Untitled Scifi
anonymous
July 15 2012, 15:11:40 UTC
I'm wondering if there is anything redeemable about this snip-it. It started off life as the entrance to a dub con, power play Sherlock/John PWP but it now wants to keep all the sex and add casefic on top, which scares me.
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/The badlands, frontier sectors, half-explored, half-virgin land and location of all the wars currently engaging the Alliance; not somewhere Sherlock knew much about. He had never understood the expansionist thrill or seen the interest in barely inhabited planets with their crude governments. Mycroft would know exactly where John had been posted but Sherlock was not interested. All he cared was why John had come to London, Area 1, Sector 1. He had no connections to the Sector 1 and the man was not an idiot, he would have known of the prejudice against soldiers in Sector 1. Raised on Lothian, Area 4, Sector 10 and educated on Queen Mary, Area 1, Sector 4; almost anywhere would make more sense than Sector 1. John was an interesting
( ... )
Re: Untitled Scifi
anonymous
July 20 2012, 10:00:19 UTC
I'd say there's far too much info dumping and exposition. The basic rule with exposition is you only tell people information when they need to know it for the purposes of plot.
The premise seems ok but what you've written is essentially a blurb for your story: 'in a world where...' not the story itself. Get your world building and plot out through dialogue and action and if you have to info-dump break it up a bit more and try not to front load it so much.
WARNING: Don't read if participating in Sherlockbbc fic swap 1/?
anonymous
August 20 2012, 11:24:02 UTC
I honestly don't know what to think of this. It was the best among a list of 'prompts' that I really had an issue writing. I'm not saying it's crap because I'm looking for...whatever...but it isn't my best work. It was like pulling teeth for me to write this.
It's a very very Third Star AU(a movie that I did not like and had several issues with.) and discussion of sherlock's return--with molly working for moriarty.
I use a speech to text program and have made as many corrections as I can in regards to this.
Just be honest. Considering what the prompter wanted, and the way they worded their request...I tried to match it. ----------- Loss of Verse 2,126 words Warnings: Character death.
Sherlock hadn't shut up from the moment they left the flat. John knew that he knew. And Sherlock knew that he knew that he knew. And round and round the issue like a poisoned pill
( ... )
WARNING: Don't read if participating in Sherlockbbc fic swap 2/?
anonymous
August 20 2012, 11:48:59 UTC
"You always pout and moan. 'John I can't go to the Tesco.' 'John, it's so tedious' and John do. Every. Fucking. Thing. For. Me! John, I can be a heartless bastard because I don't understand!" John wavered and fell to the ground
( ... )
WARNING: Don't read if participating in Sherlockbbc fic swap 4/?
anonymous
August 20 2012, 11:56:42 UTC
Sherlock's voice was steady, yet his eyes kept blinking rapidly. "You know, when he said your name that was it. If he'd said Mrs. Hudson or just Lestrade I never would have jumped?"
"It was your name. I knew when I went up there that I might have to jump. I didn't know why, but I knew I might. And yes, I did trust her. And the thing is, I don't know why. I don't know why I trusted her with the most important act, the most important secret-"
"Not a sociopath." John muttered.
"-Secret of all. And no." Sherlock moved his legs so he was sitting cross-legged. "I didn't know. I never knew. All those months and I never knew. I never guessed. Why would I?" Sherlock paused to gaze at John. "I may have jumped but he pushed me. And he also saved me
( ... )
Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 1/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 03:21:55 UTC
I've been kicking this around for a while without much luck. My original plan was to have one more scene after what I'm going to C&P below, but now I'm kind of thinking that with a little rearranging, what I have now might be sufficient and actually better in the long run. I'm feeling a bit lost. This isn't really my kink and so I'm not sure if I'm already getting repetetive or if I'd be okay to go another round
( ... )
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 2/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 03:23:01 UTC
"You enjoyed it, you pervert," Sherlock says, with absolute conviction. "You were half-hard in your trousers before I even finished. You didn’t even wash up after. I listened outside the bathroom door. Running the tap might have been sufficient to fool Mummy, but it isn't enough to fool me." He clucked in disgust. "Your sheets must reek of it
( ... )
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 3/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 03:24:01 UTC
That Sherlock has never had anyone's mouth on his cock is obvious. Mycroft had known it long before he ever set foot in the garden. His thighs are quivering in Mycroft's hands, his hips jerking unevenly against Mycroft's face. He gags slightly when Sherlock bumps the back of his throat, before managing to relax his throat and tighten his grip. Sherlock will be wearing bruises under his trousers tomorrow, their parents none the wiser, but that’s the least of Mycroft's concerns
( ... )
Re: Mycroft/Sherlock, pisskink WIP 4/?
