sasha -
All right you guys, this is what you're gonna do. Okay?
In the background, the killer wraps his hand around the producer.
WILLOW: (as killer) I love you, producer. Wanna get stuck with me?
BUFFY: Ew.
>We see that the killer holds a knife in his hand. He is prepared to stab the producer.
XANDER: (as killer) I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll cut ya, man, I'll cut ya.
>The booth goes dark. With a flash of lightning, we the killer
WILLOW: (giggles) We the killer?
BUFFY: Is that anything like We the People?
XANDER: Guess so.
>throwing the producer's body to the ground. The line clicks and Sasha can't hear the couple anymore.
Sasha -
Hello?
SPIKE: (as Sasha) Excuse me, Mr. Killer, I'm trying to to a job here, hello. Could you please kill him some other time?
>She turns toward the booth, but it's completely dark. With a puzzled look, she gets up and walks over to the window and peers inside. Lightning flashes and Sasha sees the killer inches from her face. The only thing protecting her is the glass.
Sasha screams and backs away as the killer lifts the axe and swings it through the window, sending glass flying everywhere.
XANDER: Ohh, the janitor's gonna be pissed.
>INT. FRAT HOUSE
Natalie hears Sasha screaming over the radio and turns to face the speaker.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Hey! She's trying to steal my attention! Bitch!
>INT. RADIO STATION/SASHA'S RADIO ROOM
Sasha runs over to the door while the killer breaks more of the window with his axe.
XANDER: (as killer) Don't wanna cut myself trying to kill you... hold on a sec... almost done... okay! Ready-- hey... where'd you go, Sasha? That's cheating.
>Sasha screams and opens the door. She crawls outside and slams it shut. The killer starts to go through the window.
INT. FRAT HOUSE
Sasha - (over speaker)
Help me! Somebody help me!
Natalie runs over to the radio control board and turns
BUFFY: ...down the volume. (as Natalie) No, Sasha's not in trouble. Nope, you're hearing things.
>up the volume, amplifying Sasha's cries for help.
BUFFY: ...and starts dancing.
>INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY
Sasha runs down the hallway, constantly looking behind her.
XANDER: (as Sasha) I could've swore I saw Teletubbies back there.
>INT. FRAT HOUSE
Natalie -
Something's happening!
ALL: Finally!
>The nerdy guy comes over.
Nerdy Guy -
No. She's doing a performance art piece to commemorate the massacre.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, is that what she's doing? I thought she was getting killed or something. Thanks!
>INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY
Sasha runs down the hallway. Up ahead is a corner. Suddenly,
THE KILLER COMES AROUND THE CORNER AND SWINGS HIS AXE!
XANDER: Paul Bunyan, no!
>Sasha falls to the floor and the axe hits the wall.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Missed me, neener neener!
>Sasha gets up off the floor and runs back the way she came. The killer gets the axe free of the wall and chases after her. Sasha comes to a door and throws it open. She runs inside and slams the door shut.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) And stay out!
>The killer grabs the handle and starts to shake it, trying to open the door.
XANDER: (as killer, whining) Unh! Let me in, Sasha! Please?
>Sasha has a hold of the handle, preventing the killer from opening the door. She quickly locks it. She looks out the window in the door, staring at the killer.
INT. FRAT HOUSE
Natalie sits on the couch and picks up a phone.
SPIKE: ...and calls Brenda to chat. Meanwhile Sasha's screams echo throughout the room.
WILLOW: She's sitting on a coach and picking up a phone again? Is that all she knows how to do? (to Natalie) Find a skill!
BUFFY: No, she also knows how to kill people.
WILLOW Oh yeah. I forgot about that skill.
>INT. RADIO STATION
Sasha stares at the killer only for a second, then takes off running.
INT. FRAT HOUSE
Natalie starts to dial a number.
XANDER: ...then decides not to. (as Natalie) Sasha can fend for herself. I've been carrying that girl for months... she needs to learn how to take care of herself.
>Sasha - (from speaker)
My God! Help me! Please!
Natalie gets a busy signal and throws the phone down.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Stupid phone!
>Nerdy guy listens to Sasha's screams for help.
Nerdy Guy -
She's good. I got chills.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh. That'd be because it's all really happening. But I'm not going to do anything to help her. Like... oh, say, call the cops, or anything.
>EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS
It's pouring rain. Natalie runs down the sidewalk, heading for the radio station.
SPIKE: Pictures. That's all I'm saying.
WILLOW: That's all you ever say. Every time.
>INT. RADIO STATION
The whole front hall is one big open area. Translucent, winding stairs lead to each different level. There are no doors or anything. It's all open. No place to hide...
BUFFY: Here's a thought. Leave. Get out. Go to where people are.
>Sasha runs down the hall, but stops suddenly. She leans against the wall.
CLOSE ON:
Sasha's face. She looks around, trying to see the killer. She doesn't see anybody.
XANDER: (as Sasha) Excuse me, killer! I'm waiting!
>WIDE OF:
The stairs. Sasha runs down the hall and comes to the stairs. She
starts to run down them. She runs past the first platform, then down onto the second where she bumps into
SPIKE: ...Barney Fife!
OTHERS: @_@
>THE KILLER!
The killer pushes her against the railing of pipes. They struggle, Sasha trying to punch the killer. She screams as the killer fights with her. Sasha feebly slaps the killer on the chest,
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Unh! Take that feeble slap, you stupid killer, you.
SPIKE: (as killer) Ow. You sure showed me. Guess I'll be on my way then.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Keep in touch!
>but it has no effect on him. Suddenly, he throws her over the railing. Sasha screams. She grabs onto the edge of the platform, hanging on for dear life.
The killer bends down and picks up his axe. Sasha screams again and again, tears streaming down her face.
BUFFY: Another victim that won't die. Just like Karla.
>Sasha -
Somebody, please help! Help! Oh, God, somebody help! Help!
The killer looks down at her, enjoying this. The killer pulls the axe back, then swings downward. Sasha screams and lets go. The axe hits right where Sasha's hands were.
SPIKE: Bloody hell, looks like you're right.
>Sasha falls and hits another platform. Her legs absorb most of the impact, and she falls to the ground. She slowly crawls to the railing and picks herself up. She looks up toward the killer.
XANDER: (as Sasha) Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!
>SASHA'S POV
The killer is walking down the platform, headed right for her.
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Oh, you mean he didn't just give up and go home? Huh, imagine that.
>NORMAL VIEW
Sasha starts down the stairs.
BUFFY: ...but then stops and sticks her tongue out at the killer, taunting him.
>WIDE OF:
The whole staircase. Sasha is almost to the bottom, while the killer is still up at the top.
Sasha gets off the stairs and runs over to the elevator.
WILLOW: ...gets on the elevator, and takes it back upstairs to where the killer is, taunts the killer some more, runs back downstairs, takes the elevator back up, and... well, you get the idea.
>CLOSE ON:
The killer's feet as he climbs down more stairs.
XANDER: (as killer) Like my new shoes?
>CUT TO:
Sasha, as she pushes the elevator button. She looks behind her.
CLOSE ON:
The killer's feet.
XANDER: (as killer) I just got them. They're blue.
>CUT TO:
Sasha. The elevator dings and the doors slide open. Sasha goes inside. The killer reaches the bottom of the steps and comes toward Sasha. She screams and presses 3 on the panel. She continues to press it as the killer comes closer, and closer. The killer reaches the elevator right as the doors begin to close. He swings his axe, and Sasha screams. The doors close and the axe slams into the doors.
XANDER: (as killer) Heeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
>CLOSE ON:
The floor numbers. We are on two then three. The elevator comes to a stop. Sasha is crying, wishing the elevator doors would open.
SPIKE: Please open. The sooner they open, the sooner she dies, the sooner this ends.
>INT. MAIN HALL
CLOSE ON:
The killer's feet as he starts to ascend the steps.
BUFFY: Geez, this thing is really confusing. Are they up, or down right now? And, who's up, and who's down? And where's Barney Fife?
>INT. ELEVATOR/HALLWAY
The elevator doors open and Sasha leaves, half running half walking.
XANDER: Yes, Sasha is wogging away from her attacker... wogging.
BUFFY: (valley girl accent) That is so eighties!
>She is constantly looking behind her. When she doesn't see the killer she backs up against a wall.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) If I close my eyes really tight, and hold my breath, no one will see me. I'll be invisible. I'm special that way.
>EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS
Natalie is still running, soaking wet as the rain continues to pour.
SPIKE: In slow motion? Licking her lips, and being all sexy?
WILLOW: Uh... this isn't Baywatch.
SPIKE: Like Xander said, a man's gotta have dreams.
>INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY
Sasha sinks to the floor.
BUFFY: ...and stoves to the wall.
SPIKE: (groans) Not more Japanese philosophy.
>EXT. ROAD
Reese's cop car comes swerving down the road, sirens blaring.
