The host, chapter 8 (part 1)
Justin: Hello crowd. I’m Justin with my friend Eliza and we‘re here to “riff“ this book chapter. Say hi Eliza.
Eliza: Whatever.
Justin: Now, I bet whoever is reading this is wondering “Where is Shaolina?” She’s a bit indisposed at the moment. She was given more work to deal with and a new deadline. She thought she would be done by Monday but turns out she won’t be done until Wednesday. That’s when her special project ends.
Eliza: Plus the wussy went to see that… air magician movie to take a break and is overacting like a bad 70s ripoff movie actor. Something about living in a world where eclipses are ok and those blue cat people suck monkey balls. Then some lake shows up and she wants to dump toxic waste on him. Look guys, I don’t know. Let’s just get this over with, I was promised a 5-meat sub and some chips.
Justin: We start off the chapter with two girls fighting, Seeker and Wanderer.
Eliza: Those are seriously the names of the characters? Seriously? I thought Shaolina was joking when she said that.
Justin: What’s wrong with those names?
Eliza: (Scoffs) Nothing, Mr. Case.
Justin: Wanderer is expressing her heartfelt fear of flight to her friend and she is ridiculing her. As the friend of somebody who has an irrational fear of flight--
Eliza: What do you mean irrational? If man was meant to fly we would have wings!
Justin: I have to say she’s handling it wrong. I find that knocking her with some Nyquil works better.
Eliza: O-kay, I’m not eating anything you give me ever again.
Justin: Then Wanderer talks about visiting her friend Ford--
[Loud screams are heard]
Eliza: What the--?
Justin: (Ahem) Turns out that to visit him Wanderer has to cross the desert. I have to admire her dedication to him considering there are other “healers”--
Eliza: Healers?
Justin: Fancy word for doctors, I’m guessing.
Eliza: Why not say doctor?
Justin: Not cool? What do I know? Wanderer starts thinking about the possibility of skipping this planet in shame, but decides against it because we make great hosts.
Eliza: Lucky us.
Justin: The Seeker in turn is taking an airplane and waiting for her in Tucson instead of riding with her. I have to say that is very inconsiderate.
Eliza: Wait, didn’t Shaolina mentioned this chick was stalking the alien?
Justin: (Checks notes) “I will never leave your side.”
Eliza: I think somebody needs to reevaluate what stalking means.
Justin: Not that it matters. Wanderer is talking for a while about she’s going to give up and posses something else. (Gasp) Oh, crap! The pacifist aliens are planning to take over dolphins. How cruel!
Eliza: Not surprised, they can be dicks.
Justin: They are not… um, like that.
Eliza: Shows what you know about marine life.
Justin: (Shrugs) So turns out Melanie hates the doctor guy. She just stayed quiet as Wanderer checked if she had forgotten something but there was nothing to take. She starts to monologue about how nothing and nobody in this planet wants her even though she loves it so.
Eliza: I’m so sorry for her pain. Truly heartbreaking. How does the planet dare be insensitive to the parasite. That’s like me not serving tea to somebody who just breaks into my home.
Justin: Then Wanderer and Seeker have a moment when they repeat what was said before Wanderer did her monologue.
Eliza: Wait, I think you are rereading the previous page.
Justin: (Rereads the page) Nope, I’m reading the next scene. The Seeker reminds her that she’ll be waiting at Tucson and that Wanderer will be driving while stating how much she dislikes her.
Eliza: Wow, truly we needed a copy paste of the previous scene. It’s not like we couldn’t get that Wanderer doesn’t want to be around Seeker from before.
Justin: Well,as--
Eliza: No, I’m not done! Seriously, why didn’t we get the “Oh, pity me and my loneliness” scene before these two twats snarling again? Does the author think if she says it enough we’ll buy it? Did she not reread it and noticed she wrote the same thing twice? Does she doubt our abilities so much that if she doesn’t repeat it our tiny brains won’t get it? WHAT THE FUCK?!
Justin: You keep interrupting me like this… are you sure you don’t want to read and summarize instead?
Eliza: Pass.
Justin: So Wanderer finally leaves and hit’s the San Diego highway… while driving slowly.
Eliza: Why on earth is she driving on the highway slowly?
Justin: Turns out she doesn’t know how to drive and neither does Melanie.
Eliza: So she’s afraid of taking a mode of transportation where somebody who actually knows what he or she is doing will take her in a safe and short amount of time, but she’s alright with driving without taking a single class?! (Groan) I’m sorry I asked.
Justin: Maybe she went to wikipedia and learned how to do it?
Eliza: (Facepalm) You would think years of being your friend would prepare me for this kind of hobby.
Justin: Wanderer starts saying how she’s a loner ever since she came to earth. She blames Melanie for it--
Eliza: (Yawn) Yeah, that’s it. Considering these buggers are as interesting as watching bread get moldy. Honestly, how did they take over humans? Did they just talk us into submission?
Justin: (Checks notes) Well, says here--
Eliza: I was kidding!
Justin: Well, turns out Melanie shares your feelings since all this time she was too busy daydreaming to even pay attention to Wanderer. Wanderer takes this opportunity to disrespect the privacy of the calm human host. Truly this ethical behavior.
Eliza: Yeah… I’m sick of this bullshit. Let’s go!
Justin: But I’m not finished and we promised to do this chapter.
Eliza: Alright. How many pages?
Justin: Around six.
Eliza: Yeah, screw that with a spiky can of bug spray. Look, we can go on tomorrow if we must but I‘m tired of hearing you read this crap.
Justin: (Grin) Fine, but you get to narrate the rest.
Eliza: Oh, you mop headed bastard!