anonymous
August 26 2012, 03:24:31 UTC
He’s trembling with the force it takes to hold the rest of it back as Mycroft thumbs gently over his slit, back and forth with a methodical, unrelenting slowness. It must be maddening, but Sherlock doesn’t say a word as his head drops back against Mycroft's chest. His eyes are closed, his lower lip wet with the touch of his tongue as Mycroft continues to tease him, letting his nail catch ever so slightly
( ... )
Molly/Irene 1/5 TW: dubious content bordering on non-con, drugged sex
anonymous
August 26 2012, 11:34:09 UTC
Yeah, idk, posted this on the rant meme and now I'm thinking of posting it but I want to polish it. Also, should I add another scene wrapping things up, or not? Any critique welcome
( ... )
Molly/Irene 2/5 TW: dubious content bordering on non-con, drugged sex
anonymous
August 26 2012, 11:36:10 UTC
“Wake up, you have to wake up!” Good, her voice is the right mixture of pleading and terror. She makes sure her eyes are suitably wide - blown with arousal as they are, she can pass it off as fear. “Please,” a little bit of a sob, for added affect; she can see the girl’s eyes fluttering, “Get up!”
It takes a little bit more than that, but with a few more pleas and butts of her head against the girl’s shoulder, her eyes eventually flutter all the way open. “Oh!” the girl gasps, as if she were a Disney princess waking from an eternal sleep. Irene can feel arousal like a tight coil in her stomach. This will be beautiful. “Oh,” she repeats, “I don’t… W-where are we?” The stammer - so unexpected, dear God - is almost her undoing. She wants her now. But her desire is slightly dimmed by the genuine look of terror in the girl’s chocolate eyes. Irene doesn’t go in for rape; she’s been around long enough to see women (some would call them whores, but they are people whatever their career) utterly destroyed by it. She’s been in a few tight
( ... )
Molly/Irene 3/5 TW: dubious content bordering on non-con, drugged sex
anonymous
August 26 2012, 11:38:36 UTC
Molly's face doesn't light up or tense with recognition; Sherlock apparently hasn't mentioned Irene to all his little friends. Pity. She will so enjoy the look on his face when he comes (because he will come, it's in his nature to, this is the whole point of her being ‘kidnapped’) and finds Irene buried in between Molly's thighs, hears the moans that she will give, sees how she will writhe and beg just before she is pushed over the edge
( ... )
Anyone interested in giving crit to a Moriarty/Moran fic? tw: spanking, daddy kink (1/?)
anonymous
August 31 2012, 18:11:01 UTC
I've finally received an invitation to make an AO3 account and I wanted to post at least one fic I wrote but I don't have a beta to go over my work. Plus, I think I have a bit of a hard time grasping the characters and doing dialogue
( ... )
Re: Anyone interested in giving crit to a Moriarty/Moran fic? tw: spanking, daddy kink (3/?)