XANDER: (gasps) By itself? Ooo, I want a car like that.
>INT. COP CAR
Reese turns on the radio.
BUFFY: (as Reese) I like to enjoy a little light music while driving around looking for killers. It's especially soothing when I'm covered in blood.
>Sasha - (over radio; sobbing)
Please help me.
Reese is shocked.
WILLOW: (as Reese) I am shocked.
>INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY
Sasha continues to sob.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Wah! Nobody loves me! Wah!
>INT. COP CAR
Reese listens to Sasha sob with horror.
SPIKE: Reese listens in horror to Sasha sob? Or Sasha's sobbing in horror, and Reese is listening?
>INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY
CLOSE ON:
Two double doors. Suddenly, they're kicked open and the killer enters the hallway, axe in hand.
XANDER: Finally. Just... kill her and get this thing rolling.
>INT. SASHA'S RADIO ROOM
Sasha opens the door and crawls into the room. She locks the door. Sasha crawls over to the window, and, using the ledge, pulls herself up. She looks out the window.
SPIKE: Wait a minute. We're right back where we started! Son of a witch!
WILLOW: Ahem.
SPIKE: I stand by my statement.
>SASHA'S POV
Natalie comes running into the main hall.
NORMAL VIEW
Sasha begins to beat on the window.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Hey, Natalie, look at me! I stole your thunder. Nya-nya-nya!
>Sasha -
Natalie!
INT. MAIN HALL
Natalie runs into the main hall.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Thunder-stealer!
>Sasha - (o.s.)
Natalie!
Natalie looks up and sees Sasha pounding on the window.
XANDER: (as Sasha) Up here, Natalie. Hi. Yoo hoo! Natalie!
>Sasha -
Natalie, help me!
XANDER: Yeah, or that too.
>CLOSE ON:
Sasha, as she continues to pound on the window.
INT. SASHA'S RADIO ROOM
BANG! Sasha looks behind her and sees the killer enter the room from the producer's booth. She sinks to the floor, defeated.
SPIKE: (as Sasha) Eh, I give up.
>INT. MAIN HALL
Natalie sees the killer enter the room.
Natalie -
No!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) You're supposed to come after me! You're my killer! Not Sasha's. Damn it. Try to kill me, not her. Me!
>INT. SASHA'S RADIO ROOM
The killer approaches Sasha, axe in hand.
XANDER: (as killer) Hi, I'm Mr. K., and I'll be your killer today.
>Sasha -
Please. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die.
XANDER: (as killer) Sorry, lady, I just do what they tell me. They say kill you, I gotta kill you.
>The killer raises the axe.
INT. MAIN HALL
Natalie cries out.
Natalie -
No!
ALL: Yes!
>CLOSE ON:
The killer brings the axe down, cutting into Sasha. The killer raises the axe and brings it down again.
SPIKE: Finally!
OTHERS: Woo hoo!
>CLOSE ON:
Natalie. She screams.
Natalie -
No!
SPIKE: Yes, damn it!
WILLOW: Calm down, it happened. Sasha's as good as dead...
>CLOSE ON:
The killer. He raises the axe and brings it down for one final, lethal blow. Sasha is no more. The killer turns to face Natalie. A deadly silence. Then he raises his hand and waves.
BUFFY: (as killer) Hi, Natalie! Hi!
>INT. MAIN HALL
Natalie stares only a second, then takes off running.
CLOSE ON:
The killer. He turns and leaves the room.
XANDER: My job here is done.
>EXT. RADIO STATION
Natalie comes running out of the radio station. She runs down the steps.
SPIKE: Oh, would you look at that? More wet woman running... could even be some slow motion involved.
BUFFY: Doubtful.
SPIKE: Still. I can dream.
BUFFY: Well, why don't you go dream while we take a break? My butt hurts.
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)
BUFFY: Shut up, Spike.
WILLOW: (yawns) I'm up, Ma.
Chapter 6
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Rating: R
Summary: An MST-style fic Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy. I stuck them in a room that's grown into a house, and they can't get out. Wanna know more? Read my first two parodies: I Know What They Parodied Last Summer, and, I Still Know What They Parodied Last Summer. That should clear some things up.
Disclaimer: The movie they're riffing on--Urban Legend--and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel (in case I mention stuff from there), and Mystery Science Theater 3000, don't belong to me and I make no money off of them.
A/N: This takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, but before Tara comes in. Anya's in the picture, so is Riley. And that's about it I think.
********
********
They all stood as one, stretching and bending to relieve the stiffness in their sore, and tired muscles. Buffy sighed and headed into the kitchen for some yogurt. White chocolate and raspberry would do just fine, thank you. She sat on one of the stools at the butcher block island and slowly enjoyed her yogurt and a bottle of water.
Willow joined her a few minutes later, carrying a plain red book with no title. She set the book on the counter, grabbed a coke, and sat across from Buffy with a smile. "Hi."
Buffy grinned at the unabashed smile on Willow's face and swallowed another spoonful of yogurt. "Right back at ya. Join me in a carton of creamy goodness?"
"No, thanks. Me and my coke are good." She nooded to the book as she opened the can of soda. "I asked for that the first night here. It's sort of a journal."
Finishing her yogurt with a few final licks to her spoon, she tossed the empty cup into the trash and set the spoon in the sink. "Any interesting little tidbits I should know about?"
Willow nodded and shrugged. "Um, yes? I mean... okay, when we first got here, we were all about finding a way out of here. But now..."
"Now?" Buffy inquired.
"Not so much," Willow answered. "In fact, I'd say hardly at all. And we've kinda lost all interest in figuring out where here is... and who has us here... and, well, anything. We're sort of--"
"Not doing much of anything except reading movie scripts," Buffy finished with a nod. "True, but, I can't seem to care too much. I mean, sometimes I think, 'We need to get out of here' and then I just... stop caring, and think, 'Does it really matter? We're here, so, let's just enjoy it'.
"Me too," Willow agreed. "Like right now." She shrugged, picked up her book, and nodded toward the front room. "Let's go finish that thing."
Buffy sighed and followed her friend into the front room and sat in her usual seat. They all did. No one seemed to want to change the seating arrangements anytime soon. Oh, well.
********
>This stops Brenda.
XANDER: What stops Brenda? There's something out there that stops Brenda? Wow... I want whatever it is.
>She turns to Natalie.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Who are you again?
>Natalie -
We went to high school together.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Me and you? Really?
>Brenda closes her locker.
Natalie -
We haven't spoken in two years.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh, no wonder I don't remember you. Ooo... shiny locker.
>Brenda walks over to Natalie and sits next to her.
Brenda -
Why?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Why are you sitting next to me? I don't know.
>FLASH!
ALL: Ahh!
SPIKE: Stop that, damn it.
>Natalie is having a flashback.
SPIKE: Well, thank you for the explanation, now, stop doing it.
XANDER: I want to do that too. Have flashbacks heralded by FLASHES.
BUFFY: (to Xander) If you do, I'll have to take you out.
XANDER: (shocked) You'd kill me?
BUFFY: (laughs) No, take you out with me to patrol. You'd scare the vamps and demons... or at least startle them for a minute.
>We are in her car. Michelle is driving.
WILLOW: Oh... she shouldn't do that. Not without a head. She could hurt someone.
SPIKE: (to Willow) This is a flashback... I think she still has her head.
WILLOW: Oh... well, she shouldn't just spontaneously re-grow her head either. It's creepy.
SPIKE: You do understand the nature of a flashback don't you?
WILLOW: Shh. I'm being witty, and there's not much here to do the wit with.
SPIKE: (shakes his head) You're a strange one.
WILLOW: (grins) Thank you.
>Natalie -
We were in my car one night. Michelle was driving.
BUFFY: I think they're in a car. And Michelle is driving.
XANDER: (scoffs) I don't know...
BUFFY: (points) But it says so... twice.
>FLASH!
SPIKE: I said stop that!
>Back to the present.
Natalie - (cont'd)
The story about the gang high beam initiation was going around.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...telling people that it was rich, and a football star, just to sleep with women.
WILLOW: Bad story! Bad, bad story!
>FLASH!
SPIKE: (growls) Bloody hell, you listen here, you stupid--
WILLOW: (to Spike) Just a script. Not real. They actually can't hear you right now.
SPIKE: (takes a deep breath, then glares at Willow)
WILLOW: (sighs)
>We are back in Natalie's car.
XANDER: (as talk show host) And we're back in Natalie's car. Let's watch as they do something stupid, and something bad happens.
>Natalie and Michelle are talking.
Natalie - (cont'd)
Michelle wanted to play a practical joke.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) She wanted to put shaving cream in someone's hand while they were driving, and-- it was just a really stupid idea. So, I came up with the idea to call a pizza place and order a bunch of pizzas sent to--
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ooo, shiny. Look, Natalie. Shiny window.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I hate you, Brenda.
>FLASH!
SPIKE: (snarls) Was there a name attached to this script?