Justin: Well, that’s all for today.
(Chapter 8, part 2)
Eliza: Whatever.
Justin: Now, I bet whoever is reading this is wondering “Where is Shaolina?” She’s a bit indisposed at the moment. She was given more work to deal with and a new deadline. She thought she would be done by Monday but turns out she won’t be done until Wednesday. That’s when her special project ends.
Eliza: Plus the wussy went to see that… air magician movie to take a break and is overacting like a bad 70s ripoff movie actor. Something about living in a world where eclipses are ok and those blue cat people suck monkey balls. Then some lake shows up and she wants to dump toxic waste on him. Look guys, I don’t know. Let’s just get this over with, I was promised a 5-meat sub and some chips.
Justin: We start off the chapter with two girls fighting, Seeker and Wanderer.
Eliza: Those are seriously the names of the characters? Seriously? I thought Shaolina was joking when she said that.
Justin: What’s wrong with those names?
Eliza: (Scoffs) Nothing, Mr. Case.
Justin: Wanderer is expressing her heartfelt fear of flight to her friend and she is ridiculing her. As the friend of somebody who has an irrational fear of flight--
Eliza: What do you mean irrational? If man was meant to fly we would have wings!
Justin: I have to say she’s handling it wrong. I find that knocking her with some Nyquil works better.
Eliza: O-kay, I’m not eating anything you give me ever again.
Justin: Then Wanderer talks about visiting her friend Ford--
[Loud screams are heard]
Eliza: What the--?
Justin: (Ahem) Turns out that to visit him Wanderer has to cross the desert. I have to admire her dedication to him considering there are other “healers”--
Eliza: Healers?
Justin: Fancy word for doctors, I’m guessing.
Eliza: Why not say doctor?
Justin: Not cool? What do I know? Wanderer starts thinking about the possibility of skipping this planet in shame, but decides against it because we make great hosts.
Eliza: Lucky us.
Justin: The Seeker in turn is taking an airplane and waiting for her in Tucson instead of riding with her. I have to say that is very inconsiderate.
Eliza: Wait, didn’t Shaolina mentioned this chick was stalking the alien?
Justin: (Checks notes) “I will never leave your side.”
Eliza: I think somebody needs to reevaluate what stalking means.
Justin: Not that it matters. Wanderer is talking for a while about she’s going to give up and posses something else. (Gasp) Oh, crap! The pacifist aliens are planning to take over dolphins. How cruel!
Eliza: Not surprised, they can be dicks.
Justin: They are not… um, like that.
Eliza: Shows what you know about marine life.
Justin: (Shrugs) So turns out Melanie hates the doctor guy. She just stayed quiet as Wanderer checked if she had forgotten something but there was nothing to take. She starts to monologue about how nothing and nobody in this planet wants her even though she loves it so.
Eliza: I’m so sorry for her pain. Truly heartbreaking. How does the planet dare be insensitive to the parasite. That’s like me not serving tea to somebody who just breaks into my home.
Justin: Then Wanderer and Seeker have a moment when they repeat what was said before Wanderer did her monologue.
Eliza: Wait, I think you are rereading the previous page.
Justin: (Rereads the page) Nope, I’m reading the next scene. The Seeker reminds her that she’ll be waiting at Tucson and that Wanderer will be driving while stating how much she dislikes her.
Eliza: Wow, truly we needed a copy paste of the previous scene. It’s not like we couldn’t get that Wanderer doesn’t want to be around Seeker from before.
Justin: Well,as--
Eliza: No, I’m not done! Seriously, why didn’t we get the “Oh, pity me and my loneliness” scene before these two twats snarling again? Does the author think if she says it enough we’ll buy it? Did she not reread it and noticed she wrote the same thing twice? Does she doubt our abilities so much that if she doesn’t repeat it our tiny brains won’t get it? WHAT THE FUCK?!
Justin: You keep interrupting me like this… are you sure you don’t want to read and summarize instead?
Eliza: Pass.
Justin: So Wanderer finally leaves and hit’s the San Diego highway… while driving slowly.
Eliza: Why on earth is she driving on the highway slowly?
Justin: Turns out she doesn’t know how to drive and neither does Melanie.
Eliza: So she’s afraid of taking a mode of transportation where somebody who actually knows what he or she is doing will take her in a safe and short amount of time, but she’s alright with driving without taking a single class?! (Groan) I’m sorry I asked.
Justin: Maybe she went to wikipedia and learned how to do it?
Eliza: (Facepalm) You would think years of being your friend would prepare me for this kind of hobby.
Justin: Wanderer starts saying how she’s a loner ever since she came to earth. She blames Melanie for it--
Eliza: (Yawn) Yeah, that’s it. Considering these buggers are as interesting as watching bread get moldy. Honestly, how did they take over humans? Did they just talk us into submission?
Justin: (Checks notes) Well, says here--
Eliza: I was kidding!
Justin: Well, turns out Melanie shares your feelings since all this time she was too busy daydreaming to even pay attention to Wanderer. Wanderer takes this opportunity to disrespect the privacy of the calm human host. Truly this ethical behavior.
Eliza: Yeah… I’m sick of this bullshit. Let’s go!
Justin: But I’m not finished and we promised to do this chapter.
Eliza: Alright. How many pages?
Justin: Around six.
Eliza: Yeah, screw that with a spiky can of bug spray. Look, we can go on tomorrow if we must but I‘m tired of hearing you read this crap.
Justin: (Grin) Fine, but you get to narrate the rest.
Eliza: Oh, you mop headed bastard!
Justin: Well, that’s all for today.
(Chapter 8, part 2)