anonymous
August 31 2012, 18:13:14 UTC
Sebastian’s hands continued to punish Jim. Every blow felt harder than the previous one as his skin got more abused and every blow made his cock brush on the fabric of Sebastian’s trousers, making him squirm a little with his mouth hanging open on arousal as he moaned another number. His body felt trapped between pain and pleasure, mixing up all the signals that had to do with both stimuli, mingling into an indescribable feeling in his gut and all he knew was that he wanted more, to feel more of his skin on fire and alive. Whenever Jim felt he couldn’t take any longer, the hands would stroke his bottom, relieving the pain a little bit before they continued punishing him until he couldn’t distinguish pleasure from pain anymore. When Sebastian’s hands finally came to a stop, his skin felt oversensitive and on fire, like every little touch had tenfold of its pressure. His arse looked reddish-pink all over and Jim stifled a sniff, huffed breathing, red cheeks and eyes watery, arousal at his peak between his legs. “Daddy…” he looked up and
( ... )
Re: Anyone interested in giving crit to a Moriarty/Moran fic? tw: spanking, daddy kink (4/4)
anonymous
August 31 2012, 18:14:46 UTC
His cheeks flushed and he trashed against Sebastian’s body out of control, he was so near already. “Oh, fuck Seb--” he choked on his words when Sebastian gave him a final slap across his thighs, very near the aching flesh and Jim couldn’t take it anymore. He closed his eyes, throwing his head back as he felt a strong orgasm ripple through him, his whole body convulsing and twitching as he rode it out, slowing his hips to a full stop before he regained a bit of consciousness and let his head rest against Sebastian’s chest, out of breath
( ... )
Comments 251
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/The badlands, frontier sectors, half-explored, half-virgin land and location of all the wars currently engaging the Alliance; not somewhere Sherlock knew much about. He had never understood the expansionist thrill or seen the interest in barely inhabited planets with their crude governments. Mycroft would know exactly where John had been posted but Sherlock was not interested. All he cared was why John had come to London, Area 1, Sector 1. He had no connections to the Sector 1 and the man was not an idiot, he would have known of the prejudice against soldiers in Sector 1. Raised on Lothian, Area 4, Sector 10 and educated on Queen Mary, Area 1, Sector 4; almost anywhere would make more sense than Sector 1. John was an interesting ( ... )
Reply
The premise seems ok but what you've written is essentially a blurb for your story: 'in a world where...' not the story itself. Get your world building and plot out through dialogue and action and if you have to info-dump break it up a bit more and try not to front load it so much.
Possibly helpful link: http://www.bethamos.com/expositi.htm
More specific comments:
Dialogue ends with a comma before the tag, not a full stop.
"Not an easy death,” John spoke...
"Her bodyguards interrupted him,” Sherlock said...
You have some tense swapping in some of the exposition.
I also have trouble believing Sherlock would ever think of anyone as cute...
Reply
It's a very very Third Star AU(a movie that I did not like and had several issues with.) and discussion of sherlock's return--with molly working for moriarty.
I use a speech to text program and have made as many corrections as I can in regards to this.
Just be honest. Considering what the prompter wanted, and the way they worded their request...I tried to match it.
-----------
Loss of Verse
2,126 words
Warnings: Character death.
Sherlock hadn't shut up from the moment they left the flat. John knew that he knew. And Sherlock knew that he knew that he knew. And round and round the issue like a poisoned pill ( ... )
Reply
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"It was your name. I knew when I went up there that I might have to jump. I didn't know why, but I knew I might. And yes, I did trust her. And the thing is, I don't know why. I don't know why I trusted her with the most important act, the most important secret-"
"Not a sociopath." John muttered.
"-Secret of all. And no." Sherlock moved his legs so he was sitting cross-legged. "I didn't know. I never knew. All those months and I never knew. I never guessed. Why would I?" Sherlock paused to gaze at John. "I may have jumped but he pushed me. And he also saved me ( ... )
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It takes a little bit more than that, but with a few more pleas and butts of her head against the girl’s shoulder, her eyes eventually flutter all the way open. “Oh!” the girl gasps, as if she were a Disney princess waking from an eternal sleep. Irene can feel arousal like a tight coil in her stomach. This will be beautiful. “Oh,” she repeats, “I don’t… W-where are we?” The stammer - so unexpected, dear God - is almost her undoing. She wants her now. But her desire is slightly dimmed by the genuine look of terror in the girl’s chocolate eyes. Irene doesn’t go in for rape; she’s been around long enough to see women (some would call them whores, but they are people whatever their career) utterly destroyed by it. She’s been in a few tight ( ... )
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She draws the terrified girl into another kiss, keeping it slow and soft.
(She doesn’t know anything. She can’t. Why are you playing into his hands?)
This will be easier if she is similarly drugged, but she can’t let herself be another puppet of Moriarty’s.
(What do you call this? Being his equal?She will do this on her own terms ( ... )
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