XANDER: (looks at the title page) Nope.
SPIKE: I need to kill someone for this crap... (turns to the others) so, who's it gonna be?
BUFFY: (chuckles) Right, Mr. Unable-to-hurt-any-living-thing.
WILLOW: Don't look at me.
XANDER: (rolls his eyes) I wonder if you'd actually kill us if you could.
SPIKE: (vamps out) I would.
OTHERS: Uh-huh.
>Back to Brenda and Natalie.
BUFFY: Yes, let us get back to Brenda and Natalie. We feel Brenda-and-Natalie deprived.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
So she turned off the head lights and waited for the first car to pass by and flash us.
WILLOW: So, what, they just drove down the road, waiting and hoping that someone would flash them?
SPIKE: Their headlights, Witch... she means their headlights.
WILLOW: (grins) I know.
>FLASH!
SPIKE: (snarls)
WILLOW: Oh, look! Someone just flashed us!
>A car drives down the road. It flashes Michelle and Natalie. In the car, Michelle goes ecstatic.
BUFFY: (as Michelle, ecstatic) Oh, my god! Somebody finally flashed us... I can't believe it. I finally got to see naked butt!
SPIKE: Headlights, people... they're talking about headlights.
BUFFY: (grins) I know.
SPIKE: Wait a minute, I'm the one who's supposed to be making naked comments.
WILLOW: You were slacking.
BUFFY: We're just taking up the slack.
Natalie - (cont'd)
When somebody finally did, she made a U-turn and started chasing him.
XANDER: (as Michelle) Arf! Come back here, you car, you.
>Natalie's car makes a U-turn on the road and follows the other car, flashing the high beams.
Natalie - (cont'd)
Flashing her high beams, laughing.
BUFFY: I think the high beams got flashed. What do you think?
OTHERS: Nah!
>The man in the other car tries to look through his rear view mirror, but the lights blind him.
XANDER: Shouldn't he be watching the road in front of him, rather than behind him? I find driving to be easier that way.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
I was laughing too, at first...
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Hahaha, it's funny that he can't see and is scared to death. Funny.
>FLASH!
SPIKE: (snarls)
>Back to Brenda and Natalie.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Shiny--
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Shut up, Brenda.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
But then we started going really fast.
FLASH!
SPIKE: Okay! We get the idea!
>Natalie's car speeds down the road, flashing its lights.
FLASH!
Natalie continues her story, pained.
SPIKE: Not as pained as me with these damn flashes.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
I wanted to tell her to stop...
XANDER: (as Natalie) ...but I'm a wimp, and she was mean.
>FLASH!
Natalie sits in her car, not saying anything.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I'm not saying anything.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
But I just sat there.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...not saying anything.
XANDER: (as Natalie) 'Cause of the whole wimp factor and all.
>The man in the other car continues to look in the rear view mirror, blinded. He is obviously frightened.
XANDER: I'm telling you, dude, looking forward is the better thing to do. Less crashing that way.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
Then the other car lost control and veered off the road.
XANDER: Told ya.
>In Natalie's car, Natalie and Michelle sit stoned face,
WILLOW: Oh, isn't that cute? They've got 'stoned face'. It's kinda like Bitter Beer Face... only not.
>not wanting to believe what they just saw.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) What did I just see?
WILLOW: (as Michelle) I don't know, but I don't want to believe it.
>FLASH!
SPIKE: That's it. Tell me when the flashing's over. I'm getting some blood. (gets up and leaves the room)
OTHERS: (watch him go)
>Natalie is almost to tears,
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wait, wait, I can do it, I know I can. Just give me a second. If all else fails, I'll poke myself in the eye.
>remembering that night.
Natalie - (cont'd)
He- he- He was our age.
WILLOW: O-- o-- okay.
>FLASH!
Police are everywhere. We see the man laying on the ground, his head cracked open.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I didn't want to get out of the car and hit him over the head with a rock twenty times... but Michelle said to do it, and... well, that whole wimpy thing came into play again.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
By the time the police got there, he was dead.
WILLOW: He's dead, Jim!
>We pan over to Michelle and Natalie. Michelle is talking with a police officer, while Natalie stands there, stone faced. Her hands are pressed to the sides of her head.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Must... keep... brains... in.
>Natalie - (cont'd)
The courts were lenient with us. We only got probation.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I mean... seriously, we only killed a guy. No biggie.
>FLASH!
A few tears stream down Natalie's face.
XANDER: (as Natalie) See? Told you I could do it.
WILLOW: (yelling) All done, Spike. You can come back now.
SPIKE: No.
BUFFY: Yes. If we have to, then you have to.
SPIKE: (grumbles, but sits down)
>Natalie - (cont'd)
I was never able to forgive her for what she did. I guess I wasn't able to forgive myself for not doing more to stop it.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...'cause, you know, I could've done something, but I chose to do nothing, so...
BUFFY: (as Brenda) No. You couldn't have done anything... I mean, what were you supposed to do? Say, 'No, Michelle, we can't do this'? That is asking too much from one person. It's not your fault.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Really?
BUFFY: (as Brenda) No. Bye. I've got some Paul ogling to do, and some shiny things to stare at.
>Brenda -
Oh my God. How awful...for everyone.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...especially for me.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) But you weren't even there.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) What's your point?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Um, nothing.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) That's a good wimp.
>Natalie nods.
Natalie -
Yeah.
INT. CORRIDOR - LATER
Natalie and Brenda walk down the corridor, heading outside.
Natalie -
I don't know. Maybe I should go home for a few weeks.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Yep. Running away is just what you should do.
>Brenda -
Natalie, come on. You need to relax, have some fun, and come to the party, okay? Please?
Natalie -
Okay. Promise you won't leave me alone?
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Ugh, can you say 'needy'? Nevermind. Go home, have fun.
>Brenda -
I promise. Unless, of course, I hook up with some
XANDER: (as Brenda) ...foreign exchange student with shiny things. Then you're on your own.
>cute, blue eyed journalist. Then you might have to fend for yourself.
They both giggle.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Tee hee.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Tee hee.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) We're so cute.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Totally cute.
>INT. PAUL'S OFFICE - LATER - NIGHT
Paul goes through his desk, packing.
XANDER: (as Paul) Let's see... one pencil, one pen, a piece of paper, and a strip of tape. All packed.
>He throws some folders into a box. The janitor appears, unnoticed by Paul. He opens his drawer, and pulls out a
BUFFY: Ack! No! Don't do it, Mr. Janitor! Please, I beg of you.
SPIKE: That's Paul opening his drawers, and pulling things out.
BUFFY: Oh. Um, don't do it, Paul! Please, I beg of you. Keep any and all things from your drawers in your drawers.
SPIKE: That's his dresser drawers he's pulling things from.
BUFFY: Oh. Paul... keep that... um, stuff... away, and... stuff.
OTHERS: O_O
BUFFY: (shrugs) Wind. Sails. Out.
>folder. Underneath is a newspaper.
XANDER: (as Paul, angry) All right! Who put this newspaper here? A newsroom is no place for a newspaper!
>It has a picture of a young William Wexler, with a headline that reads
XANDER: "William Wexler, Carpet Cleaner to the Stars!"
>"Sole survivor William Wexler." Paul is intrigued and takes it out. He unfolds it and reads the top headline. "Massacre at Stanley Hall." Over to the side is a picture of Stanley Hall.
XANDER: "William Wexler cleaned all the bloody carpets left behind by the massacre at Stanley Hall..."
WILLOW: (pats Xander's arm) Okay. That'll do, pig, that'll do.
The janitor starts to leave. Paul looks up and sees him leave. Paul silently thanks him. He knows what he has to do.
SPIKE: (as Paul) I must kill everyone.
>INT. PARKING GARAGE - LATER
Dean Adams walks to his car.
WILLOW: Why doesn't he take one of those little golf carts to his car?
OTHERS: O_O
WILLOW: Well, he could, you know.
>Most of the place is dark, and Dean Adams's car is one of the few left. Dean Adams presses a button on his automatic door lock.
XANDER: ...and his car blows up.
>His car beeps,
XANDER: ...then blows up.
>unlocking. Dean Adams is about to open his car.
XANDER: ...but it blows up.
>He stops,
XANDER: ...as it blows up.
>and looks into his backseat.
XANDER: ...just as it blows up.
>DEAN ADAMS'S POV
His back seat is empty.
XANDER: ...but the car blows up.
OTHERS: O_O
SPIKE: Get over it. It's obviously not gonna happen.
XANDER: One has to have dreams.
>NORMAL VIEW
Dean Adams shakes his head, and goes to open his car door again.
Suddenly,
XANDER: ...it blows up.
>a hand grabs his shoulder! He spins around to see...
XANDER: ...a car blow up.
BUFFY: (laughs) Xander!
WILLOW: (laughing) Stop it!
>REESE!
He gasps, frightened.
SPIKE: (as Adams) Good Lord, Reese, you're frightening to behold. Leave my sight!
>Dean Adams -
Don't do that.
WILLOW: (as Adams) ...only clowns can do that. Otherwise it's icky.
>Reese -
Sorry, Dean. A little jumpy?
BUFFY: (as Adams) No, I'm a little hoppy... there's a difference, and you'd do well to remember that.
>Dean Adams - (lying)
No, not at all.
He thinks of some excuse to explain his behavior.
Dean Adams - (cont'd)
Just...thinking.
BUFFY: He's thinking, therefore he yells 'Don't do that' at Reese? Makes sense to me. His buff reputation is totally secure.
>Reese nods.
WILLOW: ...thinking to herself, 'yeah, right, you blustery old fool'.
>Reese -
Me too. It wouldn't be a bad idea to add on a few extra guards this weekend. Just in case.
Dean Adams -
In case what?
XANDER: (as Reese) Well, duh. In case the fish start walking and go on a rampage. Duh.
WILLOW: Duh.
BUFFY: Duh.
SPIKE: Riii-iiiight.
WILLOW: And Dr. Evil makes another appearance.
>Reese -
After the suicide and what happened to that Mancini girl-- Now I'm having trouble locating a boy named Damon Brooks. He's been missing for some days now.
BUFFY: (to Reese) Oh, I can help you out with that one. He's dead.
>Dean Adams -
Missing? He's not missing. It's the weekend. He's probably shacked up in some motel with a girl. Or a guy, farm animal, whatever.
XANDER: Dude. Yuck.
SPIKE: Agreed.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (exchange grossed-out looks)
>Reese gives him a look.
WILLOW: We're with ya on that one, Reese.
BUFFY: Absolutely.
>Dean Adams -
Weren't you ever eighteen?
BUFFY: If that's what he did when he was eighteen... I'm thinking the generation gap is wider than we thought. And thank god.
>Reese -
Not that kind of eighteen.
Dean Adams -
My point is, I don't want you overreacting. Don't contact any one
without my permission.
SPIKE: (as Adams) Because I'm God, you know.
>Reese nods.
Dean Adams - (cont'd)
No parents, no police. Is that understood?
WILLOW: (as Adams) I don't care if people are getting killed left and right. Call me first.
>Reese nods.
Reese -
Understood. Good night, sir.
XANDER: And what she really meant to say was...?
BUFFY: Take off, you hosier.
>Dean Adams smiles and turns back to his car. Reese mouths the words "ass hole" and turns and walks away.
XANDER: Oh, and you were wrong, Buffy. Willow, show her what she could've won!
WILLOW: (blinks at him)
XANDER: Or not.
>Dean Adams looks at the back seat again, but shakes his head. Nobody could've snuck into his car. Suddenly, there's a clinking noise in the background. Dean Adams spins around, horrified. He looks around, but it's too dark. He can't see anything.
BUFFY: He should try opening his eyes. That always helps me.
>Suddenly, a knife appears from under his car and slices his ankles!
WILLOW: Attack of the Killer Knives! Run!
>Dean Adams screams and drops to the ground.
WILLOW: I said to run, not drop to the ground, dummy.
>He looks at his ankles and sees blood pouring out from them. He gasps and starts to crawl away from the car.
SPIKE: (snorts) Yeah, you'll get far that way.
>The killer crawls out from under the car and stands up. Dean Adams crawls past the front of his car. The killer
SPIKE: ...strolls away, strolls back, takes a few laps around the parking garage, and then takes a nap.
WILLOW: (as Adams) I've almost made it ten feet now.
>walks over to his car and opens the door. He reaches inside and flicks a button.
FLASH!
SPIKE: Oh, no, you don't. Not that again!
>The lights come on. Dean Adams stops crawling and looks behind him. The killer pulls a lever marked with a "P."
BUFFY: This death has been brought to you by the letter, 'P'.
>The car starts to roll forward. The killer walks along side it.
WILLOW: (as killer) Like my pet car? I call her Fluffy.
>Dean Adams continues to crawl, panting.
XANDER: (as Adams) Arf, arf!
>The car gets closer, closer. The killer's footsteps echo throughout the garage.
ALL: (yawn)
SPIKE: And to answer the question as to whether or not a death can be drawn out too long... yes!
>Dean Adams stops when he comes to the tire spikes in the pavement.
BUFFY: (as Adams) Ah, this is the perfect spot for a picnic, because I can think of no other reason as to why I'm stopping here.
>He turns around and screams. The car is on top of him.
XANDER: (as killer) Bad, Fluffy! Bad! Stop humping Dean Adams... down, Fluffy!
>It pushes him down, right onto the tire spikes. The car's tires blow out as they roll past. The car smashes the small beam in half. The car rolls past Dean Adams's bloody body.
WILLOW: Dean Adams's bloody body? Sure it's not Dean Adams's's's's?
SPIKE: (to Willow) You'd prefer...?
WILLOW: Dean Adams'. Nice and simple.
BUFFY: But either way is correct.
WILLOW: I don't care. I like my way.
>The killer turns and starts to walk away.
XANDER: ...calling for Fluffy over his shoulder. (as killer) Here, Fluffy! Here, girl! Come to daddy.
>The camera focuses on Dean Adam's hand. It moves slightly, then stays still.
BUFFY: ...then moves slightly, then stays still. Then moves slightly, then stays still.
WILLOW: (as Adams) Tee hee, I'm such a prankster.
>The camera pans up to a sign that says: "Severe Tire Damage."
ALL: O_O
>EXT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - LATER - ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT
A very large frat house. Four, five stories high with about maybe over fifty rooms.
WILLOW: ...its turn-ons are loud, noisy groups of college kids, and beer. Turn-offs include books, quiet time, and cleanliness.
>People head toward the house.
XANDER: ...but then they realize the party is actually two houses over, and head that way.
>People - (chanting; o.s.)
Hootie! Hootie! Hootie! Hootie!
BUFFY: (as chanter) We want Hootie and the Blowfish! Now! Or we'll riot.
>INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE
The chanting continues while music blares from a speaker. People are dressed in a wide variety of costumes. Most of them are dressed like
BUFFY: ...Brenda, and are walking around saying, 'Shiny!'.
>dead people. The camera pans over to Parker, holding his dog HOOTIE in his hands. A funnel is in his mouth, and a man is pouring beer into it.
WILLOW: Poor, Hootie!
OTHERS: (try not to laugh)
>Parker -
There you go! There you go! That's my boy! That's my boy!
Hootie has downed the entire can of beer. The crowd bursts into
applause and cheering. Parker kisses Hootie.
WILLOW: Poor, Hootie!
BUFFY: It's just beer. It won't hurt him.
WILLOW: No, I mean because of the kissing. Poor doggie.
>CUT TO:
The D.J. at the control board. He starts to play the song "Roller
Coaster."
SPIKE: ...but then realizes that the song's popularity went out in the 70's, so, he puts on a more modern song.
>Sasha stands by the speaker, clearly not having fun.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) I am so not having fun. I'm above this childish partying thing... I am sophisticated. I am my own woman. I-- ooo, candy!
>A NERDY GUY walks over to her.
XANDER: (as nerdy guy) Hi. Wanna go see Star Wars, Episode One, Phantom Menace with me? And then... when, um, part two comes out... we can go see that too. We can camp out for months in advance for tickets, and... it'll be fun, so, do ya wanna?
>Nerdy Guy -
Listen. Listen.
XANDER: (as nerdy guy) ...music comes out of the speakers. Isn't that cool?
>A scream comes from the speaker, all apart of the song.
WILLOW: Apart of the song? That would be 'a part of the song' or 'apart from the song' or even 'part of the song'.
SPIKE: (to Willow) And that would be anal. Or possibly anal. Or it could even be anal.
>Nerdy Guy -
That scream? That's an actual cry for help by a girl being murdered.
BUFFY: O_O
WILLOW: O_O
XANDER: O_O
SPIKE: Cool.
>Sasha doesn't care, but she goes along with it.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Leave me alone with my candy. Go away. Shoo!
>Sasha -
You're kidding me.
Nerdy Guy - (chuckles)
No. That's why it sounds so real because it was lifted off a 9-1-1 tape.
XANDER: Okay, that's really kinda sick.
BUFFY: Kinda?
>Sasha -
That's great.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) ...that someone was enterprising enough to take a dying girl's screams and turn them into entertainment. Neat.
>Nerdy Guy -
Yeah. Woah.
Sasha walks away.
XANDER: (as nerdy guy) Not whoa?
>CUT TO:
Natalie, just entering the house. She looks around, clearly
uncomfortable by all the people.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) People scare me.
>Brenda comes running up.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ahh!
>Brenda -
Hey, Miss Thing!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Ahh!
>Natalie -
Hey.
SPIKE: I feel the love in that room.
>They hug.
SPIKE: Get a room!
>Brenda -
You made it!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't 'make it' too. I thought we both... 'made it' together.
WILLOW: Buffy... you're on the edge of oogie-ness.
BUFFY: (laughs) And it's fun.
>Hootie runs past them, the funnel clutched in his mouth.
XANDER: (as Hootie) My kitchen utensil!
>Natalie -
And already I'm starting to regret it.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) And already I'm going to start whining.
>Brenda -
I'm going to go get something to drink. Want anything?
Natalie -
A beer.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...without Hootie drool, please.
>Brenda -
Okay. Be right back!
She moves into the crowd.
Paul - (o.s.)
Stanley
XANDER: Look, it's Paul Stanley.
SPIKE: (snickers)
>Hall's not a legend.
XANDER: (as Paul) Oates is... but not Hall.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Well, duh. I've seen the building with my own two eyes. I knew it wasn't a legend.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Um, I meant the rumors about the massacre.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Tch. Shoulda said that then.
>Natalie spins around to see Paul.
BUFFY: ...but gets dizzy and falls on her butt.
>Paul - (cont'd)
And there's one survivor that night.
He holds up the newspaper.
XANDER: (as Paul) Look, I finally learned how to read.
WILLOW: He needs Hooked On Phonics. Worked great for Ray.
BUFFY: Yep. And isn't it appalling how many movie heroes can't read?
>INT. SECOND STORY - LATER
SPIKE: So, there are two stories happening at once?
WILLOW: (to Spike) That was bad.
SPIKE: So is this script.
>Paul and Natalie sit by the railing of the stairs, talking.
Paul -
It makes perfect sense.
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...all the words just look right now. And I can put them together and make what's called a, 'sentence'. Do you know of, 'sentences', Natalie?
>Pendleton covered up Stanley Hall.
XANDER: (as Paul) ...with a giant tarp, but it blew away...
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...and?
XANDER: (as Paul) and... um... oh! The end! See, that's a 'sentence', Natalie. Now, it's your turn.
>And Wexler, so long as he keeps his mouth shut, gets a job for life.
WILLOW: Then it's really a good thing he became a teacher. Can you imagine what would've happened it he'd become a clothing designer?
>Natalie -
Why would he do it?
BUFFY: (as Paul) Job security?
>Paul -
It eats at him. And every year around this time, he goes a little
wacko. This year...off the charts.
Natalie -
Then we have to call the police before it happens again.
Paul -
I already tried. Dean Adams beat me to it. They said he warned 'em to expect prank calls tonight. Even gave 'em our names.
BUFFY: Oh, I so don't think so. What was Dean Adams thinking? What were the police thinking? So, if something happens, and someone from the college callls for help, no one will come out? Whatever.
WILLOW: And for that matter, why is there only one security guard at a college? It's a big place... crime happens... with all that drinking and the parties... not to mention that they have this big old security building where Reese was practicing her pretend shooting. So, where are they all at?
SPIKE: Where's all the security at your college? I broke into the administration building, looked up your room, and got into your dorm all without someone even trying to stop me.
XANDER: They don't need security... they have the Initiative.
BUFFY: (smiles) Yeah.
WILLOW: (frowns) Yeah.
SPIKE: (snarls) Yeah.
>For a few seconds, they say nothing. Natalie is on the verge of losing it.
WILLOW: It?
BUFFY: It.
XANDER: It?
SPIKE: It.
>Paul -
Look.
BUFFY: (as Paul) ...birdies.
>What he is about to say is obviously hard.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Penis.
OTHERS: (burst out laughing)
WILLOW: (through her laughter) Guys, don't encourage him.
SPIKE: (chuckles) Yeah, god forbid.
>Paul -
I'm sorry I doubted you before.
XANDER: (as Paul) I should've waited until now. Now's when I doubt you.
>Natalie loses it.
WILLOW: What exactly is this 'it' she keeps losing, or almost losing?
>She begins to cry.
BUFFY: I don't know, but it makes her sad, I think.
>Paul -
What?
BUFFY: Her it. Or the loss of said it.
>Natalie -
What is he trying to do to me?
WILLOW: Who? Paul? I'm confused.
>Paul doesn't know what to say. He's dumbfounded.
WILLOW: Glad I'm not the only one.
>Natalie continues to cry.
Natalie -
I'm so scared.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Never mind that lots of people have been killed, you know during the Stanley Hall massacre, and then again, now, like Michelle, Damon, Tosh, and Dean Adams... it's definitely all about Natalie. Geez, she's got, like, ten tons of nerves.
>Paul takes Natalie's head in his hands.
XANDER: (as Paul) Contrary to your own beliefs, Natalie, this isn't all about you. Other people do exist outside your little world.
>Paul -
Hey, listen to me. Nothing is going to happen to you, okay? I promise.
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...unless I get sick of you and off you myself.
>He leans toward her, and they kiss. A long, passionate kiss. Too long. Brenda comes walking down the hall, two glasses of beer in her hands.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Hi, Paul! I got you some beer. Maybe, if you get me drunk, I'll sleep with you. Oh who am I kidding? There's no maybe about it. Come and get me once you're done with Natalie!
>She sees them kissing, and turns angry.
XANDER: ...and then turns into the Incredible Hulk.
>Brenda -
You don't waste anytime, do you, Natalie?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, sorry, Brenda meet Paul. Paul, this is Brenda. She likes shiny things. Do you have some keys? Just hold them up for her to see, and shake them, she'll be occupied for hours, then we can get back to nookie-ing.
SPIKE: Nookie-ing?
WILLOW: (grins, and nods) Nookie-ing.
SPIKE: Right.
>The kiss is broken. Natalie looks up at Brenda, who is pissed.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) I am pissed.
SPIKE: Off one beer?
BUFFY: The other kind of pissed.
>Natalie -
Brenda--
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...look. Shiny!
>Brenda -
Here. It's light.
XANDER: Eh?
WILLOW: What is?
BUFFY: Ya got me.
SPIKE: The beer.
BUFFY: The beer is light? Huh.
SPIKE: (sighs) Lite. Lite beer.
BUFFY: (to Spike) You're too easy to mess with.
>She shoves Natalie's beer into her hand then storms off. Paul has no idea what's going on.
BUFFY: (as Paul) I have no idea what's going on.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Do you ever, Paul?
BUFFY: (as Paul) No.
>Natalie -
Oh, shit.
XANDER: (as Paul) Ew. Where? I don't wanna step in it. Damn that Hootie!
>Paul -
What was all that about?
Natalie -
I screwed up.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...my face, and stuck my tongue out at her. She wasn't amused.
>She stands up and leaves.
EXT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - PORCH - NIGHT
Brenda comes out of the house and walks over to the steps. She sits down and begins to cry.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Wah! I'm upset. Wah! Ooo, shiny.
>INT. COLLEGE BUILDING - LATER
Reese walks down the flight of steps, flashlight in hand. She starts down the hallway when she bumps into...
XANDER: ...Elvis!
SPIKE: (as Elvis) Thank you very much.
>THE JANITOR!
She gasps.
Reese -
Jesus! You trying to give me a heart attack here!
Janitor - (deadpan)
Boo.
WILLOW: Hey, the janitor's doing our job for us.
XANDER: I hate when they do that.
>Reese -
The building's off-limits after 10:00.
The janitor starts to descend the stairs.
BUFFY: (as janitor) Fine, I'll leave the stinky backed-up toilets for you to get. And you can empty the over-flowing trashcans. And hows about you also mop this floor... I never seem to be able to finish it. It's almost like it's the only thing I do...
>Reese -
A good night to you too.
Suddenly, she hears glass breaking. Reese immediately tenses up. She reaches into her holster and pulls out her
SPIKE: ...banana.
OTHERS: O_O
WILLOW: Looks like the randomness has finally struck Spike.
>gun. She slowly makes her way down the hall. She stops at the corner, pointing her
SPIKE: ...banana around the corner, pretending to shoot.
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew-pew! Pew!
>flashlight and her gun. She walks down the hall, slowly and carefully. The door to Wexler's office is open. She points her
SPIKE: ...banana inside and shoots some more.
XANDER: (as Reese) Pew! Pew-pew-pew!
>gun and flashlight into the opening.
Reese -
Hello?
XANDER: No one answers, so, she shoots them. (As Reese) Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew!
>Reese makes her way into the room.
INT. WEXLER'S OFFICE
Reese looks around. The whole office has been trashed. Papers are
strewn everywhere, books are thrown about, his masks are knocked down. Reese walks over to the closet. She goes inside.
WILLOW: ...and refuses to come back out again.
BUFFY: (as Reese) My closet now!
>Reese checks every corner of the closet. The flashlight's beam comes to rest upon the shelf where the axe
SPIKE: ...suddenly slips and falls, conking her on the head.
>had been resting. The axe is gone!
WILLOW: Run, little axe! Run! You're free now... go, be free.
>Reese begins to back out. Suddenly, she slips and falls to the
XANDER: ...ceiling. Wackiness ensues.
>ground. We see that she has slipped
SPIKE: ...on her banana peel.
WILLOW: (as Reese) Oops, I knew I shouldn't have peeled my gun.
>in a large puddle of blood!
BUFFY: That is seriously not fun. I've ruined many an outfit that way.
SPIKE: Tell me about it.
WILLOW/XANDER: O_O
>Reese -
Ow. Oh.
She looks at all the blood.
XANDER: ...finding animals and shapes in it.
>Reese -
What?
WILLOW: I didn't say anything, did you Buffy?
BUFFY: Nope. Xander?
XANDER: Unh-uh. Spike?
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Yes. But I said it at a frequency that only fictional characters in lame-ass movies can hear.
WILLOW: Well, excuuuu-uuuuuuse us.
>CUT TO:
INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - LATER
Paul runs over to Parker, who is over by the D.J.
XANDER: ...who is near the table, which is by the door...
WILLOW: ...which is close to the bedroom, and far from the kitchen...
BUFFY: ...which has stuff in drawers, and is painted red...
SPIKE: ...which is the color of your blood, and smelling tasty at the moment.
>Paul -
Hey, Parker, let me talk to you for a second.
XANDER: (as Parker) No.
>They move away from the D.J. and the radio control board.
Paul -
Look, you might want to end this party a little early.
Parker -
What?
BUFFY: (as Paul) I feel tired. And I don't want to miss anything. So, just end it, and I won't miss anything.
SPIKE: (as Parker) Been taking selfish lessons from Natalie?
BUFFY: (as Paul) Uh-huh! How am I doing so far?
SPIKE: (as Parker) I think you've graduated.
>Paul -
Natalie was right all along.
WILLOW: (as Paul) ...Oreos do taste better than macaroni and cheese!
>Parker -
Say no more. Everybody, listen up!
BUFFY: (as Parker) ...Paul here says Natalie was right all along about the Oreo thing. Let's kill him! You don't mess with a man and his macaroni.
XANDER: That's right!
>Paul tries to stop Parker, but he shrugs him off.
Parker -
No, no, no. Listen! Turn the music down.
The D.J. turns the volume down.
Parker -
Paul here, he thinks we should end the party early.
The crowd
XANDER: ...agrees. (as party goer) This party sucks! Kill it now, put it out of its misery.
WILLOW: (as other party goer) Yeah! This place stinks! Literally. It smells like Hootie-doo!
>does not agree, and they mumble their protest. Sasha watches, wondering what Parker is doing.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) What is Parker doing now? He's such an idiot... if it weren't for the sex, I'd be gone.
>Parker - (to crowd)
No, no, no, no. (to Paul) Tell everybody why. Why they should go home.
XANDER: (as Paul) Because you're all ugly. Parker said so.
>Paul -
There's a killer on campus.
XANDER: (as Paul) Oh yeah, and that too.
>Everybody laughs.
Parker -
And let me guess. This killer's offing people based on urban legends.
Paul -
Yeah, that's right.
SPIKE: I completely understand their unwillingness to believe... I mean, seriously, how many people are murdered in a given year? Two? Three?
BUFFY: Really. You'd think they lived in a utopia.
>Parker -
Well, I have a legend you may or may not of heard of, Paul. You see, this
WILLOW: (as Parker) ...shirt I'm wearing is really an alien, and soon it's going to take complete control of me and force me in to killing each and every one of you. How's that one?
SPIKE: Random.
WILLOW: Cool.
>mediocre Woodward and Bernstein wanna be realizes: "Shit!
BUFFY: (as Parker) ...that's it. There is no more story... just, 'Shit!'. The end.
XANDER: (to Buffy, chiding) Such language.
>I'm gonna graduate in a couple of weeks and write gardening tips for Martha Stewart's living!"
XANDER: She's a demon. Anya told me.
WILLOW: I knew it! Now, I can hate her without feeling guilty. She's creepy.
>The crowd laughs.
Parker -
Unless-- Hang on. Unless I get a really hot story. You know, something that really flies.
XANDER: (as Parker) ...like a bird. Birds fly. Or a bat, they fly too. Maybe an airplane... my point is... they all fly.
WILLOW: (as partier) Huh?
XANDER: (as Parker) Exactly!
>I got it. I got it.
XANDER: (as Parker) ...I got a thought!
>I'll take advantage of my homicidal instincts and start killing people in a trendy, attention getting, cover story kinda way. Basing them on...urban legends.
BUFFY: Um, yeah. That's what's happening. (to the others) Parker's a doofus.
>Paul looks almost guilty, then:
WILLOW: ...remembers that Martha Stewart is a demon, and drops the guilt.
>Paul -
Why don't you have another drink.
XANDER: Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for Paul, who's doing his part to keep the youth of America intoxicated.
>Parker grabs Paul's arm.
WILLOW: (as Parker) My arm! Give it back!
>Parker -
Paul, maybe your the one that should leave and let everybody else have a good time! Right! Whoo!
SPIKE: (as Parker) Leave us alone and let us get killed already. (as himself) A nice fire would take care of most of these punks.
WILLOW: But that would be bad.
SPIKE: (shrugs) Like I'm a boy scout? Hello.
>The crowd erupts in cheers and Parker runs over to a guy,
XANDER: ...for a meaningless sexual encounter before remembering his girlfriend. (as Parker) Oops. Sorry, Honey.
>who pours a small bottle of beer into his mouth.
Paul walks over to Natalie, who witnessed the whole thing.
BUFFY: (as Paul) Oh, you saw me get humiliated, did you?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Yep. (points and laughs)
>Paul -
You stay here. I'm gonna go get some help.
Natalie -
Okay.
CUT TO:
Parker and Sasha.
Sasha -
Parker, why do you always have to be such a jerk?
XANDER: (as Parker) 'cause it's fun.
>Parker -
I was just messing around.
Sasha -
Look, I'm gonna go to the radio station, okay?
Parker -
Hey, hey. Who's my girl? Who's my girl?
BUFFY: (as Sasha, sighing) Hootie.
>Sasha blows him a kiss.
Parker -
That's my girl!
XANDER: That is one strange man.
>EXT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
Sasha comes running out of the house, the rain soaking her.
SPIKE: (loudly) I am officially requesting pictures for the next movie. Lots of pictures of wet women, and half-naked women, and lots more women.
XANDER: I second that motion.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (roll their eyes)
>She runs over to a car and climbs inside. A FRIEND sits behind the wheel.
Sasha -
Let's go.
INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE/KITCHEN
Parker walks into the kitchen, finishing a beer. The phone rings.
Parker answers it.
Parker -
Hello?
There's no response.
Parker -
Hello?
WILLOW: That is so annoying when you answer the phone and have to say hello, like, five times before someone finally deigns to say something. I mean, hello, they called you, they should darn well speak up and--
XANDER: Issues?
WILLOW: Yes. But valid ones.
>Man's Voice -
You're gonna die tonight.
WILLOW: But not if they called to say that. Then they can stay silent.
>Parker -
Oh, really?
He flips the phone over and looks at the built in caller I.D. It says: "Damon Brooks." Parker puts the phone back to his ear.
BUFFY: Considering these two are friends, Damon most likely knew that Parker had caller I.D., not to mention that he's supposed to be at Killington, so... Parker's a complete idiot if he actually thinks it's Damon.
SPIKE: Not to mention Damon's dead.
BUFFY: In Parker's defense, he doesn't know that.
>Parker -
Let's see. The call's coming from inside the house. Could it be... an urban legend? Am I right? Hello? Don't get shy on me all of a sudden, fuck face.
WILLOW: Aww, he's got a pet name for Damon. Isn't that cute?
>INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI LIVING ROOM
Parker pushes his way through the streamers dangling from the ceiling above the door to the kitchen.
Parker -
This is the one about the baby-sitter, right? She's getting those
scary, harassing phone calls.
Parker begins to climb up the stairs.
XANDER: ...but has to stop when, after only two steps, he becomes winded.
>Parker - (cont'd)
And when she traces them back, they're coming from inside the house!
Parker is now on the second floor. A few PEOPLE walk by him.
SPIKE: No. Not PEOPLE!
>Parker - (cont'd)
But, asswipe,
WILLOW: Aww. Another pet name. So cute.
>aren't you forgetting something? I'm not baby sitting any kids.
BUFFY: ...unless you count all these people in my house, but most of them are old enough to watch out for themselves.
>Man's Voice -
Wrong legend. This is the one about the old lady who dries her wet dog in the microwave.
FLASH CUT TO:
The microwave.
CUT BACK TO:
Parker. He throws the phone down and races down the steps. He runs past the partygoers and into the...
XANDER: ...swimming pool, deciding to take a quick dip before checking on his beloved dog, Hootie.
>INT. KITCHEN
The light in the microwave goes off and it beeps. Parker stands there, not knowing what to do.
SPIKE: I'd think opening it might help.
>He doesn't want to open it, but it's just some creep messing with him, right? He grabs the door handle and throws it open to reveal...
THE SPLATTERED REMAINS OF HOOTIE!
ALL: EWWWWW!
XANDER: Not Hootie! He was my favorite character. They all die... all my favorite characters die.
SPIKE: He was my favorite too.
WILLOW: Me too.
BUFFY: Mine too.
>Parker gasps, sickened.
Parker -
Fuck! Fucking sick motherfucker! Hootie! Fuck!
XANDER: Obviously Hootie was Parker's favorite character too.
>He races out of the kitchen. He runs down a hallway.
Parker -
Wanna fuck with me!
SPIKE: ...who's he talking to?
OTHERS: (shrug)
SPIKE: He just randomly runs through the house asking people to fu--
WILLOW: (loudly) AHEM!
SPIKE: --him? That's a system, I guess.
>He races into a...
WILLOW: ...building filled with dynamite, and gets blown up. Scene!
>INT. BATHROOM
Parker runs into the small bathroom and over to the cigarette filled toilet.
ALL: Ew.
>He bends over it, wanting to vomit.
BUFFY: That's the worst feeling.
WILLOW: Most definitely.
XANDER: I've never drank to excess, so, I wouldn't know.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (glare at him)
SPIKE: I don't get sick... never did, even as a human.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (glare at him)
>Suddenly, the killer enters the bathroom and pushes Parker's head into the toilet.
ALL: EW!
>INT. BATHROOM - LATER
Parker wakes up, but can't move. His hands have been tied around
WILLOW: ...the toilet.
OTHERS: Ew!
>the toilet.
ALL: ...
>A line of blood is on his face. He struggles against his bonds when the killer suddenly appears. Parker struggles, but the killer grabs a funnel and shoves it down Parker's throat.
WILLOW: Ew, that funnel was in Hootie's mouth earlier.
SPIKE: I think that's the least of his worries at the moment.
WILLOW: Probably.
>He gags, trying to spit it out. The killer grabs a bag of Pop Rocks and tears it open.
BUFFY: Oh, boy. Here we go again with the colorful spit.
>He pours it into the funnel, and down into Parker's mouth. The killer then reaches over to the sink and grabs a bottle of Drano.
BUFFY: He must have toilet breath.
>He pours it into the funnel. Parker gags and convulses.
XANDER: (to the others) Must be a yucky flavor.
>The tunnel overflows, but the killer continues to pour.
The killer drops the bottle and takes the funnel out of Parker's mouth. He tosses it into the sink and walks out of the bathroom, leaving Parker's dead corpse tied to the toilet.
WILLOW: Bye, Parker. Nice knowin' ya.
>INT. CAMPUS SECURITY OFFICE - LATER - NIGHT
Reese is on the phone with a 9-1-1 operator.
Woman -
Are you sure it's blood?
BUFFY: (as Reese) Um, let's see. It was red. And sticky. All over the floor. Smelled kinda coppery. Yeah, pretty sure that's what it was.
>Reese -
Yes, I'm sure it's blood! I'm covered in it!
Woman -
Due to the storm, all units are presently responding to calls. A unit has been notified.
WILLOW: (as Reese) Oh... well, then, I guess I can just sit back and relax, and let the cops take care of it.
>Reese -
You know what chaps my hide?
SPIKE: Dry weather? Wind?
>The way you pledged an oath to serve and protect, and then you don't give a rat's ass when something really does happen.
SPIKE: Ohh.
XANDER: (as woman) I'm sorry, ma'am, but we real cops are a teesy bit busier than you rent-a-cops.
>Woman -
Hold please.
Reese has had enough. The police can't help. She hangs up the phone.
Reese - (whispering)
I'll do it myself.
ALL: Go, Reese!
XANDER: She's my new fave!
OTHERS: Yeah!
>INT. OMEGA SIGMA PHI FRAT HOUSE
Natalie sits on a couch.
WILLOW: All by herself? I'm so proud of her!
>She picks up the phone in front of her and dials a number.
WILLOW: All by herself? I'm so proud of her!
>Paul - (voice-over)
This is Paul. Leave a message.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) You suck! Tee hee.
>Natalie hangs the phone up.
WILLOW: All by herself? I'm so proud of her!
SPIKE: Okay, remember that 'no repeat' rule? Use it.
>Where could he be?
On the radio, Sasha is talking to a couple that is experiencing some sex problems.
Sasha - (from speaker)
Let me get this straight.
INT. RADIO STATION/SASHA'S RADIO ROOM
We can barely see the producer in his booth. He's reading a magazine.
Sasha - (cont'd)
You guys tried out a new sexual position and now you're stuck.
ALL: (burst out laughing)
>Woman -
I'm not stuck, he is.
ALL: (still laughing)
>Man -
Relax and stop clinching.
WILLOW: (turning red) Oh, my god.
BUFFY: (gasping) Sucks to be them.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (laugh harder)
>Sasha smiles.
Woman -
I saw this happen to dogs. It is so humiliating.
WILLOW/BUFFY: (giggling)
>In the background, the killer approaches the producer from behind.
Sasha -
All right you guys, this is what you're gonna do. Okay?
In the background, the killer wraps his hand around the producer.
WILLOW: (as killer) I love you, producer. Wanna get stuck with me?
BUFFY: Ew.
>We see that the killer holds a knife in his hand. He is prepared to stab the producer.
XANDER: (as killer) I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll cut ya, man, I'll cut ya.
>The booth goes dark. With a flash of lightning, we the killer
WILLOW: (giggles) We the killer?
BUFFY: Is that anything like We the People?
XANDER: Guess so.
>throwing the producer's body to the ground. The line clicks and Sasha can't hear the couple anymore.
Sasha -
Hello?
SPIKE: (as Sasha) Excuse me, Mr. Killer, I'm trying to to a job here, hello. Could you please kill him some other time?
>She turns toward the booth, but it's completely dark. With a puzzled look, she gets up and walks over to the window and peers inside. Lightning flashes and Sasha sees the killer inches from her face. The only thing protecting her is the glass.
Sasha screams and backs away as the killer lifts the axe and swings it through the window, sending glass flying everywhere.
XANDER: Ohh, the janitor's gonna be pissed.
>INT. FRAT HOUSE
Natalie hears Sasha screaming over the radio and turns to face the speaker.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Hey! She's trying to steal my attention! Bitch!
>INT. RADIO STATION/SASHA'S RADIO ROOM
Sasha runs over to the door while the killer breaks more of the window with his axe.
XANDER: (as killer) Don't wanna cut myself trying to kill you... hold on a sec... almost done... okay! Ready-- hey... where'd you go, Sasha? That's cheating.
>Sasha screams and opens the door. She crawls outside and slams it shut. The killer starts to go through the window.
INT. FRAT HOUSE
Sasha - (over speaker)
Help me! Somebody help me!
Natalie runs over to the radio control board and turns
BUFFY: ...down the volume. (as Natalie) No, Sasha's not in trouble. Nope, you're hearing things.
>up the volume, amplifying Sasha's cries for help.
BUFFY: ...and starts dancing.
>INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY
Sasha runs down the hallway, constantly looking behind her.
XANDER: (as Sasha) I could've swore I saw Teletubbies back there.
>INT. FRAT HOUSE
Natalie -
Something's happening!
ALL: Finally!
>The nerdy guy comes over.
Nerdy Guy -
No. She's doing a performance art piece to commemorate the massacre.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, is that what she's doing? I thought she was getting killed or something. Thanks!
>INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY
Sasha runs down the hallway. Up ahead is a corner. Suddenly,
THE KILLER COMES AROUND THE CORNER AND SWINGS HIS AXE!
XANDER: Paul Bunyan, no!
>Sasha falls to the floor and the axe hits the wall.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Missed me, neener neener!
>Sasha gets up off the floor and runs back the way she came. The killer gets the axe free of the wall and chases after her. Sasha comes to a door and throws it open. She runs inside and slams the door shut.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) And stay out!
>The killer grabs the handle and starts to shake it, trying to open the door.
XANDER: (as killer, whining) Unh! Let me in, Sasha! Please?
>Sasha has a hold of the handle, preventing the killer from opening the door. She quickly locks it. She looks out the window in the door, staring at the killer.
INT. FRAT HOUSE
Natalie sits on the couch and picks up a phone.
SPIKE: ...and calls Brenda to chat. Meanwhile Sasha's screams echo throughout the room.
WILLOW: She's sitting on a coach and picking up a phone again? Is that all she knows how to do? (to Natalie) Find a skill!
BUFFY: No, she also knows how to kill people.
WILLOW Oh yeah. I forgot about that skill.
>INT. RADIO STATION
Sasha stares at the killer only for a second, then takes off running.
INT. FRAT HOUSE
Natalie starts to dial a number.
XANDER: ...then decides not to. (as Natalie) Sasha can fend for herself. I've been carrying that girl for months... she needs to learn how to take care of herself.
>Sasha - (from speaker)
My God! Help me! Please!
Natalie gets a busy signal and throws the phone down.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Stupid phone!
>Nerdy guy listens to Sasha's screams for help.
Nerdy Guy -
She's good. I got chills.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh. That'd be because it's all really happening. But I'm not going to do anything to help her. Like... oh, say, call the cops, or anything.
>EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS
It's pouring rain. Natalie runs down the sidewalk, heading for the radio station.
SPIKE: Pictures. That's all I'm saying.
WILLOW: That's all you ever say. Every time.
>INT. RADIO STATION
The whole front hall is one big open area. Translucent, winding stairs lead to each different level. There are no doors or anything. It's all open. No place to hide...
BUFFY: Here's a thought. Leave. Get out. Go to where people are.
>Sasha runs down the hall, but stops suddenly. She leans against the wall.
CLOSE ON:
Sasha's face. She looks around, trying to see the killer. She doesn't see anybody.
XANDER: (as Sasha) Excuse me, killer! I'm waiting!
>WIDE OF:
The stairs. Sasha runs down the hall and comes to the stairs. She
starts to run down them. She runs past the first platform, then down onto the second where she bumps into
SPIKE: ...Barney Fife!
OTHERS: @_@
>THE KILLER!
The killer pushes her against the railing of pipes. They struggle, Sasha trying to punch the killer. She screams as the killer fights with her. Sasha feebly slaps the killer on the chest,
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Unh! Take that feeble slap, you stupid killer, you.
SPIKE: (as killer) Ow. You sure showed me. Guess I'll be on my way then.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Keep in touch!
>but it has no effect on him. Suddenly, he throws her over the railing. Sasha screams. She grabs onto the edge of the platform, hanging on for dear life.
The killer bends down and picks up his axe. Sasha screams again and again, tears streaming down her face.
BUFFY: Another victim that won't die. Just like Karla.
>Sasha -
Somebody, please help! Help! Oh, God, somebody help! Help!
The killer looks down at her, enjoying this. The killer pulls the axe back, then swings downward. Sasha screams and lets go. The axe hits right where Sasha's hands were.
SPIKE: Bloody hell, looks like you're right.
>Sasha falls and hits another platform. Her legs absorb most of the impact, and she falls to the ground. She slowly crawls to the railing and picks herself up. She looks up toward the killer.
XANDER: (as Sasha) Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!
>SASHA'S POV
The killer is walking down the platform, headed right for her.
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Oh, you mean he didn't just give up and go home? Huh, imagine that.
>NORMAL VIEW
Sasha starts down the stairs.
BUFFY: ...but then stops and sticks her tongue out at the killer, taunting him.
>WIDE OF:
The whole staircase. Sasha is almost to the bottom, while the killer is still up at the top.
Sasha gets off the stairs and runs over to the elevator.
WILLOW: ...gets on the elevator, and takes it back upstairs to where the killer is, taunts the killer some more, runs back downstairs, takes the elevator back up, and... well, you get the idea.
>CLOSE ON:
The killer's feet as he climbs down more stairs.
XANDER: (as killer) Like my new shoes?
>CUT TO:
Sasha, as she pushes the elevator button. She looks behind her.
CLOSE ON:
The killer's feet.
XANDER: (as killer) I just got them. They're blue.
>CUT TO:
Sasha. The elevator dings and the doors slide open. Sasha goes inside. The killer reaches the bottom of the steps and comes toward Sasha. She screams and presses 3 on the panel. She continues to press it as the killer comes closer, and closer. The killer reaches the elevator right as the doors begin to close. He swings his axe, and Sasha screams. The doors close and the axe slams into the doors.
XANDER: (as killer) Heeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
>CLOSE ON:
The floor numbers. We are on two then three. The elevator comes to a stop. Sasha is crying, wishing the elevator doors would open.
SPIKE: Please open. The sooner they open, the sooner she dies, the sooner this ends.
>INT. MAIN HALL
CLOSE ON:
The killer's feet as he starts to ascend the steps.
BUFFY: Geez, this thing is really confusing. Are they up, or down right now? And, who's up, and who's down? And where's Barney Fife?
>INT. ELEVATOR/HALLWAY
The elevator doors open and Sasha leaves, half running half walking.
XANDER: Yes, Sasha is wogging away from her attacker... wogging.
BUFFY: (valley girl accent) That is so eighties!
>She is constantly looking behind her. When she doesn't see the killer she backs up against a wall.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) If I close my eyes really tight, and hold my breath, no one will see me. I'll be invisible. I'm special that way.
>EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS
Natalie is still running, soaking wet as the rain continues to pour.
SPIKE: In slow motion? Licking her lips, and being all sexy?
WILLOW: Uh... this isn't Baywatch.
SPIKE: Like Xander said, a man's gotta have dreams.
>INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY
Sasha sinks to the floor.
BUFFY: ...and stoves to the wall.
SPIKE: (groans) Not more Japanese philosophy.
>EXT. ROAD
Reese's cop car comes swerving down the road, sirens blaring.
XANDER: (gasps) By itself? Ooo, I want a car like that.
>INT. COP CAR
Reese turns on the radio.
BUFFY: (as Reese) I like to enjoy a little light music while driving around looking for killers. It's especially soothing when I'm covered in blood.
>Sasha - (over radio; sobbing)
Please help me.
Reese is shocked.
WILLOW: (as Reese) I am shocked.
>INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY
Sasha continues to sob.
BUFFY: (as Sasha) Wah! Nobody loves me! Wah!
>INT. COP CAR
Reese listens to Sasha sob with horror.
SPIKE: Reese listens in horror to Sasha sob? Or Sasha's sobbing in horror, and Reese is listening?
>INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY
CLOSE ON:
Two double doors. Suddenly, they're kicked open and the killer enters the hallway, axe in hand.
XANDER: Finally. Just... kill her and get this thing rolling.
>INT. SASHA'S RADIO ROOM
Sasha opens the door and crawls into the room. She locks the door. Sasha crawls over to the window, and, using the ledge, pulls herself up. She looks out the window.
SPIKE: Wait a minute. We're right back where we started! Son of a witch!
WILLOW: Ahem.
SPIKE: I stand by my statement.
>SASHA'S POV
Natalie comes running into the main hall.
NORMAL VIEW
Sasha begins to beat on the window.
WILLOW: (as Sasha) Hey, Natalie, look at me! I stole your thunder. Nya-nya-nya!
>Sasha -
Natalie!
INT. MAIN HALL
Natalie runs into the main hall.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Thunder-stealer!
>Sasha - (o.s.)
Natalie!
Natalie looks up and sees Sasha pounding on the window.
XANDER: (as Sasha) Up here, Natalie. Hi. Yoo hoo! Natalie!
>Sasha -
Natalie, help me!
XANDER: Yeah, or that too.
>CLOSE ON:
Sasha, as she continues to pound on the window.
INT. SASHA'S RADIO ROOM
BANG! Sasha looks behind her and sees the killer enter the room from the producer's booth. She sinks to the floor, defeated.
SPIKE: (as Sasha) Eh, I give up.
>INT. MAIN HALL
Natalie sees the killer enter the room.
Natalie -
No!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) You're supposed to come after me! You're my killer! Not Sasha's. Damn it. Try to kill me, not her. Me!
>INT. SASHA'S RADIO ROOM
The killer approaches Sasha, axe in hand.
XANDER: (as killer) Hi, I'm Mr. K., and I'll be your killer today.
>Sasha -
Please. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die.
XANDER: (as killer) Sorry, lady, I just do what they tell me. They say kill you, I gotta kill you.
>The killer raises the axe.
INT. MAIN HALL
Natalie cries out.
Natalie -
No!
ALL: Yes!
>CLOSE ON:
The killer brings the axe down, cutting into Sasha. The killer raises the axe and brings it down again.
SPIKE: Finally!
OTHERS: Woo hoo!
>CLOSE ON:
Natalie. She screams.
Natalie -
No!
SPIKE: Yes, damn it!
WILLOW: Calm down, it happened. Sasha's as good as dead...
>CLOSE ON:
The killer. He raises the axe and brings it down for one final, lethal blow. Sasha is no more. The killer turns to face Natalie. A deadly silence. Then he raises his hand and waves.
BUFFY: (as killer) Hi, Natalie! Hi!
>INT. MAIN HALL
Natalie stares only a second, then takes off running.
CLOSE ON:
The killer. He turns and leaves the room.
XANDER: My job here is done.
>EXT. RADIO STATION
Natalie comes running out of the radio station. She runs down the steps.
SPIKE: Oh, would you look at that? More wet woman running... could even be some slow motion involved.
BUFFY: Doubtful.
SPIKE: Still. I can dream.
BUFFY: Well, why don't you go dream while we take a break? My butt hurts.
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)
BUFFY: Shut up, Spike.
WILLOW: (yawns) I'm up, Ma.
Chapter 6